SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

3 weeks ago my wife went to visit 2 of my kids staying with there grandma (mother-in-law) in Asia. About a week ago I got an e-mail message from my sister-in-law, in it are screenshots of Facebook private chat between my wife & brother. In that conversation my wife was telling my brother to drop by in her room in my brother's house where she was staying while also visiting my parents in Asia. It was also on the day of my birthday. There are also naked pictures of my wife in that Facebook private chat conversation.

Unable to wait, I talked with my wife about the affair on the phone while she was on a flight back home & she finally admitted. It started with a Facebook private chatting, first about sort of things then turned salacious. As months progressed, naked picture exchanges became common. My brother (a physician) came to visit us last October while attending a medical convention here in the states. At that time the relationship turned sexual. It happened first in a hotel where my brother stayed.

I was made to look like a fool on the whole affair. One time I took both of them to watch an NBA game only to know that they just had sex few hours before I took them to the game when I was not around. I was so devastated of the affair. Can't believed that my wife of 18 years will do this to me. She begged for my forgiveness, telling me that she still love me & that the affair was just mainly out of lust. She told me repeatedly that she doesn't love my brother.

With the affair exposed, my entire family clan knows about it (except my parents). Because of this I decided not to have anymore contacts with them & disowned my brother. Called my wife so many names out of anger & even humiliated her not knowing that my eldest daughter (15 y.o.) heard about it & told me - "I know that what mom did was wrong but you should not be treating her this way".

It's been more than a week since I've learned about the affair. Still being haunted by the thoughts of my brother having sex with my wife. My wife made it clear that she won't cheat on me again. Told me that she will support me if I decided to leave her, even telling me that she won't ask for child support for our 4 kids. We make love everyday. She told me that I can make love with her anytime & that she'll do whatever it takes to make me happy.

Sex seems to be the only thing that keeping us together. At 42, my wife still looks hot but my love of her is not that strong anymore. Told her that if opportunity arises, I'll leave her for another woman. She told me she will support me & that she will not going to have anymore relationship with other men even if I'm not around on her life anymore. She goes further to say that as long as I'm single I can come & visit to have sex with her.

Should I forgive her? How do I forget this thing with her & my brother always on the back of my mind? I asked my wife to arrange for me to see a psychiatrist because of my anger, anxiety, etc. brought about by the affair. She also scheduled for me to see a therapist & a hypnotist. Told her that she also needs some counselling but she refused.

[This message edited by angrynhurt71 at 3:03 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]

Forgiving your wife is up to you. There are a lot of people here who have it in their hearts to forgive betrayals like these and have done so. It is astounding to me. I don't think I'd forgive my husband or my sister for that type of betrayal. It would be too much for me. It's the height of disrespect from two people who mean too much to me and I would hope I'd mean enough to them for them to think twice.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:39 PM, May 11th (Sunday)]

oh my goodness, angrynhurt71, I can feel your angst in every line of your post. I am so very sorry this has happened to you. You are traumatized. It is esp. difficult bc it is a double betrayal - not just a friend but your own brother. I can't imagine!

SHOULD you forgive your wife? You are still in shock. The only thing you need to do right now is take care of you. Of course you are angry, hurt, enraged. Of course you see images (mind movies). And I am sorry that your daughter heard you say some terrible things to your wife but your reaction is totally normal given the circumstances. Still...I would do whatever possible to make sure this does not happen again. Try to keep the kids away from the fighting.

She goes further to say that as long as I'm single I can come & visit to have sex with her.

It is interesting to me that your wife is offering you sex as if this will make up for everything. As if this is the most valuable thing. And maybe it is to her. Maybe she is a sex addict (SA).

You know infidelity is not so much about love but about being able to slide across boundaries which I suspect your wife has been doing in other areas of her life for a long time now.

Your wife needs IC. You need IC to discuss your pain with a skilled therapist. Do not try to do this solo.

Let your wife know that you expect her to get into therapy ASAP. Until she starts showing remorse - showing - not just telling you - then you cannot trust that she will do as she says.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Take some deep breaths. Eat when you can. Hydrate yourself with plenty of water. Get some exercise to relieve the stress you are feeling.

Others will be along with some wonderful advice and suggestions.

angrynhurt

Sorry you have found your way to this club. I've only been here a couple of weeks myself. But just wanted to say you are not alone.

There are a lot of people here with experiences to share and lots of REALLY GOOD advice. I'm sure they will be along soon.

Sounds like quite a lot to swallow. A double betrayal adds additional pain and suffering. I was betrayed by my wife and a best friend at one point and it hurts like hell. I can't imagine what it would be like with your brother.

I don't have much advice for you but take it one day at a time. It's going to be a long hard ride. Forgiveness is for you and you alone. There is not right or wrong and nothing says you have to forgive. I haven't found it in me to forgive my wife for her transgressions and probably never will but that doesn't mean that we cannot reconcile. You don't have to make any choices right now about staying, leaving, or forgiving. Getting up and facing another day is tough enough on its own since it is so raw.

Wow....sorry brother. There is alot to digest here. Here are my thoughts:

1) You r in no position to fully understand which direction you want to go. Your betrayal is intense with your brother involved.

