SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Double post.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 11:48 PM, May 24th (Saturday)]

Swat,

I applaud you for taking this head on. You're venting here on SI instead of using your wife as a punching bag. From the outside looking in, you're doing great. You're going to have good days and bad days. One thing is for sure, THE SUN IS GOING TO RISE TOMORROW. You've surrounded yourself with a great support system. Sounds like it's about time to sit down with your IC again. I know for me just being able to vent helps me get through the tough times. I used to keep it all inside and hide from my friends and family. Mostly because I was afraid someone would know something was up.

No need for apologies. Vents and ranting helps us all. In fact its good to blow the steam before an explosion.

There is just no denying: Its shitty. Its sucks. We are angry and confused. And we can look forward to know ing it will be less shitty someday. We'll be less angry someday.

That there is a pattern to this that is so recognizable to so many of us sucks even more.

BTW- I read your W posts. I think she is getting quite insightful replies. But you are right it takes time. No silver bullets I'm afraid.

Did I mention this sucks?

Hi SWAT. I too am a BH. I haven't posted in ages but I do check in from time to time.

My post may disagree from some of the others here, but oh well. Incoming 2x4:

You have the right to be hurt. The feelings you are feeling now are normal. And yes, they are extremely difficult and frustrating.

However, the fact that your WW made some jackass decisions does not give you a free pass to make jackass decisions.

Getting drunk and stumbling around in the middle of the night, near bodies of water, without anybody knowing where you are, is pretty much known as a death sentence around my part of the country. I think I read a story in the news at least once every other week about someone who died this way. You not only put your life at risk, but you put your childrens' father's life at risk.

You have a right to be left alone. But do so in a safe manner. Let her know your spending the night at a buddies house, then spend the night at a buddies house and get sloshed there. Then you will be absolutely entitled to your space.

Finally, given the circumstances, your wife looked out for your health and well being, (not to mention her childrens' father's health and well being) even though this had the potential of driving you further away from her. Most people have said that this was selfish, but I think that putting the marriage at risk to ensure your safety was not selfish at all.

Hey SWAT. Can't give any additional advice that hasn't already been posted. Some great advice back there from Bigger.

You are on the roller coaster from hell and have a long way to go before this nightmare ends. Be kind to yourself. Wanted to let you know that I'm still here. Still listening to your "personal twitter account". Try and enjoy the rest of your weekend and your holiday. And thanks again for your service. Will be thinking about you and your family this weekend.

yop

My post may disagree from some of the others here, but oh well. Incoming 2x4:

You have the right to be hurt. The feelings you are feeling now are normal. And yes, they are extremely difficult and frustrating.

However, the fact that your WW made some jackass decisions does not give you a free pass to make jackass decisions.

Getting drunk and stumbling around in the middle of the night, near bodies of water, without anybody knowing where you are, is pretty much known as a death sentence around my part of the country. I think I read a story in the news at least once every other week about someone who died this way. You not only put your life at risk, but you put your childrens' father's life at risk.

You have a right to be left alone. But do so in a safe manner. Let her know your spending the night at a buddies house, then spend the night at a buddies house and get sloshed there. Then you will be absolutely entitled to your space.

Finally, given the circumstances, your wife looked out for your health and well being, (not to mention her childrens' father's health and well being) even though this had the potential of driving you further away from her. Most people have said that this was selfish, but I think that putting the marriage at risk to ensure your safety was not selfish at all.

^^^^^^ This ^^^^^^

You've been making really good decisions, this was a bad one with potential to really cause your kids pain. You are not invincible, your kids need to be your focus now. You need to protect yourself so you can be there for them.

Your kids have been thru a lot of crap over the last year, they worry about both their parents because they love them. You were the parent in the hospital, getting surgery, going thru physical therapy, protecting them from OM at Easter, then disappearing for the memorial, while mom protected them from OM trying to gain entrance to your house. Something they expect daddy to do! Their world is changing very fast right now. They don't need you making shitty decisions that put you health and life at risk. You need to start thinking thru your pain to what this situation is costing them and ways you can minimize the price they'll pay. Because everyone pays for infidelity one way or another.

For the first time I have read your post here. I haven't read all of it and don't know your full story but I got to tell you, you sound like SUCH a good, good man.

