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And he admitted he did.

I'm usually the first to hand out points when a liar finally cops to something (like your FWH admitting to smoking), but his whole "I'm gonna treat you like my mom and then resent you when you 'mom' me" schtick he is pulling is getting super old. I feel like I'm in the same boat you are with getting put in this very unwelcome position.

(((LA44)))

ETA: Cleared up some pronouns to hopefully make my intent clear.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 9:51 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

Just a little upset right now, Catlover. Just getting my thoughts together. Will do the update in a bit.

((((LA))))

Pot is a huge trigger for me but I haven't asked him to quit because I was afraid he wouldn't. I had asked him not to look at porn but he did. I hadn't set any consequences but I know I need to.

Take your time, hon.

LA - sorry you are in this situation. Being forced into the "parent" role sucks. It reminds me of how immature WH was before and during the A. It is so frustrating. We are their life partners, so why can't they grow up?

Sending hugs and strength.

He came downstairs an hour ago and said: So tell me. What is it? And I said: No. You tell me. You tell me.

And he admitted he did

The shit didn’t hit the fan. It stayed on the ground. Meaning, I was calm in my anger and I was very clear.

That is when he said, “Yes. I smoked pot here tonight.”

He went on to say that Friend Bob offered him pot. He said, No. Then he changed his mind later on and said, Ok. He said he had not yet smoked when I smelled his shirt. I questioned why his shirt would smell – he said, “It is smoke (bbq). Smell it again. I had not yet done it.” When he came upstairs to compliment my hosting, he HAD done it. That is when I told him that I didn’t like being lied too. He walked away bc it was a “no contest” Why didn’t I call him on it then? Because our boys, (9, 7) were awake and I don’t think we need to “go there” with them. I had a right to my anger but I also needed to be responsible with it.

Also, He said to his knowledge his friend didn’t do it but gave it to him.

As soon as the boys ran upstairs my H went outside, around the house, smoked and came back in.

He also admitted to smoking with Bob at his house last week during the b-ball playoffs. Again. He was supposed to tell me when he does this bc I wanted to know what I was dealing with. Transparency.

I said, So you didn't tell me last week and you were probably not going to tell me about tonight? He said, “Probably not. Quite frankly I know you are going to be angry. I am doing so many things right. This I did wrong.” My heart fell.

I said…

To use one of your sayings, "the exact # of times you should cross a boundary or

try to dupe me in the future, is zero". If you lie to me and if you ever use pot in or around this house again, you will go to work and one day that week you will come home to it being empty bc I will owe you nothing.

I have been deceived more times than I can count by you.

I am trying to love you w all my heart. I am trying to forgive you. But you keep

running over me with this issue.

I drew my line in the sand. We agreed. You crossed it. So, no more lines. It’s on the table. It’s been said. I cannot be lied to anymore.

I have closed my eyes and imagined my life w/o you. I have done something menial

like brought popcorn to the boys while you were at a late meeting and thought "this

is what it would be like to be a single mom...it would be my weekend with them". I

essentially lived my life w/o you for a couple months when d-day hit. I can do

it again and it won't hurt as much this time around.

I go to church and pray for us. And then you deceive me. I can’t be doing this alone.

Yes. It’s true. In ALL other areas my H has stepped up. The A – he is “repulsed” (his words) by his actions. Work? He just earned a trip for two to Europe end of May as he made it into their top performers. Kids? He is signing them up and taking them to hockey. He is a volunteer coach. Being there for them. For the school, too. But this issue and the deceipt around it? It has fucking ROOTS. He is 16 when it comes to this.

He apologized. My response was that I asked him to sleep in the other room for the next few nights at least. I need some space.

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:41 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

I'm so sorry.

I would be so triggered over this. He wants to do something he knows you won't like so he hides it from you. Ouch.

Have you asked him why pot is so important to him? That may require some soul searching. Perhaps giving it up falls into the "anything" that he promised to do for R? Are his grown friends all so into it?

Our son quit drinking and his friends were all very supportive--and they're 22.

