SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

IUH

What are YOU feeling. To say she screwed up is an understatement. After all that has happened, do YOU believe the timeline. Do YOU believe that after Mexico it was ALL an EA affair .??? Do YOU believe that you know exactly what happened from the minute she met him, that is if you believe she was not in online affair before Mexico??? Do YOU believe that if he called her again she would tell you immediately and tell him never to contact her again???? You must know he still has her phone number which you did not change and her work number. Do YOU believe you have the answers to everything YOU want to know??

Until the answers to those questions is yes, how do you begin to trust her again.

You obviously know a lot more than any of us. But not too long ago you were devastated by a VAR conversation you heard of her asking for more time to leave you. Then you blew up at her and cancelled MC and she signed the D papers and told you she still wanted to continue her affair. Then OM breaks up with her for now, and she then starts to see the light.

To me, she needs to do a lot more explaining than to simply say "I don't know" . She was not in a coma. These were all calculated statements and actions.

I hope you are thinking of specifics as far as boundaries for her if you even consider staying with her.

Bump

IUIH

Whats going on???

I'm just watching what she does and how she acts now. I haven't slowed the D process down at all, which we are just waiting now for the 90 day waiting period to be over before the judge looks at it and signs it.

I do believe her timeline and believe her when she says she isn't talking to him. This belief is more based off of not hearing anything from the VAR other than her convos with her friend (not other cheating friend). She has stopped talking with the other friend, which was defintely needed, because she is messed up.

I'm going to continue to see what she does to make me feel better. She has read a lot of books on how to restore trust after an A, and wants me to read a few. I told her I might read a few if them down the road.

I'm going to continue to see what she does to make me feel better. She has read a lot of books on how to restore trust after an A, and wants me to read a few. I told her I might read a few if them down the road.

Good, very good. Remember to keep an eye out for proactive actions on her part to help you heal. Are a lot of the books she is reading from her own selection or yours? Is she trying to be an open book to you or is she requiring any form of privacy?

She has to fight for you now and she has whatever is left of that 90 days to kick it in gear.

These are books she has found online and her IC suggested. One of them was "Not Just Friends", which I believe somebody on this forum suggested a while ago. She isn't asking for any privacy anymore

These are books she has found online and her IC suggested. One of them was "Not Just Friends", which I believe somebody on this forum suggested a while ago. She isn't asking for any privacy anymore

Is this the same IC that recommended separation in the beginning?

I'm not sure, of course, since I don't see your daily lives. But it seems to me that at least her actions are becoming consistent and that she has realized that you were indeed deeply hurt by her A.

That's good news if you are aiming for reconciliation.

She has somehow pulled her head out of the sand.

IUH,

Interesting. Each time you post we get a little more information. i can't believe while this was all going on and she was calling him every night that she was asking for privacy???

I guess from what you say you are convinced that either before or after Mexico she has not lied and not had sexual intercourse with him, and that this whole thing was over two night in Mexico. If you believe that that is all the is important because you must believe that completely to try to R.

You have said that on the last VAR that Monday night that he broke up with her because she would not commit to leave you. So do you also believe that if he called her again she would hang up and come tell you, because that is not out of the realm of possibility. None of her contact information has been changed, and I personally do not believe he does not have her work contact information. She claims he did not have that because of the sexting but as the affair continued and she was lying to you, i personally believe she gave him that number.

You are doing a good job because you are not blindly rushing in to acceptance of R just because she is reading a few books and has stopped talking to toxic girlfriend. You mention that is good. What was she telling your wife.????

I guess you have some big decisions to make because the d day is approaching, and what do you do right now if the house sells???

Don't know if you looked at the other threads about lie detectors. I still think it will be your only way to know if you have the truth.

Glad your mental state seems to be stable and you are still on the forum.

You are a strong person to have gone through this.

She never asked for privacy, but when it was going on, she would be pissed if I asked her questions on what she was doing, etc.

I actually now do believe if the OP called her, she would not answer. I just overheard her right now on the VAR tell her other friend that he texted her 2 weeks ago "what's up" and she told her friend she replied with "I'm going to stay with my husband, because he is the one I want". Now, this makes me feel great, but it doesn't change things too much.

IUH

Theres the problem. How come you had to hear that on the VAR. She did NOT tell you that. So if there was no VAR and she had decided to talk to him you would not have known. Supposing she was feeling lonely.