You are a cop and a vet. THANK YOU for your service.

Hug virtual hugs to you and SoSorry17. She knows what she has had in you and what she has done to you. I wish the two of you the best of luck for whatever comes next for you, her and your kids.

I'm more a believer in taking a Wallowday.

Wallowday is the concept that when dealing with infidelity or a similar huge stress, that every once in a while you need to get out and take a few hours to wallow in the pain. You need to do that before the emotions release in a more negative way.

It's like a holiday, only you're wallowing in shit rather than relaxing in beautiful scenery.

Ideally, it can be done without causing others worry, but it sounds like the bartender saved you a really stupid decision with driving.

I think you're doing great. This numbness you talk about is the understanding that it's really hard to forgive inside, even if you decide you want to save your marriage. That you recognize this is a good sign. It's in your power to decide whether you can continue.

Swat I just now found your thread and read ALL 29 pages this afternoon.

I know you have encouraged me on my thread last week when it was time for me to go before the court. I had LOST all hope in our legal system.

Yes this is so tiring and so daunting and yes it takes a big part of who you are away. I can only tell you this:

Take it day by day. Sometimes families CAN NOT be fixed. They just cant. I tried for years - and my ex was a narsacisstic sociapath (literally) after mental and physical abuse - i found out the true meaning of that in a shelter.

You need to look at this and decide for you if you truly think you can R or if you think divorce and healing seperate will be best. Sometimes being together and trying to R is not best for the kids. I know what damaage I did to mine.

I have you in my thoughts and prayers - and thank you for serving our country and for being a police officer - that is a BIG sacrifice daily,.

Sitting on the deck with the kids roasting marshmallows.

After church today we spoke with our pastor. I told WW some of my issues with how she has been acting. I let her know how I have felt since d-day. And she told me her concerns as well. All in all it was good for us I think.

I explained to her how I need some space now and then and I will do what I can to explain how I'm feeling. I have a hard time with her being "hurt" as well. She did this to us and it is hard for me to except. But way deep down I get my actions have hurt her as well. She has accepted my behavior for the most part. I have a difficult time being a "victim". I explained how I love her one minute and almost hate what she has done to me the next. I think she understands how I feel. She said she wants to help me and I want to believe her. But it is hard because she is the one that hurt me as well. I've always fought back when someone hurts me or does the wrong thing. The hardest thing for me is resolving that she did this horrible thing but she wants to make amends. I promised her I would try to explain when I trigger instead of just walking away. I always believed I was a strong person and could handle problems myself, but this is different. I can't just bottle this up any longer when she does something that hurts me further.

Swat, she should be concentrating her efforts on helping herself first. Unless she does, sooner or later you'll find yourself back in the hurt locker because of something she did.

Keep cherishing the good moments as they come. I'm doing a little of that now myself.

yop

Addendum.. I'm not suggesting another A will happen, but some

bizarre behavior when a problem arises. That's why she's got to fix herself, whether through counseling, church, temporary use of meds until she's got her head on straight, etc.

You? You should concentrate of you and kids first.

I suspect it seems forever, but you haven't been in this too long yet.

Remember what others say about the roller coaster. The ride is still ongoing.

Swat,

Be careful. I lump OM in the same bunny boiler category as my XH's ow/NW. If it were her, she'd be pissed and looking for redemption at any cost.

Stay safe.

K

Be careful. I lump OM in the same bunny boiler category as my XH's ow/NW. If it were her, she'd be pissed and looking for redemption at any cost.

To add onto this, I would be concerned in general. This guy tried to start shit in public with a legal order in place. He showed up drunk at the OP's home and acted in an aggressive way. He has now been fired from his job. He sent a very calm email to the OP's wife. Way calmer to be expected after he had been locked up.

Just please be vigilant.

Also watch the alcohol. I did a few stupid things after I found out but those were my actions to own, nobody elses.

Swat

Happy Memorial Day!

Stop apologizing. You have no reason to. Vent here all you want.

Bigger laid it out for you.

Keep communicating at home Swat.

And no drinking.

Enjoy the day. I think your FIL is awesome by the way.

