SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

Your WW may wake up from her dream, after it's too late.

She has no idea what living with the OM will be like. Right now it's a fantasy.

That grass on the other side won't be as green as she thinks it is.

Take care of yourself and especially you son. He's going to need you more than ever very soon.

Good luck with your appointment today

Keep your cards close to your chest With regard to what you discuss with the solicitor and do not fill your ww in on the info

Keep us updated please

MM

Saveus,

Your story reminds me so much of mine--except that you are handling it as I should have. You are acting quickly and decisively. And through terrible pain. I am really sorry about those texts. I read only one from my X to her POS. She called him by a term of endearment she had used for me only. I was devastated and read no more. I remember the pain very clearly.

Keep moving forward, teeth clenched. We are all rooting for you.

Good luck today. Hope all went well.

Let us know how you are doing when you get the chance. Still thinking of you and your son.

yop

Wishing you strength, calm, and clear thinking today for your visit with the solicitor.

You are smart, strong, and a fierce Daddy. Remember that. No matter how broken you feel right now, remind yourself of this.

(((and strength)))

when i said dont paint yourself into a corner i meant dont give some kind of deadline. dont say if you dont stop by X date then i do this.

i meant more to say "this is unacceptable to me and if you choose your lies, your secrets, and your affairs over our family then i will be forced to reconsider my desire to remain in this relationship".

then, when and if you reconsider you ACT. you dont talk about it, you do it. but if you give a date and then she crosses the line and you arent prepared to act then you lose all credibility and if you ever do put down a line in the future then she will cross it considering it to be no more permanent or important than the other lines she has continually crossed after you drew them.

does that make sense?

after the latest ... i dont think your wife IS in the marriage at all. i think shes already got her mind up. the only hope you have at this point is to hit her and hit her hard with something and make her realize what she is doing. id consider getting a lawyer to draw up divorce papers and get her served. you can always stop the process later but maybe the papers will serve as a wakeup call.

im really sorry that you are going through this. i know its hard. these arent empty words. we have all been where you are. we know your pain. its terrible.

Saveus, the great thing about this site and what it provides through the knowledge, advice, and experience of its members is the powerful tool of foresight. You learn that wayward behavior in large part is scripted to a point you can nearly predict the outcome based on how the wayward acts/reacts to the situation. Remorse and regret is such a huge litmus test to know how far your WS is gone. You now know the truth is in thier actions at this point. You may not realize, but you are truly fortunate to find this site so early in your own situation. The advantage right now is yours. You have a thinktank of 40k plus members here to help you strategize and brainstorm you and your son's way out of this situation. The power and control is now yours.

Your WW has no real counsel (save any legal ones you don't know about) other than the OM himself. This three time divorcee's MO is clearly to find weakened women and prey on them in safe family oriented environments where most good husbands would have their guards down. There were other women in the club who didn't fall prey to this, who had much stronger boundaries than your WS and resisted "Grima Wormtongue's" poisionous influence.

As UKgirl mentioned, and if your solicitor allows, you should at first opportunity let the club organizers aware of the OM's abuse of his position. You have all the evidence to back up your claim, and I myself would print it all out and show them as proof without embarrassment. But that is just my approach. I wouldn't be surprised if your WS wasn't the only woman there who was pursued by the OM.

If the opportunity allows, I would also calmly speak to the three previous ex's of this OM and gather more info about how their own marriages with him expired. There may be some real gems that they share with you and you may be able to determine an interesting pattern to the OM's behavior.

The further few steps ahead you can get on your WW and the OM, the better prepared you will be to protect you and your son from their selfishness.

Thanks for the thoughts today guys. I've been lurking, just lacking the energy to post.

Yesterday was a bit surreal. I took my son out to his favourite indoor 'playzone'-type place. My wife stayed in bed, looking forlornly around the walls of our lovely house, with the weight of the world on her poor little shoulders (whilst saying precisely nothing to me).

By the evening, having spent all day determined not to start a conversation and waiting for her to walk out, I couldn't take it much more. I avoided any long debates but told her I could read her mind (shame my 'sixth sense' didn't kick in years ago) and knew she was thinking of leaving me. This she confirmed though she lied yet again about various things I knew from her texts - until pushed, anyway. All along I didn't want to give up my advantage that I have now seen her latest messages so KNOW she's been expressing her love to the OM and telling him she's leaving me, so I had to bite my tongue more than once or twice.

