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The NC email/phone call has not been made. I haven't pushed this as much as I have been advised to by this board. She sent one before and it basically did nothing, because she was still DEEP into fog and the A. I'm wondering if this break of all contact is the best course. I have been checking phone records, emails, VAR, and social media, and there hasn't been contact.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I hope you mistyped this,. Are you thinking that it would be OK if she maintains contact with the OM????? There are many varying opinions on here, but in 578 threads I have not seen any one implying that it would be fine to let her keep talking to him. Under that rational, why wouldn't you let her go spend the week end with him to see what she wants. Please IUH, tell me i did NOT JUST READ THAT!!!

As far as questions, you could be days asking questions. She has told you she was unhappy BEFORE Mexico. So how about starting with prior to Mexico to see if she was in contact with this guy on OK Cupid or any dating sites. They and Ashley Madison are full of women stating the exact same things about their marriage that your wife did. It is very coincidental that she meets a guy in mexico that lives 2 hours from your house out of the entire world. According to her this feeling was for a year.

As far as the timeline goes, I would demand EVERY detail to see if she trips up and tells you something that you know is not true. IUH, PLEASE JUST THINK ABOUT THIS. If all she has done is kiss a guy a few times, then ask yourself how on earth it could be so devasting to her to just have come to you once this was exposed and level with you.

THERE IS MORE HERE and she is now guarding it because she believes it is probably the end if you find out.

In this timeline, you should also ask was the POS down from Canada at any time between the return from Mexico and when you caught her. That would explain why she was nice one day to you and acted like she did not want to be near you the next.

You say its getting better. NO REMORSE. Telling you she is not sure you will make it. That hardly sounds like someone who is COMMITTED to you.

As far as the photos, it would be nice to know if she was stupid enough to put her face in them which would mean sometime in the future you might have the fun of having some of your work associates or someone you know stumble accross them. The PHOTOS right now are the LEAST of your problems.

Now that she knows how carefully you are monitoring her, this will go underground when it resumes. You can be sure of that.

Again, I just don't know why you want to go anywhere a MC until you get all these answers. I'll let the others add their points, but there are a lot of people unfortunately with a lot of experience in this giving you advice that you are not taking. You have to protect yourself from what can happen to you. The people trying to help you cant.

You do not have the basics on any remorse yet and you have a partner who has now basically given you another indirect threat ("I do'nt know if it will work out for us")that you better do what she wants in MC.

SHE IS SORRY SHE GOT CAUGHT AND STILL DOES NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014

When I said I wasn't pushing her sending another NC, I wasn't saying I would accept any more communication between them. I was just saying, I don't know if a written or verbal NC is the best option.

Of course if she breaks and contacts him or vice versa, this is dead in the water. No going back.

Have her write out a complete timeline. From there you will know if you want any other questions answered. If she thinks that she admits to anything that will cause you to leave, she might not admit much.

You can decide if you tell her now that no matter what she admits to, you wont leave for the truth.

About the only good thing I see with MC, is that maybe and finally your wife will once and for all say what is really on her mind.

She continues to sit on the fence in total confusion.

The other night, her texts were that she was all in and sorry etc.

Now she is back to the she is not sure stuff.

If nothing else, in front of a MC, maybe she will once and for all tell someone what the big confusion is all about. Her now knowing has been going on for quite a while now.

Good

How about when she tells you she is not sure if it will work out you say the following

"I'm not sure either, so i think the best thing for you to do is secure an attorney because if i do not feel you are truthful with me and that this timeline withholds information you will need to have one. "Say it very calmly and non emotionally

At some point in her relationship her and this guy shared more than a kiss.My guess is it was after she got back and before you caught on.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 11:43 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]

The other big thing is she is staying with "She's not sure if we will work out".

You're damned right that it is uncertain if this will work out.

All that you are offering is an honest attempt to work through this. No guarantees. The only guarantee there is, is that things can't continue like they are. So do what craig2001 suggested: have her write out the timeline. If you don't want specific sexual details(if there are any), then let her know this. But it must be detailed with as much dates, times, and her thought processes at the time.

Then you can make decisions based off of this.

When I said I wasn't pushing her sending another NC, I wasn't saying I would accept any more communication between them. I was just saying, I don't know if a written or verbal NC is the best option.

Of course if she breaks and contacts him or vice versa, this is dead in the water. No going back.

In cases like these, I don't see the point of symbolic NC letters. She knows. This is for you, not her.

The bigger issue is whether she's willing to put in the work to reconcile. Until then, making any decision makes no sense.

RED SOX NATION has this right. The NC letter IS for you. Here is the problem. She doesn't know that and SHE HAS NOT OFFERED TO DO IT WHICH SHE SHOULD WANT TO DO, AND THE LAST TIME SHE TRIED TO she told you she could not bring herself to do it even though you wanted it. Doesn't that tell you something?????

