SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now is the time that you find that inner strength for you, and for your family. You have relied on him for a long time. It is going to be your turn to carry the load for quite awhile.

The role of the WS is not an easy one. You will have to figure out if you have the strength to do it now.

We are here to support you when you need it.

I want to apologize up front because this post is going to go on forever.

So we talked for a long time this morning. SWAT basically said for now he is done with our marriage. He did not say we were divorcing, but he said he was not sure he wanted to stay married and he needed time to think. He is on vacation until the night shift (11 pm) on Memorial day and asked that I spend most of my time with my parents until then. He said I would have the be home by then. He did ask some questions about what happened the other night and what had lead up to it. I told him the truth and that I had no idea what caused OM to come over and act that way. There was no warning. Then the interrogation began, question after question over and over. He asked a lot of questions about the affair and what OM and I said in our emails and texts. He also asked a ton of questions about our face to face interactions. For the first time that I can recall he asked for specific details of what I did with OM.

He did not seem angry or even sad. It is hard to describe it...I guess he appeared resigned to the situation. I answered ever question honestly as best I could remember, some things where a little foggy since I had been drinking. That got his back up a little. He then started quoting my texts and emails and asking "Do you remember doing that, saying that, telling him that?" I was honest and answered everything and some of it I did remember and others I didn't. Some of the stuff I said and wrote was pretty vile and outright lies. I let OM talk about getting me pregnant and tricking SWAT, about leaving him and taking his money and how he would have to work to support "us" when I divorced SWAT. The shit was utter garbage and hurtful. Did we say it, oh yeah. Did I ever mean a single word of it? God no, but I said and wrote them and there is no taking them back.

That is when he handed me a letter that said, "And SoSorry, that is why I can't trust you. You have said so many things you didn't mean. You lied about me and our marriage, you lied to our kids and your family. You even lied to OM. I forgave you and wanted to make this work. I only asked for a few things and you couldn't do it. I asked you to always be honest with me, have NC with OM and give me some space now and then. You agreed to those conditions. You said you wanted to fix this and get therapy.

But from day one, you got emails or texts from OM and read them and deleted them. Did you respond? You say "No", but that can not be proved. When you agreed I could and should go on my trip, what did you do? I wasn't even gone and you meet with OM."

SWAT just got up and walked out. Leaving me standing in this huge pile of my own shit. When faced with everything I said and did, I can't believe he could actually look or even talk to me. It took me about two seconds to realize if he had done that to me, I would have probably tried to attack him (I mean baseball bat, huge kitchen knife attack) and gone crying to my parents. The fact he could even consider giving me that second chance was a miracle and I blew it.

So here I sit writing all of this out, while he has our youngest son with him. I am thinking, how did I get here and what can I do to make sure it never happens again. How do I protect him and the kids from me?

SWAT is still here, as in with our family, but he isn't with me as a couple. YKWIM. I maybe grasping at straws, but I need to have something to hold onto and the fact he is here is it. I know I have to fix me for me, but is using him as motivation wrong?

I need to have something to hold onto and the fact he is here is it. I know I have to fix me for me, but is using him as motivation wrong?

Gently responding here - he was there all along. You self-sabotaged the whole marriage by starting up issues that weren't there (IE: accusing him of cheating).

I think deep down you need to feel wanted and desired, and the titillation factor of having OM on the side and SWAT at home was enough to feed your need, until it backfired utterly. Now OM is in jail (of his own doing, and that is on him) and SWAT is burned out on the drama.

Using him as motivation is wrong, IMO. You should have used him as motivation NOT to stray. You're in this lifeboat all by yourself now, and you need to figure out how to be functional on your own and not use him as a crutch. IC is still the way to go.

Again, my post is meant as a very gentle 2x4. Keep reading and keep posting. We can help you stay on course.

(edited for clarification and sounding a bit harsh)

[This message edited by wheat at 3:38 PM, May 16th (Friday)]

ITA with Wheat, and would like to add

I need to have something to hold onto and the fact he is here is it

SWAT could decide to be 100% done tomorrow. Then what will you hold onto? That's why using him as motivation is wrong, and why we keep telling you to let go of the outcome and start building a foundation within yourself.