So, anyway, the long and the short of it is that - yet again - she bottled making a decision and left her pathetic OM sat at home waiting for her. (Not to mention me).

I know what you're thinking, grow a backbone! Throw her out!!

This situation is a farce. Our 'marriage' a sham. I'm sat here in the middle of it, so I know.

So, anyway, to this morning and my meeting with the solicitor. It was positive, encouraging and as expected - to the point, factual and practical.

We discussed our son (obviously) and my rights as a father, house, finances, the justification for divorce, my wife's right to walk out with our son at any time (or mine, for that matter), and plenty more.

I won't go into too much detail as it strikes me my WW could have figured out which site I'm posting on, and could be reading this.

Suffice to say though whether it's about our child or finances or whatever, it's down to us as grown-ups, first and foremost, to come to an amicable arrangement.

The solicitor did increase my confidence. I liked her, she seemed extremely competent (as you would expect) and she allayed some of my fears.

She did also confirm that there is precisely nothing I can do to either force my WW out of the bedroom or the house. Short of getting physical with her, which she strongly advised me against.

Another thing, she suggested - without further evidence - I forget any concerns about the OM possibly using my WW to get close to my son. My gut tells me this is wrong anyway, but I did raise it. And you all know I would do anything in my power to protect him/not put him in harm's way in the first place. Just a shame my WW didn't think of that herself.

Just down to me now to know when I've finally reached the end of my tether. I was close yesterday, especially when my WW started saying things like, 'I won't be under house arrest if I stay with you!'. She SO doesn't get it, it's truly frightening. And thinking like that, there is no way forward. I totally see that.

I clearly am a glutton for punishment (I hear you, mike7) but everyone has a different breaking point.

I think that was a big step you just took, I remember when I first went to a D lawyer just for a consult I was so scared and afraid and unsure. But it took some of that "unknown" out of it for me and also gave me some logic answers to some questions and then lastly it starts to move you towards a reality that you may have to face.

But sometimes there are those of us who can immediately make a decision and decide to D and then there are some who this comes in baby steps. At the end of the day you are creeping towards what you feel you will need to do in your own sitch. Good for you in taking further steps in gaining knowledge.

Thanks for the encouragement, realitybites. I confess to delaying posting here as I still expect a few frustrated voices, questioning why I didn't file for D there & then. I can't answer that, other than to say it didn't feel right. But I feel like I'm on the path.

That was a big first step and now you know your rights. Good. Not frustrated at all, just very sad for your family. Of course you know what the rest of us are going to say right? Keep moving forward and stop reacting to her and set things forwards in motion for yourself.

I clearly am a glutton for punishment (I hear you, mike7) but everyone has a different breaking point.

I get that you may not be ready to commit to certain actions like D. Really I do. And I think most of us here would still continue to hope for R for you and your son. But she's still not even remotely in your marriage. She's biding her time to see how she can have both of you. You know that this is not acceptable to yourself so I just don't see how R is in your cards.

Not telling you what to do here saveus. You have 15 pages here that tells you exactly that. I'm just going to continue to point out what is obvious to all of us about your situation. You know what's best for you and what feels right for you. To me it sounds like the final bell of the train is leaving the station. Is she off or is she on? Doesn't look like she's budging one bit and makes me feel very sad for your son and you. You know she doesn't get it and is just gone...

You will continue to have my support any which way you decide to go.

Continuing to send courage and strength to you and your son.

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 11:36 AM, May 12th (Monday)]

No frustration from me. I am happy you went and got answers, and know the what if's now. It gives you the opportunity to decide things from a point of knowledge.

We all make our choices as to when to draw our line in the sand and say no more. Honestly if you aren't ready to pull the trigger don't, you will certainly miss the target. However you do need to do a lot of self reflection and figure out just how much longer you can stand to be in this situation, and where your breaking point is.

Your wife doesn't get it, and may never. But remember your son deserves to have a least one parent who is mentally strong, and competent, who demands the respect he deserves. I was so scared and broken, but I knew in my heart my kids deserved better parents, and that is what really helped me to get to the point of saying no more.

(((and strength)))

she's been expressing her love to the OM and telling him she's leaving me, so I had to bite my tongue more than once or twice.

Your wife is playing both of you. You and the OM. She is playing some poor little me game with the both of you.

Don't let her do it anymore.

Do not try to read her mind. Your 6th sense could be very good, but you probably cannot read her mind. You might know what she is thinking, but then again she could be thinking lies. You will drive yourself insane waiting for her to bring up things to talk about that YOU want to talk about.

