SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There was a comment made on another post that reminded me of something that I recently read. The article focused on the behavior of the AP during certain stages of an A.

In the beginning stages the AP is attentive to the needs of the Wayward. Thus, diverting the Wayward's attention away from the M and onto the AP. The two form a bond and enter into a pact. At this point, the AP begins to let their guard down and the real person shows up. The AP may become more controlling and or more possessive of the Wayward.

The reality of the relationship becomes apparent to the Wayward and they may decide that they want out. The AP senses this is really ramps up their demands on the Wayward to choose them over the betrayed. Wayward chooses the betrayed and wishes to put the A in the past.

Oh, but the AP "will not be ignored". The AP may threaten the Wayward with telling the spouse, employer or family. When the threats do not produce the desired response, the AP may resort to face to face contact with the Wayward or their family. Some send correspondence to the home, drive by the residence or appear in public places.

Some of the desperate attempts to get the Wayward back into a relationship are considered outrageous. When females engage in this type of behavior they are referred to as "Bunny Boilers". The term refers to a scene in the movie "Fatal Attraction". This "craziness" that is meant to pull the Wayward toward the AP does the opposite, it pushes the intended away.

In my situation, donkey did much of the stereotypical AP behavior. The A went through all the stages; infatuation-fantasy love- this bitch is crazy and I'm ghost! Oh TheBestMe I am so sorry, please please please.....

The AP in our situation has done everything short of actually boiling one of the rabbits in our yard. When my H stepped away from the toxic relationship the reality of his choices became clear. He sees the need to search and to uncover and to deal with his issues. Also, he says that he is thankful for normal.

It would be interesting to see what others have experienced from the "Bunny Boilers" or male AP's in their situations. How did the behavior affect R?

FWH ended the LTA with the cumdumpster 6 years before I found out about the affair. He ended the affair, not because of guilt, not because he realized he couldn't continue to do this to me, but because the AP's mask did begin to slip and he saw the cray cray lurking and knew he had no control over it.

He didn't officially "break it off" with it. He just stopped calling, answering its calls, etc., just stopped. No explanation to the slunt. He didn't hate it at that point, and he would have had fond memories of it and their times together, but noooooooo..........OW had to let the cray cray out in full force.

1. driving around our neighbourhood drunk and crying, on the phone with FWH, couldn't find our house, can't imagine how that all would have gone down had it found us

2. showing up at a resort where we were for FWH's big family get together and lurked outside our hotel door (didn't know this until after the fact, but FWH's nephew asked who the ugly woman was hanging out in the hallway) OW also spoke to my youngest child there.

3. OW sent messages to FWH over the radio. They both listened to the same station and it would call and give FWH a message.

4. ran FWH off the road and then ran up to his truck to hug him

5. would hang out on the street corners that OW knew FWH would pass on his drive home from work

6. had strange men call our house to try to get FWH's new cell#

7. called me and tried to befriend me, saying it was an old former employee of FWH's and for me to not worry that it was after my FWH, it already had a boyfriend and just wanted to "catch up" with FWH. Invited me out to coffee. hhmmmmm, kind of regret that, wonder how that would have gone down, too.

8. sending us a Christmas card

9. OW kept calling me and kept trying to get me to get FWH to call it back, he wouldn't because he said "I hate it and it is crazy, don't talk to it!"

All this happened before I was aware of the affair. OW stalked and fished for FWH for 6 years before I knew. He put up with this craziness and grew to hate OW. Yesh, being a junior Bunny Boiler totally worked against OW, as FWH really does despise the OW.

It didn't affect our Reconciliation really. We did have a common hatred for the OW, though.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:51 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]

The OW in my situation was never aggressive after the ending of the A, but there was a post on SI a while ago, and whoever wrote it was SPOT on. I could relate.

It was about the 4 stages that a OW goes through....I cant remember now, but something like the end she is clutching at straws to just be friends etc.

Id love to find it again..