Don't you think if you decide to R it is time to change her social media contact information. Sure, she can try to go around that, but does it have to be SO EASY for him to contact her anytime he wants. You will probably not have the VAR forever.

he is still going to periodically "fish", that is obvious. You are not done with this POS unfortunately as long as he can reach her.

And to be honest, she could go to her work and tell them someone is stalking her and get her work number changed if she has given it to him.

if she changes all her social media how does he reach her then if she does not want him to????

[This message edited by Badhurt at 1:26 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

She never asked for privacy, but when it was going on, she would be pissed if I asked her questions on what she was doing, etc.

I actually now do believe if the OP called her, she would not answer. I just overheard her right now on the VAR tell her other friend that he texted her 2 weeks ago "what's up" and she told her friend she replied with "I'm going to stay with my husband, because he is the one I want"

The proactive thing for her to do to show transparency was to tell you about this contact and her response to him. Hell, it would have been better if you both sent an NC message to that ass-clown and then changed phone#.

Her telling her friend and not you about this is her requiring privacy away from you on this matter. It's her "preserving" her image and control of the situation.

I wonder when she'll get to those chapters in the books discussing transparency. She clearly hasn't yet.

You could always say "I noticed you were little flustered lately. So...did ass-clown contact you recently?" and gauge her response.

This is the same IC that told her to have a week apart, is that correct?

All of this shows signs of pretty serious regret on her part. Do you have a list of things she would have to do in order for you to feel like MC would be worth your time? I get it: what she has done is enough to be deal breaker.

get it: what she has done is enough to be deal breaker.

IUH,

You still do not have transparency. You do because of VAR. She is telling her friends things but NOT you. She actually broke NC here by even responding to him. As long as he knows he will get some response he will keep at it.

Right now your wife is telling you she wants you, and telling her friend that. But she is NOT telling you when the OM is contacting her. That is her "secret"". Are you Ok with that?????

I thought she did give her all of her passwords and access to her phone.

If she has given you her passwords and access to her phone, why didn't you see his text 2 weeks ago?

Craig

That one is easy . Because she deleted it!!! And he probably was not checking that much if at all .

IUH

Here's a good lite exercise for you. Just ask her if he has tried to contact her again. My guess is she will say no! That will tell you something

[This message edited by Badhurt at 4:03 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

I don't know what kind of phone she has, but in another thread here, there is a mention of a free and good piece of software that recovers deleted texts. IUH, you might try that.

I think it is the thread started by Coach in JFO.

I still have all the passwords and info. I honestly haven't been checking it the last two weeks, because I was basically done with the M. It was too exhausting checking it so often and I could tell it was dragging way too far down. I still check the VAR once a while and scan it for anything

Anyways, I just checked the phone today after work and I found the am text string way down in her convo history (it wasn't deted). It said exactly what she said it did on that convo with her other friend. Nothing new since.

IUH

Just curious. Not sure if you are considering R, but aren't you a little concerned she never told you he contacted her and are you not concerned he can reach out to her at any time because her numbers have not changed.

And are t you curious that if you ask her if he has tried to contact her if she told you the truth. If you are still divorcing her, I understand why that does not matter.

But if you are watching what she does I would think lying to you by omission might be a little troubling. Reading books is one thing. Fielding phone calls or texts from OM without telling you is actions.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 6:51 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

Her reason for not telling about the text is to not rock the boat. She didn't reply and doesnt care about him.

Amazing how too many WSs think lying is the best option. But she knows you have her passwords and you can see any and all of her texts anyway.

I disagree with Craig on this one.all you have to do is ask her a simple question. If Craig is right she will say exactly what he said.

If she says he has not contacted her, then she is lying

You are not checking every day anymore. It is understandable how time consuming and mentally exhausting it can be.

So are you comfortable with not knowing when he reaches out to her for her not to tell you

The correct response for her wound have been to tell you and not respond at all. Or again for him to get a message as undeliverable because you changed the number.

IUH, I am not sure where your head is at on R or D but you should not get naive and complacent here because she bought a few books. All of this has happened since he broke up with her but he continues to reach out to her.

He will continue to put out feelers and she will not tell you.

One questions will answer whether she just did not tell you because she knows you have password. Either she says that or she lies.

You ought to be curious enough to ask