SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

But I stated that I seen many open marriages not work out.

I've seen lots more "traditional" marriages not work out. Does that make monogamous marriages a bad idea?

Open marriages will work for 1% of the population or less. Those in open marriages do not have better or worse marriages than anybody else. You will read on the internet that open marriages/swingers are happier and have better communication. If you look deeper into the research where these statistics come from, you will notice the crowd they are surveying are from Swinger's websites, etc. Thus, the data is biased. They do not go looking for previous swingers/polyamory/etc. If you read posts at most Swinger's forums you will also notice it is typically the same 30-50 people posting, therefore, it is not logical to think that this lifestyle has large numbers.

The people it did not work out for are typically too embarrassed to come forward and admit it damaged or destroyed the marriage. Therefore, stating the fact that open marriages do not work out for most people and thus is not a good idea for most relationships should not be looked down upon as a judgmental stance. It is simply the truth. Although, it can work in a very minute number of relationships; most should steer clear and not test the waters.

I have been friends with people in the lifestyle for many years and very few of them weather the open marriage storm. The vast majority have years of repair to do in the marriage and that is for the small amount that do not divorce or split up.

If we are going to start quoting statistics from the "reliable" internetz, the fact of the matter is the data isn't there. Much of it is very outdated (1970s), and finding people involved in these types of marriages is difficult. There are even issues with defining what constitutes an open marriage.

Plenty of people are not going to broadcast their personal info from which most of society is going to judge them negatively. There can be serious repercussions leading to loss of employment and losing custody of children. It's not due to being "ashamed". My open marriage is "out" to my family, but certainly not at my place of employment. People are very conservative in my field and my sex life isn't really anyone's business but my own. Unless I go looking for the few studies that are out there, they won't find me. I'm far from the only person in our society that isn't readily volunteering for the little bit of research that is available.

There seems to be much back and forth about who knows someone with a failed open marriage. I've been with my husband (he's not the one who cheated on me) for 14yrs in an open marriage. I'd say that's more than the average length of a marriage. I know of 4 couples in our community that have been married for over 20 years. I've also seen a couple of divorces as well. However anecdotes don't count as data with the big picture.

My relationship style does not go against my "women's nature", nor do I have problems sticking to any agreements in my relationships when put in "tempting" situations. I'm quite happy with my relationship with my husband and my boyfriend. They are as well. I don't judge monogamous marriages, or the many other types of marriages that go on in other cultures. If you don't believe in open marriage, don't have one.

No one deserves to be hurt by infidelity, and I think it's pretty crappy, petty, and judgmental to say that to anyone. The general public doesn't usually have a clue how these relationships work, yet feel free to judge and act morally superior. Being judgmental isn't a quality of having superior morals, by the way. It's the very opposite.

What I have found on SI is that infidelity works the same way in both monogamous and open marriages. The waywards follow the same playbook. The hurt in both types of marriage is devastating and life altering. The steps for healing are the same. The info and advice given here are valuable for any type of marriage.

[This message edited by Rubyred at 11:23 AM, April 12th (Saturday)]

I think some people on here just like to argue....

Personally, If I dont understand something I dont comment. Most people arent asking for you to be a detective or the voice for their situation. They are here for SUPPORT. You'll never, no matter how many characters their post is, fully understand them or what they are going through!!

HUGS TO EVERYONE! We'll be okay!

How can others say on other post "oh girl you need to get an attorney and leave." But we can't say we don't believe your relationship won't last when you bring in another person into your marriage?

Because one of those is an attempt to support someone, whether or not it may be misguided, and the other is chastising someone for their values, beliefs, etc.

If I told you that I don't believe your relationship will work out because people who marry young for religious reasons have the highest divorce rates when you come in as a BS looking for support, it's not likely to be helpful in any capacity.

eta:

I do not agree that you can just slap the term "marriage" on any old thing and call it good. An open marriage is not a marriage.

You are unloading way too much vituperation for this to be impersonal.

Were you told you were the reason you were abused or cheated on or something? I don't understand the insulting, heartless vehemence in your posts.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:51 AM, April 12th (Saturday)]

Because one of those is an attempt to support someone, whether or not it may be misguided, and the other is chastising someone for their values, beliefs, etc.

Very nicely said, SG.

If I told you that I don't believe your relationship will work out because people who marry young for religious reasons have the highest divorce rates when you come in as a BS looking for support, it's not likely to be helpful in any capacity.

A corollary is that probabilities don't apply to individual situations. If a person wants to beat the odds, that person may be - and probably is - worthy of support.

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Rubyred, Thanks for sharing your experience. Thanks also for speaking up for using only valid statistics and outlining some of the problems of getting valid statistics for open Ms, not to mention infidelity.

absolut -

I just want to add to the list of people that have already said that marriage is about "openness, trust, and honesty."

Fidelity (and the rules regarding it) is, like any agreement, defined by the two people who enter into the agreement together.

If my wife and I agree that we can 'go outside' the marriage with someone approved by our spouse (and whatever other criteria are agreed upon), then it's not cheating for us, because neither of us has broken any rules of OUR marriage.

It may seem weird, or at odds with most of society's norms, but 'different' ≠ 'wrong'. Full disclosure: I'm not in an open relationship.

I don't see anything wrong with two people agreeing to an 'open marriage' provided that it was agreed upon by both individuals, free of coercion. I've known of a few 'open relationships' wherein one of the people was clearly 'less cool' with the idea than the other, and then it just rubs me the wrong way as an unhealthy relationship and power dynamic...but I assume what we're all talking about is a marriage wherein both people have 'bought-into' the concept.

I see a great many people throwing around absolutes on this thread, and that strikes me as both presumptive and judgmental, two concepts that really don't have a place in a 'safe' site such as SI.

'Always' and 'never' are words that don't apply in situations like this that are open for interpretation.