SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You all know I've messed up a bunch. Since last week BH has changed so much. I've mentioned we both have tattoos and I have several piercings. We always made sure the other was alright with any additions we made. We had "wedding bands" done. Early this morning he was outside by the pool waiting for the kids to come out for the bus. I noticed he had his removed. His ring finger is red and scarred. He wasn't wearing a shirt (he had been swimming). He had my name over his heart just last month. Now he has a badge there. He has lost a lot of weight, and he wasn't fat before. His muscles have muscles and his six pack is now twelve. He looks better than ever, but is a little to thin. He is Swat 2.0, except he isn't quite the same.

He's changing because he needs to and I understand it. I know he has to do certain things to heal and he has always worked out to relieve stress. This morning he barely acknowledged my existence. Our only conversations are about the kids. I understand he needs to detach from me, I've been so toxic to him.

It may sound stupid and kind of selfish but seeing his finger and new tattoo, I feel like I'm being erased from his life. While I understand and support him, it still breaks my heart.

I regret my actions every minute of everyday. I regret how I treated him and how I talked bad about him. I regret making all of my issues about him and blaming him for my failures as a person and as a wife. I regret the lies, manipulation, minimizing and the TT.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not whining or complaining. I'm just seeing the physical changes and his detaching. He needs to do these things and I need to accept them. I am accepting them. There are no buts or complaints.

What did you do yesterday to get healthy?

What are you doing today to get healthy?

Have you done any reading? How many chapters? Could you relate to what you read? How about research? Where are you on your "whys"?

I regret my actions every minute of everyday. I regret how I treated him and how I talked bad about him. I regret making all of my issues about him and blaming him for my failures as a person and as a wife. I regret the lies, manipulation, minimizing and the TT.

Lots of regret here SS17.

Keep working to turn it into remorse.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not whining or complaining.

Really? You might like to rethink that statement. Because there's a lot of evidence to the contrary.

Keep at it, I believe you'll get there.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not whining or complaining

And it's ok if you do. You have feelings and you have the right to express them and work through them....that's what this forum is for

Big hugs SS17, I am sure that seeing those things must have been really hard. I know that it would have been for me no matter what stage I was at.

You mentioned the small victory that you had with not calling your mom the other night and that was good.

On to Aubrie's questions, have you gotten any books to read yet? Have you started or are you working on a list of why this happened?

Sitting and dwelling on what you don't have right now and all that is changing is not healthy. Start getting pro active.

I'm sorry to hear your heart is hurting. I think it's completely understandable to grieve these very big losses. I hope you have strength when you need it to power on when your children are awake and around you.

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:51 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]

((SoSorry17))

I think it is entirely normal to feel sadness, fear, and loss when we see our BS move forward in their lives. My BH and I are currently trying very hard, and are working on R, some days more successfully than others. But there are subtle things he has done that look, to me, like I am being erased from his life.

When I first acknowledged that belief it was extremely painful. I have wrestled with it a lot. My go-to emotion is anger, and I was very angry about it. Like you I know that he is just doing what he feels he needs to do in order to protect himself. To heal, and to be okay. I have to let him have that. Just as you have to let Swat do what he needs as well.

Hang in there. It is ok to mourn your loss. You need to sit with the feelings. Process them. Then pick yourself up and be strong for your kiddos.

Oh , I've got remorse. I define remorse as a deep and painful regret for shameful and hurtful actions. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.

I've hurt the man who gave me everything he had to give. I've lied to and manipulated him. I've lied about him. No one is perfect and when BH made a mistake or wasn't attending to my needs the way I thought he should, I twisted it to fit my vision of how things had to be and used it against him. I'll never be able to fix that. I can relate to so many aspects of ww thinking. I have pushed boundaries, sought validation from others, minimized my faults and maximized his, I've withheld affection and ignored his love language. I could keep on going. He loved me through it all. He gave me a second chance even though he never gave any other woman one.

D-day he was devastated and I was scared. I realized I had finally pushed too far. But he forgave and I still didn't fix my shit. Why? Because he might still leave, I was afraid. More lies come out and yet he is still there, I'm holding on with all I've got. Then the journal and pictures, how much did I expect him to take?

