SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So Sorry,

We're glad you're still here. It takes guts to own up to what you have done, and to keep reading "harsh" comments - but your staying is a good start.

Don't get me wrong (2x4 coming) - you have a LONG way to go. This is not an easy road - but if you truly want to fix you and possibly your M, it's worth it.

Here's the thing though (and I can say this because I am 2+ years out and STILL doing it)....

You're looking for validation here. You keep talking about how you will do what we say, follow advice, etc., and that's a good start - but you need to start thinking for yourself too, and working on yourself, by yourself. I don't mean that to be "without IC", or anything, but none of us know you. We don't know your history other than what you have shared, and you have been a self-confessed liar, so we have to take what you say at face value and with a grain of salt.

Don't get me wrong - I am SO glad you are still here and taking the advice. People MUCH wiser than I are here and providing great suggestions, and although it may seem harsh at times, constructive feedback.

Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry you have to ensure the pain of your child or children saying "you made daddy go away" and crying. My kids and 4 and 5, and if I had to hear that, it would break my heart too, but it's remarkable how something so honest from a kid's mouth can really snap you back to reality to face your actions.

I think you're finally starting to see the impact of what you've done. That's good. It's hard, but good. You need to FEEL that pain you've caused and let it sync in.

Then you need to get up and move it aside and be better. Not better - Best. You need to be the BEST you you possibly can - both for your H and your children, now more than ever.

Regardless how your M turns out, your children need their mother and father. YOU have to show them you're still there for them.

Finally - I agree with Tired Girl. Losing weight, getting fit, etc., is good, but not the answer. If you don't feel your IC is helping, switch (only you can make that decision though). This is too important to leave to chance, or to worry about "hurting her feelings over leaving". No one's feelings should matter now except your husbands, kids, and yours.

Do your work - continue owning your shit.

You *SEEM* like you've been snapped back to the right path. Stay on it.

When in doubt:

"I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

Can you think of anything else he may need? Anything else I can do without him having to ask?

Finish your timeline

If your phone has tracking (Find my iphone etc.)

Turn it on

Most everything else depends on your behavior

True remorse

Empathy

You have a lot of work to do. Stay the course

You have your priorities mixed up right now. So did I in the beginning. Right now yours are:

1. Get my husband back and have him reassure me that he still loves me.

2. Fix my shit.

They need to be reversed.

1. Fix my shit

2. Get my husband back.

Because usually when you start fixing your shit and prove yourself a safe person to be around your spouse is more apt to want to be there. Don't worry, took me nearly a year to get to that point. I needed reassurance that my H wasn't going anywhere either. He couldn't really tell me that, so I was left with fixing my shit.

Your choice, but the longer you focus on him and getting him to reassure you and validate you, the more time you waste.

the longer you focus on him and getting him to reassure you and validate you, the more time you waste.

THIS! Not to mention, you are once again making him responsible for how you feel about yourself. He's not responsible for your happiness, you are.

There is no quick fix to this. I know that's what you're seeking, but know that it's not realistic. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You are not going to get SWAT back in your current state. You're basically asking him to get back in shark infested waters, reassuring him that it's safe, knowing full well it's still full of sharks. You're not safe to him and you won't be until you get your shit together.

Finish your timeline

If your phone has tracking (Find my iphone etc.)

Turn it on

Most everything else depends on your behavior

True remorse

Empathy

You have a lot of work to do. Stay the course

This.

And with the FULL realization that there is NO time frame for him to get past this. NONE. Not a month from now, not a year from now. Maybe not even 5 years from now. Once you lie and he catches you, the clock is reset right back to square one and you start ALL over again with rebuilding the trust.

Become transparent. Become trustworthy by your actions. Stay the course and learn how to like yourself again. STICK with IC. I was in IC for a few years before I felt healthy again.

WS ONly

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:20 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]

I am really scared right now. About three hours ago I heard a lot of noise outside and the motion lights came on. There was someone banging on the back door so I got my kids into the bedroom with me and I called 911. The officers got here pretty quick and they found OM on our back deck. OM was very drunk and saying I dropped the PO and I had called him over. Thankfully the officers did not believe him and arrested him. I called my parents and they came over. They got here while the police were still here. I can not believe I brought this onto my family, I'm sick right now. My dad was so angry, I though he was going to hurt someone or have a heart attack. I have never seen him that angry before.

I do not know what to do now. Do I try to call BH or let my parents do it. I am sure he would want to know.

