SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bigger:

I mostly agree with you but then again I Think your pro R shines through a bit in your last post.

I'm a bit different than you in my thinking and experiences so based on your post I'll change it upp a bit and post Another view.

I agree that there are 3 options for SWAT. The same options as you post.

Option 1 D:

In my experience I typically find that it doesn't take 3-5 years though in this case. Of cause all is relative but if you go the D route you kind of force yourself to detach fairly quickly and from my experience I do Think you are quite likely to be happy and at least dating in 1-2 years and if you are lucky in a relationship within the same time frame. This option is the Quick path to feeling good again. It is the easy path as well. I agree that you usually end up a bit worse of economically. At least unless your ex is a SAH and your new GF/W works. Then you should be better of.

Option 2 R:

Again I agrre that the first 2 years are worst. The second actually often worse thatn the first. However, it doesn't end there. The norm sais 3-5 years, quite a bit longer than the D route. You might nd up in a better relationship than you had Before but then again you could use your new found experiences to find a new relationship with Another partner and incorporate these things there and get an even greater relashionship that way. The thing is if you stay and R you will hopefully get a better relasionship than you had but you will forever be troubled by the betrayal. It will not be a constant thing but it will Always be under the Surface poping up for freash breath every now and then when your FWS does something or you a Movie triggers you or any other million things that can happen. The pain will lessen with time but it will be there for the rest of your Life.

Option 3 Limbo living:

Again I agree this is the worst case and also the least likely path to make you a happy person again. Don't ever go there!

I agree that infidellity demands action fairly quickly. I'm in favour of a different kind than Bigger is though. I would file for divorce and I will explain why:

1) This is the ultimate consequence of an affair.

2) If your WS is remorsefull and really wants a second chance this gives you the setup where your WS needs to Catch you again. In other wors your WS needs to Court you and work for it. This gives you time to look at actions and time for you to ake up your mind if you realy want a relasionship with your WS again.

3) If you divorce you are able to put in a pre nup if you ever M your WS again. If you don't M again you could still have a similar agreement put in Place that would protect you finacially in the future. Post nups are often overruled in Court.

4) A divorce takes quite a bit of time to get through and you can stop it anytime you want.

So to conclude. If you want to R I would still file for D, probarbly go through with it, and have your WS Court you again. I would explain that to the WS like this:

I can no longer be married to you. I might be interested in a new relasionship but can no longer stay in this M.

Well the party was a success. No major issues. There were a couple of times OM was mentioned and it hurt. WW did her best to reassure me when she noticed and to be honest it was nice.

After the party we did have a good conversation. I told her my conditions for what had to be done. I'm not going to be disrespected anymore. I have more worth than she had shown me. She agreed to everything and explained her plans to address her issues as well. We are going to have a sit down discussion every other day and there are guidelines for our talks. I did apologize to her for going dark that night. I was angry,hurt and frustrated. I was drinking heavily but it's not something I do often. While I was definitely feeling it I wasn't so drunk I couldn't take care of myself. I know I called after the kids bedtime but it was only about half an hour. So I didn't think that was a problem. I don't have a problem with alcohol and by the time I got to the lake I was sober. I walked almost 25 miles. It took me almost seven hours to get there. So I wasn't in any danger when I got there or getting there.

So today it doesn't feel like OM won.

So today it doesn't feel like OM won.

Like.

So today it doesn't feel like OM won.

Like.

Ditto!

Congrats. Sometimes the mundane and even the boring beat the hell out of extraordinary and exciting.

So today it doesn't feel like OM won.

Praying you have more of these days, SWAT.

That's great, brother. But remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. Remember what this feels like. It'll be a good resource for later.

So glad to hear you had a good day man.

Once again I'll disagree with a few others out there. No 2x4 this time though.

I actually wasn't really worried about your drinking. I don't know you, I don't know your relationship with alcohol. I wasn't really concerned about it. Others here are right though, if you continue to turn to it, you will have a problem if you don't already (again, I don't know you so I can't say you don't have a problem either.)

I was concerned with a bad decision. You are at such a vulnerable place right now. The emotional injury you have is real. As real as anything else. And as you are well aware the hurt is very very real.

