SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

With what subhead done that is understandable. She still is volunteering no information??? Is she claiming NC while you were gone or did you catch her again

There's no way I can be in a relationship where I fear that my wife will cheat on me the second I'm out of the house.

This is exactly how I feel. If she's not working towards making this better for you then there is no point to continuing.

There's no way I can be in a relationship where I fear that my wife will cheat on me the second I'm out of the house

And that's a very reasonable expectation to have for your spouse. It sounds like she is not willing to do anything to alleviate that fear, to make you feel safe.

Not lifting a finger to fight for something back. Letting something important slip through her fingers when all she has to do is grab and hold on, show some effort. It's bewildering, isn't it? Her inaction says it all. Her inaction is an answer.

Well, you have some time for the D process finalize.

Hang in there. The storm does eventually pass.

I'm sorry to say this UI because I know this is your life and it's heartbreaking, but I find your story fascinating.

There's no way I can be in a relationship where I fear that my wife will cheat on me the second I'm out of the house.

You are absolutely correct. i couldn't either. What I find fascinating is that I would expect her to be on her knees, mascara running, snot blubbering, and begging for forgiveness, promising to do absolutely everything if you give her another chance. Why didn't she? I get the impression she sat there doing nothing again.

And who the hell is this AP guy?

I also find it interesting the comment she made to her girlfriend on the phone, "if it were anyone else, I wouldn't dream of leaving my husband."

None of this makes sense. I mean, as far as you knew, everything was great before she went on her vacation.

there's just something missing from this story. Either she's developing some sort of bi-polar disorder, or this guy is someone from her past that she planned to see. I just don't believe it was a chance meeting that ended with a kiss. I mean, she's willing to let you go because of that?!? Because of a kiss? On top of everything, he's sounds like a loser. Has a toddler wandering around from a baby-mama he's not married to, and doesn't plan on marrying. he's filing bankruptcy. yet is goofing off in Mexico instead of trying to save his money. Yeah... a real winner. It just doesn't add up.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. but I can assure you, you will be fine. In time, you will meet someone you deserve.

Good luck friend.

[This message edited by mike7 at 10:15 AM, June 27th (Friday)]

There's no way I can be in a relationship where I fear that my wife will cheat on me the second I'm out of the house.

That is very common and only rebuilding trust by the WS can ever help that.

Trust has to be earned is an old saying and it is very true.

What did she say to your comment.

Has she done anything recently to start rebuilding trust.

She never showed anything in the way of remorse with sincere apologies and offers to help you recover in any way she could. At least according to what you've told us here. She was certainly upset at times, but the loss of her marriage didn't seem to be too much of a threat or risk to her.

Maybe this odd fascination with OM was her version of an exit affair. Deep down she knew that you weren't going to put up wih her vacillation and repeated contacts with him despite promises to stop contact with him.

Treat the rest of your marriage and it's dissolution as a business transaction. The fact of dissolution is established. Who was at fault for doing (or failing to do) what the other spouse wanted is largely irrelevant. Fault fights are a waste of time. And will only delay the end result.

The issue is now property and debt distribution. Do yourself a favor and don't fight over trinkets as those fights benefit only the lawyers.

Prepare an accurate list of assets and debts, and an "income statement" from tax returns. Accurate, organized information will greatly assist you in this process.

Why she acted the way she did is a mystery but one that need not be resolved. Your life will return to normal, albeit a new normal, much faster if you let the marriage go and don't let her drag you into moot debates. Remember, this is a business transaction now.

Let your lawyer know you are proceeding with the divorce case.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 10:55 AM, June 27th (Friday)]

Well that is understandable. Since you did not say, I am assuming you still just got the same bull shit or silence and nothing to believe she is being honest with you. If you travel regularly on business, that would answer the question of when they might have been getting together before you caught on.

I hope you have not stopped watching her, listening to VAR, and checking phone calls. She probably never did block him like she said she would

The feeling you are feeling is normal. Why on earth would you trust her as far as you could throw her. What did she want when she said last week she did not want A to end. Did she expect you to be OK with that and go to MC on that basis.

