SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dday for me was Feb 19th...at that time I was 100% committed to making this marriage work. My WH at the time seemed to show what I thought was some remorse...he seemed upset that I was constantly crying and upset...he asked me what he should set his phone passcode to be, still I never got the passcodes to other email addresses. He did say he stopped contact with the OW. I went on a previously planned trip with a friend a few weeks later and came back with a clearer mindset. I wasn't so upset anymore and really didn't want to be around my WH. He didn't understand this change at all. He just wants to get to the "root" of the M problems. A month ago I asked him to move out b/c he was smothering me in the house. Now I am in IC and he says he doesn't need IC but is willing to do MC, says he "knows" why he had the A bc he was lonely in the M. He has since changed the code to his phone. He has also spoke to the OW at a restaurant and when I asked him about it he lied. Our daughter ended up telling me. Also the same time as the A with said OW he was sending in appropriate text messages with a coworker. On d-day I was very clear that I wanted that communication with the coworker to stop as well. Well of course a few weeks ago I find out by looking at the phone records that he had had 2 phone conversations with the female coworker. When i confronted WH about them he said nothing was going on, he just needed to vent and he was lonely. Still don't think I am seeing signs of remorse. Says he wants this marriage to work out. Says he is 100% responsible for the A but that as far as the problems that were in the M before the A that was majority my fault.......I am on the fence as to try to stay and work on R or just D. I am in IC to try and work through my thoughts but nothing is getting any clearer. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

BS: me age 35

WH: him age 36

married: 9 years, lived together 3 yrs before that

2 kids ages 6 and 2

Affair for 3 months with close friend of mine

inappropriate text message at same time w/ female co-worker

Oh and let me just add that I have been reading posts on this site and of course I feel bad if I try to look in his phone (however that wouldn't stop me) but again he changed his code. I feel bad if I ask him for his code. I don't want to fight with him, although he's not in the house. He knows I'm undecided about what I want to do. He cries when we talk about things but all he wants to do is talk about the issues in the M before the A. Should I be more demanding about asking for the phone and the code and not care what he thinks? about demanding that he go to IC? I dont' want to go to MC b/c I am influenced by him and want to make this decision on my own. Everytime I ask him about something he always has an answer for it or makes it out like it's nothing...he spoke to the OW b/c he asked if her husband was with her b/c he wanted to know if he needed to prepare for a fight, he didn't tell me when I asked b/c he knew I would make a bigger deal out of it than i should, etc.....

Well Betrayed, I'm sorry you had to join our club.

I have to say that blaming YOU for driving him to an affair (and that's exactly what he's saying) doesn't exactly sound like remorse. Never giving you the login info to his secret emails sure doesn't sound like remorse. Changing the pass-code AGAIN on his cell phone so you can't access it anymore sure doesn't sound like remorse to me. Continued contact with the OW because he's "lonely" again - then lying to you about it - sure doesn't sound lie remorse to me. He wants to concentrate on what 'drove' him to the affair (that would be YOU) rather than deal with the fallout and devastation his affair has wrought in your marriage - that doesn't sound like remorse to me.

I hate to say it, but this guy feels he's totally justified in whatever bad behavior he indulges in, because YOU made him do it. YOU made him 'lonely,' and YOU drove him to it.

Tell him when he mans up and owns his shit, maybe THEN you'll consider going to the next level of reconciliation. Until then, he's acting like a spoiled brat who feels totally justified in every thing he's done.

Good luck to you.

Remorse in my house was "I am 100% responsible for what I did, there was nothing you have done to cause it and the M had nothing to do with my issues which I am working through in IC". We use MC as more of a tool of learning how to heal together than examining past issues in the M, however I do believe that it can be beneficial for fixing issues that were within the M and may have led the WS to feeling the way they were it is NEVER an excuse to have an A...in our case he was never lonely in the M so much as low self esteem, which was a problem within himself not the M. Our biggest M issue was how we deal with the kids, so the MC focusing on that would be pointless in healing from the As for us...it's too easy for a WS to say the M was the problem, all Ms have problems. MC can be beneficial in examining problems in the M prior to As, but problems in the M did not cause the As, I cannot stress that enough!