I maybe grasping at straws, but I need to have something to hold onto and the fact he is here is it. I know I have to fix me for me, but is using him as motivation wrong?

You can use how YOU hurt him and how bad he's hurting now to fix YOU.

You have to drop this co-dependency and start being your own motivation though. Fix you for YOU.You can't give real love to anyone if you don't first love yourself. You have nothing to offer SWAT now because you hate yourself. Fix that.

SoSorry,

I just have to say that your story is one that, out of 4 years on SI and having read hundreds if not thousands of members' stories, yours is one that triggers me hard due to the similarities of D-day aftermath. It's like I'm right back in the moment when my then-H was saying the same things yours is saying now.

I can't stress enough the importance of fixing your issues for yourself, because it's the type of person you want to become, not for SWAT or in the hopes that it will put a Band-Aid on your marriage.

I really hope you guys reconcile. But if you can't...then what? Repeat the same patterns? Make the same bad choices? The rest of your life is at stake right now, married or not. You get to choose. There is no "free pass" for a remorseful WS, even in divorce.

(((hugs))) and I wish you and your marriage the best.

Wheat and 20wrongs, of course your right. I'm just having a hard time with the realization that it could be over. I know he could leave any minute and he would be more than justified. He is a strong man both physically and mentally and I wish I was that strong. I may not have explained it well, but my motivation is this. I have destroyed what we had, everyone knows this fact. Swat more than anyone, yet he is here. Being the best he can be in a horribly bad situation. So I owe it to him, my kids and mostly myself to find out why and fix it. He could decide to leave today, next week or any time in the future. I know this and while I accept it, it is still hard to come to terms with.

If he leaves there is nothing I could or would try to do to stop him. But I can fix myself so I can be the best parenting partner.

FRM, yes exactly! I just didn't know how to express that. While I want to save my marriage, it is broken. There are only two parts and I'm the broken half.

If he left tommorrow I am still broken. If there is any hope of fixing the relationship, the broken half has to be replaced with a new(better and not broken) piece.

If he left tommorrow I am still broken. If there is any hope of fixing the relationship, the broken half has to be replaced with a new(better and not broken) piece.

That's it right there ^^^

Thank you. Now I just have to get it done.

It's gonna be a rough night. Swat has the kids and my mom just said sil is coming over and mom is breaking out the wine and coffee. Family pow wow anyone wanna guess the topic.

Ok...I can do this, right?

Yes. You can do this.

Its gonna be hard. And its gonna hurt like a bear. And you're gonna cry. And you're gonna have to dig out every cobweb and skeleton out of your closet. But you can do it.

Quite frankly, you need to. You deserve to be whole. You deserve to be healthy.

Ok...I can do this, right?

Don't question it...conquer it

Thanks

Your sig lines kind of got me to. Swat always says "Lets saddle up", well here goes, cause I'm petrified. And talking is simple, but this is gonna be hard.

This is a chance to be honest and open. Take this opportunity to be a cornerstone of how you handle this situation from here on out. Don't let fear rob you of redemption

Ok...I can do this, right?

Yes you can. It's going to completely suck and you will not come out looking honorable at all, but it has to be exposed or the whole situation will fester. Your support team (family) is wondering WTF is going on and you need to be honest with them. No sugar-coating any of it: tell the truth and no excuses.

Again, you CAN do this.

Baby steps, sosorry. One right choice, one honest answer, one right step at a time.

You can do this. It's going to suck, but everything pretty much sucks right now.... You have to live through this either way, might as well do it right.

Again I want to apologize in advance for what I know is going to be a novel.of a post.

So it was a long and rough night. Mom.and SIL let it fly with both barrels. Mom said I've always been a manipulator since I was a little girl. I would cry for attention. As I grew up I manipulated friends and family. She knew this and tried to gently intervene. I always had to have someone talking to or about me. I always had to be the center of attention. Mom said she could never understand it and said she blames herself. She thinks that she indulged me to much. My parents were older when they had kids and it took several attempts as she had four miscarriages. She wanted a little girl so badly and I was spoiled rotten. My mom loves me I know, but when shew listed several examples it hurt. They were all true though.

