SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for the great responses and honesty, Menz! You gave H and I lots of good conversation this weekend.

I was at the pub with hubby tonight and a woman walked across the street looking ready for the evening , if you know what I mean. A group of men gawked and elbowed each other as they looked at her. Meanwhile, the beautiful classy looking women in the bar didn't get a glance. WTH?

If you mean she was dressed like a whore, then the answer is fairly obvious.

Think of it this way: what you consider classy translates to the kind of men you don't see getting the same kind of attention at the bar that the dudebro player is raking in from all the ladies.

Why does he call and why won't he just leave me alone. I loved him and still after all the years it bothers me for days after he calls. He is not getting anything from the calls. I hang up. Why call?

Whoa! Here is my guess: he is missing something in his current relationship that he had with you. He is probably getting 99% of his needs met, but when that 1% comes up he calls/thinks of you.

Now -- this is bad juju. He SHOULD be bringing this up with his current SO and they can address it and work on it together. However, he's taking the wayward way out.

This guy is bad news. Just want to be sure that you steer clear of him.

Being on top. I avoid it because I feel like my performance is being criticized and judged and found wanting. He said once I had no rhythm. So now I feel like I have absolutely no idea what to do or how to move.

Ok. First of all (at least for me and W), sex is not good every time. Rough estimates here: I'd say 3 out of 5 times are really, really (REALLY!) good. 1 time out of 5 is ok. The other 1 time is just a flop.

The thing is, I don't think thats bad. But the key is that when we do have a flop, we don't harshly criticize. We maybe have some constructive talks about it. But never a "you're not good at this" type conversation. This makes those flops (where neither one of us gets 'there') a positive experience for us. And the next time we're better at it which drives down the flop rate (at least until we introduce a little change in how we do our three basic positions or until we try a new location)

My last statement leads into my next thought. Experience in whatever you're doing is a factor. Stuff we've done for a long time, we are very, VERY good at. Stuff that is newer to us, well our flop rate is higher there.

Hey menz!

Are your emotional needs different from your ego needs? If so, how? How r these needs weighed relative to other needs you expect W/SO to fulfill for u?

TiA

Could you give some examples of emotional needs and ego needs?

I don't understand...

Butterflygirl:

Swallowing vs. other

Some women treat the stuff like it's acid or something. Sort of a "oh god don't let it touch me" attitude.

All the stuff you described is the opposite of that and like SWAT said probably describes the "dirty girl" fantasy of many men.

You do all that (or even just some of it) and I don't think your SO is going to really give a damn whether or not you swallowed.

I have no idea why he can't take don't call as an answer. It sounds like you need to state this a bit more forcefully since he's not getting it. Maybe next time you say I'm going to file a harassment report with the police the next time you call.

Girl on top definitely requires a rhythm for it to work, but like others have said his comment was insensitive. The problem I have with WW is stopping and starting is not a rhythm. Trying a particular rhythm and adjusting as needed is okay, but stopping at the wrong time is just plain frustrating and no one wants to be frustrated during sex! Agree with YOP girl on top is nice because we can focus on something different.

Like the others have said someone who is dressed to be respected will be noticed, but in a more respectful way and to be honest will likely be appreciated more. Classy is always more sexy in my book!

I prefer someone who is fit, but they do not have to be at their perfect weight. I guess the simple answer is keep your butt smaller than mine and your belly from extending out past your breasts and things will likely be fine with me. I certainly don't need or probably want a woman with cut abs. There is so much more to a pretty lady then just her weight.

The can we have a discussion question almost always leads to anxiety and drops my energy level. I prefer to communicate in person or by email. No text messages for important stuff. The phone can also be a problem because I am missing the visual clues. I treat email as a slower response and spend more time thinking about what I write. In person is best, unless things are spinning out of control. I try to respond in some manner as soon as possible, though I do occasionally request some time to think about the topic or if I am in a bad place that day I may ask if we can do it another day. I do understand some conversations are time critical so if that is the case I try my best to handle it in the moment.

Fishing for complements is fine. Outright criticism is hard because I often don't know what to say.

I'm not sure I understand the emotional versus ego needs question. What I will say is men need respect and appreciation. Yes we also need love, but most woman know how to express love. Though remember we may not express love or recognize it the same way you do. There are a whole slew of other things we need in this regard (e.g. compassion, empathy, etc.). I think in the end I need a full balance of emotional support and it certainly depends on the situation. I have also observed my emotional needs are often inversely related to the ability my WW has in expressing them. I think of it like a dietary deficiency, when you are missing something in your diet you get a craving until it is satisfied. It may not be a major requirement, but you have to have some minimum amount or it becomes an issue. Relationally I may not need empathy all the time, but after D-day empathy was critical and any deficiency became a serious problem.