Tell your parents to call SWAT, he should know but let them talk to him. If SWAT wants to talk to you about it, he will call.

Is there a possibility that your meeting with OM has invalidated the PO? The OM can prove in emails that you arranged to meet him so it might not be effective. Ask your parents to talk to SWAT about it and what your options are at the moment.

Keep yourself and the kids safe. Sending strength.

Thank you. I will have them call him. The PO is still good. The officers work with SWAT and know what is going on. They explained to me that even if I had invited him over or contacted him, he is still required to follow the order. Since I am the protected party I can't violate the order. I can not believe I have made such a mess of things.

That must've been terrifying for you and the children.

They explained to me that even if I had invited him over or contacted him, he is still required to follow the order

Be that as it may, AP has written proof that you agreed to meet with him last week, and an eyewitness, the bartender who knows you. Maybe it make no difference, but what if it ends up protecting him, even a little? Makes the difference between AP getting fired or convicted...or not?

I can not believe I have made such a mess of things.

What you're learning, the hard way, is that it's often not the initial betrayal that hurts our BP the most. It's the lies and deception afterward.

Soon I hope you'll start using language that indicates your responsibility and ownership of this situation you created. Do any of us WP consider that our actions may have terrible consequences? Of course not! But one of the first steps to healing is to admit you made a choice, not a mistake.

20wrongs. Your 100% right. I made some bad choices and now my family is paying a very heavy price. They did not ask for this.

I know my poor decisions have consequences and I have to live with them, good or bad. I'm not sure what will happen exactly when OM goes to court. I am ashamed that SWAT and my kids are paying such a heavy price for my actions. The officers said that they did not need any statements to arrest OM since they found him on the property. They were very kind to me even knowing what I did.

My parents did tell SWAT and he called me a while ago. He just asked if we were alright and he was very stand offish, which hurts. I understand why and can respect it, but it still hurts. SWAT talked to my dad and me and the kids will be staying with them for awhile. Swat did say he would be coming home soon. I hope we can talk in person then.

Glad you and the kids are safe.

So Sorry,

I'm late to this thread but I have been following with some anxiety because I see quite a bit of my own distorted thinking in your posts. I feel your pain and anxiety and a LOT of fear. Your affair may be the worst thing you will ever do in your life (we can hope), but coming here and to IC and focusing on yourself can save your life and save your children a lot of pain now and in the future. I know your focus right now is on saving your marriage and desperately wanting to feel that your connection with SWAT has not been severed permanently. You say you love him but I think you will find if you do the work and start to heal you don't really understand love at this point. But you can and it will shock you when you get there.

I'm not saying you don't love him, just that your dysfunction gets in the way of fully loving.

One thing I know is you will not be able to do the work needed until you let go of the outcome and start to focus on you and the work you need to do. It is absolutely true that you will have to be able to lose you M to save it.

I had to get to the point where I realized that I loved Knight enough that if what he needed was D that I would support him in that and give him whatever he needed to heal. I was willing to support his healing during and after the D process however I could if D was what he needed. I knew that I HAD to get myself healthy for myself and my kids no matter what happened with my M. I knew that I didn't have the tools to live and coparent my kids as a single parent and a healthy, happy woman. I needed other people to validate and define me. I was an empty shell.

Swat closed you out and decided to go to DC without you. You couldn't get a reflection of yourself from him so you decided to meet with OM "to protect SWAT"? No. You needed a fix. You didn't share loving memories of the A when you met with OM. You didn't tell him how much he meant to you. But you were able to see that he wanted you. You meant something to him and that gave you the validation fix you needed.

Your posts are still very much about SWAT or saving your M. You have to shift the focus on to you for you to survive and then for your M to survive. You have to survive this either way. And that has to matter to you. You have to be able to visualize yourself as a happy, healthy single woman with NO RELATIONSHIP at all to be able to get where you need to be. I don't mean that has to become your reality. You have to be OK with you. You have to see yourself as happy and worthy alone even if you stay married.

The sex for validation thing…I had sex with them so they would like me...

Did you feel powerful? Think about everything you got from this.

Really look at your communications with others. With SWAT, your family, the LEO spouses…. All of your communications. Even your posts. Read back through them and think about if there was any component of "what will SWAT think if he reads this?" You have some stuff to realize yet. Do you manipulate people? Maybe without even being fully aware you are doing it? Do you subtly put yourself in the victim role? Shift a bit of the blame here and there?