HM

going drinking and then unintentionally "falling asleep" = "passing out".

its okay to drink a bit every now and then. it can be even argued that get crap faced drunk after finding out your wifes been F'ing another man isnt the best of options but its a very easily understood one. i know ive been tempted and have drunk much more than normal since ive found out (although id still be considered a light drinker by most).

but going out drinking with the keys to your car, calling the house late to talk to the kids drunk after they have gone to bed for the night, and then going "dark" isnt a really wise set of moves.

much better to leave the keys, take a taxi or have a designated driver, tell your wife that you are going dark, and then ... go out. same basic effect , just handled a little different.

you need to be careful and protect yourself. dont get yourself into trouble while you are hurt.

on a side issue - why have a memorial day party at all? im a vet too, i get it. but ... is THIS really the best time? lots of people over (many who will know about the affair), you and the wife either ignoring each other/pretending all is okay/ or arguing, mixed in with lots of alcohol? seems a recipe for a disaster. i get you always have one. and? using that logic none of us would have ever graduated from using diapers and having our parents wipe our bottoms - its the way it always was at some point...

the whole party thing seems to be dangerous.

SWAT - Are you in IC? I have a guy IC and he's awesome. I tell him things that I would be ashamed to tell anyone else. He is an older gentleman with a lot of wisdom to give.

From my clinical/therapy background, I am going to tell you this:

Your drinking is a problem.

There are 5 stages of change:

Precontemplative

Contemplative

Preparation

Action

Maintenance

You sound like you are in the precontemplative stage of change when it comes to your alcohol use (AKA denial). Stop. Drinking. Now. You will read that and not register it based on where you are at in your change process; however, I think it cannot be said enough.

STOP DRINKING

Hey SWAT

Keep in mind that each and every person that takes the time to post on your situation does so because they care. Even the stoopid advice and even the tough messages… all come from care.

Look – I can fully understand your need to feel sad and sorry for yourself. Your need to unwind and your need to get away from the problems – even for a little while. No need to excuse yourself and no need to put on a red cape, a red speedo over your pants and become superman. What endears us to your story is precisely the fact you sound like a nice, all-around guy dealing with a boatload of problems thrust into your path. And all in all you are doing great.

But SWAT – if it was only you and WW then getting drunk and going away would be fine. But there are other stakeholders in your marriage and IMHO they need more action – a firmer path…

I’m going to go all over in this post so bear with me. Some of these things I’ve said before.

I firmly believe infidelity demands action.

I don’t agree with the extremely common advice offered here on SI to not take or make any life-altering decisions for the next six months after d-day. Well… What I really don’t agree with is when people take that to mean don’t take or make any decision at all.

Infidelity DEMANDS action. It demands that you decide to get out of infidelity. Not taking any action is akin to remaining in bed while your house burns down. However you really need to evaluate your decisions and the actions and IMHO it’s better to commit to things that aren’t irrevocable if you aren’t certain on what you want.

It’s OK to lie in that bed for a minute or two to decide your next steps, but after a certain time it’s not going to help you an iota.

Right now your WW seems committed to get out of infidelity… Now… Her commitment is at the moment the commitment of an alcoholic that has met his low and realizes he needs to get dry. That realization will only get her so far. If it gets her to some form of treatment then great, if it gets her to accept and learn from the treatment then even better. Who knows – MAYBE she’s getting out of infidelity. But maybe not… There is NO GUARRANTEE. Your wife could break her vows tomorrow… or after 3 years… with this OM… or another OM…

Heck – for all we know YOU could have an affair next month.

In a sense that’s not really the issue. You can’t base any decision on what she wants or what she’s doing. You base your decisions on what YOU want and what YOU can get.

IMHO you would be best off if you could decide whether you want to reconcile or not…

A great tool is to lay out your options and paint likely scenarios. To think what life will be like if you decide to R or if you decide to D. Both have benefits – both require immense sacrifices.

If you decide to divorce then 3-5 years from now you will be fine. You will probably be content with the decision and have moved on. Chances are you will be dating or even in a relationship. You and your then ex-wife will hopefully be over the anger a divorce more or less inevitably causes and have a good co-parenting schedule in place.

Financially you will be slightly worse off than today – having had to sacrifice either equity in the house/cars etc. or part of your pension fund in the division of assets. Plus you will still be paying for the cost of creating a new home.

Chances are your then ex-wife will be dating and/or in a relationship. Extremely unlikely to be the OM (infidelity based relationships seldom last). Chances are that you will be fine with her dating someone else – after all you will have emotionally detached from her.

