SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, he did cheat on his first wife. I guess I was too naïve to believe it would happen to me but as the old saying go “once a cheater, always a cheater.” We went to counseling today. It was an initial visit so counselor could evaluate us and determine what steps to take. We all decided that we each needed individual counseling and we will take it from there. I was only able to vent some of my frustrations for a short time when counselor met with us separately but it helped a little. He seems to think that since he went everything is OK. I’m at a lost on what to do. The counselor will be on vacation next week so we won’t see her again until two weeks. In the meantime, I have an appointment with an attorney on Thursday for an initial consultation. I’m working on a plan b just in case. This really sucks!!!

I always booked a double session with our MC, it helped.

Sorry you're here

Should I stop snooping? Since he will not give me all the details (I‘m more interested in how long, not with whom), I did some research on my own and it’s worse than I thought. I’m devastated. This has been going on for at least two years although he denies it. He swears that it’s over and wants to do everything he can to win me back. It’s been a few weeks since I discovered his indiscretions. I’ve been really calm but yesterday I had to leave the house for a while after my snooping resulted in more unsettling information. I drove around and parked and cried for at least 15 minutes. I then pulled myself together and went back home. I didn't want him to see be breakdown. He doesn’t seem to understand why my mood changes. He thought everything was OK between us. He wants to win me back. He doesn’t realize that his past is my present and as I find out more it hurts more.

I'm sorry, Sunny. I would not stop snooping unless you've decided to divorce. I'm afraid you may find that this behavior has gone on for the entire length of your marriage. And he is still lying to you by not coming clean about everything. Don't rugsweep this. Don't assume that he plans to stop, either.

[This message edited by I think I can at 10:46 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

I think I can:

My gut is telling me the same. This morning while we were waiting at the train station for my train to arrive: he asked me what was wrong. Are you OK? I said no, I’m not OK. I told him I thought he probably been doing this our entire marriage. He texted me stating that I was wrong. I told him to prove it to me. Now he stated that he doesn’t know what to do. I told him. I don’t know either. He said to give him a chance “we can make this work” I told him “no promises…BUT…I’ll do my best... He said “I will be patient. I intend to win you back. One day at a time. And I'll never ever give you cause for not trusting me."

I still have an appointment scheduled tomorrow for an initial consultation with an attorney.

I'm so sorry. I too found out my husband had been using prostitutes. First he said it'd been going on for two years than nine years than it's been fifteen years! We've been married 22 years at the time. I still wonder if it goes back to when we met. He swears that's the truth he started after my second child was born. I told him if I find out anymore lies I'm gone and if he told me now we would deal with it. He offered to take a polygraph to prove it. I haven't decided if I want to go that far. You can suggest to him to take a poly to prove that he's telling the truth. His reaction should tell you if he's lying or not.

Have him take a polygraph.

Sunny & Devasted Mom:

My "husband" did the whore thing too. Horrible. Awful. Excuses of, all men think of it or do it. That may or may not be so as I am not all men, however, that particular man said the vows "forsake all others".

Problem was - even before we were married, the whores were there. We have been together since forever and it starts out with porn, as step 1, strippers step 2 (if strippers are in your town and most likely they are somewhere in your town or around the corner), "massage parlors" - aka = whore houses (yes, the whores will give a massage to the women and sex to the men and by the way, happy endings are usually sex - not just the tug and rub - they make more money if they give the john the full service as it's called, step 3, also includes aside from the massage parlors, the street hookers, the anon sex on line or at strip parlors.

Def. do the poly - when is up to you.

These men, in my opinion are addicted to the high of risky sex - even if there is a condom. Having anon sex is risky. You are their Mommy, their life partner, and quite possibly the "love" of their life - but they must also have their cake, cupcake, muffin or candy bar. Their whores are their addiction. The reason why these men use whores is because there is no "risk" to the johns. In their minds - it's harmless sex and not as bad as a real relationship with a real woman who may want more than sex, which is the usual, as women who want sex only are very rare or are paid.

So you are their relationship. The whores are their fun - like computer games, or going to the park, or playing golf or fishing. That is really how they see it. It's crazy to us, but it is their f*cking hobby. Some are so into it that they write details on websites to which they pay so they can give the whores a rating system. Again, it is their f*cking hobby. I had actual hobbies. My f*ckhead, I mean, "husband" had sex workers - with their toned bodies and small butts and beautiful faces - that was his thing - he paid for the most beautiful he could. A lot of men are not that picky. Mine, of course, with his big d*ck ego, only paid for the perfect bodies.

