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The issue isn't that she cheated 30 years ago. The issue is she won't come clean, even now. If this was someone that was basically a stranger, why protect this person?

To all, no, I doubt OP is going to divorce over this, but refusing to be honest will definitely affect the marriage. She may not realize the damage she is doing, but she is definitely damaging the relationship by keeping this secret. She's been asked, and she needs to answer.

Well said Craig and Painfulpast. Yes, the phone call, 30 years ago at 3 am. That always stuck in my mind and came to light as to why after the admission of the ONS.

Also, PFP hit the nail on the head. Full Disclosure, however painful, at least to me now is better than this limbo land scenario. As pointed out by PFP, there will always be an empty place in the marriage - without this info - whether I want it or not. The marriage will suffice, but will never be the best it could be if this issue can be resolved.

I have been married 28 years so I don't have quite the experience you do. But, no mater how tempted I was, I knew the window shut on cross examining her about her sexual history when we walked down the aisle together.

Yes, she had a history, and confessed one partner to me so that I wouldn't find out from mutual friends, at least that's how I saw it. It was early in our relationship, so if a deal breaker, she wouldn't have invested too much in me.. But as to numbers, names, places, dates, first and last, I don't know.

Sire I'd like to know, but Ithink it's too latte to start asking those questions now. And, for reasons too complicated to explain, she's met about half of my ex gf's.

You may. Know him. If you do, I don't think you want to know.

Does she show any curiosity about your sexual history?

Ever hear the phrase "let sleeping dogs lie"?

If the ONS was Ronald Reagan and Henry Kissinger, or if it was Tom Selleck or those Miami Vice guys would you feel better? Or worse than if was the high school qb.

Sorry to be flippant, but I don't see this plan ending well. Maybe it won't cause problems, and maybe I bought the winning MegaMillions ticket tonight.

Good luck. Part,of my atitide,is jealousy since I won't ask my W those questions.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 9:29 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]

Were you two dating at this time? Was she not supposed to be going out with other guys at this time?

I also have a great memory and there are still names from that long ago I don't remember. But I think if I was with a girl and she called me again, I might remember.

The problem here is that her reluctance to answer your questions honestly, is now making you wonder more and more.

When someone hides something and it is obvious, it just makes it that more curious.

Is there ANY answer that she could give you that could hurt your marriage, any answer that could ruin 29 years of a fine marriage just like that?

And I would also wonder, why in the world my wife went so far as to tell me these things and then stop from telling me the rest. Almost like, if you werent going to tell me the entire truth, why the heck did you bring it up in the first place.

This is good advice. If something that happened 30 years ago is still bothering you, then you should get the answers IF you think you can handle the truth. If she tells you something that there was a lot more, is that going to be a deal breaker and ruin your marriage at this point???

You don't want to forget about it so i would tell her she needs to tell you.

If this is haunting you then you have every right to demand an answer.

This idea that you shouldn't rock the boat because its your birthday is laughable.

I should say the marriage is on pretty much safe ground. The one suspicion that I had seemed to play out as I surprise attacked from the flank and asked nonchalantly whether this guy, a high school friend we both knew, had ever made a pass at her, while watching her reaction very closely. Unless she is the best liar in the world, I was convinced she was telling me the truth as to he had not. In a previous conversation, I mentioned an old friend that had moved to Florida had friend requested me on Face Book. She told me that he really wasn't a friend because, once at a party at his house, he made a "drunken" pass at her. Friend Request denied.

In retrospect, if you've followed this thread somewhat, when I confronted her about the pictures found, a couple of months ago, there was a completely different reaction. This is what has led me to this trickle truth suspicion as after our initial conversations, I put it behind me, although telling her that I still believed she remembered the guys name, but gave her the benefit of the doubt - I let sleeping dogs lie. That was a little less than a year ago. Let me set it up what happened after I came across the pictures and you be the judge:

I was looking through old picture albums and came across six photos of her and her girl friend at her dad's beach house. Seemingly innocent enough except two of the pictures had both her and her girlfriend in the shots implying a third person photographed them. Her timeline of putting pictures in chronographical order is spot-on. Here's where it gets juicy.

She was sitting on the couch, in a good mood when I came in with the album and sat it in front of her and asked who took the pictures. Its hard to describe how her face changed when this happened. The best description is that I saw the color drain from her face. Then... to show she knew exactly what I was implying she stated that "you are trying to drum up trouble" and then the proverbial "I don't remember who took them." But she did remember to put them into the album. More to come in the next post...

Continued...