You can do better and the anxiety you feel will not get better because she has done nothing to give you any reason at all to trust her. You still do not know the truth. Don't forget that for a minute

You are absolutely correct. i couldn't either. What I find fascinating is that I would expect her to be on her knees, mascara running, snot blubbering, and begging for forgiveness, promising to do absolutely everything if you give her another chance. Why didn't she? I get the impression she sat there doing nothing again.

And who the hell is this AP guy?

I also find it interesting the comment she made to her girlfriend on the phone, "if it were anyone else, I wouldn't dream of leaving my husband."

None of this makes sense. I mean, as far as you knew, everything was great before she went on her vacation.

there's just something missing from this story. Either she's developing some sort of bi-polar disorder, or this guy is someone from her past that she planned to see. I just don't believe it was a chance meeting that ended with a kiss. I mean, she's willing to let you go because of that?!? Because of a kiss? On top of everything, he's sounds like a loser. Has a toddler wandering around from a baby-mama he's not married to, and doesn't plan on marrying. he's filing bankruptcy. yet is goofing off in Mexico instead of trying to save his money. Yeah... a real winner. It just doesn't add up.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. but I can assure you, you will be fine. In time, you will meet someone you deserve.

What Mike7 said ^^^. 110%

I'm really sorry you're going through this IUH. It's a gut wrenching decision to end your marriage, but I can tell you that *for me*, it was the right decision and I have never, ever, EVER regretted it.

IF the affair is over at this point, it's because HE ended it - not because she did.

Ever since this began, SHE has been the one with all the control. You haven't forced the issue... and kept giving in on all the things that a betrayed spouse should not give in on.

NC should have been swift and immediate.

All the questions about how she could do such a thing are irrelevant, really. The reason it happened is because she CHOSE to let it happen. Isn't that enough? Then she compounded it by allowing it to continue.

Why should she stop? You never forced the issue and kept waffling on things. She was sorry she got caught, and couldn't just end it.

I'm of the opinion in a case like this is that the solution is simple. She couldn't end the relationship with the OM...fine. Then you end the marriage. Make the decision for her. Be proactive rather than reactive.

She made her choices a long time ago. Now you are only providing the consequences for them.

Hopefully you will get into IC yourself, to learn how to cope with the aftermath of a divorce. Divorce sucks, but being in a marriage like that sucks MUCH more.

IUH, Forget all the advice for now my question is simple. How,are you doing?

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 8:55 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]

Im doing about the same. She told me she is done with OP and hasn't had communication since the last time she confessed they talked 2 weeks ago.

I keep telling her that she really hasn't proved any if this to me. But I really don't even know how she can. She's given me the while timeline and it have full access to her social sites, email, phone. I think It all goes back to the whole "do I even want to still be in this marriage."

She's staying with "she doesn't know if she's "in love" with me anymore. She said that she wants a deeper connection.

If she's saying she's not sure she's in love with you, after the hell she put you through, you may wish to study and implement the 180 to protect yourself. She has proven she can cheat on a seeming whim. Detach and be independent. Separate finances and continue the divorce. You deserve better.

Maybe she's being truthful, but it sure looks like a manipulation attempt or even a punishment attempt to me. Manipulate you into being pliant to her whims. Punish you for ruining her dream affair.

She said that she wants a deeper connection.

With you, or just anybody else? What exactly is her definition of love? If it's anything like that Twilight bullshit, then you're dealing with immaturity.

Stay the course with D, but keep communicating with her if you're up to it and can filter the gaslighting talk.

m doing about the same. She told me she is done with OP and hasn't had communication since the last time she confessed they talked 2 weeks ago.

She's staying with "she doesn't know if she's "in love" with me anymore. She said that she wants a deeper connection.

IUH

And you actually believe the timeline she has given you and that it was still just a kiss and a few hugs. If you believe that you are probably the only one who read any of this that does believe it.

She is still telling you she does not know if she still loves you. After all that she has put you through. Still no remorse other than getting caught, and you are just getting access to her social sites??? probably after she has deleted everything she did not want you to see.

IUH, what was the timeline. You have not shared it so anyone can help you think through it?

I am honestly dumbfounded how you can want to stay with this woman. Her little affair can be rekindled at any time or a new one started. She's not sure she's in love with you, which she stated to you back on May 12. This is the only thing she has told you that i would believe.

i guess if you want to hang around and let her decide if she wants to stay or find another affair partner that is your choice.