You will drive yourself insane trying to get her to talk to you about the things you want to talk about in any intelligent fashion.

Forget talking to her.

I do believe you need to force her hand. As everyone has said from day 1, force her off the fence.

Your attorney said there is not much you can do without further evidence. You could be spending time on getting evidence if you really believe there is a threat to your son.

Talk to the three ex-wives. Just be very careful, do not tell them why you are asking certain questions. Just act like you are some discrete politician on a fact finding mission.

I dont know about the UK, but here it is common for anyone to do a background check on someone. Have you done a background check on this OM. Criminal records can be seen this way and it could be important for you to do this.

If you can't, your lawyer probably can.

Saveus,

As far as I'm concerned you are doing admirably. I visited my lawyer at least three times--at 300.00 per hour--over the course of half a year before I actually was ready to file.

Each time I would go back and tell my XW I'd gone. Of course I did this hoping that this would show her how serious I was. It had the opposite effect, as she took this as a sign that she could continue her fence-sitting. And she was right, until my pain became so overwhelming that I ultimately did file. I literally forced myself to tell my lawyer to file before I changed my mind once again.

And then the shit really hit the fan, when XW was promptly knocked off her fence. She became vile beyond belief, fueled by her anger at me for daring to take away her control over me.

Not saying or predicting yours will react the same if and when you finally have had enough. (And of course I would be truly relieved if your WW had an epiphany.) Just be really careful. Protect yourself. Tell her nothing. You have been quite clear with her.

Now you can tell others that a visit to a lawyer isn't the end of the world as you know it. You now have more information which increases your power. Good for you.

I'm beginning to suspect that she wants both of you pining for her rather than actually having to choose one or the other. Why she likes both of you on pins and needles I cannot fathom, but the " poor me" attitude is in full blossom.

Thanks everyone. I seriously don't know what I'd do without you.

I seriously don't know what I'd do without you.

It's after 2300 over there. You should get some sleep without us if you can.

You might not be able to push her out of your bedroom but if at all possible, move your stuff into another room. It will speak volumes without saying a word. Go buy a mattress, move in to the living room, where ever, put up plastic to make walls if you have to. Its not like the two of you will be having a party soon. Your son will adapt to the new living arrangement. It will also get you away from her mental abuse.

Trust me, taking a stand like this will be very empowering for yourself. BTDT.

Well, that was the worst night in a long time. 3 hours' sleep. I was walking the streets from 12.40-2.15.

All because I went out with family (my cousin invited me to a Boys' Night Out - basically free pool and a few beers once a month with uncles and cousins) and stupidly had three pints of beer. I've barely drunk since D-Day 1. Three beers seems to have tipped me over the edge.

I got home and first of all felt sad and sentimental. I tried to snuggle up to my wife in bed, even initiate something... I know, I know, I KNOW... When my WW rejected me, all my pain & hurt and frustration rose to the surface. We ended up having a row at midnight with me calling her a whole bunch of names.

Now, since we woke up an hour ago, I feel I have played right into her hands. She's now the victim, the aggrieved party. Being the kind of guy (doormat, if you prefer) I am, I apologised for some of the things I said. But of course, my WW still cannot accept that I am prone to mood swings right now, nor that maybe I've got a right to be.

What has really got under my skin is the fresh lies - yes she admitted the contact with the OM on Saturday evening but only when I put it to her that I didn't believe she hadn't been in touch with him that night.

Do you think I should confront her with the fact I can see her latest texts, or keep that under my hat so she doesn't modify her behaviour? It's the only way I can get to any truth, all the while my WW doesn't know how not to lie any more.

She says we're going to have this out tonight like grown-ups, and be honest with me (despite the recent texts, she continues to tell me she loves me and would be with him if she wanted to be). But I know by now that trying to rationalise with her gets me precisely nowhere. So what's the point in talking??

I feel D is now the only way, but I am very scared, I admit it

Why confront her? You already know what you need to know. She is not remorseful and she is not interested in being married. What would you gain from agreeing to her negotiation terms? You don't need any more "talks."

As for filing, it's not a race. Do it when you feel comfortable doing it.

I think she is rather cruel.

What do you think is going through your mind when you make a physical advance on her? I just ask out of curiosity. I wanted my ex to want to reconcile, at first, but the thought of having sex with her while her mind was elsewhere... well, I'm not sure my parts would have cooperated - my desire for her was absolutely dead and didn't return. I barely even recognize her today.