SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Couple of things. The reason I asked if she was remorseful was because she is talking to her BH about what she'd put on a dating site, that doesn't read remorse to me.

Second thing:

I just find it hard to comprehend that a cheater wouldn't tolerate being cheated on

Why should I as someone who cheated tolerate being cheated on. I think im reading this wrong or something. I am reading this as a cheater gets cheated on and they dont deserve it but they should tolerate it if it happens. Why? If they are unremorseful and have made no changes then no I dont get it but if this is a remorseful former cheater who has made changes and is healing then no I dont see them not tolerating cheating as a crazy thing. Once again not tolerating it to me means not standing for being with someone actively cheating on me. If someone did I would (and have) try to forgive and R if remorse was there.

I as a WS never "demanded" R (to paraphrase from a post upthread) and I don't actually think *any* truly remorseful WS "demands" R or demands that their BS do anything really. Every remorseful WS I've ever seen/read about here is grateful for their chance to repair and rebuild, and grateful that their BS is still with them and working on it.

That said, everyone is different and even a former cheater might leave if the shoe ended up on the other foot. I don't believe anyone is "obligated" to reconcile with a cheater ever...even and including if they once cheated.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 6:51 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

What value are they placing on me if they think that I am less worthy of what they would demand?

I demanded nothing from my BH. When I confessed, I was completely prepared to walk out the door if he wanted me out of his life. Didn't happen. So I stayed. There were no demands on my part.

Every day he gives me is a gift that I cherish. I fully understand is struggle in the aftermath. I was there every step of the way. No human should have to go thru that kind of pain. I'm very grateful he wanted to repair our marriage with me.

As far as the whole "eye for an eye" mindset... If you truly feel that way, why stay? A healed marriage has no place for vengeance and resentment. If the BS says, "I want R", that doesn't include "evening the score".

I do think it's a bit hypocritical.

If I were to cheat on my husband 10 years from now..I would not EXPECT him to try to R with me...but I sure as Hell would be hurt if he chose not to. For the last 4 years I have dealt with TT, a 2nd dday that I found out 6 months later was NOT a dday due to major TT, but a dday that he gave me because I wouldn't stop asking what I didn't know..so he made something up! I've dealt with his pity parties..his "memememe" selfish attitude...his refusal to get tested for STD's for the first few months, porn,porn,and more porn(he is a porn addict)...trying to get him to go to IC (he was ashamed and embarrassed, but knew he needed to go...I had to push it)...I've had to fight MYSELF every day...because I stayed with a man who did this to me...I have triggered..and dealt with it alone...he refused to answer questions...hell for the fist 2.5 years after dday I was bleeding out, until I finally said no more..then he suddenly turned around and started doing everything that he should have done(and he continues to be that man today).

I have eaten one Hell of a shit sandwich.

Yes...I could have left. It was my choice to stay. However, I also had nowhere to go, a chronic pain condition that makes working difficult, and kids at home, so while I could have left, I really couldn't. And he knew this.It worked to his advantage for awhile.

But..if in 10 years my life spirals down..and I made the same bad choices that waywards make...if he were to tell me he was leaving, there would be no R...wow. That would absolutely shatter me.

It would make me feel like I wasn't worth being faithful to...and now Im not even worth the hard work it would take to R. The same hard work I put into him and the marriage when he fucked up.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:48 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

Everyone deserves fidelity. Ironically, even cheaters.

In a way, isn't your wife validating your painful experience? She wasn't saying, "If you cheat on me, I'm outta here," she was saying, "Theoretically, cheating is a deal breaker for me." Now, why she put it in this weird, hypothetical way is a little perplexing. (If my H were to be speculating on what he'd put on a dating site, my red flags would go up), but I don't know if her sentiment in and of itself is unfair.

Is she supposed to feel like it is ok to be cheated on, since she did it?

^^ x2

Is she supposed to feel like it is ok to be cheated on, since she did it?

No that's not my point.

My point is the hypocrisy of someone who is a repeat offender and just over 6 months out can say such a thing.

[This message edited by mozzchops at 9:32 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

mozz,

IMO, thinking this is 'hypocrisy' - which it certainly looks like - doesn't help the BS heal, and BS healing is paramount to me.

Focusing on the WS's failures sets up a thought process something like, 'If my WS changes morally, I'll heal.'

I think it's much more accurate to think this double standard is a reflection of the WS's loss of touch with reality. They don't see that the world is better off when we don't do to others what we don't want them to do to us.

That leaves you to heal yourself by dealing with your thoughts, feelings and desires, and it leaves the WS to heal by getting back in touch with reality - owning what they did, making amends, changing from cheater to good partner.