I tossed the album aside commenting that it is quite amazing what she can and can't remember. Then I just waited. She went, laid on the floor doing some back exercise the chiropractor showed her and out of the blue, without being asked, she states that she thinks her mother must have taken the pictures. It was as though during the exercise she was doing, in her mind, she was scheming a plausible answer to my question. Her answer fails because 1. This trip was during the week and her mother worked then; 2. Her mother, bless her heart, could never center a photo shot as they were ALWAYS skewed to the left (vision issue?)to the point at family functions, she asked others to operate the camera; 3. One picture is of her friend laying in the sun for a tan, and it is clearly a good shot of her butt. Why would her mother take such a pic? So the answer fails. To be continued...

Continued...

I must have rolled my eyes and the rest of the night was cold. The next day at work she texted me and asked how I was doing. I answered with I was that thinking about the conversation last night and was depressed as why it was so hard to just get a straight answer. She then replied that she really thought her mother took the photos and that I should just let it go.

Just to be sure you know what this plays an important part in my world know this: The story was that she and her friend went to stay at her dad's beach house for about a week. This is according to her: the two decided to go dancing at a club down there where they met two guys who subsequently took them back to their motel where they coupled off and had sex. Afterwards, the girls left where she says they went back to her dad's place and she calls me at 3am to ask about the state of our relationship. She fully admits, with some detail, the sexual encounter and with that being said, this is why the question begs as what could be so bad after admitting that? Continued...

What I think happened: She was never telling the whole truth about who went on the trip. I think the guys were part of it the whole time and she made up most of the story about the dance club scenario to lessen the blow... you know... a ONS is a little less damning than a week long excursion. The photographer was likely one of the guys and that's why she made up the bogus answer, IMHO. The guy she was with knew her brother from the HS football days,, and later called her for a date when she returned home, so she had to give him her number. She remembers all that, told it to me, but doesn't remember his name. She knows his name... she just won't tell me. Rehashing this just works me up- I hate this feeling. I would definitely love to hear what the ladies take on this is...

I read somewhere (most likely here!) that in order for the BS to heal, the disclosure has to be complete, as much as it pains them at the time. It hurts, but you need to know to start healing. She needs to be open and honest with you, otherwise it will eat away at you.

Really? After 30 years she STILL has to answer this? She HAS answered it - it was a ONS. Let it go.

I had a girlfriend for about two months when I was in graduate school (24 years ago)... TWO MONTHS! I couldn't tell you her name if I tried. Do you remember the name of every girl you've ever slept with?

Maybe her mom was off that day from work and did take the picture. Do you want to go back through her mother's employment records to check? Maybe she just asked someone on the beach to take the picture. It is very possible that she just has no idea - it was a moment in time 3 decades ago. To say that there is any "evidence" here of anything else is pure conjecture, nothing else.

In the end, it really doesn't matter. It's long over and you guys have, thankfully, had a long and wonderful relationship. The only problem here is that you don't want to believe her and you can't let it go.

Sorry - but I don't see ANY benefit in pursuing this. The only thing that can happen is she finally gets so fed up with your being consumed by this, 30 years after the fact, that it ends up in WWIII and continues to spoil your relationship.

Why do that? Let it go! Go enjoy your birthday, your wife and your marriage!

Hi OldSoul,

Just caught up on your entire thread. Sorry I'm not a lady... but, you know you are absolutely right on the money. This is clearly what your gut is telling you and the evidence clearly supports your gut.

I really liked that speech that you have prepared for your b-day. You should do that if this is what you need to do. It's from your heart and hopefully she will recognize that. In fact, I might even add a little tidbit about honesty and trust as a foundation of a marriage and this is why you are being honest with her about how you feel. She should reciprocate. Even let her know that it's the lies and the TT that hurt more than anything else and it's compounded by all the years. Hurts even more that she doesn't trust you with the truth. Let her know that as well.

I'm glad you found SI OS. Don't feel bad about posting and working through your story as it may not be the typical one. It's about surviving infidelity and you are on that path. My story is not a typical one either as I'm not a BS or a WS. I'm a betrayed child dealing with the aftermath of an A from 25 years ago.

Just curious, does your gut think that the PA from when you are dating and the EA from when you were married are related in anyway and maybe that's why she won't tell you?

yop

ETA - typos

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 7:46 AM, June 13th (Friday)]

OS, my opinion on why people do not reveal the entire truth about things is this: FEAR. For whatever reason, she is afraid of your reaction. Many people will say that the reason is that they don't want to hurt us. Uh, no. They don't want to hurt themselves.

