SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My opinion? If I expect my husband be faithful, and I do. He should expect that he will get regular sex. And vice versa.

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

You were not a bad wife. But he was a bad husband.

People have different levels of sex drive and those may change (to more or less) over time. In a healthy marriage, this shouldn't pose a problem because the couple should be able to talk about it and compromise so that both are comfortable. Ie- no one feels neglected, and certainly no one should feel like sex is a "duty". Yuck. Is there a more un-sexy word than the word "duty"?

Just a side note... my XWH and I were having sex nightly, including on days I now know he had slept with her. He was getting plenty of attention from me, including oral etc. He cheated anyway.

So I don't believe the quantity of sex or lack of sex has anything to do with cheating. It has to do with lack of character in the WS. And that is not something you can give them, no matter how much sex you supply.

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

I expect my husband to be faithful whether or not we're having sex. I expect my husband to work with me towards a solution and/or divorce me if we can't work it out. Not cheat.

Cheating is another tool in the overall issue of emotional abuse. I should have divorced him for the emotional abuse but I waited for cheating form do emotional abuse instead.

No/low sex is not the same as cheating. It doesn't justify cheating. It does justify divorce.

The correct comparison is:

It's not ok to say we will cheat on them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

Affairs are not about sex.

I hope it is okay to ask a question here....

If I expect my husband be faithful, and I do. He should expect that he will get regular sex. And vice versa.

That kind of scares me. So do you feel that if your partner treats you horribly throughout the day, you should still have sex with him/her when they want it, otherwise you can't expect them to be faithful? I'm trying to understand....

Withholding sex could also be seen as emotional abuse.

If my husband treated me horribly during the day I would not still have sex with him. However many people who cheat say the person they cheated on treated them horribly also.

I think it's a bit about perception. I believe that it's naive to think if you are not having sex with your spouse that they won't cheat. I may be way off base but I'm sure statistics will back that up. Does that make it ok to cheat? No. But it's not ok to deny your spouse a sex life either. Saying I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you. They have needs.

Everyone jumps to the well they should just divorce then. True. However for most men they lose money and time with their children. Get run into the ground in some instances because they left. So they are damned if they do, damned if they don't.

I may have the need to feel protected and safe financially. My husband may have the need for regular sex. It's not fair for me to expect him to meet my need for him to go to work and help out financially then just say sorry I will not have sex with you. It's about compromising and making sure both people get their needs met.

[This message edited by hummingbird8 at 11:04 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

Withholding sex could also be seen as emotional abuse

.Thanks for explaining that. I do agree in some cases...if your partner is reasonably decent to you then sometimes, you may not be in the mood but you should make the effort.

My WS withheld sex. It was emotionally abusive. He withheld it from me with the excuse he had a hernia and it hurt, but he was having it with escorts and dating site partners. It did not make me seek out an affair though. I tried working on it with him and then seeing that he was not being truthful, I dumped him.

There is usually a reason that one partner is not wanting sex with the other. If the partners can discuss this in a reasonable manner and work towards a solution, then the relationship will flourish. If one or both partners are unwilling to be truthful, discuss the issue, or work towards a solution, then usually the relationship is heading towards the end.....

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

Amen to this! Sex should be a loving act between two people not used as a reward or withheld out of punishment.

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

The thing is, we should expect both fidelity AND kindness.

A lack of kindness, a lack of thoughtfulness, in the wayward partner is part of the big picture. They are thinking only about their own needs, in when and how they expect sex from their partner and also in what they do to betray their partner.

I am another who had a great sex life with my ex. We were pretty early in our relationship. I was so, so giving and game. It did not matter.

And I would not have been up for sex as much as I was if he was taking me for granted, too. People need to be given consideration and feel they are loved nad cared for to want to be intimate.

Obviously the fact that he felt that he had to be nice and it wasn't coming from a genuine place is messed up. He used to complain that he wanted to have sex every night but I wouldn't feel like it. After he got home from work he was not very nice to me. Conversations were strained...He definitely acted like a dickhead and was not the nice guy I married.

No you were not obligated to have sex on demand.

Your husband had a responsibility to woo you, if he wanted sex.

He did not. Instead he demanded it.

You husband did not have brains enough to romance his own wife.

What a dickhead.

I've been thinking on this one for a couple days, how ex-asshat saw sex. There were times he wanted it all the time, regardless of how he treated me. There were times he flat-out cut me off and told me it "wasn't right" to have sex with me when things were so bad between us (and when he was spending time with whatever OW was currently on the scene. Nice to know he felt bad if he wasn't faithful to her ). And there were times where he'd tell me things like any guy could look at me and know I'd be the best lay of his life. I think he meant it as a compliment but I can't imagine how. Reading over journal for this time, more than once, I wrote he made me feel like nothing more than a whore... and it's absolutely true.

