SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So many have already listed what I would have posted, so I think the only thing I would add to the lists is:

It took away my love for him.

In the beginning it took away my self-respect, my dignity, my ability to trust anything I thought was true, my self-esteem. Those things are coming back - turns out that even after all this I am a pretty good person!

The things it took and are no where near coming back are my trust in my husband, my trust in friendships, respect for my husband, belief that love and marriage are good things, belief that someone has my back in this life, belief that I have a partner in navigating this life.

I would do anything to be able to go back and believe in all this again. I know with all the work we are doing in trying to R that some will come back, but I am scared knowing it will never be the same. I will not be able to give myself completely again.

So very much

- my self esteem

- the belief that we were true partners

- the ability to say "he would never do that"

- my confidence in myself and in life

- to be proud of his achievements as they tie so closely to her and the affair

- the ability to trust people

- my naivety

- my belief that our marriage was sacred

- my home - she is from my home state where my family all are, and the EA and PA were carried on in our new state. We sold our last house - she had come there - even helped us paint our home. Now this new house we are living in is full of memories of hurt

- the feeling that he was the one person that would truly never hurt me and that I was so very special to him

- to be able to have a day where I feel truly happy for the whole day

- to be able to agree when people tell me what a wonderful man I married

- myself in some ways. The fact that I always saw the good in people. That I was caring and would do everything I could to help people and support them - especially him - to achieve their dreams. The only place that got me was handing him the opportunity to have an affair

So very much more I think, but I hope that one day the positives will outweigh the negatives. As terrible as it is, this almost had to happen I think to shake him out of his mindset of invincibility and being untouchable, getting caught up in his own bullshit and other peoples praise. If we can come out of this stronger, it will one day, probably, be worth the hurt. Right now though the hurt is too overwhelming still to be able to see the other side clearly

It's easier to say what it left:

A shell of a person

A paranoid, insecure person

A person that no longer believes in love outside of parent/child

A person that feels foolish for ever believing at all.

[This message edited by Ephimera at 4:24 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]

h o p e

Unconditional Blind Love & Trust

But, it also gave me a Strength I didn't know I possessed.

trust

belief that we were special

feeling home is safe

my dignity

acting with moral clarity

self confidence

sleep

my emotional calm

and replaced it with

"accepting" her wrong behavior

seeing my wife as badly broken

mind movies and triggers

fear

nightmares and or insomnia

anger

return of post combat ptsd

a wife i can never be 100% sure of

never knowing what was real vs illusion/lie

both lists go on and on

I lost my marbles for awhile. I really did. I became unreliable and scattered.

It took away my ability to always believe the BEST about everyone.

It took away my belief that someone I love would not hurt me or my kids.

It took away a sense of innocence that only BAD people are capable of doing something like this...the truth is, now that I understand how it could happen, I see how easily it could happen to a lot of people. There is a reason why people say they can't believe they did what they did.

And as others have mentioned, it took away my ability to trust with no reservations.

I am 4 1/2 years out from Dday. So I will post as honestly as I can from where I am at now.

What his infidelity took away:

- the love I had for my husband, I hardly like him most days

- the naive little girl I once was

- the idea that someone else loved me as much as I loved them

- the idea that having a great marriage would prevent an affair

- the belief that someone I completely trusted would never put a knife in my back

- sleep-though much improved, I still struggle with insomnia

- my confidence in my physical beauty

- trusting people; my ability/desire to make friends; I just don't trust people anymore

- my clean language- I didn't curse for probably 17 years until this happened; it comes from anger and resentment

- the notion that forgiving someone takes away the hurt

- the notion that forgiving meant forgetting- I haven't forgotten

- TIME TIME TIME- I was pregnant when I had my Dday- so many precious moments and time have been lost in the fog, shock, and pain and I resent him the most for this.

- the feeling of being normal

- having a marriage and husband I was proud of

- being married to someone who has been faithful- I will never be able to say, "he was always faithful to me."

-I have not been able to be content yet

What I got:

- Self-respect for surviving and for trying to stay

- I speak my mind and don't let people walk all over me

- I will do anything, including die to protect my kids

- I got and am still in the best shape of my life!

- I'm not afraid of anything or anyone now. I may not trust people but I'm not afraid to tell them to go to hell or confront them for dishonesty/lying

- I don't care about what other people think about how I live my life.

- I don't give a crap if my in-laws aren't on my side

- I don't waste my time on people that I know are sexually immoral or people who just set off some sort of "red flag". I trust my gut now and run like hell when I get that signal that something is not right about someone.

- I don't like to waste my time

- I rest when I need it

- I eat and drink healthy

- I got 2 dogs

- I know I will be ok if my husband dies or is out of the picture

- I love when my husband goes out of town now!

Ok. I think i'm done :)

I'm going to start by quoting Gandhi. “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”

That being said, most of us gave permission to NOT be hurt. We all chose to trust our spouses and were betrayed. Along the way, I lost a lot. Mostly things a gave up and I could have controlled.

I GAVE UP:

dignity

self respect

control of my actions

sanity

trust

safety

patience

understanding

pride

power

self esteem

security

What I actually lost:

illusion of a happy marriage

a person who wasn't good to me

trust in WW

my children for half of the year

$630 a month

my kitchen table

a couch I wanted to set on fire

My best friend

My adoration of him

My affection for him

My desire to make him happy

My sense of security

My confidence in myself

My confidence in my attractiveness

My desire for adventure

My ability to seek pleasure

My sexual confidence

The last 1 1/2 years of my life

My delight in my children

My motivation, ambition

It took away 6 years of my life. All the gifts he gave me, the Bed & Breakfasts where we spent our anniversaries, the family vacations, the long car rides where we talked and listened quietly to music, the smiles he gave me before taking me into his arms - ALL LIES! I want to wash those years out of my life. All the memories are trash and mean nothing. He was with her - either texting her daily (by his own admission) or falling passionately into her arms when they managed to see each other face-to-face (the opportunities for which became more insidious as time went on). Every time I took one of our sons to visit family or to visit a college or go to a sports camp, he made plans to rush off and be with her - like he was simply biding his time with me - like everything with me was just an act or a facade, something he "put up with" until he could get away and be with the one he REALLY wanted to be with. For 6 years this was what was brewing under the surface of what I thought was a marriage...

My security, my self esteem.... Like a previous poster said, the ability to say "he'd never do that to me".

THIS^^^^

I said to my H (after the numbness of Dday somewhat wore off) "of all our problems I never thought cheating would be one of them"