For most of us (except for maybe psychologists), there is no training for this sort of pain. We get hit, usually blindsided, and then we choose to cope with it however we can.

So I have a point here. It is not clear to me if you are in IC or not. If not, it would most certainly behoove you to get a counselor. Without the guidance of a good C, you will -- eventually and most likely -- make some bad choices in dealing with your pain. Examples include: drinking to numb it out; trying to forget it and move past it too quickly; acting out in anger (ie: beating up / injuring OM; yelling at kids); etc... You have about as much a chance of navigating this by yourself as I would effectively backing you up in a drug raid. For the record, I wouldn't even know the name or caliber of the weapon I'm carrying. There's a (tiny) chance, but your odds are just so much better working with someone who has had the proper training.

Finally this. I so admire how you have handled this so far. Add another excellent decision to your resume and find a good counselor. At least for a few visits. You need one to help you work through your pain in a healthy way.

Oh and maybe one more thing: from what I've read you have dedicated your live to the service of others. You once stated being the victim made you uncomfortable. I'm sure it does. I wonder how superman would feel if he needed to ask for help? Talk about awkward for him. I digress. You have given so much to those around you. It's your turn to let the world help you for once. Its ok to be a victim here. Take any help you can get.

Edit::: I see you are in IC. It's a bunch of pages back, but its there. Let your IC know you are struggling with pain and how to deal with it if you haven't already.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 10:20 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]

Good to see your post today.

So today it doesn't feel like OM won.

Yeah, nobody wins. But, you can SURVIVE!

I'm glad you are feeling better today SWAT and I want to echo SaturnPatrick's advice. He was right on the money with that post.

Swat,

I have a hard time with her being "hurt" as well. She did this to us and it is hard for me to except. But way deep down I get my actions have hurt her as well.

What do you mean here? Asking you to bear some responsibility for her A? Hope I'm mis reading that.

I explained how I love her one minute and almost hate what she has done to me the next.

Totally normal. BTW totally acceptable for you to *hate* the actions. Even, for a while, the perpetrator. Don't linger there. It's up to you to forgive and when. It's tougher to do when you *hate* them.

Some here may disagree with my next thought but *oh well*. Have you read about the 180? My thought process tends to lead me down the path that suggests you may put everything into healing the M at the cost of *yourself*. I'm not suggesting implementing everything the 180 outlines, but there are aspects that will be critical to your healing. For example, what are you doing for just yourself? Have you taken up fly fishing? Don't lose you brother.

I'm actually glad that you guys are headed down the R path. At some point, I may have some suggestions for SoSorry as well.

Strength

5454..I meant some of my recent actions have been hurtful to her. There is no excuse for her affair. As for doing things for myself, yes I am. I've spent some money recently.

Got myself some new golf clubs. (Have not golfed in years) I also purchased some new toys (aka guns) and plan to start competition shooting again.

Yes I'm seeing a IC and she seems to be really good. I'm struggling a little though. It seems almost easy to spill mu guys here, but when that person is looking at you and can see I'm struggling is more difficult. I'm making a conscious effort to open up in therapy but it is difficult.

First day back to work and I'm bored out of my mind. I'm getting "orientation" which basically means I'm in the station reading reports. The LT went to get coffee so I've got some time to kill. I've been given a fairly experienced group to supervise but it is difficult. Some of the guys (six out of twenty) were friends with OM and aren't exactly friendly. I'm not really worried per se, but I'm expecting a rough go of it with some of them.

Yes I'm seeing a IC and she seems to be really good. I'm struggling a little though. It seems almost easy to spill mu guys here, but when that person is looking at you and can see I'm struggling is more difficult. I'm making a conscious effort to open up in therapy but it is difficult.

Remember to be proud of yourself for this. It's not a weakness... it's common for most people not to divulge their innermost feelings to others, especially "strangers." You have come a long way and are doing a fantastic job.

I'm not really worried per se, but I'm expecting a rough go of it with some of them.

What a perfect group to vent some of your frustration too!