And mine, of course, was also f*cking whores when I was pregnant. Imagine if my dear child ever found that out = it would devastate her. Horrible. But that is how into it these f*ckheads are. It's harmless and their not in a "real" relationship and really, is it cheating? I mean, sunny, how else could he be so "what's the big deal about it"?

Yes I'm still with my d*ckhead. I have a very young child whom I cannot support on my own and she would be devastated if we were to separate. She is so smart that 2 years ago when she was 2 she heard us arguing a lot and thought we were going to separate and I thought I was going to have to take her to counseling. So I stopped all major arguing with d*ckhead. We sleep in sep. bedrooms. He goes to 2 sex addict and 1 group counseling a week. I hate him and despise him and actually remind of that at least once a month. Otherwise, we get a long quite well - I know how laughable that is, but it is possible - as crazy as that sounds. I have a great life other than the fact that picked wrong. But aside from that, really, my life is very very good. And my "husband" is afraid of me. I love that so much. But my child is perfect, thank you.

So, what else amy I saying? If I didn't have a child under age, I'd be long gone. I am all for marriages staying together even under such horrible circumstances (cheating). But if I were not tied to him via a child....ummm.....LAWYER HERE I COME AND OUT THE DOOR YOU PR*CKHEAD.

All my love, sunny. You are so strong - you just don't know it yet. But you will see it in 6 months or so and I do predict that you will be - lawyer, get those papers goin'.

Devastated Mom: You rock. You are so strong. Keep going for your kiddos, man, cuz no one can like you. Just imagine if you did separate - you would be so worried what would be happening to them when you weren't there. Sure your husband may be under control now and "cured" now - but without you - who knows and do you want to know. Keep strong, girl.

Again, financial,separation and protection for YOU should,be a major part of that meeting. He's a proven liar, and I'm sure you know what the road to Hell is paved with. His recent comments are nothing more than good intentions and probably worse like a desperate attempt to keep,the gravy train from leaving the station without I'm aboard.

If I were him, I'd fear a demand for an accounting of how much of your money he wasted getting his knob polished. Make him provide that and assume it will be grossly understated. Was he stupid enough to charge the hotel,rooms?

Schadenfreude,

That's how I found out. We were booking a trip on hotwire, I logged into his account and "lo and behold" a list of recent local hotel transactions popped up...you should have saw his face when I confronted him with it.

Hi sunny58. Very sorry you are going through this. I just read through your thread. Sounds like you have some details but you are still learning what happened. All very painful to say the least.

Which leads to lots of confusion. What to do? You have gotten some good advice about finances, sounded like your first instinct to see lawyer which you are doing, both going to IC, etc. These are all good first steps in moving forward. Especially short term.

You don't have to make any long term plans yet, but you can certainly start to plan. What would you like the living arrangements to look like, any pets to deal with, practice things that need to be dealt with you can start to plan for. Let him know you are planning and ask him hard questions about it until you decide. You've both been down this road before. It's just planning for a future.

Equally you can plan for staying together. What are the boundaries you need in place in order to remain with BH, what are your emotional needs, etc.

And you can still go with your gut short term which is to file for D. You can still stop the process at any time you want if you change your mind later.

Very sorry you are going through this Sunny. Keep posting even if it's just to vent.

yop

Thank you again everybody for your love and support. I really need it and appreciate it. Don’t know what I would have done if I had not found you. I’m in the “snooping stage” and posted on the General Blog asking whether or not I should continue. It is addictive and it’s driving me crazy. My emotions are all over the place. I have found some damning information and it’s really hard now. He still has not told me the whole truth, just acknowledged the fact that he was unfaithful. It’s going to be another sleepless night and hopefully I will get over this soon.

I demanded the truth last night and I got it. It hurts like hell. I got the OW phone number and called her. She answered but once I introduced myself she hung up. Later she texted me and we had a short conversation. After going back and forth and realizing I knew more than she thought she was more open. She stated that WH had ended their affair and stated that he really loved me. She claimed that her intent was not to “break up a happy marriage.” When I asked her why she had an affair with him and she knew he was married, I didn’t get a response. All she kept saying was that he loves you, he loves you, not me. He met her on Yahoo dating site

Also, I confronted him about the numerous escort numbers in his date planner. He stated that he was not seeing escorts. He was just viewing online.