I've lost the man I love more than life itself. I f'ing destroyed my cornerstone, alright. Why? I'm selfish, an attention seeker, I was sick of being just a mom. I'm a bitch who willfully went to another man because I allowed myself to. That's a shit ton of shame and hurt and I regret it.

I'm so angry at myself for this. I've ruined everything and I'll never be able to fix it or live it down.

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:51 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]

I love him enough to let him go, but he has been a fixture in my life for a very long time. He is leaving it all behind because he feels he has to, I get it. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

I'm hanging on by a thread for my kids and it sucks. If it weren't for them I would be gone by now, that is how bad I feel.

Hi SS17 - I'm new here and I've been reading your story. I totally relate to what you're feeling. When my exBH took off his wedding band in front of me, I thought I was going to physically fall into pieces.

He's changing because he needs to and I understand it.

He's changing because he's a person of integrity, and people of integrity cannot have ugliness and lies as part of their lives. He is eliminating the ugliness of your A, the lies, the TT. He HAS to because he needs to live an honest life.

What are *you* doing to fix your behavior? What are you doing to figure out why you had an A? What are you doing to live a life of integrity?

Time to stop looking at your BH. Time to start looking at you. What can you do today, right NOW, to be a healthier woman?

ETA:

I've ruined everything and I'll never be able to fix it or live it down.

Nope. This is a lie, SS17. You *will* recover from this. I am 4 years out from where you are, and I can truly say that I am a healthy woman. I am free from my past. I am no longer an adulterer. The shame will linger for a long time, but eventually you'll look back at the woman you are today and you'll want to wrap her up in a huge hug and tell her to LOVE herself...that having an A and feeling terribly about herself is NOT the way to be healthy.

And you haven't ruined everything. You've been given a chance to get healthy. Every step forward you take is one step closer to being a healthy and strong woman. You can do it.

[This message edited by walktheline at 10:26 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]

Time to stop looking at your BH. Time to start looking at you. What can you do today, right NOW, to be a healthier woman?

ETA:

I've ruined everything and I'll never be able to fix it or live it down.

Nope. This is a lie, SS17. You *will* recover from this. I am 4 years out from where you are, and I can truly say that I am a healthy woman. I am free from my past. I am no longer an adulterer. The shame will linger for a long time, but eventually you'll look back at the woman you are today and you'll want to wrap her up in a huge hug and tell her to LOVE herself...that having an A and feeling terribly about herself is NOT the way to be healthy.

And you haven't ruined everything. You've been given a chance to get healthy. Every step forward you take is one step closer to being a healthy and strong woman. You can do it.

Read this, and understand it. It is time for you to get busy. Quit looking at him.

Hi SS17

I'm glad that you are posting and getting support here.

The other posters have given you some good advice. Buckle up this is going to be a very difficult road. You are finally feeling and seeing the severe gravity of your actions.

What does working on yourself look like? This is going to take a lot of counselling and reading. I say a lot of counselling because there are some really poor thought processes that you had. They are hard to break. I did 10 months of counselling until I felt good on my own again.

You also need to make sure you are exercising as it will help your health and well being. Some people on here told me to find a hobby. It turns out my hobby is now weight training. Some people find their hobby is crafting or croqueting. That was sooo not me though. This is about finding something you like to do that will make you feel good in a positive way rather than seeking attention, validation and having affairs. If you were bored.. You needed to do something healthy not destroy your life. I didn't like my life before so I threw a few bombs in there to liven it up. Apparently it worked for all the wrong reasons. This is where you are. Find yourself. Find what makes you happy inside that doesn't involve a person validating you.

I finally feel normal again and not someone who would even consider an affair. Looking back it's been a hard journey and it's often sucked very bad but things have been improving.

Make some changes for you. No ulterior motives. Nothing for you to say "hey swat look at me changing". Just do it. Live it and learn to love it.

I don't know if reconciliation is on the table or if you are separating permanently. But if you want R. Make sure to tell him that but be supportive of his decision.