@Sister - Each of your posts are always so insightful. When the AP begins to unmask it can be shocking to the Wayward. In my situation, donkey has some mental problems and it went full bore on my H.

@Heartbroken - It pulled out all the stops trying to get my H back.

Contrary to what some may think, the intent was not so much to get my H back, but the purpose was to hurt me. In an LTA the AP that is envious of the W may begin to think " if only I could get rid of her".

It definitely encouraged NC!

It scared the shit out of fWS.

The OW scared the crap out of my fWH too. She threatened to contact his employer/boss to complain about him. Threatened to call me and expose the A, then I found out about her a few weeks later and that threat could no longer be held over him. Lied about everything under the sun: I have cancer, fly here and take care of me, I have stalkers, my house/car was broken into, I've been raped, I have a crazy exh and exbf that threaten and scare me, I've been in a car accident and almost lost the baby....again, so fly here and help me (this one happened twice), I was in a train accident and I'm on bed rest so I don't lose our baby...wtf? I haven't the money to feed my kids, buy them Christmas presents or pay my bills (but I can fly to Hawaii to spend the week with you while your there on business) Found out she was pregnant with their love child just three weeks after their Hawaii trip, this is when the whole pregnancy thing started, then miscarried a month later and wanted to die because she lost their baby (what about your 7 and 10 year old children!?!), then told him "I lied about the miscarriage and I am still pregnant, so you still have to deal with me" when he started to catch on that she was a nut job. When he broke up with her before DDay, then it was "our baby has Downs Syndrome and that is why I lied about a miscarriage, I was saving you and your family from the same pain I'm in" drama fest. Tried to extort money for insurance bills, doc bills, etc. and threatened to take fWH to court to get $3000 dollars, not realising she would have to prove she was pregnant....lol. Drove over to fWH's best friend's home on more than one occasion to try and get our overseas address and phone number. If we would have lived close to her, I have no doubt that she would have stalked our home, work places, etc. to interject herself into our lives. She then threatened suicide to make fWH break no contact. We had to call the local police to go to her home and check on her so we wouldn't be held liable in the event she did actually try to harm herself. She threatened to go public with the affair to ruin him. Threatened to contact our dd in college for a paternity test because we lived 6000 miles away and our dd attended a college close to OW. That was the last straw for me. We obtained a lawyer, called the police, had an official no contact letter sent to her by our lawyer, and court papers ready to go for a PO on dd in case she didn't comply. Then hired a PI, to once and for all confirm that she was never pregnant so we could finally put that hot mess of a bunny boiler behind us for good, and finally focus on our marriage and it's recovery. To this day, she still stalks my FB page. However, she is scared shitless of me. I am friends with her exh and knows I could ruin her publicly if she ever tried to screw with my family again. She was a former high school classmate of ours and we have many friends and family in common. It will be interesting to see if she goes to our next HS reunion. She still lives in our hometown. She is a mess, and I doubt she will ever change. (Edited for spelling errors.) :)

[This message edited by RedRaven6500 at 11:59 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

Sent me a link to her sexually explicit blog, then tried to make it look like WH sent it instead.

Pretended she had been in a serious car accident so WH would come to her rescue.

Searched all the forums on SI until she figured out who I was. Twice.

Mailed a box of BDSM sex toys to house, no return address.

Blocked my husband's car in our driveway and forced him to accept a letter from her.

Claimed later that because he had blocked her from email, phone and social media, it was "the only way she could get it to him."

Also claimed that my WH was "childish and immature" because he drove over the median strip into our neighbor's driveway to get away from her when she reached through the car window to touch him.

Is, literally as I type this, refusing to answer her door so that the process server can't give her the cease & desist letter from WH and his lawyer.

OW didn't let her mask slip until he married her!

And now he works from home, is not allowed to have contact with his elderly parents, sister, niece, nephew, eldest kids, or DGD(2). He has to ask permission to go grocery shopping. He cooks, cleans, takes care of the dogs and drops everything when her kids need him.

My kids tell me he's miserable but resigned to this life as his!