Question about the answers!

Do you guys feel the answers you've given in this thread would have been different if you had been asked these questions in your 20's?

I guess what I'm asking is the emotional maturity from the menz here something that comes with age or is it just the sort of person you are.

I'm not sure I understand the emotional versus ego needs question.

Could you give some examples of emotional needs and ego needs?

Maybe they r the same, if u guys arent sure

I was thinkg that strokg the ego is more of a want, and emotional is a real human need

@BBT good question and depends on the question. I Wouk think that most of my answers would be the same. However, I would not have been as to answer the communication question to FixYou as that didn't happen for us until last year (I'm now 40). And my answer to the bj question would have been without my W's experience as well. We got married at 27 (me) 25 (her), started dating at 25 (me) 23 (her). So obviously my sexual experiences with women were before I was with my now W so I have more experience to build off of after that point in regards to an M. But otherwise my answers mostly would have been the same.

Bottom line - most of my emotional maturity is who I am, but I certainly learned a lot more as the years went by.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 5:43 AM, June 30th (Monday)]

Just finished reading this WHOLE thread and I must say it's amazing! Just a couple of points from my POV:

ref the BJ questions, I think Butterfly Girl described what I'm pretty sure most men, if not all, would think was perfect! I don't really think it's swallowing that's important, I think it's more the "finishing" technique that's used. Treating it like it's toxic is a turnoff. If you want to spit it out and you can do it in a sensual way - well that's a bonus and it adds to the experience.

Secondly, any man who "criticizes" his partner for trying to be intimate and bring him pleasure is an idiot in my books and it's a sure fire way to reduce your chances of being intimate in the future. Communication is the key - even during intimacy - and without it sometimes things go off the rails.

Thirdly, if a woman is confident and takes care of herself and has self-respect and self-esteem then she's dead on sexy! I realize that at some point body size could be an issue for some people and where those limits are can be subjective, but there are plenty of very sexy, beautiful women in the world and they're certainly not all a size 0 that's for sure. As someone said earlier, Queen Latifah is drop dead gorgeous - because she takes care of herself, she's intelligent, and she's confident not to mention unbelievably pretty

Fourthly, my point of view has changed drastically from my twenties until now so yes, my answers would be a lot different.

And finally, for you who is constantly receiving unwanted phone calls from your now married ex - if he does it again tell his wife - I bet she doesn't know. This cannot lead to anything good and it's certainly not just an innocent chat about the weather he's looking for.

I think this thread is brilliant and it certainly shows that there are some insightful and honest people on here, both men and women. It's certainly interesting and believe it or not somewhat helpful to read the questions and the answers. I look forward to lots more ....

Do you guys feel the answers you've given in this thread would have been different if you had been asked these questions in your 20's?

Absolutely. I wasn't very realistic in my 20's and a bit co-dependent. I didn't know how to communicate about what I wanted/needed. Part of it was hearing from female relatives when I was growing up about how selfish all men are and I shouldn't be like that. So I went too far in the other direction.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 9:13 AM, June 30th, 2014 (Monday)]

I'm glad to see all the Queen Latifah love on here from the men. I caught her show last week while I was on the treadmill and was struck all over again for the millionth time about how beautiful she is.

I just want to thank y'all for being so honest and open to answer these questions!

So, my husband hates it when I talk shit about the way I look. He told me it was a turn-off to hear me call myself fat and ugly. He says he likes it when I act a little cocky about my appearance (which is SO not me!) It feels pretty disingenuous to strut around when I don't really feel like I look that great (due to my weight - and I'm not huge, I'm in a size 10 right now) - but according to him and it sounds like to you guys as well, the right thing to do is fake it until I make it with confidence. Right?

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:36 AM, June 30th (Monday)]

Melissa McCarthy, Queen Latifah, Adele Adkins, Danielle Colby (American Pickers) and most importantly MrsYop all way cool beautiful women in my opinion.

@JanaGreen

So, my husband hates it when I talk shit about the way I look. He told me it was a turn-off to hear me call myself fat and ugly. He says he likes it when I act a little cocky about my appearance (which is SO not me!) It feels pretty disingenuous to strut around when I don't really feel like I look that great (due to my weight - and I'm not huge, I'm in a size 10 right now) - but according to him and it sounds like to you guys as well, the right thing to do is fake it until I make it with confidence. Right?

