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I know exactly how you feel. I have felt that bitter jealousy as well. We are trying to have a baby right now, and every period that comes is another heartbreak... however, there is a woman I use to work with who has seven kids, two sets of twins, only one child lives with her. The others have either been taken by the state or family. The one kid she does have was molested by her first felon boyfriend who had just gotten out of jail (she is currently on her second felon boyfriend who is still in prison).

I have often wondered "Why her?? Why not me???" It's hard. *hugs*

(((Jana)))

(((((((((Jana)))))))))))

I wish I could take the pain away for you. Be gentle with yourself.

(((Jana)))

Aww honey, I feel your pain. I've been lucky to have the three I have but the four I lost are always in my heart. I too wanted a huge family of 5-8 kids. But pregnancy was not kind to me and each of my pregnancies were greatly complicated. I had to stop at three. I still want more. I still get jealous and upset when someone has textbook perfect pregnancy/delivery and gets a healthy little one to show for it. It's not as sharp as it used to be, but it's a very raw emotion for sure. I'm so glad you're going to specialists. I know there's answers for your losses and I hope they'll help you get them.

Please don't ever feel like you don't have the right to your emotions because " other people have it worse", yes other people have had different experiences, but your "worse" is what you are dealing with, not theirs.you have every right to work through your pain, at your pace, your way. It may help you to do something to honor and memorialize your children, planting a tree or flowers, doing a balloon release or lighting a candle, anything really to acknowledge to yourself that they were real, wanted and are missed.

It'll get better, one day you'll realize that while the losses hurt like hell, the sting isn't quite as sharp as it used to be.

I'm so sorry. I had fertility issues too...it's a special hell. Please take care of yourself and know that you sound like such a terrific mom. Big hugs.

So last night I was reading aloud to DH the description of what the doctors do at genetic counseling appointments (I have an appointment on June 5) and he changed the channel and turned up the volume on the TV while I was talking. I was so hurt and I'm still hurt today. I was talking about something else right before that and I think he just wasn't paying attention to what I was saying but still. I just got up and went to bed. I'm hormonal (still testing positive on pregnancy tests) and in emotional pain, and that makes him uncomfortable. He's on prednisone for an allergic reaction and I know that can make people irritable/grumpy. I just feel like not talking to him about this, ever, because he doesn't understand.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:09 AM, May 16th (Friday)]

((((((Jana)))))))

Actually, Jana, I'm relieved to see you expressing some anger and jealousy. Although not necessarily comfortable emotions, they are certainly appropriate emotions. And yes, this is wildly unfair. Are there things that are equally unfair, more unfair? I'm sure there are. But those are somebody else's unfair. This is yours. And it hurts. And it makes you angry.

I have a strong suspicion that you are one to hold things in. Not just not talk about them...but actually try to make them BE ok. -- "Make the best of it." "Look on the bright side." "Hey, it could be a lot worse." -- Yes?

Just to give you perspective, this is wildly dismissive. Almost cruelly so.

You need to grieve.

Maybe the place to start is by not trying to make this be ok.

As for your H....is he truly insensitive - or is he just trusting the impression that you have been giving him? If the above description is true, telling him how you feel/how you are doing, will feel (to you) more like coming completely unglued.

ETA: The trigger in this particular situation (vs. seeing the woman with six kids and a new baby in the grocery line) is that this particular person represents TWO things to you: Loss (unfriended on FB) and Lack of something you greatly desire (ease of pregnancy). Both concepts have come together in one place...which makes it harder to dismiss the feelings.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 9:59 AM, May 16th (Friday)]

I have a strong suspicion that you are one to hold things in. Not just not talk about them...but actually try to make them BE ok. -- "Make the best of it." "Look on the bright side." "Hey, it could be a lot worse." -- Yes?

I'll talk about things with people but then I feel bad to be so negative, so I usually spend the latter part of the conversation convincing them how fine and ok I am.

As for your H....is he truly insensitive - or is he just trusting the impression that you have been giving him? If the above description is true, telling him how you feel/how you are doing, will feel (to you) more like coming completely unglued.

He can be somewhat insensitive. But when I was having bad bleeding and needed to take it easy, he was really helpful and understanding and kind. Now he's kind of in the mindset that it doesn't help to get angry and upset, that it'll happen when it happens, that we'll talk to the doctors about it and do what they say. That's all very rational and it is all true but I do not have an off switch for my emotions.