Remorse to me looks like full transparency on anything I want to ask about or see. It is him taking pics of his timesheet at work weekly, even when I don't ask and phoning from a company line when he gets held up working late. It's him having NC with anyone involved and coming to me if they attempt any contact. It's him changing how he deals with women in general and staying off any websites that could lead to this again. It's his commitment 100% to the marriage and IC to learn about himself and the issues within him that allowed these boundaries to be crossed. If I say jump, he currently says how high. While I do not feel that is a good balanced M long term, it is what he wants to do now to prove how serious he is about R. Remorse is also about seeing the other person's pain and being sympathetic, patient and kind. Showing genuine concern for what they are going through and acknowledging that it is because of you and your choices. I believe the WS are hurting too, if they are genuinely remorseful - it hurts them to see us hurting and equally they feel guilt, shame etc if they truly are remorseful. Hopefully long term their emotions will be settled as much ours will from grieving, but if they dont' have them at first then I don't feel it's true remorse.

I won't speculate on whether your situation is true remorse or not, that's up to you to decide because you live it every day and see how he treats you, but the above is what remorse looks like to me. Knowing what you did, knowing it was only your choices that resulted in the A and wanting to become a better person who communicates and deals with their issues instead of blaming the WS or the M for them....all Ms have problems, some worse than others I'm sure, but an A is not the end result for everyone...that choice comes from within the WS. Loneliness is a symptom of M problems that many people feel, but not all of them cheat.

Says he is 100% responsible for the A but that as far as the problems that were in the M before the A that was majority my fault.......I am on the fence as to try to stay and work on R or just D.

This pisses me off for you frankly. This is NOT remorse, this is I made the choice, but it's your fault I made the choice. It's bullshit. It's a cowardly regretful way to handle things. It is NOT remorse.

Real remorse is less words and a lot more action. Real remorse is 100% accountability, and owning of ones shit. Real remorse is doing anything and everything to make it right. Following along with any boundaries and requests you may have without making you feel like you are overbearing, unrealistic, or treating him like a bad little boy.

You have every right to look at his phone whenever you want, and without feeling guilty. You have every right to every password there is. If he balks on any of them at any time, he is not remorseful, and most likely is up to no damn good.

Betrayed you are worth more, unfortunately he isn't going to give it to you, without you standing up and demanding it. Time to find some strength, and get what you need.

Why on earth would you feel "bad" for asking for his phone code and email passwords?

Do you think he felt "bad" for sleeping with OW for 3 months and sexting with a co-worker.

Please.

QUIT FEELING BAD and start feeling MAD.

Also, the excuse he gives about not telling you he saw OW because you'd make a big deal out of it...that is some shit there. He doesn't get to DECIDE what you know and don't know, and you be okay with that. He's basically saying he doesn't want to deal with your emotions, hurt, anger, etc by finding out he broke NC, so he just choses not to tell you. Unbelievable.

And no, it does not seem remorseful.

You are in no way responsible for you WH's choice to betray you. You should NOT feel bad demanding all the passowrds to every device he uses, or requiring that he go to IC as a condition of your R.

If he is truly remorseful, he will be bending over backward to show you that he is worthy of your trust and has changed his behavior. Continued hiding (changing his passcode) and lying (about the restaurant) would seem to indicate that he is NOT really remorseful.

Only you can decide what is right for you. And only you can decide when. But please do not allow yourself to be lied to any more. Make every choice with your eyes wide open.

R won't happen unless there is TOTAL transparency in the relationship. Tell him you have a right to be suspicious, untrusting,and he can take it or leave it. If he want's to R he has to work at it too!

My WW refused transparency, IC and blamed me for the A because I wasn;t more attentive.

Remorese don;t look like that.