SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just bumping in case IUH comes back. My guess is he found out some really bad information. Hope I am 100% wrong

^^bumping to see how Hoosier is doing???

I agree just tell us you are alive or tell us to eff off

This will get better I'm 3 years out bro.

Come back and vent.

Sorry it's been a few days since I have been on. I did not go to MC last Wednesday, which I think is where I left off here. I stayed with a friend for a few days and then went to a lake house with another friend for the weekend. It was great to actually have a good time for a change compared to the last couple months. She has been calling and texting a lot and when I do pick up, she is very upset and wants me to try again. I keep telling her that I have tried for too long where she hasn't put any effort in. She says she is and she ended it last Tuesday night when we had the fight. I told her I don't know if I can be with somebody that took that long to decide she wanted to stay with her husband.

I think it's over.

Spell it out for her. She blew it. You fought for her, she wasn't interested, you stopped fighting. Keep moving forward with the D.

But the power has now shifted to you.

If she really wants you back, it's her turn to fight. She has to fight for you.

If she doesn't, just let her go.

If she does, then desided if you want to continue with the D.

Balls in your court now.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:16 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

Have you seen the oft repeated statement here: you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it? I guess it's true.

I do t know your plan,,but make 100% sure you have a list of deal breakers that is communicated to her in no uncertain terms and that she understands the consequences for breaking them. If you decide to try to get back together. She has done the back and forth dance far too often with you (and it seems with OM) to trust what she has to say. Only actions tell the truth.

The first thing you'll need besides NC and electronic openness is TRUTH. Not TT, but a complete timeline of this A. You don't want it in bits and pieces. Then you can start asking your questions in sensible,order and form.

Whatever you chose, best of luck to you.

Thanks,for the update.

I have to agree with Schad 110%. He gets it, and I hope you do to.

Do NOT agree to anything until you see consistent action and change in her.

Words still mean nothing. It take a long time for a cheaters words to have worth, and if you give them worth too soon the only person that gets hurt is you.

((((and strength))))

IUH

Glad you are ok. I agree with others. You still do NOT know the truth. The last thing she told you last week was she did not want to completely end her A. And you did not believe her, which was smart.

It's her time to squirm, but do not do anything until you are sure you want her after all she has done. I don't know how you can until you believe you have the truth . This was NOT a two day affair. !!!

And my guess is she was in contact with OM the whole time you were gone.

IUH, you seem in better place that after listening to that VAR. Before you trust her Id listen to that recording one more time. I assume the VAR is still in her car.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 8:09 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

IU, great job on claiming yourself back and extracting yourself out of this limbo in full!

I told her I don't know if I can be with somebody that took that long to decide she wanted to stay with her husband.

Boy, that says a lot right there and I hear you. I completely understand this. Like the others said, the ball is entirely in your court now. You are solidly in the driver's seat.

You may have already done this, but if not I suggest that one of the conditions you lay out to her is to do that full and complete timeline of the A, as well as any other A she may not have divulged. Tell her that doing say "may" help you decide to R but that keeping things secret as they are now is definitely assuring that D is going to happen. Tell her it is a risk as to how you may feel after she tells the truth, but she already took a bad risk having the A and blowing up the marriage so she ought to take a risk and tell you the truth to try and save it.

But here is the thing. If anything that timeline and truth is going to do for you is to know the "how" of the A, not so much the "why". It will further clarify something you already know, that it was NOT your fault. It was entire her shit to own. This is to help you heal.

If she refuses then you have your answer right there as to where she really places you and the marriage in her list of priorities. Her self preservation will underline her selfishness.

IUH

I duff brought up a good point . A lot of us think that her A was going on way before she went Mexico and that she used that girls trip to have a week end with him. She told you she felt trapped for a year, and she could have been on a dating site for a lot of that time. There might have been others.

Even if that is wrong, when you get the timeline again if you want it, you should tell her that is what you believe and now see if you can bluff it out if her. If she believes that is firmly entrenched n your mind, she may want to refute it with the truth.

When you said "I think it is over" does that mean you probably do not want to R or does that mean you believe A is over. You did not believe that last Tuesday night

I agree. It would not surprise me if this started out online somehow long before Mexico. Or the gf started an OLA and got your WW involved with his friend and planned the trip. Her level of attachment has never made sense to anybody here if it really was a first meeting, one week romance without more contact than she has admitted to. This loser isn't Brad Pitt 's identical twin equally rich and handsome where she's imagining herself living in the lap of luxury with an adoring bf at her beck and call. Most women over 25 had to give up such fantasies.

I guess what I am saying is if she provides an honest timeline of A events, be prepared for bad news you've never heard before and her being shown as one who engaged in TT with you to protect her own behind.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 9:19 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

She says she is and she ended it last Tuesday night when we had the fight

She ends the affair a lot. This has just been odd, her taking forever to decide and then never knowing what to do.

And then I think about the OM, who sounds like a loser, and the saying always comes back to, they almost always affair down.

Maybe she has finally ended it, but that is only part of it. The WHY is always there. Too bad she took so long to decide, especially after it looked like she had finally gotten it.