He's gotten better about being sympathetic. When I told him about how the pharmacy tech who filled my prescription was visibly pregnant and also blabbing on about her toddler, he told me how much that sucked and how unfair it was - and then after that, the same damn day, right after my "your baby is dead" confirmation ultrasound (which actually turned into "you passed your baby at some point and didn't even realize it" ultrasound) when we had to close on the loan for our house, and the freaking title company girl was about 8.5 months pregnant and ALSO going on about her 2-year-old - yeah, as soon as we left the office he told me how shitty that was and how he felt bad that I had to sit right there and sign papers while looking at her damn belly the whole time.

So he can be sympathetic. He can also be not so much. He knows I'm upset. I don't usually pretend to be ok when I'm not with him.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:17 AM, May 16th (Friday)]

((((hugs))))

You are NOT a failure and you ARE an amazing mother!!

I am sorry you are hurting. Let out the anger, feel the anger. It will do you no good to stuff down the anger and grief that you feel. m You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to rail against the unfairness of life that you are experiencing right now. And yes, you are also allowed to be a bit jealous and envious -- that is human nature. Just do not allow the jealousy to consume you.

Jana, have you told your husband how hurt you were when he decided what he was watching on TV was more important than what you were talking about regarding the genetic counseling?

This is an appointment that affects him, too.

You clearly wanted to discuss what they might do or say, so you could be prepared for your appointment, and he dismissed you.

I get upset if my fiance does that when I'm babbling on and on what we should do for dinner. If he did that when I was trying to discuss something important, I would go from zero to crazy bitch in about 2 seconds.

((((((Jana)))))))

When he turned up the TV I just got up from the couch and gave him a look - he said, "What?" and I said, "I was trying to talk to you about this appointment and you just turned up the TV, so obviously Shark Tank is more important than what I was talking about," and then he said something about how he didn't care about some online recommendation of this certain doctor (that was what I was talking about BEFORE I started talking about the appointment, and I think at that point he tuned me out and assumed I was still talking about that). At that point I was mad and I went to bed. I was still mad this morning and he was still asleep. I'm still somewhat mad now but I'm at work. After DD goes to bed I'll be taking more misoprostol and hopefully finishing off the physical part of this miscarriage so that won't be a great time to talk. I don't think I have enough energy to make this my hill to die on right now.

((((((Jana)))))))

*sigh* Men can be so..................ANNOYING and FRUSTRATING at times.

You're right though, sometimes you have to pick what's "worth" the fight and what isn't.

I know he'll support me to the best of his ability. He's not always going to be the best listener/empathizer. We all have our strong points. I run into stationary objects with the car on a fairly regular basis and he still loves me.

Last night, I overfilled the garbage bag, as he was telling me "that's too much stuff, just get a new bag." And when I hefted it out of the can, it burst and spilled garbage all over the floor.

He just looked at me and batted his eyelashes.

I told him "Not a WORD!!!" and I just cleaned it up.

Used 2 bags.

(((Jana)))

LOL itainteasy. That sounds like a day at my house.

Dark Inertia, I had thought I replied - I wish you luck and hope that you get your BFP (big fat positive) very soon! That is disgusting about your coworker, the distribution of babies is definitely unfair.

Oh Jana, I'm so sorry. :(

I know exactly how you feel. I spent two hours at the clinic today waiting for my SIS test to determine if we can even go ahead with IVF because all of my testing has expired from when we started with this clinic a year ago. Meanwhile DS asked me yesterday, "Mommy, I really want us to have a baby. Can't you just decide to have one?" He has no idea about all the miscarriages.

I have those feelings of jealousy and almost always feel bad about them, but I am trying to give myself permission to feel them because it helps me get through them faster.

(((hugs))) to you.

@JanaGreen

Even if it doesn't happen - I do have this wonderful kid. Who sleeps through the night and is potty-trained. Life's easier with a preschool kid than with a baby.

^^this lol I babysit my little niece and I think hell I couldn't do this baby thing again--everyone is self sufficient and potty trained-I cant go back there..lol but I totally understand the want. When I get the urge-I just borrow her It will happen for you!

((hugs))