I don't think I would quit R for this but it is a big step backwards.

Thinking of you.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 10:29 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

In my situation I am friends with his friends...it has always been that way. I would have no problem establishing "the rules of the house" in front of everyone. There is a way to go about it where you mean business , but the message is heard loud and clear. They should be so thankful to have a gracious host. Your husband should be as well.

So frustrating. Honestly, I keep wanting to tell you what I think you should do but then I would be a hypocrite for not following my own advice. The roots observation you've made is spot on. It's really hard to reconcile all their work when there are still pieces that just don't fit the big picture.

I know I still find myself working on boundaries- thinking about them, sharing mine with my WH and trying to figure out his. But ultimately- I can set my boundaries of what is acceptable to me, and he can accept and internalize them or ignore them. And i then decide whether my boundaries have been honored or not and how i will respond.

I think that you have done and said everything that you should do. I don't feel that you need to establish house rules with his friends, unless you want to or see it as establishing house rules for your family. He should be able to own this boundary and communicate (and live) it without making you responsible. (not LA44 doesn't want this in the house; not LA44 will be mad about this; instead, in our house, we don't smoke pot, etc) But to do that he has to want to do it.

thinking of you. you are strong. hold your ground.

ETA- to clarify that I have power in my response to WH's respect/lack of respect for my boundaries

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:08 AM, April 14th (Monday)]

((LA44)) This is totally my WH pre-A. He would know that it was something that irritated me, he would know that I am "on to him", he would know my expectations, and he would still do it. It is so infuriating.

If it was me I would take a two-prong approach. (A) He would be required to get to IC figure out why he chooses to do it after all the energy you two have put into it. (Conflict avoidance, power/control, addiction, peer pressure, etc) and (B) I would be draft a contract or maybe even call my lawyer to draft one that states he must go to IC and (possibly AA as well) and if he repeats this action he will be served with D papers. While talking to a lawyer, I would start post-nup or D/S papers to have ready.

I hope this morning he really “gets” why this is not acceptable. Sorry that your week is starting out this way.

Eta: Yikes, I just read this over and sorry about my Monday morning feistiness! I think reading your post hit so close to home and reverted me back to how I have felt so many times. I had never talked to a lawyer prior to A and now she is like my fellow commrade.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 8:02 AM, April 14th (Monday)]

((LA)) just offering hugs today as you go through this...

((LA))

The pot was one more thing in my decision not to offer reconciliation as an option. WH had started doing it in secret, hiding it from me.... when he started his A.

For me, its about respect. And boundaries. If (WH) cant respect me on this why should I expect any more on anything else over the course of our marriage.

I drew my line in the sand.

To get into some of the deeper things here- how to enforce boundaries with people outside of the marriage is something that needs to be delivered with clear solidarity. This is something that I had done badly in the past and it undermined how my wife was perceived by others and created cracks in our relationship. I strongly believe boundaries set around the marriage need to be owned and enforced by both parties. I have learned this lesson at great cost to both my wife and myself. The person that fails to enforce the boundary makes the other person look unreasonable and robs them of both social power and safety. How the boundaries are enforced matters. If I tell my buddies that I can't go to the strip club with them because the ball and chain won't like it, that is juvenile and teaches other people that my spouse doesn't deserve respect. If I am willing to accept that limit because my marriage is important to me, then having the balls to say "no" and own it should come with the territory. If I don't want to accept that limitation, then I need to talk to my wife, not disrespect her behind her back.

I know that I am coming off in a blunt way. It's because I am still pretty raw over how much I hurt my wife by doing things in this spectrum. It was an ugly lesson. Lack of solidarity is one of the things that erodes a partnership.

[This message edited by NoGoodUsername at 8:36 AM, April 14th (Monday)]

((LA))

(((LA)))

{{{LA}}}

Are you guys in MC?

I feel your hurt and sense of betrayal. I would share your fear that it represented more than it appears on the surface.