My only advice is that it is up to you. Only you know her well enough and can decide if she has finally gotten back to reality again or if this is just talk.

Way to go Hoosier!!!! You truly are standing up and claiming your life back. Whatever happens here on out will be on your terms and only yours. Very Proud of You

I agree with Badhurt and some others....you still don't know the full truth and this was more that just a weekend makeout session followed up by some long distance phone/text conversations.

Did you expose the A to families and friends?

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 10:54 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

i wasn't sure if when you said "it's over" whether you meant your marriage or her EA/PA. I guess that shows where my mind is.

Lot of good advice here UI. You're a smart guy, so maybe I don't have to spell this out.

What are the odds she goes to Mexico and starts a relationship with a guy that lives only two hours away? That's quite a coincidence isn't it? Look at the people who post on this site, we're from all over. Normally when you go to a vacation resort the people you meet are from all over too. So she meets a guy within easy driving distance? And falls for him in a couple of days? Remember when she was talking on the phone to her girlfriend? She said, "if it were anyone else, I wouldn't even think of leaving my husband." That sounds to me that he's more than a just a vacation hookup. And how about the last conversation you heard? He's upset that she hasn't left you yet for him? Man, after a kiss he's asking that? Must be a hell of a kiss! And she tells him, "I just need more time.... please, please...I'm so confused. Don't break up with me, I'll leave my husband.. I just need more time." And when you tell her to call him and end it she says "I don't want to."?????

Dude, wtf? If you are interested in her at all. You need to metaphorically grab her by the seat of her pants and her head and plow her through the manure she's been spreading. It's gloves off time my friend. Bring her to her knees. Get ALL the truth! Get it NOW! no more Mr. Nice guy.

I'm really sorry you have to put up with this nonsense. It might be easier if you really did just end it with her. She doesn't seem like she's "all that" anymore does she.

IUH,

Last Tuesday night, your wife stated to you flat out that she did NOT want to totally end the A. Then you went away for five days so I imagine if the VAR is still in the car you will get more information from that because I do not think anyone believes she sat there for five days without talking to him or anyone else. Still not sure what the hell she meant when she said that to you or if you asked. The point is less than a week ago you heard a VAR where they were both plotting for her to leave you.

One thing that I think needs to be pointed out here because everyone keeps referring to the Canadian as POS is that he probably may not be the POS that everyone thinks he is. YOUR WIFE IS THE POS. From what we know, the Canadian is NOT married, has a daughter, and has broken up with his girlfriend. Bankruptcy does not make him a POS. A lot of decent people find themselves in his position. To you and those in your corner he is a POS, but in reality he is a single guy being encouraged by your wife.

What a lot of us know is that no sane man in his position would be telling your wife he loves her over a few hugs and some naughty pictures. If there is anyone on this board who has ever heard of a man who we have no reason to think is abnormal would be pursuing a woman like this WITHOUT THE ENCOURAGEMENT of that woman, which we know your wife has been doing. There are very few of us who have followed this that believe for a New York second that there has not been a LOT more intimacy here than you know. We just do not know when and how it occurred, and NEITHER DO YOU.

Mike and some of the others have also told you that you need to do whatever you have to do to get the truth. I personally can’t imagine how you could consider going to MC or anywhere with her after what she has put you through, but that is your call. I still think you should get all your back phone records from the phone company since she has brazenly been using her cell phone to call him. The phone records I believe will tell you received calls also.

She is obviously scared shitless now because she has herself in a box. If she tells you the truth, most of us believe it will certainly be a deal breaker for you. Her only hope is to try to convince you it is over and keep sticking to her bull shit stories. I do not believe you owe her anything so since she has deceived you for who knows how long, I think the only way you are going to get the whole truth is to make her think you will R even if you will not and ask for a polygraph. Even if you have no intention of carrying this request out, it will then be check mate for her. If she confesses everything, you will know the truth. If she takes the poly, you will know everything.

I am not speaking for Mike but I think that may be something like he meant by dragging her ass through through the manure she has been spreading.. You will not really have the upper hand until you know the truth and can make an informed decision on what you want to do. Until then, she has you guessing

IUHoosier

From your very first post.

This was the girl of my dreams, the love of my life, the one one I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Never settle in life. That is the woman you deserve.

And if you do not see that woman in front of you anymore let her know.

And if she never has the potential of being that woman again well let her know that too.

I can see how disappointed you are in your wife.

Do not be afraid to make a decision. You deserve better.

HM

Hoosier,

Happyman and Mike7 nailed it, IMO. Lots to think about, but just know that sometimes, the person we think we married turns out to be someone entirely different. That's what happened to me, and I've seen it countless other times on this forum, unfortunately.

YOU are in the driver's seat. YOU get to decide what YOU want.

IUH

You still OK???

There are a lot of people still concerned about you.

Hope all is getting better and that you are coming to some decisions.

I'm ok. Same feelings.

I just got back from a business trip and was gone 2 days/ 1 night. I came back and told my wife that this would be impossible for me to go through. There's no way I can be in a relationship where I fear that my wife will cheat on me the second I'm out of the house.