So do you want to be married to a woman who cannot bring herself to tell her boyfriend that it is over in no uncertain terms in what ever form you want it done or have asked for. If she is COMMITTED TO R with you, which she is not, she would be bending over backwards to do ANYTHING you need.

She is not on board IUH, or this circle she keeps running you through would be starting to stop. She does not know if she wants to be married to you, period, and she is looking for MC on her terms to stall and give her more time.

As some of the ladies have told you, SHE IS CHECKED OUT. If she does not believe how serious you are by now, that is the reason why.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 2:49 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]

I think she's saying "she's not sure if this will work out" because she's hiding a big secret and she's protecting herself. I hope not. But you're a pretty tough guy. If she slept with the OM at some point, she probably knows it's over. This could be why she's confused. It sounds to me like she wants things to go back to the way they were with you, that she regrets what she did, but that she is uncertain if you will still want her. So she waffles. The only other reason I can think for the fence-sitting is that there is a power struggle in your relationship. Was she the more dominant partner? Right now you have taken control of the relationship. If she says, "I'm not sure..." She's telling you that you don't have ALL the power. She still can decide if she wants to stay. In a sense, I guess I'd rather have this situation than the former one where she's hiding a big secret. But it can be frustrating as hell when there's a power struggle. In this case you have to simply lay out your dealbreakers and then see if she's onboard. If not, it's a dealbreaker.

You have to do what you think is right, you know her the best. But I think there's more to this story. And I definitely think she should change numbers, block this dude's facebook, and send another NC letter. this time, you write it together. It would be a sign that she wants to work with you and is sincere. I think it's also a little bit harder to then make contact. Because she knows it's something you did together, not just a situation where she sent something and then changed her mind. It's more of a betrayal.

[This message edited by mike7 at 8:57 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]

Normally, women start explicit sexting when they have already had sex with the recipient.you might be able to help yourself if you try to think back from the time she arrived home until you got the phone bill that started this.

Was there a week end where she told you she was going somewhere with a girlfriend?

Was there a day she took off sick from work?

Was there a time she said she was going out with work associates?

Anything you can remember out of the ordinary during this time?

I know it is hard because at the time you would have no reason to suspect anything.

This POS was only short drive away and if he is single he could have made that drive anytime. And why would a single man who has known and only kissed a girl for two days be telling a married woman whose husband already knows about the relationship be telling her he loves her. That is what baffles everyone as well and why most believe there is a lot you do not know

IUH. What could she possible confess to you that would end this for her immediately? Well, where there is smoke there is fire. That is why she CANNOT commit to you. She has done something that she knows is the end. I think that may even be part of why she keeps OM out there, so she will have someone if you find this out. With his financial condition that she conveniently revealed to you just recently, like Sat night, and him being in another country, she knows there is no long term future, yet she holds on and can't commit to you.

Last thing as far as the timeline. Mike was right. She is probably not going to give you the full truth especially since she has had so long to prepare her story in her mind . You have absolutely no way to verify this except you gut , and she has no credibility . I still think you should panic her by hinting that you may ask for a polygraph. You should not be afraid of her reaction. What can she say "Don't you trust me?" And your answer I'm sure you know will be "no, you have not told me one truthful thing since you got back from Mexico".

Your issue now, IUH , is not only to knock her off fence, but to see if you can live with what you find out.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 5:36 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

If she slept with the OM at some point, she probably knows it's over. This could be why she's confused. It sounds to me like she wants things to go back to the way they were with you, that she regrets what she did, but that she is uncertain if you will still want her.

Mike could be right. She could be hiding something big and this whole decision thing was more about telling you or not.

IUH, do you know if you will stay with her and R if she did indeed have sex with him and now the affair is over.

If the affair is over, she is sorry, etc, will you still R. Then it all comes down to will you forgive her or not for what she has done?

I'm out with my cousin around a campfire talking about all of this stuff going on with me and get the following texts from my wife. Al about 3 minutes apart

"I just miss you so much and want life to be back to normal again."

"I really screwed up."

"I'm so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I'm so broken and hurt and I know I hurt you too. I just want to be happy again."

What is this?

IUH,

After reading the entire thread I'm emotionally drained. I can only imagine how you are feeling. Sorry life took such a bad turn.

The quoted portion of your post concerns me. Specifically from the proceeding events to your post. It would seem, in my opinion, she has seen the other side of the fence and it is not greener(OM looks to be a lech/bum) and has settled on you. In short, a second choice. I'm not certain if others see these texts after WW apparently come to reality that OM is not what he seems. Since the revelation she looks to make attempts to work it out with you. I find it kind of a position were you are kept on the back burner in case OM does not work out. Stinging along as it were.