He got the woman he wanted, in the bed he made, now he's lying in it!

K

Kajem, it's just sooo NICE, to see a WH get exactly what he wanted in life!

the intent was not so much to get my H back, but the purpose was to hurt me. In an LTA the AP that is envious of the W may begin to think " if only I could get rid of her".

Exactly in our situation, too. What OW wanted more than FWH was EVERYTHING I had. OW wanted my kids (it can't have children) our house, vacation home, toys, vehicles etc.. For those six years that I was in the dark after the affair ended, FWH was very concerned (but not enough to give me a heads up) about my safety. Every time I would need to go out in the evening, he would give me a safety checklist. He also started to tell me to be aware when I leave the house, that there isn't someone lurking outside ready to jump me. I thought he was going nuts. It all made sense when the truth came out.

Heh. Mine lost her mind as well. before NC he tried to break up with her more than once. When he would, she'd say stuff like her grandpa died, her mom was sick, her grandma was dying, she was starving broke and needed food for her kids. She claimed to be pregnant, twice (funny how a baby never materialized). She kept finding me all over the internet to friend me in order to scare him into resuming contact with her. She claimed to have cancer. She said she just wanted to be friends then kept sending sex texts and naked pictures.

When he went NC she threated to send all his work contacts pictures of his penis, and started texting him their names one by one. She sent me old text messages of his. She threated to call his job and tell them he had her in hotels while on business trips. She looked up his ex wife's and daughter's facebook pages and started stalking them, texting him about what they posted, as if she was saying I'll tell then all about us too. One morning the inside of our car was trashed. Nothing taken, just stuff thrown all around the car from the glove compartment. Can't prove she did it.

All this, and we were seperated. He could have left to be with her at any time. I told him to go if that was what he wanted. He didn't. If dumbass had played her cards better she could have gotten what she wanted. I'm still not with him and she's freaked him out so much that he wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot poll. He hates her now.

Man, chicks are stupid these days.

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 3:47 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

march 2 2002...DDAy 1 I had just arrived home reeling from losing my job to dept consolidation. The phone rang and there was a female voice saying I am WH's friend if you hurt him if you ever hurt him again I will come and find and you will regret it. Then she hung up. Wh arrives home fo lunch and after I asked he confessed to some things. I kicked him out and the phone rang relentlessly for 24 hours she waslooking for him. She called my daughter and threatened her. That when I got on the phone and went ballistic. He would not tell me who she was but I guessed. She was a former groupie that carried a torch for 30 years.

MAy 5 2005 another DDAy the affair had gone underground. Craziness was worse after the second DDAy.

March 6 2009 Another DDAY, threatening phone calls, threatening letters, nasty emails hang up calls all hours of the day and night.visit from the police to face charges of harrassment. They laughed when I told them the loonng story. Guess I have a sense of humor. Drivebys, calling the inlaws I am so glad we dont have rabbits.

May 2014 who knows? I suspect there is still contact. Not worth my trouble anymore. I live my life for myself now.

OW#5 (my sister) went all bunny boiler on my WH as well, lol!

1. told my kids that they had to call her Mom because she was going to marry WH and take them away from me.

2. Stole her teenage daughter's sixteen year old boyfriend and moved him in with her to make WH jealous while we were separated and WH was trying to get me to take him back.

3. When she was arrested for dealing crystal meth, she kept calling WH collect from jail, begging him to have me bail her out while officers kept coming to my house begging me to bail her out because they couldn't stand being around her.

4. Would drive by my house at all hours, calling and threatening to commit suicide if WH was there.

5. Would constantly tell him that she was on the verge of dying from yet another incurable disease that never materialized. Would always tell him that her death would be on his hands if he tried to dump her.

6. Constantly called WH as the ultimate damsel in distress. Come change my light bulb, take out my trash, go to the store and buy me a pack of cigarettes and a soda, electricity getting shut off and need money right now, etc. Non-stop neediness.