I am 56, and I remember the name of every single guy I slept with before marrying my H. No, there were not many, just a few, but I remember their names. And I have had absolutely no problem telling H who they were...except for one. One guy that H and I worked with. Now, I had really done nothing wrong, I never even actually slept with the guy, but we did get naked and fool around. H and I were not even dating at the time. But somehow, H must have heard some talk at work, and after we started dating, he asked me about it. And I lied. I lied because I was afraid of H's reaction. I didn't want him to think I was a slut. And I knew that whatever H had heard that originally had tipped him off, had to have been from this coworker bragging that he had nailed me.

We have now been married for almost 34 yrs, and I just in the last few years revealed to H what had actually happened.

OS - sounds to me like you're being pretty obsessive. I wouldn't do what you're doing.

And I DO understand how this could hurt you, and hurt you badly. And it is about honesty. We want to know that our spouses will tell us the truth about ANYTHING, whether it hurts us or not.

H revealed a few years ago that one girl he dated, (someone that we still bump into occasionally) that he had led me to believe was 'just a fuck buddy' had actually traveled 5 hrs every weekend to visit him after he moved to a different state!!!! Yeah, that hurt BADLY, very badly. Not that it really changed anything in our marriage, but it, in my opinion was dishonest. Here I have been bumping into this person all these years thinking that she and H we nothing more than fuck buddies, and then I find out there was an actual relationship! That really hurt, but, knowing truth has been helpful!

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 8:10 AM, June 13th (Friday)]

Are you worried that this guy is still in her life or the possibility he has shown up again?

It is starting to sound like this is a very bad memory for your wife.

I don't see how you are ever going to let this drop now. It is festering in your mind now to the point of no return.

People with good memories like you probably have can look back and remember 30 years ago like it was yesterday...yes time does move fast, it does seem like yesterday.

Since you and her have such a good relationship, you should tell her you need this question answered and the answer will in no way hurt the marriage.

Be damn sure you mean that though. Don't go nuts when she tells you something you don't want to hear.

The color drained out of your wife's face when she saw you had the photo album, no she doesn't like this memory at all.

She did something she regrets today and regretted at 3am 30 years ago.

Reassure her that whatever the answer is will NOT affect your relationship, that you love and support her no matter what. But that you need the answer. That if it turns out that this is someone you both know, you will now be able to avoid that person, and know that whatever little secret has been kept from you no longer exists. And you will able to save yourself from the embarrassment of thinking that you were the last to know.

I am a former prosecutor. For almost every crime the Statute of Limitations would have long since run. And I am talking about very serious crimes.

I would say the following:

"There is no answer to my question that will endanger our marriage in any way. period. Please just tell me the truth, and I will never bring it up again."

Let it go.

I was going to post some conjecture about how that week went down, but then I read your last post about thinking the guys were there with them all along and realized you already had the same thoughts. So that being said, let's add a few more possibilities....

First, let's assume she knew the guy beforehand, and either he went with them or they met him at the beach. They knew each other through the brother, so they hung out. Maybe there had always been a certain attraction. Add a little nervousness about how serious your relationship was getting, would you get married, is she ready for marriage, etc., add a little alcohol, and things happen. They sleep together.

She's scared. She calls you in the middle of the night to discuss your relationship. If you don't think it's serious (the relationship I mean) maybe she would have kept this guy around as a back-up. But you said it was serious, so she realizes it's you she wants and jettisons the other guy. He calls her later, but that doesn't mean she gave him her number. As you say this was pre cell phones, and home numbers were usually listed in phonebooks (hahaha phonebooks...remember those???)He doesn't get anywhere because she has chosen you.

Now let's go a little further. He is someone you know. Maybe even someone you see occasionally and have seen numerous times over the last 30 years. He might even be someone you consider a friend.

If she tells you, can you honestly tell me that would be the end of it? Or would you start to think more about this, start to question what happened at each and every barbecue you have all been at, think about every minute where they were both out of your sight at the same time. Maybe you have kids the same age, so you start to question what happened at every kid's sporting event when she went but you didn't / couldn't. Was he there? Did they talk? Relive old times?

Are you starting to get why she might not want to re-open this wound?

I understand your desire to know, believe me I do. But I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. You're trying to get a picture of your wife as she existed 30 years ago, when you have, as you described her, a loving, faithful wonderful wife right in front of you, here and now.

Tread carefully my friend. We are, sometimes, our own worst enemies. Personally, if it were me, when your wife again asks what you want for your birthday, I would say it's to spend the rest of my life with such a wonderful woman. And maybe anal.

Do you think this could be eating at you because deep down you suspect that there is more cheating during your marriage than what she has admitted to?