Looking back, I can't believe what a dick he was and how I just meekly took it in order to keep him. I could have come out of that with a really bad attitude about sex but luckily, it gave me clarity on what I can accept and not accept and I think I have a pretty healthy attitude toward it.

SO treats me like gold and because of that... well, things are just fine in the bedroom department. If he was horrible to me? I definitely wouldn't be interested in any sort of reindeer games. And there's a difference between withholding to be abusive and not feeling it because your partner doesn't respect you.

Ergo... I wouldn't call it a duty but I do think it's something sacred in a relationship. I think it's rare a couple is ever completely in sync in the bedroom 100% of the time but however they work together to address it (and everyone feels like they're being heard, respected and are good with the outcome), it's all good.

So no... what gypsybird said. You were not a bad wife. He was a bad husband. And your "friend" is a jerk.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 3:51 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]

My opinion? If I expect my husband be faithful, and I do. He should expect that he will get regular sex. And vice versa.

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

I don't think these things are on the same scale at all. You are faithful or you aren't. You can't unring that bell. Who is to determine what is regular, or adequate or withholding? What happens when a soldier is deployed, a woman has a traumatic childbirth, or a husband has extenuating medical issues? What if your father passes away and you go home for three months to help your elderly mother? If those people can go months or years without sex, how can some people not go 1 WEEK?

Intimacy is fluid, ever changing, there is an ebb and flow. You have to adapt and communicate when there are issues, but it can certainly be suspended and restored if it is something you value.

Of course there are always those circumstances. I as an ex military wife know that and I didn't cheat.

I am talking about the more common, not wanting sex. The experiences I have are through some of my friends. My closest friend her husband complains and they fight all the time about her not wanting sex or giving him affection. I don't think her husband has cheated yet, but I do think he probably will. It's something he has talked to her about many many times over the years and her stance is I'm not in the mood, too bad for him.

I don't think that is fair to him. If she was trying it would be one thing but to just say I'm not in the mood every time. If he said he wasn't in the mood to go to work everyday,she would be having a fit. But because it's not something she cares about, she doesn't care.

^^absolute grounds for him to divorce her. Not to cheat. There are never any grounds to cheat.

I'm kind of surprised that anyone but an unremorseful wayward would believe there are ever any grounds to cheat.

Thanks to everyone who posted a reply. I've read through all of the posts and it's obvious that it's a really tangled issue. I had to take some time to think before replying because it's true that having that conversation with the horrible "friend" did make me feel at fault for the cause of my XH's affairs, and to doubt myself in my present relationship from her words…it took me a while to feel like Ms Strong again.

Withholding sex could also be seen as emotional abuse

1) I don't think I withheld sex as a punishment. It was more that I really felt bullied into it. Never forced to physically, but emotionally.

No you were not obligated to have sex on demand.

Your husband had a responsibility to woo you, if he wanted sex.

He did not. Instead he demanded it.

You husband did not have brains enough to romance his own wife.

What a dickhead. - seethelight

One memory the word "woo" brings up is a memory of when we were married, we talked about why we were having date nights and I said I wanted to feel the romance, to be wooed…and he laughed horribly, said how dare I expect that from him, I was an entitled princess and he doesn't have to woo me. Maybe I should have worded it as "wooing each other" but still, his reaction was a bit overboard. I really shut out THAT huge red flag.

It's funny because after years of being told I was "cold", my SO (the younger man, ahem) says how much he likes our sex life! And I know that's because we are in a healthy, happy relationship. I never feel obligated.

Thank you to all of you for your perspectives.

Great topic. XWW withheld sex, which made me not respond to her needs. Which made her withhold sex. On top of that, she was very temperamental, so everything made her upset. Still, I never cheated.

With my current wife, I made it clear that I need sex daily. She almost never withholds, and therefore every single day, whenever she asks me to do something, I remember how kind and wonderful my wife is, and I do what makes her happy.

Not only does she provide sex, but does so enthusiastically, even if she isn't feeling it. She says she loves the closeness regardless.

I digress. I am a very happy man who loves his wife. My eyes wander far less now than they used to. Not trying to match or satisfy your partner's sex drive will lead to big problems IMO.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 3:31 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

Double post.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 3:27 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

My XWH and I were constantly having sex. It never stopped. He had an affair anyway. However, after D-Day, I heard that he was telling people that we never had sex. I guess they have to justify it however he can.