SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"I guess really now I need advice on the reconciliation front" , No you don't you are not in reconciliation. your wife went no contact because you made her, she is still in her affair, you need to make the affair a bad place to be, expose the affair to everyone, and I mean everyone and let your wife deal with the fallout. the quickest way to end things with the OM is to let his wife know. OM will kick your wife to the curb. Tell your wife she is free to date as many men as she wants, but not as your wife. Invite her to move out. give her a list of your non-negotiables if she wishes to stay, she has no respect for you now, get tough, get decisive, file for divorce and let her know what she needs to do to stop it if she wants the marriage, you have got to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.

Brother you have let your WW walk all over you. Se a lawyer and get divorce papers. Give them to her and see what happens. If you do not take some drastic measures she will continue to manipulate you and dictate how things are going to go.

Seriously she convinced you to let her continue talking to some sleaze bag she banged in a motel while you were home watching the kids WTF! Dude seriously how can you allow that sh1t to fly.

Tell his wife drive over to his house and tell her do it now.

Tell her mom and dad that their darling daughter is a lying cheater and show them the proof. Tell all of your friends, hold off on telling your family for now if you reconcile they will probably not like her anymore.

Finally pack her a bag and cut her off from your bank accounts. If she has no money and no place to live sh1t will get real real fast.

Don't put up with it.

If OM has blocked you from his wife's facebook, chances are he is watching the mail too.

Send her a certified letter..one only she can sign for.

Also...that the OM is in a marriage with little to no intimacy and sex? That's what ALL cheaters say.

And very few of us BS's were in sexless marriages.

Chances are, once his wife finds out, he will throw your BW under the bus..and her fantasy will burst.

Telling his wife is imperative. Do not warn your WW that you are going to do it...otherwise, he will have warned his BW about you...that you are crazy, jealous, abusive, etc, and accusing every man your WW knows of cheating with her.

How convenient that her views on marriage suddenly changed when she became OM's mistress.

Xabbu

God gave men balls for a reason.

To use them.

Your wife does not respect you.

Your wife does not love.

Teach her some respect.

Fill out divorce papers and leave them on the kitchen table. It takes months to divorce.

You have to show her you are not afraid to lose the marriage in order to save it.

Then contact the OM's wife and give her the evidence.

Let the OMW handle him and get him out of the picture.

Then you tell your wife to come clean to her family because you are going to need their support.

She has to admit to lying.

She has to admit to cheating.

She has to admit to continuing the relationship with the OM.

She has to admit to asking for an open marriage.

Not too further hurt her like she has been hurting you but to show her just how far out of her mind and away from this marriage and family she really is.

Do not wimp out now. You need to get tougher an stomp the rebellious nonsense out of her mind.

Because right now you do not have a marriage nor a wife.

Just a mental midget that resembles your wife.

And guess what? Your wife needs a job. Because there is now way she has been taking care of the kids 100% with the way she has been carrying on behind your back.

She opened your marriage. Do not be embarrassed if your family knows.

She needs to feel embarrassed. But worse than that. She needs to feel consequences for her horrible actions.

Good Luck

HM

You are handling this completely wrong.

First, regarding open marriages. Do you constantly have to turn down women who are hitting on you for sex? Because if not, an open relationship for you is going to be you sitting at home while your wife sleeps with other men. Think about it, do you know many women who want to sleep with married men?

You are making this far too easy for her because you're scared of losing her. Here's something you should be more afraid of....losing all of your self respect because your wife treats you like shit and screws other guys.

You need to man up now. Tell her she can have relationships with all the other men she wants, so long as she's not your wife while she does it. If she wants to be married to you, she ends this relationship and any others now, not tomorrow, not the end of the week, not when she feels the time is right, NOW. If she doesn't agree, see an attorney and get papers filed. If you're wife comes around you can always stop a divorce, but you can't save a marriage while an affair is ongoing.

And by all means, tell his wife! Drive there and tell her in person, with copies of the emails for proof as he has probably already warned her about some crazy husband making baseless allegations. Once she knows, your job will be much easier because she will be monitoring him for you.

You'll read it here a hundred times, you cannot nice your wife back into the marriage. Your wife doesn't respect you. You have to show her what she has to lose. If she decides to go, then she was never going to stay in the first place, better to get it over with before you end up paying her alimony the rest of your life.

You're in for the fight of your life. You may not win, but the only chance you have is to strike fast, strike first and strike hard.

I read your story but did not read the responses. Your case is very similar to mine. I too in shock agreed and sometimes I think even encouraged her behavior. However, it doesn't take too long to realize that the pain gets worse and the situation doesn't improve. The thing that helped was telling his betrayed spouse. It STOPPED IT ALL. It woke them both up from the fog. My FWW spun out of control after that and it took her a very long time to be remorseful as she was upset at me for ruining her little party. Yes, they want their cake and eat it to.

Be strong, stand up and you're gonna have to draw the line and be tough. It's this way or the highway. It is a very tough place to be cause you know they are won over by this fantasy and can easily make the wrong choice and you pay with pain. I'm sorry man, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I feel ya.

I'm afraid that now her resent for me will grow to a point of no return

TOUGH shit!!