This is stuff I have to continue to look at in myself. I am constantly examining my motivations now. And I need a LOT more work.

Start journaling. A lot. Think about your childhood and start writing out significant events to you. These will be things to discuss with your IC.

I really hope the very best for you. I know you can do this. You can be ok.

I'm a mess right now. The kids are right outside with "grampy" and I can not take my eyes off them. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do, but I sent the two to school. I was in a panic all day until they got off the bus. I haven't told them we are staying with my parents yet.

They are playing with their cousins and seem to be alright. My daughter being the oldest really knows something is wrong. OM was present a lot in our lives and she has asked why he is "mad" at us. I know I am going to have to tell them something.

I am sitting in my parents house looking out at a very nice scene. My parents, brother, sister in law and all the kids. When I go outside it is like a dark cloud has formed overhead. The adults stop smiling and laughing as much and to me it seems the kids even act different.

I understand this is a result of my actions and I have to live with the consequences. I'm not sad as much as I'm angry with myself.

I also realized that what happened last night very well could be the last nail in the coffin. I know my husband and SWAT is not going to take this. He is going to fight and it is not going to be pretty. He is going to declare war in OM and likely me. I can't blame him either. He will love the kids and take care of everything. (It is just how he is. ) And by no means is that a dig against him, he is just a really good guy. Way deep down I know he will even take care of me. His needs will be last on his list and until recently that would have been fine. I have read a lot of your stories and I admire your strength and determination. When SWAT left last week he had signed the divorce papers and in his note said "Just sign them" but with a little more "colorful language" as he would say.

If that is what he wants I guess that is what he will get. I've done enough to him and he deserves to be happy. I'll still do everything I can to fix me and hopefully we will be able to co exist for the kids. I've realized that I have disappointed and hurt my family and most of all SWAT. I will never be able to fix the past but I can work my tail off for a better future for me and my children.

Bbq time. I'm sure I will be back later. I need to talk to someone.

Maybe this is a total t/j (that means thread-jack, or departure from the topic) but you need a little hope right now and I'd like to offer you some by sharing my background. Hope you don't mind.

I joined SI just over a year ago, and like I said, I was the run-away gold medalist for Queen Delusional Bitch Wayward. In recent months, members have PM'd me to say how impressed they are with my progress. When BS cite examples of remorseful WS, they often mention me.

Please know I'm not bragging. I am floored, and humbled, every time that stuff happens. I'm like me, are you sure? Because I remember very fucking well, how *bad* I was, and it wasn't very long ago.

My point is, you can change. You can heal. It's hard, and you will stumble, you will screw up, you will experience highs and lows you cannot imagine. But you. Can do this.

You can't fix your M or SWAT, though. One of the first steps in healing is letting that go. Committing to fundamental change regardless of the outcome of your M.

You've been hearing some recurring themes, here, and I hope you'll take them to heart. There are no quick fixes. You have a lifetime of maladaptive coping mechanisms to overcome. It's likely that you won't even *begin* to "get it" for about 6 months. And guaranteed, if SWAT stays (hell, even it he doesn't), it'll take him 12-18-36 months to *begin* to "get over it."

Heal yourself. Love your children. Learn to stand on your own two feet. This is not the end. It's a new beginning.

Well he is home. I mean our home and I am at my parents. He drove up from DC and I had no idea he was coming home. The kids went crazy when they saw him. I walked up to him and tried to touch him. He pulled away and the look in his eyes just about killed me. He looked so sad and angry at the same time. For the first time since I meet him, I could tell he did not even like me.

He asked me if we were all right and when I said yes, he walked over and started playing with the kids. He looked good but there was something different about him and I could not figure it out until a couple of minutes ago. He just looked tired and defeated and I have never seen him that way.

He stayed at my parents until the kids went to bed. He left and went home. He said we would talk soon and I think it is the end.

I can not believe I have done this. This is not me, I always hated cheaters. But yet here I am and with no one to blame but myself.

((Sosorry))

Glad SWAT is home safe.

Life is going to be a whirlwind for a long time so hang on.

Don't forget the great advice you have been given here. There is lots of work to do, not just on your M but on you too.

SWAT has so many emotions running through himself and its going to take a long time to work through them. He won't be so quick to accept you right now because he got burned last time he did that.

Give him space while you work on yourself. Remember, your doing this for YOU.

Sending you strength

[This message edited by SandAway at 6:04 AM, May 16th (Friday)]