SIL said similar things. How I made sure everyone was talking about me all the time. Even her weeding to my brother. My date and I had a fight during the reception and it was over nothing, he wasn't even a bf, just a guy I knew. Guess what he left and everyone "comforted" me. I remember picking the fight to. After I was pregnant with my daughter, I couldn't marry SWAT because "I didn't want him pressured into doing the right thing." I explained this to everyone. I was the talk of the town for months. When that died down, I started having "complications" with the pregnancy. We get married and coasted for a few years. Child 2, another "difficult" pregnancy. To be honest not much wrong, but EVERYONE had to know about my slightly elevated protein levels and how I had to rest. Child 3 same story, "Oh my god breach baby,I may have to have a c-section". Everyone had know,he was so big during birth he broke his shoulder. Poor me, pay attention to me. Mom and SIL sighted several things over the years that brought attention to ME. After kid 3, SWAT gets the snip and drama dwindles to nothing. So I am the biggest drama queen in town, everyone needs to be talking about me. I posted all of this crap on Facebook.

I was angry and started to "defend" myself. SIL says "Shut your fucking mouth, I am not done." I have never heard my SIL use the f word. She asked me one question. Why did I have to tell every spouse at the monthly spouse meeting? What was happening was private and between me and SWAT. I got sick to my stomach, all I could think and eventually say was, "Because I needed their support and admiration. I wanted them to be talking to and about me." For almost an hour I was a mess. I ruined everything I hold dear because I need other people to be talking about me and "supporting me in my time of need".

My"Come to Jesus" meeting lasted about three hours. Then we turned off the coffee pot and broke out the wine. We talked, cried, hugged and actually laughed. I felt lighter when they left at 3 am.

Can he forgive me? I do not know, but I sure as hell can fix this. I can do this. I can hope and pray that I can stop making messed up decisions and seeking validation from people who really don't matter to me.

This morning around 7:00 am, SWAT calls. What does he say? "SS17, I know I wasn't here for mothers day. We haven't missed it in 11 years. Would you be willing to have breakfast with me and the kids? I'll make your crepes. (Strawberry with sweetened creme cheese and powdered sugar) As if I wouldn't say yes. I said "Thank you for asking and I'll be right over."

I hung up and screamed something along the lines of "OMFG he is so f'ing awesome. Mom!!!!...he invited me to breakfast and he's making f'ing crepes"

My mom scolded me for my language. Then said "Fix your hair, you look like shit!" I went home to flowers and a card and f'ing crepes. SWAT held my hand a couple of times and actually smiled, when daughter and I started singing some stupid songs.

We went our separate ways a couple of hours ago, he took the kids horseback riding. He thanked me for coming and gave me a peek on the cheek. I don't even think he realized he did it. I know it isn't really much, but I am so happy I could squeal.

He is so awesome, they seriously broke a mold after he came along.

Wow!!!

That is a lot of progress for one post.

Stop apologizing for long posts. Everything you wrote was important and pertinent. Sometimes we just ramble to get something out. We can't support and help each other if we don't put it out there, KWIM?

I think it's awesome that you were able to listen to your mother and SIL and *see* what they were saying. Also you are very lucky to have people who love you enough to talk to you like that.

You are going to have to break the attention seeking and need for validation down further though. There is some very old pain underneath it all and you're going to have to find it, feel it, and heal it to move forward. It's really good to recognize and change the behaviors but I feel it's necessary to find what drives the behaviors too. IC can help with this. You will have to look at you childhood. (I totally resisted doing this. I had a "normal, happy" childhood, I insisted. Whatever.) start digging through everything and asking yourself "why" over and over again and you will eventually learn some things that bring you to your knees. It will be tough and it will be healing.

I'm feeling so happy for you about you breakfast with SWAT. Just remember about the rollercoaster. It will have drastic ups and drastic downs for a while but eventually the peaks and valleys get smaller with time and work.

Hoping that you continue to work on making yourself healthy and whole. But wow your breakfast sounded very nice.