Good luck Ss17. I hope you dig in deep, put on your big girl panties and get ready to work hard!!!!

SS17

Hugs to hold you up and a ear to listen. and a hand to push you forward.

You think the world has ended, and part of your heart your soul, I believe will be damaged forever. The thing is strangely enough its okay.

However , its not okay to repeat and repeat and repeat. This is the hand to push.

Look at your children. What would you like for them to think. I know mine I hope someday, can say my Mom screwed up, there really isn't a word out there strong enough, but look what she has done. Look at the strength to pull it together LEARN and be better.

That's you.

And I am finding that if you need a little hope, maybe SWAT will see you different. Perhaps youcan be co parents together and raise beautiful children together. You can get there, Its going to take you to now look at what makes you tick, and correct those behaviors and coping. No one else can . You have to do it for you.

No different than someone with a drug or alcohol or any addiction. It won't stick unless YOU make your self better by healthy living.

The italics are for emphasis not yelling. Keep talking and sharing, and keep going forward.

The day I realized I had to make me better was the day, I got strong, and it is just happening , we are 19 months out.

So keepgoing.

Sorry for the melt down yesterday. I'm trying to be strong but its been a very long time since I haven't looked to other people for acceptance. I see BH and he seems to be handling this so much better than me. I know he doesn't trust me anymore and he has every right not to. I've accepted how he wants this to go and I do support his decisions. But I feel "two faced". I know he needs separation to heal and to him and those around me irl, I'm doing it. But inside of me I feel I need to fight it and make him want me back. BH doesn't see my melt downs and freak outs, you all do though.

I did talk with the DA's office yesterday. They are going to charge AP with stalking and another PO violation. I got an unsigned typed note in the mailbox yesterday, "I'm sorry about your pictures. It wasn't supposed to go that far. :( I just wanted to rub his nose in it. lol Your my baby xxxxxxx, call me. Luv ya." AP had a nickname for me and it started with baby, I didn't want to write it out, hence the x's. So I gave another statement and he will be charged again. AP just doesn't stop.

The thing that is humiliating about that is it refers to a tat BH got for me and it had special meaning to him. Everyday I see more and more how I have hurt BH.

I've read and read and then read some more. I can relate to a lot as well. I really do think my why's are the same as before. I have always sought validation from others. Be it the drama I needed to feel important or some scraps of affection. Last night I realized I've never had to actually cope with any adversity alone. Someone has always picked me up and dusted me off. I leaned on them if needed or pushed the boundaries for more affection or validation. Swat and I were in a rut, that happens in every relationship I know. I've never been in a relationship with someone as long as my marriage. I made up some minor "problems" in the marriage and just talked about them with everyone. AP latched on to them and I had my validation. I'm not blaming BH or AP, I made a lot a bad decisions every step of the way. AP was making me feel good by "validating" my feelings over our "problems". But then he stopped and I sought more and fell into the PA. At the time I was in a semi fog. I loved myself and I can say I never loved AP. The sex was to keep him coming back and giving me what I needed.

I want to clarify something. There really were no actual problems. The rut was just that, we were parents and spouses. That was kind of how we identified with each other for a couple of months. We had date nights and our sex life was ok. And honestly that was probably more my fault than his, that it was only ok. I guess at the time his "validation" just wasn't enough for me anymore.

This is good that you are starting to see this.Also, you don't have to apologize every time you have a meltdown here. Here is where you have the meltdowns. It is ok.

What you want to start doing now is start trying to trace back when some of this crappy behavior and thinking first started, was it in your childhood? Teenager? How far back does it go? Did something trigger it? Start doing the work of where this started, and you start unraveling the ball of what started these crappy mechanisms in you, then you set about fixing them.

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:52 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]

I want to echo what BrokenButTrying said - you are doing well SS.

I am jealous - I am more than 2 years out from DDay and still trying to get that down. When I have anxiety and guilt, my first reaction is to "confess" to my wife, but I am realizing how selfish it is.

Good for you for doing the work you need to do to heal. You will be better off for it!!

Tired girl and bbt Thanks. Its kind of funny, it doesn't feel like I've accomplished anything. But I guess and do see it a little.