Chances are that her then-partner will be great to your kids, just like you would hope whomever you have a relationship is great to them too.

Chances are that other than the kids you and your ex won’t interact too much. It won’t be daily calls, coffees and so on.

How can I foresee this: Simple; you probably know divorced people. How is their life? Yours will be comparable.

But what if you try to reconcile?

Well… First two years are the hardest.

It’s going to be extremely strange at first. A marriage with no trust and lots of pain, flashbacks and sorrow.

It will require MC, commitment, IC, changes in how you two interact, changes in priorities…

Somewhere along the two year line you start to grasp whether R is worth it or not.

If done properly and if you two manage to rekindle the love between you then a reconciled marriage is a great marriage. Yes – it will always have that crack or stain of the affair. Yes – there will always be days where you wonder… But TRUE reconciliation is so much more than simply dealing with the infidelity. It’s also opening communications and learning to set joint goals and aspirations.

But there is absolutely no guarantee…

Maybe when you open communications with your wife you realize she’s not the person you thought she was…

Maybe after xx months you realize her affair was too much…

Maybe she fails and breaks some condition you set for reconciliation…

There are no guarantees. Compared to D then R is a lot more unknown.

You do have the third option and that’s the path I fear you might be setting off on:

You could learn to live with WW without ever dealing completely with the infidelity.

Like right now she stays at her parents. Then you might allow her to come home. Then you two manage to coexist in the same room without it being too awkward. She hopefully cuts off all ties with OM. You two might even have sex every now and then, go on holidays and all that. On the outside you two look like an average couple but underneath you both carry intense resentment and anger…

Of the three options you have the last one is the ONLY ONE with no future…

OK – if you aren’t ready to decide between the three options then you take the decision that causes least permanent damage… And I could argue that would be to initiate reconciliation…

It’s OK to tell your wife that you would want to reconcile but you are;

not clear whether it’s possible,

how to go about it,

whether you can ever forgive her

that for now your wish to reconcile might only by driven by your fear of not reconciling

that for now the main reason for any will to reconcile is the kids

It’s OK to negotiate a temporary truce – that as long as she remains in accountable NC with OM then for the next 30 days you two will take the first steps to R. See how that goes.

You should definitely make it clear that this is a long-term process and things won’t be hunky-dory for a long time.

You should definitely make it clear to her that you fear the hurt of one more d-day and it’s that fear that’s driving you towards divorce.

SWAT – you mentioned some pages back that she’s looking into MC…

Why is she doing that?

What do YOU expect from a MC?

Friend – irrespective of whether R lasts 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years the MC can become the most important person in your life! This can be the person that helps you two save your family or the person that enables you to terminate this marriage in the best possible way.

YOU SELECT HIM!

Go find an MC with experience in infidelity. Preferable one that’s pro-marriage but definitely one that has experience in dealing with infidelity. These guys cost and they know that they have a client for 6+ months so don’t be afraid of shopping around. Phrases to avoid are “affairs tend to have an underlying reason in the marriage” and anything that places your WW decision to cheat on you. Chances are your department HR can refer to one experienced with the unique situation LEO families deal with.

SWAT – I worry about your kids…

Have you talked to their school? Are they aware what’s going on?

Have you made appointments with a professional?

Do they have any idea what’s going on?

Have you talked to WW about the kids and how this is affecting them?

I also worry about OM…

He’s totally lost it.

Now I wouldn’t shed a tear if he jumped off a bridge but I fear what happens next time he has a drink and decides to settle things with you or WW.

If she’s at FIL house with the kids then who is there to protect them?

SWAT – with a nut like that on the loose I would sleep with my Mossberg under my bed and a couple of rounds close-by…

Like I said SWAT – I will be all over the place.

It’s totally your call. I can understand your fear of commitment. Maybe you do have an option of letting your WW know you can’t commit to ANYTHING for the next 10-20-30 days but when push comes to shove it’s up to you.

Bigger, your post was to SWAT. It could have had my name in brackets. Thank you so much. Thank you for staying on the board and staying active. Your insight and painfully gathered experience and thoughts are life jackets to those of us thrashing and drowning.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 3:31 PM, May 26th (Monday)]