SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everybody... yes last week came and went fast. Here's the update. I changed the locks on Monday morning. Not a day too soon, she came to the house on Tuesday unannounced at a time she knew I was at work. Needless to say she was quite angry when she learned her key didn't work. She claims to have only needed a few things. I told her i would meet with her in person to talk about it. I wanted to make it known to her that she does have access anytime she wants to. I was not barring her from the house.

So on Wednesday after my IC appt I met her at her house and talked. She was upset over not having access anymore but didn't even ask for a key. I drove her back to the house to get some things she said she needed and of course I tried talking a little to see if there was anything there. She broke down crying not because of anything with our relationship but because I would accuse her of stealing from me. Also she snapped and got really defensive when I asked her if I needed to get tested. Its painfully clear this woman has absolutely no love or care about me any longer. I asked her on the way to the house.. what would you think if I was with someone else? Just to see if I can get any emotion from her.. she said actually that would make me happy. Our marriage isn't even a afterthought any longer.

Anyways when I dropped her off I asked how the TS was working and she stated it really wasnt, that she was just done. No remorse for the affair just stating "I can't change what happened" So with little choice I reluctantly agreed to push forward with the D. Her position this entire time was that she just wanted out didn't want lawyers and such involved.

I called my cousin who is a judge and has a connection through a friend that can do a no fault divorce for next to nothing as long as no lawyers are involved and there's no disputes. I call her to tell her the news. She says "wow can't believe you started it so fast, well I may want to talk to a lawyer so I know my rights". Someone's obviously chirping in her ear to try and get money from me.

and sadly still I'm not over her. Still hurts like crazy and I want to R but I'm realizing there is no choice.

It is early in your marriage and this is happening...

This fact alone makes it painfully obvious that her behavior has nothing to do with what kind of partner you were in the marriage, it was nothing you did or didn't do..

Whether you R or D you will have to deal with the fact that this happened...IMHO many people need the help of a good IC to sift thru the facts, the anger, resentment, to have a safe place to vent..For some couples an A or the intent to have an A is too big of a wound to overcome for keeping the relationship intact..

Please protect yourself legally, doing so is something that could keep your entire livelihood ( as you know it ) from spinning out of control...

"wow can't believe you started it so fast, well I may want to talk to a lawyer so I know my rights". Someone's obviously chirping in her ear to try and get money from me.

Sorry to hear she didn't change her mind or wake up from this.

I was hoping that her wow, cant believe you started so fast actually meant she was having seconds thoughts.

Most likely, you are correct and there is someone giving her wrong ideas.

Call a couple of realtors if you'll need to sell your house & get a guestimate of how much and how long on market on average......and duh, lightbulb moment, there you are, is this the reason your wife wants to quit her job? Since her GF hasn't done a real divorce yet, she may be an expert at nothing and clueless. I hope your wife (or the GF) doesn't think she'll be entitled to spousal support. I don't know what state you're in, but a number of states I've looked at don't even count the marriage time until after 5 years.

Anyways, the guesstimate from the realtors will give you something to go by if you're trying to do it sans attorneys. Bring in the attorneys & you'll have to hire an appraiser which generally comes in lower, whereas your local realtor knows how some popular features will bring in more dollars, etc. etc. Now if for some reason you need to stall the sale of your house, PM me & I'll tell you (or anyone else) how. I used to be a realtor.

I know this totally sucks & if you were on this site for a longer time or made it through a Dday or 2 or 3.....and then R'd, you'd know the lines she hands you & her attitude are BS. Straight out of Cheater's 101. As for the STD tests, yeah you need to. I watched a couple of seasons of the L Word & even tho it's an (un)reality show there was enough switching up that would convince me to take one to be on the safe side, just for herpes alone.

Another lightbulb moment..you know her best but 1) Think about keeping all your details about settlement close to your vest & then maybe hire a mediator & make it your "signing" day & things are done, over, kaput...so the GF is totally excluded from new incoming information & can't influence your wife.

or 2) If you can't avoid that, I'm wondering if she might be less swayed anytime something comes up that you think GF has influenced or inspired if you chide her & razz her a bit, such as "Gee, and (here you called me controlling)(I hope you never called me controlling) because you're really a puppet on a string now, eh?*chortle*" She's still young and may want to appear the strong, independent woman to you under these conditions & may pull away from her Dom GF...maybe.