I'm thinking the same as happy. Also watch your back with them. I don't trust OM to try something.

K

I agree completely with TOMTEFAR..

I didn't realize that post nups were often over ruled...

But I agree, a WS seeing to it that his or her BS is protected financially and legally, in the aftermath of infidelity, can take some of the sting out of a decision to R for the BS..

R wouldn't be a good one if one or both partners felt that all of the love and respect for each other evaporated but due to finances they were stuck with each other...

One on one therapy felt strange.. Don't get me wrong, it helped me... But with that said, I was not used to having another person be COMPLETELY and INTENTLY focused on EVERYTHING I was saying to him or her during my monologue..

It helps to make a list between sessions of what you want to discuss in the upcoming session...

There has been mention of a post nup and actually divorcing and remarrying with prenup. When WW signed off on my pension and spousal support I asked my lawyer if it was legal and binding. She assured me it was. Due to the division of property being very much in her favor due to our house actually belonging to her before we were married. It was her grandparents house and it was left to her when they passed away. FIL wouldn't let her sell it saying she may need it some day. WW also got a sizeable inheritance when they passed away. To this day she has not touched it because it was suppossed to be for us after my retirement. The house has at least tripled in value with all of the work I've had done. The furnishings and gifts I've given over the years and there are three vehicles she could sell. It would be more than enough for her to live on with out my support. I would be leaving with my personal property, my truck and firearms. So while she has been less than stellar I'm sure she at least meant that. While I would always take care of my kids she is more than capable of caring for herself financially. When this all started I went to my in laws and we talked a lot about this. Lets be honest while it isn't the only reason,finances are a big reason people do try to "fix" what happened. It's not right but those of you that have been here a long time have seen it time and time again. It seems like more than half of the threads here mention how hard leaving or separating will be financially. The divorce forum is loaded to I'm sure. The fact they assured me they wouldn't let her rake me over the coals helped in the beginning.

Hind sight that made me more willing to give her a second chance in the beginning. I love her so much but knowing what she had done and the fear of losing everything I have worked for was crippling. For the first time in my life I had thoughts of just killing myself. I didn't want to suffer anymore and growing up my mother and I struggled with having so little money. For a brief time I just wanted to die and not have to worry about things anymore. Thankfully those thoughts are long gone and I'm really in a good place with how my life would be if we were to divorce. Things can be replaced and I can always make more money. Hell if she took me to the cleaners in a divorce I would be alright. I would just keep doing what I've done my whole life, keep on keeping on.

Wow. That was a lot longer than I intended. Sorry about that.

I wanted to talk about the six guys that are friends with OM. While I expect some talking behind my back and general pain in the assness. They are just like him, they are cowards. By no means am I trying to offend anyone with what I'm about to say. I've served in the army and been a police officer my entire adult life. There are honorable and hard working people there and in every walk of life. There are good and bad people everywhere. These guys are divorced or getting divorced they are always drinking and checking out the new crop of badge bunnies. They come to work and collect a paycheck and do the least amount of work to earn it. They are the type to whine and cry to the union when they get punished for slacking off or doing something wrong. The fact we wear the same uniform and badge actually makes me sad.

I KNOW they will say things and spread rumors, but none of them have the spine to actually do anything. They are all worried about their own skin and keeping their job so they can get a pension. Words can hurt we all know that. But their words mean nothing to me and I just have to compare how they live their lives to how I try to live mine. I've seen it already. The six sitting together in the back of the roll call room looking tired, shirts not buttoned or dirty and everyone else looking sharp and ready to go. Going out of their way to greet me. If my WW never had her affair would I still think that about them, you bet I would. Would it warrant me even mentioning it to a bunch of strangers on a Internet forum, not a chance in hell. Just another little gift of infidelity.

I think it's time you develop a sense of humor about them. Might as well, this stupid infidelity funhouse ride doesn't get any easier anyway.

From what you describe of them, I can almost picture them, and I have to admit I shook my head and chuckled out loud. The image of these buffoons sitting around disheaveled and sighing like a bunch of little pansies waving their hankies. Sitting around in their little clique like a cafeteria scene from the Mean Girls movie.