The feeling you posted of when you go away how you feel that you can't trust her. Not sure how you will ever get rid of that with her. Unfortunately you are in for more hurt and pain.

And by the way, it is HER responsibility to want to prove to you that she is truthful and wants to commit to you, not for you to have to figure it all out for her.

Nothing off the VAR??????

[This message edited by Badhurt at 3:06 PM, June 30th (Monday)]

There's no way I can be in a relationship where I fear that my wife will cheat on me the second I'm out of the house.

You are absolutely correct. i couldn't either. What I find fascinating is that I would expect her to be on her knees, mascara running, snot blubbering, and begging for forgiveness, promising to do absolutely everything if you give her another chance. Why didn't she? I get the impression she sat there doing nothing again.

IUH

your words and Mike's response which was right on.

Smithcreens post you need to think about

IF the affair is over at this point, it's because HE ended it - not because she did.

You CAN do so much better. Is this the way you want to live????

Whatever you decide IUH you have support in this forum.

She's staying with "she doesn't know if she's "in love" with me anymore. She said that she wants a deeper connection.

So why is she still in your house? Show her the door!

IUH, the above statement^^^^^ is all about her keeping the power.

She is not picking you. She is picking her own selfish needs.

After what she has put you thru, do you really want to spend any more time with her?

Take the power back, & make your own decision------not to be in this living hell for another minute.

So, since it doesn't look like we will make it through this. I have a question for those who D and did not get back together with their spouse:

How do you get through something like this? When the water calms down and everything is final, when your moved out of the same place and split the property/money up. I mean, I still have such strong feelings for her (even after everything she did to me). How can those feelings go away?

IUH,

Basically, if I understand what you have said in your last two posts, you believe you have gotten the whole story and she is still sticking to the line of a few hugs, first met in Mexico and all that. Or is the timeline and information you have gotten from her different, including any more you heard on VAR. That make a diffetrence, because it will be easier for you to make this decision if you in your heart know you have the correct information.

The fact seems to be, she did tell you that she had felt "trapped" for a year. That is a translation for I needed to see what was out there to see what i want, which is why most of us believe she was on some web site or something to meet a guy two hours away. It also explains how we all thought her IC therapist was crazy for initially recommending trial separation, but if she had been confiding to her therapist that she was involved in an EA or PA it would make more sense that the IC suggested that.

As far as your feelings, time is the only thing that can heal that. There is no easy answer. After reading what you and a lot of others have gone through with all the detective work, lying, etc, i believe I was fortunate on my d Day that i actually caught her right in the act so i did not have the drawn out pain that you have. It did go away, and two years later we reconciled after a LOT of effort on her part. If you find out the FULL extent of her betrayal it will make it easier in my opinion but others may feel differently.

The important thing here, is that it is was not your fault and do not try to second guess yourself and beat yourself up on what you might have done differently. She betrayed you instead of discussing her issues, and then disrespected you more by putting you through what you have had in the last few months. Still caring about her is normal, but I know you do not look at her in the same light as you did, and you marriage would not if ever be the same as it was.

You are young, no kids, and you will find happiness again. You made every effort and she made none, apparently even now, and if this guy had lived in US that close she probably would have left you so unless there is stuff we do not know, I agree with mcchercheur and it is time to get your attorney to proceed with the D

Keep posting because there are a lot of people probably much better at it than me to guide you through this process.

A lot of people have been in your corner. Keep us all there.

She's staying with "she doesn't know if she's "in love" with me anymore. She said that she wants a deeper connection.

What in the world does a deeper connection mean? Since that is something that can only be defined by the person who said it, she certainly needs to explain this in full detail and with pictures if needed.

Your wife has been very undecided ever since this started, starting before she got back from her trip.

It just seems she is constantly trying to decide something. And she has had a great deal of time to decide.

I don't think you can ever trust her again like you used to and the terrible damage when this crap happens, is that you might never be able to trust anyone again 100%.

But your wife continues to talk in riddles and with total indecision and she really needs to start talking directly.

First she texts you when you were camping, saying all of those wonderful things, then the sexy texts and now back to the wants a deeper connection and not sure about love.

Back and forth.

Only my opinion, but I have found that when the WW talks in riddles, or circles like this, the whole story is not known.

Once the entire story or truth is known, then those odd comments and riddles make sense.