7. Threatened to kill any OW WH got involved with after her.

In all of her cray cray, she never once threatened to tell me. When I confronted her, she had the gall to say that WH BETRAYED HER by telling me in one breath and then lying and denying it in the next!

I'm a WW, is it ok for me to comment? I has a bunny boiler male AP.

I'm a WW, is it ok for me to comment? I has a bunny boiler male AP.

This would seem to indicate an open invitation:

It would be interesting to see what others have experienced from the "Bunny Boilers" or male AP's in their situations. How did the behavior affect R?

Besides, BBT, I LOVE to read what you write!

[This message edited by krsplat at 6:19 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

Hmmm where to start...?!

*She left her jewellery at our house.

*She deliberately put items that belonged to her in our car.

*She bought my SD the exact same gifts and clothes I bought her and posted them to our house.

*She drove 6hrs to sit in my driveway.

*She sent me texts every day from different phones, many many on Fridays, then denied all.

*She rang me at home, then denied it.

*She befriended the kids on fb.

*She took photos of herself at our house and posted them on fb.

*She sent parcels, cards and letters to my house for WH.

*She contacted WH's exW and sought to gain contact again.

*She said her and WH were engaged.

*She said she was pregnant.

*She said her sister was dying.

*She said her nephew was dying.

* She wrote a letter saying she didn't know I existed!

*She ignored every NC letter sent until the big one from MR.I.Eatsharks

The things that revolting excuse for a human actually said were repulsive, dishonest and ridiculous. But guess what? You know it! They were soul mates.

but then...

*She told everyone she was leaving the country...and she ACTUALLY did!! Hooray!

Ok, she still tries to contact every few months but as long as the BBC is out of the country, crickets is eeeeeeeasy!

She sent my kids gifts... She took a picture of our house on a visit to a tourist attraction near us, and posted it to flickr, said it was her "new house" and couldn't wait to move in. (this was EAP, not the escort... That would be extra loopy!)

Eap was ridiculous. I warned him of her bunny boiler status, before he got involved... But he took her nutso as flattery.

fWH's wannabe OW is a bona fide nut job. It also wanted my life.

It lives next door, and kept releasing it's pets into our yard so that it could come in and get them.

It stood in it's front yard yelling at us about our "perfect life" and how we thought we were better than it (well, duh!).

It texted our 15 year old daughter to "tell her that she didn't walk in on what she thought she did, it was innocent, and nothing was going on". We blocked it's number.

It told all of our neighbours that I am an abusive wife, that I always punched my husband, and wouldn't look after my family, and that it befriended him because he "needed help and support"

It told it's BP that it had the mental health issues that fWH has, and that's why it cheated. (I found out later that he wasn't exactly "betrayed", while he was seeing her, he had a wife and 2 kids at home, his wife knows everything now).

It followed us when we were shopping.

The final straw was something that I couldn't talk about until now, as there was a pending court case, which was heard yesterday. It waited out the front of our house, and grabbed my daughter's arm and started yelling at her that she was a "little trouble-making lying bitch, and if she didn't stop telling people lies about It, then It would have to sort her out". I saw red, and I'm certainly not proud of what I did, but I flew out the front like a bat out of hell, and punched her in the face, knocking her to the ground, and stood over her and said "If you so much as look at any member of my family again, I'll rip your f@#king face off". I was never charged with assault, as the police had records of many other incidents, and they viewed it as me defending my child. We now have a PPO, covering the whole family.

The look on the Magistrate's face was priceless when the Police Prosecutor painted a picture of a 6 foot tall monster grabbing and standing over a 4 foot 11 (yeah, she's tiny) 15 year old...

Fortunately, we're moving soon, so we'll never have to see it's face again

Put her vile, dollar store body spray in my office

Came and sat at my bar very soon after DD

STILL, to this day, has her friends try to befriend me (been NC w/XH for 4 years)

Demanded XH go NC w/me

Demanded XH file (4 months NON STOP fighting betwixt them til it happened)

Mixed some of her clothes in w/my stuff as I was moving out