When you married, were there just suggestions or actual promises made to you? TWO people are in a marriage...NOT 6! Boo-hoo... she is 27 with two kids and now she's boooorrrrreedddd!

Someone like this is cake-eating, trickle-trothing and using you.

Wake up! There IS NO SUCH THING as platonic people married to others. Sex ALWAYS gets in the way.

This behavior of hers is damaging to EVERYONE involved and she is so messed up in the head this new kind of "life" sounds actually GOOD!!

To do list:

1. Out the OM to his wife like YESTERDAY.

2. GET YOURSELF TESTED FOR A FULL PANEL STD TEST

3. Go shopping for a lawyer and get divorce papers together to wake her up or get her the hell out of your life and AWAY from your kids.

4. 180 her ass! DO NOT be scared to lose her! She wasn't too scared to lose YOU!! After only 4 years of marriage?? WTF??

5. Go find a beautiful woman to flaunt in front of her. I think part of her narcisitic game here is that she believes she is "all that" and you have no one but her. SHOW her that EVERYONE is replacable if deal breakers in place.

What you do NOW, dictates your entire live. Choose wisely

I feel for you, I really do but you have to stop being a doormat and taking this abuse. She is actually abusing you, you do know this right? You're story has me seriously angry for you.

You need to file and show her you mean business. If your not down for living in an open marriage that is the only option you have unless she pulls her head from her ass.

I'm glad you sent that letter to the ladies husband and I'd follow it up by a trip to their house to tell her in person. You said your wife threatened that she'd divorce you if you did so it sounds like you don't have much to lose. Your headed for a divorce anyway unless you comply with the open marriage request which is only going to hurt you more.

I'd also out her to her mom and dad, your family and everyone else. There's a good chance that once the affair breaks out of the darkness and the fantasy fades she'll snap out of it. I wish you all the luck and hope for your sake that you stand up for yourself. I honestly don't know how you've held it together with all the shit she is dumping on you.

She has said her views on marriage have evolved over the past few months and she see's nothing wrong with liking more than one person at a time.

You then say that you do not feel the same way.

As Badhurt said in his post, you and your wife now have incompatible views on what a marriage is. Until this changes, nothing else really matters. You and your wife either need to synchronize your views on your marriage or to quote a blues song, the forecast calls for pain.

Also, I don't buy the "temporary",,just scratching an itch concept. Sure, it's temporary until she decides she's met her "soulmate" and then drops you like a rock.

My girlfriend did the exact same thing. Cheated for six months, then said she wanted an open relationship. I stupidly agreed, because I knew deep down that she'd sleep with the other man no matter what I said, but at least this way I could date other women too.

This turned out to be one of the worst decisions of my life.

A few lessons I learned, in no particular order:

Open relationships are supposed to be open. That means no lying.

An open relationship is something you negotiate at the start of a relationship, not years into it. And especially not after one partner has already found someone outside the relationship.

That's not an open relationship. That's putting a stamp of approval on an affair.

Finally, this is a one-way thing. It allows her to screw someone else, but it doesn't allow you to do the same. She may give you lip service about how you can see other people as well, but she doesn't mean it. She's counting on your preference for monogamy to keep you from seeing other women. And if you do see other women, your wife will give you grief for it and find reasons why you can't see the other woman any more. I guarantee it.

capilot - Damn right!

2yrs later and she's kinda on the fence on open relationships, but knows it doesn't work cause you hurt your spouse and you will develop feelings for the "friend with benefits". It's BS!

Put your foot down. You have to. I was so afraid to loose her but I had to at some point say "NO!". It is about respecting yourself dude.

XABBU

Well, you now have 29-30 responses to your post ALL saying basically the exact same thing so I don'think you should have to guess what the recommendations of this forum will be.

But guess what? YOU have to decide whether you want to share your wife now and in the future just so you can maybe keep her until she finds someone to leave you for, or if you want to take the actions that might make your R possible but with no guarantees.

You can wait for 100 responses. It won't change a thing

NC WITH AP

TOTAL TRANSPARENCY

COMMITMENT TO YOU

Or you can do nothing and watch her leave to go have sex with other men. Your choice

[This message edited by Badhurt at 12:13 PM, June 20th (Friday)]

I'm afraid that now her resent for me will grow to a point of no return.

Nothing is going to change till you are ready to risk losing something that FRANKLY is unhealthy and abusive for you.

180 so you can detach from her. If you don't...it will get worse. Not for her, but for you. And you will be 19months later full of bitterness and resentment for a WS that treated you like shit during the months after Dday and the fact that you allowed it just to save a M with someone you were so "in love" with.

Eventually, you will not be "in love" with her anymore. Even if you R. There will always be that dark cloud hanging over you, your wife treated you like you were the intruder in your M.

I suggest you get "How to help your spouse heal from an A." Hell, read it to her. Read it for yourself, so you know what you are entitled to. To feel entitled and validated. To know that you deserve and earn everything you are questioning and requesting.

hopefulmother is totally right. I did things her way to save the marriage. 1yr 6 months to get to remorse while meanwhile beating the shit out of my heart and soul. It has taken me a good bit to get over things since the pain was prelonged.