Anyways, good job on the locks BUT is this okay in your state? I just have visions of you coming home to a busted door and your belongings missing, if not half, but instead in their entirety. I just hope she's so overwhelmed at this point, she won't fight for your sake. If you need another failsafe & stall, without legal papers, if you have to give her a key, well then install some outside the door locks rather than the doorknob locks. That should buy you more time. For what, I don't know, just throwing it out there hehe. Best wishes & thanks for the update!

Well I figured I would keep the house. I can afford it on my own, and its all in my name. Her name was originally going to be listed but the lawyer for the house dropped the ball on getting her on the deed. Being only in the house a year there isn't much equity in the house, it would cost me more then its worth to sell it. I'm not up on divorce law for housing but I cant imagine I have to "buy her out" when we have only been in a year and put down the minimum. Unless I sell it and hit HER up for half the closing costs.

I should be good on the locks, I had to make it clear to her that she has access anytime, she wasn't barred but I wanted to be present. That's a good idea about asking if shes the puppet on a string for a change. Every decision I asked her to make always seemed to need a committee. I'm sure shes consulting the GF on what to do.

Sigh. Posts like yours make me so sad and I ache for you. I identify as a gay woman but truth be told I feel bisexual. I was just quite the prude and have only been with my fWS (same sex).

When I was in college (late 80s) I was engaged to a man. I finally broke it off with him because I came to the conclusion that I felt I leaned more towards the gals than the guys. And yes he knew this. I just never wanted to put someone in the circumstance you are in.

She knows she was attracted to women. You know who you have sex dreams about, fantasize about, etc. it's not like she's a teenager anymore. That being said I'm sure she loves you very much. I loved Todd very much. And I loved him enough to set him free to be happy with someone who deserved him.

While she decides if she's going to set you free or rededicate herself to your relationship you need to engage the 180. And be prepared she might choose to go. And even though it may hurt now it could free you for true happiness. And remember you can make the decision yourself that this is a deal breaker. And also remember this is about her brokenness with accepting herself, at betrayal, etc. and is NO reflection on you.

Hugs to you!

It's been taking awhile but I'm now getting to the point where I'm realizing it wasn't my fault, and there wasn't a thing I could of done. Haven't heard anything from my WS, no texts or anything. I suppose its onward to D to get this nightmare over with. I still have everything in the house just as she had it before she left. Starting to get depressing looking at it all. I probably tortured myself further but I looked at our past text messages and back in late April she acted extremely well, not a glimmer there was a problem. Even asked me if it was ok if she got a drink with the now girlfriend. Of course I said sure why not.

Then my world collapsed a week later. Trying my hardest at the 180, on the 14th it will mark the 1 month period. Been trying to get out and do things, but must still be fresh. Can't get it off my mind. Only time will tell.

T/J Wow, Purple, that was nice of you to post from a different perspective and gave me, personally, insight from anew angle. I think you're right and that his wife involved him, unknowingly, in her game. That being said, everyone deserves to live authentically, imo. I just don't think THIS is how she should have gone about it. Thank you for pointing out how she COULD have handled it.

End T/J

Op, I hope you move on and find someone to cherish and that will cherish you as well. Peace to you.

Why not start packing her stuff, make things different for you. I am sorry it is so close to dd for you, and a shocking turn. Remember no contact no new hurts. Hugs

I also appreciate your post, Dr. PJ. Thank you for saying you are bisexual. It bothers me so much when someone says they don't believe in bisexuality. I mean, I get that, but for ME? Reading those words is like a stab in the heart...even if it's "just" someone's opinion. There are moments when I have doubt, and Im terrified my FWH will come home and tell me he is gay. Gay=divorce. I deserve more..and he deserves to be true to himself. Bisexual..and faithful to me..I can work with.

I also want to say that while OP's WW may have unknowingly involved him in this, it's just as possible she knew she was/is gay and married him so her family and friends would never know who she really is. That she used OP for her own selfish reasons.

When I was younger I successfully had a relationship with a Bisexual woman. The reason I believe it was successful was the fact that she was very honest upfront about her sexuality. When we broke up after a year or so it was very amicable and we stayed friends. The reason we broke up was because she wanted to be with women and told me so. For some reason her honesty made things very easy for me to accept the break up. I actually kissed her goodbye, wished her the best of luck and meant it. I think a lot of these situations could be avoided if people were just honest..... especially with themselves. And no matter what a persons preferences are, cheating is simply wrong. While it may hurt to hear your partner wants to be with another, perhaps even more so if they want a same sex relationship. Its sure as hell is better then finding out your being cheated on.