But does it? I feel like a counselor would be more helpful than me, but is it a deeper, and is it a mountain to die on? I would struggle with that, and I just don't like ultimatums in general. I feel like I am being an apologist for him, and I am not, but is it possible it is just something that needs to be worked through, with help, and not a black and white, do-or-die, thing?

I say this because when things trigger me they can seem more dire than they are. Not that I condone the behavior, I don't - and I don't condone the lying. But, I bet he doesn't see this the same way that you do. Talk, talk, and then talk some more. Try to have faith. I know you feel hurt.

You guys have come a long way. I am praying for you and for the best outcome.

Good morning everyone. I am so sad today. I just wanted to check in, see if there were any new notes and respond where I could.

He has written me an apology note. I said to him basically what Jrazz said. You don't want me to "Mom" you but then you treat me like I am the Mom by sneaking around. You do not even give me a chance to receive your honesty. You instead, make the decision for me yet again. I told him for now that I will be in the house but I want little engagement. He said, "I know have a problem with this issue." He also asked me not to give up on us. I didn't respond to that one.

@OnAnIsland...

I liked your entire post but grabbed this.

I think that you have done and said everything that you should do

I feel this way too now. I expressed that clearly last night w/o losing my head.

I also appreciate the comments both you and NoGoodUserName made about boundaries and this is something we need to go deeper into. From NGUN...

I strongly believe boundaries set around the marriage need to be owned and enforced by both parties. I have learned this lesson at great cost to both my wife and myself.

@catlover...

Have you asked him why pot is so important to him? That may require some soul searching. Perhaps giving it up falls into the "anything" that he promised to do for R? Are his grown friends all so into it?

Catlover, he tells me that he does it bc he likes it. But he also admits that he has done it when he felt stressed or helpless. I noted more reasons below as per Ilinia's post. But yesterday he was just watching golf. He was content! We did have his sister here for two nights and quite honestly her life is chaotic and I for one am glad when she leaves. Anyway...he started when he was 15 or so. As did his friends. Most of them still smoke on a "boys'" golf weekend or summer party. Before D-Day he was doing it a lot (3-4x month). Since D-Day, it has been less (every 2-3 months). And my friends (totally different provinces growing up) were into it too! It's like way, way too common amongst my age group (40's). Like they are all escaping...

Ilinia, thank you. I agree that his pot smoking touches almost every aspect you have noted below (conflict avoidance, peer pressure, etc.). He has been in IC since January 2013. He goes every month. We have even spoken about this with his IC (an older hippie like woman who seems to adore him). She did say clearly that if he choses to smoke pot and it is affects me/family time then he will have to live with the consequences. I did tell him last night that I would speak to a lawyer about D. Just so I know what is what. I have no clue how that call goes.

Thank you friends for your cyber-hugs.

Thank you bionic. Just so we are clear bionic, I am not asking him not to smoke pot anymore (although I do think it is ridiculous and won't do anything good for his almost 50 year old brain).

I just asked him NOT to smoke in/around our house as we have young boys.

I also asked him (for one year) to let me know when he does smoke it bc I wanted to know what I was dealing with (I had no clue in the past how often he was doing it). I promised myself that I would not get angry. I just wanted to know bc if it was every other week, that's no good for me and I can make the choice to leave. If its every 2-3 few months..I can deal with that. But at least let me know. Don't hide it from me bc so much has already been hidden from me. And once you start that behavior again, it's a slippery slope. It's A behavior.

He needs to be transparent and then give me the chance to accept his honesty. He didn't even give me that chance when he smoked at his friends house and didn't tell me. And he wasn't going to tell me about yesterday either.

We are NOT in MC right now. We need to be.

Hi honey. Damn I hate this for you. You have been very kind and very forgiving of your husband since dday. Im sorry he continues to do this.

I am unfamiliar with the law in Canada regarding pot. What is the penalty for using in a house with children present? I know here in the states..well..depending on which state...they can and will remove your children if pot is found at the residence..and the owners of the residence are arrested.

Im wondering if it's the same there? If so..he is putting your children at very high risk.