He swears that he loves me and only wants to be with me. I told him I was seeing a lawyer but he insist we can work this out. He kept stating that he loves me. The OW kept telling me the same time. Do you think this is a "smoke screen?"

I still have a consultation scheduled this afternoon with a lawyer. Do you think I should still go or try to work this out?

Also, I confronted him about the numerous escort numbers in his date planner. He stated that he was not seeing escorts. He was just viewing online

Yeah that's what mine said years before Dday when I caught him looking at escort ads for our area "I'm just looking" its grade A bullshit! but because I didnt think my husband was that much of a degenerate creep I didn't follow up

Why would he need their numbers if he was just looking?

Don't believe it. My WH had tons of numbers written down and programed into his phone so if one dial a whore didn't answer he could just move on to the next one, thats how it he explained it to me.

Maybe he does love you, Sunny. But that doesn't mean he is telling the truth about "just looking." He says he's going to win you back? How is he going to do that? How about giving you copies of ALL his financial information for the past 10 years. Giving you all his passwords to all his accounts? Giving you his laptop and phone to be yours? Taking a polygraph?

If he IS telling the truth--he should be BEGGING for a chance to prove it, by doing the things above and more.

Update on my visit to Attorney yesterday:

At first I was nervous even second guessing myself about whether or not I was doing the right thing. The attorney was very comforting to speak to. I was not rushed and he said that I could talk as long as I wanted. Not the standard 30-minute initial consultation. I took my time and even showed him all the evidence I had and he just shook his head. He responded just like all you wonderful people here on this site and afterwards I felt better. I decided to go forward with the divorce. I paid the fee and I’m OK with everything. I will not tell WH until the paperwork is complete and I will be the one serving documents to him. (Hopefully attorney will be able to get everything prepared next week). In the meantime, this might be a long weekend or next couple of weeks for me pretending that we are OK. He is being extremely attentive now. Unfortunately for him I discovered more damning evidence which confirms to me that I’m doing the right them. I feel a little guilty keeping this secret but he’s been keeping secrets from me for years. What a happy Father's Day this will be

(((Sunny))) Try to take care of yourself, especially this weekend. Whatever you decide, keep in mind this has nothing to to with YOU and that you need to protect yourself. Seeing a therapist to help you cope with the trauma of betrayal may help you and give you support as you ride this roller coaster.

I am SO sorry, Sunny. I know you are in such pain. But I am proud of you for facing the situation and taking care of yourself. (((Sunny)))

The weekend was really hard. I had my family over for father’s day and I did my best to have a good time. Nobody knows but me and him. Had many triggers especially on Saturday but got through them. He had to go out of town Monday and will return today. Thought it was good for me to be alone. Needed sometime without his presence. Only problem was that it gave me time to do some major “snooping”

I am beyond devastated on what I found. I actually found a Comcast invoice with “her” name on it. A sprint invoice for a new phone and activation info. He had a printout of his Amex Express bills for his 2013 taxes. Guess what? Hotels, restaurants, clothing stores. I guess he must be paying all her bills. She must have thought she found her “sugar daddy.” But what she doesn’t understand that he’s a broke SOB whose been living off his wife all these years…All these years he never once offered to pay the bills. His excuse was that he was either behind in child support or spousal support from his first marriage, the IRS was on his back or business was on a downturn. I thought he was involved with “escorts” Now it seems he had one main squeeze who he claims meant nothing to him. I found her address and phone number but will not confront her. He’s to blame. I paid everything all these years because he was in so much financial debt. What a fool I was. I’m done. He can’t sweet talk me out of this one. He wants us to go to see the pastor tomorrow so he can seek forgiveness and prove to me that he is sincere. Sorry buddy…I will have a hard time forgiving…that's a matter for God...I'm only human

Too bad it’s taking the lawyer what seems like forever to draw up the initial paperwork. I am beyond humiliated and he still wants to reconcile because everything I’m discovering is in the past. Some of this stuff happened in April/May!!! He doesn't understand,this is my present!!!!

Just keep taking care of yourself and do what you can so that you feel safe.