2) Child Support: Not much choice...you will pay (court kinda doesn;t care about your arrangements just the kids)

3) Your wife plea bargaining is just desperation to rugsweep this issue and make the guilt stop. If you seperate or file for D those will evaporate fast.

4) You goota seek IC for both and MC and even then who knows you;ll have to wait and decide.

Sex is irrelevant...you can get sex as easy as pumping gas nowadays. I wouldn;t even make that part of your thinking.

I know you say your wife is physically attractive (so is mine) but as this settles in she won;t be looking too great.

BIGGEST ADVISE: Protect your kids the best you can from this shit storm....It will be so hard but u have to keep your wits when they are around.

Angrynhurt, like so many others, Justinpain speaks from recent experience which is a totally different experience from me. And you are both men. You can also go to the I Can Relate forum and read from men who have been betrayed. Best wishes to you.

t/j (thread jack) Wow, Justinpain! I am so impressed! You have come so far. I just posted about Resilience today and you definitely have it within.

Thanks LA44. It has been a painful 4.5 months but with the help of the Lord, many friends and counseling (books and IC) I am stronger than ever. Even hopeful about the future. SI has been a blessing to me.

I do have trevail as I read new posters though. To see people starting the journey I am farther down is heartbreaking.

Definitely protect yourself, and that includes a full STD screening and using condoms when having sex with your wife. Unfortunately, at this point you cannot trust that your WW used protection nor that your brother is the only man she's cheated with.

It is so sad, but from reading your post, it sounds like your WW equates sex with love. She's promising to give you all the sex you want, but what about trust and fidelity? You both definitely need IC.

Whatever you decide to do, Divorce or Reconcile, you have a long hard road ahead of you. Good luck.

I want to tell you now that over the next few months your emotions will be all over the place.

Please get into counseling immediately. You have been traumatized.

Remember this above all else... the love you have for your children must be stronger than the hate for your wife and brother. YOU deserve to live to see them grow up. YOU will be the strong person in their lives. Do not do anything to hurt your wife or your brother where you would end up in jail not seeing your children grow up. I held onto this thought for almost a year while my head was spinning.

keep posting here,,,we care.

While hypnotherapy can be a good tool for overcoming things in life (smoking for example) I do not think this is he right time to be using it.

You need to process this and heal from it....

Sex is great.. And your no doubt having the time of your life while WW tries to "prove" her love for you.... But doesn't change the fact of what led you here....

Work out exactly what YOU want from the relationship moving forward.. Be it R or D... Work out what you need from her (and your brother) to facilitate this.

Good luck.. Keep posting. There are many here who have walked your path

If your WW is refusing to go to counseling, then your future with her is bleak. Forget about worrying about *forgiving* your WW right now. True forgiveness is way down the road -- you have to get through the shitstorm first.

You told your WW to schedule appointments with an IC and a hynotist for you. Why? Schedule your own appointment with an IC and what the hell do you need a hypnotist for?

Dude, once you start processing this betrayal it is going to suck donkey balls because it is pretty major in the double betrayal realm.

Considering the fact that she was *all too willing* to schedule you into therapy while refusing to engage in therapy herself indicates that you are going to have an uphill battle here. It shows that she wants you to fix *you* and that there's nothing 'wrong' with her...... Newsflash. Healthy and safe people do not have affairs with the siblings of their spouse.

Start shopping for the latest version of the man-styled bitch-boot. If her attitude doesn't change soon, you're going to need it.

Homewreck hits a great point: Don;t let the hate for your WW exceed the love for your kids.

That's good advise.

i'm so sorry ..... you must be experiencing intense pain and anger right now as this involves your brother as well as your wife. Betrayed by 2 people you love! How can your own brother betray you like that? I'm so angry at him. Has he apologized at all? not only you lost what you had with your wife, but you also lost the relationship you had with your brother, and having your daughter already understanding what's going on. You must be feeling a whole mess of emotions right now. I know when i was in that state people tell me to calm down, and i'm like : how can I? And you just found out! This discovery must be devastatingly shattering to you... While your mind is still in this state, i think the best thing to do is to seek help from a therapist with experience in infidelity, and yes, you should not make any decisions at this time since your thinking might be clouded with emotions. Please also be careful when you're driving.

Gonnabe is right on point.

This--

She told me that I can make love with her anytime & that she'll do whatever it takes to make me happy.

does not equate with this--

Told her that she also needs some counselling but she refused.

You understand that her words mean nothing, right? She has shown her ability to lie and deceive.

You both need help, but you both need to do it on your own, and for the right reasons. Don't have her make appointments---do these yourself. I know that you hurt like hell, but the best way for you to start the recovery process, is to take back control of your life. That starts with the understanding that your WW is not going to heal you----it is your job to do that.

As for her, she has MOUNTAINS of work in front of her, to even be considered a potentially safe partner again in the future. Look at her actions, and what do they say? From here, it looks like a person that has no idea how badly she blew up the marriage. And if she doesn't wake up, then the two of you don't have a chance.

Forgiveness is earned. That is a topic that need not be addressed for quite some time. Right now, it is (1) take care of yourself and your children, and (2) watch what your WW does in the way of discovering...and resolving...her deep issues.