Good luck with what you decide. I was in a similar situation. Being very loyal and believe in reciprocation of loyalty I did a 180 and moved on. It took a while to get over it. I did and found another who reciprocates loyalty. Sometimes to a fault.

Personally I could not continue on in a relationship such as this. It is now poisoned. Spending my entire life sifting through email, text and FB looking for infidelity is no way to live in my opinion.

[This message edited by Ohmyword at 7:35 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

Flat out ask her what the "screw up"is she's referring to, followed by "is that all? " as often as necessary to get to "yes, that's all" , followed by. " if there is anything else, tell me now and I'll discuss your issues at MC once we have resolved the A issue and why you were willing to leave the M for some guy you hardly knew.

Maybe it was sex, maybe not. But whatever, it was not nothing.

And, to discuss her other texts to you, ask her how she thinks you feel about being nearly tossed out of M by some guy she only knew a short time. Her reply will show if she's moving beyond her feelings.IF SHE SAYS I DONT KNOW/ I haven't thought of that, tell her hats why the A is issue number one for MC.

She's looking for hope of R, but would like to rugsweep her actions. You can't let that happen.

IUH

When you question her about anything on the timeline if she gives it to you, try to ask as many open ended questions as possible. Like

"Tell me x"

"How did you .x"

Questions that require a detailed explanation.

Try NOT to ask her any questions that she can simply say yes or no to. Then you find out nothing and she feels like she has already answered.

You might consider writing these questions down and reading thru them so you get it the way you want.

I would not just go in and start talking to where she may be able to be evasive

It's definitely feeling like she's more upset over her breakup with POS bum than she is with what she has done to me and our marriage. I told her last night, that her pouting and sadness BS is making me realize more and more how I don't think this is going to work out.

If she did have axe with him, and I know that us still a possibility), then I am done. Even if she wants to R and does a 180 with her actions. However, I never thought I would be the one who would stick around in a relationship if the other person is sneaking around my back, even if it was just a physical affair with making out and a heavy emotional affair. I'm all sorts of confused.

Really just want to know what happened in detail, so I can make my final decision. I made a MC appointment for next Wednesday by the way. Who know if we will make it by then. I def want this timeline finished before we go

My college roomate is getting married this weekend and I'm in the wedding. This should be an interesting weekend with her.

Hey IUH. I have been following but haven't posted much. I know SI is your safe haven, but any thought to having her read in the wayward section. Or having her sign up? There are many couples there that do so that are trying to R. Some of those wayward leaders over there can be a huge help to pointing out what she needs to do. They are quite good at it. I've been reading over there longer than I have been posting.

Just a thought and I would completely understand if you wouldn't want that. Just saying it may be another option if the two of you are truly trying to move towards R.

yop

Did she offer a clue on what caused the breakup with POS?

Have you asked her for a detailed timeline? There may be nothing pre Mexico, so you wouldn't be asking her to remember ancient history.

Her own feelings mean way more to her than how you feel. No empathy seen in what you've said about her comments.

How does she reconcile her recent texts with pouting? I know you're not following her program which I suspect she thought you would. But the real issue is whether she even cares about how you feel about this mess. Does she even care?

I would not encourage her to get on this forum. The last thing you want her to do is read all of the advice you are getting. You Need to tell her to secure a an attorney

That a great attitude. Every post you make makes it clear that healing you and giving you a reason to want to be with her us not her top priority.

I hope you are snapping out of this R at all costs.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 12:41 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

You have one of the most healthy attitudes I've seen resulting from this shitty situation. You can see what it would take to move forward. You have a good idea what you could and could not get past.

Your marriage will always be different from what it was pre-infidelity, but you see where it could still be a successful marriage.

It's hard to say where your wife is right now. She seems to realize now that POS is just a POS rather than some shiny new toy. So is she looking for an exit affair or is she willing to enthusiastically return to your marriage?

I think it's worth focusing on MC-related issues (issues for improving the marriage, not necessarily focusing on the affair). And hopefully she'll be open to IC to work on her own demons - what led her to seek something outside the marriage rather than insisting on MC herself.

If so, there's a lot more hope for you than if she isn't. And the MC won't be wasted regardless - you'll be able to keep improving yourself whether it's moving forward with her or without her.

This is a PS to my last posting. It may be that she's trying to engage you in a power struggle. This the back and forth hot and cold way she's running. Nice didn't get you to surrender, so maybe ambivalent will? Who knows what goes through their heads?

I told her last night, that her pouting and sadness BS is making me realize more and more how I don't think this is going to work out.

This pouting is very common and not always a sign that the WW is missing the OM.

It is like a withdrawal and what the WW is missing is the excitement of the affair and the having something of their own.

Many times a WW wants something of their own if they are always just sharing with their husbands work and friends and activities. And that is the pouting or the withdrawal...from the something unique of their own and the excitement, not the OM.

No this is not an excuse, just a possibility of her pouting.