Hi LostSamurai, Christian here, and have big struggles with this as well. Bullied as a child, I was very bad at boundaries, and WW having CSA issues, she learned to survive by boundary violations, which brought us to a dynamic where she cheated on me and I tried to forgive while she was still foggy and unremorseful. D'ing now.
Seeing both a secular IC and my pastor. I suggest you get in contact with your pastor/minister/priest.
Definitely go to DivorceCare. I went and may do it again next year to refresh. Among many other things it explains the Christian rules on when divorce is a) Allowed, b) Advisable and the only Christian thing to do, and c) Forgivable. Spoiler - as someone else has said, once D is final, you're completely in the clear, both sin-wise and to marry someone else as a victim of infidelity (with all the healing and giving time caveats). The rules are more complex for WS than they are for you - essentially BS can remarry whenever, WS has to wait until you remarry to even consider someone else (don't fret though, they didn't while they were married so don't be surprised if they won't). This is scripture-based.
I learned (and my pastor confirmed) that D is justified in cases of infidelity, and I am under no obligation to take her back (the pastor's words). I am however advised to not see anyone (even though after D is final it won't be a sin for me) for at least a year or more, both for my healing and to give God the opportunity to work in her heart in case she changes. I agree with this advice and I'm following it.
As for books, here's a couple of resources for you that have helped me:
"The Gift of Forgiveness" by Charles Stanley. This book puts Christian forgiveness in context of consequences. Of particular interest for me was the idea that pain, consequences and forgiveness are three different things (note your WS will very likely not be aware of it, and resent you, at least in the beginning - and that's ok, not being a doormat equals not being liked sometimes, particularly by those who did us wrong or abused us). Also I learned from there that forgiveness is for yourself, not for the WS - in fact, you can forgive without ever telling WS. It can heal both, but it's WS's responsibility to heal, and if you decide there has to be (fair) consequences for WS's actions (divorce in your case), that focus on WS reconciling with God (regardless of whether she/he can reconcile with you), it is not unchristian to enforce them. It's well sourced with scripture.
"Boundaries" by John Townsend. A Christian take on healing codependency, and very concrete and applicable in its examples, with tons of scripture to guide you. Many times these problems we have as BS's (a problem saying no, a problem setting limits), are a result of poor boundaries of our own as well. Essentially we have done them a disservice by being doormats. Like a child looking for boundaries, they have acted up and our "doormattiness" has acted as enabler. It's not unchristian to set boundaries and consequences.
Dave Ramsey (yes, the Christian money guy). One of his videos in the Financial Peace university talks about Money and relationships. And because money is always such a clear issue (lack of boundaries tends to result in lack of money or bad cashflow), his talk on Money and relationships was to me very illuminating to me regarding boundaries. WS's tend to have money issues because of their overall lack of self-control.
You will also be happier and find other relationships that are suboptimal and need to fix. I'm finding this out about my father, after reading all three. He has boundary issues of his own, and I am beginning to understand why I am the way I am - and finding that very uncomfortable conversations with my dad need to happen soon.
What I'm learning is that, Christian or not, being the leader of a family sometimes puts you in the very uncomfortable position of putting consequences on people, not just your kids. It's certainly the least desirable part of being the leader of a family, but we are looked upon by providence to provide that.
I've also learned that if we understand Christianity as putting up with whatever is done to us, we simply don't understand Christianity. We are looked upon to do the right thing, and apply the same standards to others (particularly our family) that we apply to us. It's difficult. It's uncomfortable. You'll be called judgemental and a series of unseemly things - that's a fact. Even (especially, actually) by your WS. But see John 15:18.
If we Christians believe what our WS's did was evil (they're not evil people, they just did an evil thing), they will hate us when we put consequences as long as they are engaging in this evil. And as they come out of the fog they will (or will not) appreciate us more for standing for our beliefs, especially if they're also their beliefs. If they don't, God will deal with them in His time, not ours.
Finally, something that has helped relieve my anger is knowing that my justice will not come in my time, but God's. I trust Him to do the justice part, which I may never see or be a part of. I just put the consequences that regard to my own healing (I left, I'm going through with the D with a lawyer in a fair, problem-solving way, I'm keeping my kids 50/50 and doing a good job of it).
Hope this helps. PM me if you need one-on-one.