I could say that MrsYop falls into this as well. It's not so much a fake it to you make it or being disingenuous. I would say confidence. We want you to be you. We are attracted to you...so when you put yourself down, what does that say about what we are attracted to? Trust me, I get it as I have zero confidence and I'm my own worst critic. I'm fat and out of shape myself, yet my wife will say that I'm not that fat. Whatever, it's how we see ourselves right? Understand that your partner is going to see you for more of the real you. What you really look like vs what you think you look like. I love it when my wife has an air of confidence about her. Especially when in public. I get to think, yep gentlemen, that's mine. That's what I like about a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. Not only does she feel good about herself and I get to see her shine, but I also in turn get to feel good about myself. See how that works? Not that it's all about us menz, cuz it's not. That confidence that your partner has can do a lot for the body language between the two of you. I also think this works both ways.

yop

Are your emotional needs different from your ego needs? If so, how?

Of course these 2 are different. But that difference could seem subtle.

Ego needs.

When I hear WW describe me as *my handsome husband* or I get a (positive) remark about my butt or whatever. That boosts my ego. Also if WW has the big O during sex that makes me feel good.

Emotional needs.

Sitting out on the deck watching the stars together. Quiet conversations about pretty much anything that wouldnt be talked about to some one else. Even that comfortable silence when we are sitting together somewhere. Sex is also a emotional need as I feel it brings us together on a emotional level. Basically anything that makes me feel close to my WW.

Differences to answers here if I were still in my 20s?

Probably some differences. I was the same then as I am now. I just have more experience now. I also was allot more driven in my career and in pretty much every thing I did.

Example: back in our 20s WW suggested that we run together. I never did much of that but thought it would be fun. So we would run after we got home from work. Pretty soon WW lost interest but I kept doing it. Eventually I would run 10K races. Then half-marathons. Eventually full marathons.

Sex was allot more important to me back then too. It still is important but its less of a big deal. Some of that loss of priority could be due to WWs LTA though.

I had a very introspective period at the end of my 20s so yes I would probably reply differently before then versus now. I also believe all of our experiences make us who we are and how we reply. Many of the replies in this thread are from betrayed men so that likely has some effect as well.

YOP did an excellent job answering the why talking trash about yourself is not good. Be the best you can be right now and strive to be better in the future if you can and have the confidence to be comfortable with and be proud of who you are. You are all way more than just your dress size. If you are a bit overweight right now don't hide under baggy sweats, etc. find a few outfits that accentuates what you currently have to work with and be proud and feel sexy wearing them. We notice when you feel sexy. Yes it may suck buying the L, XL or bigger, but if you have to then at least try to make the best of it while you work on reaching your weight goal!

Good description Razor. I get so few ego kibbles at home I had mostly forgotten they existed.

I was thinkg that strokg the ego is more of a want, and emotional is a real human need

I consider real human needs as things I can't survive without, and in that regard unless I am crippled or disabled in some way, my needs are my responsibility once I became an adult.

So I guess I see the ego/emotional things as the same - as wants, though they vary in grades of importance to me.

Can two angry men really get into a physical fight and be okay with each other when it's over?

Not if I’m one of them. Studied martial arts and know better than to allow anger to lead to a physical fight. That would end badly for the other guy and the ‘being okay’ part would be irrelevant. If this is true for some men they either (a) aren't very good fighters or (b) aren't very good at dealing with anger.

Power washer good investment?

Sure, but most people break them because they don’t know how to use them properly. There is a secret to them - PM me and I'll tell you. You can leave fuel in them for more than a year if you use fuel stabilizer.

Do men ever fall head over heels in love?

Oh hell yeah. Take my man card if you like.

Do you think silver-gray hair on a woman is unattractive?

Depends on the woman, some can rock it, others not so much.

What is the male obsession with guns about?

Those who are ‘obsessed’ should consider something else. It’s just a sport like any other. Those who are hoplophobic will likely see 'interest' as 'obsession.' YMMV

Is it true that menz priorities are 1. Money 2. Women 3. Anything else he chooses ?

No.

What most makes you feel respected?

Active and empathetic listening. Very few people know how to do this and are much more concerned with what they are going to say next.

Other than affairs/infidelity: What makes you feel disrespected by your woman?

Double standard, nagging, lack of appreciation.

During sex when the woman is on top do men turn their heads and look away because they are "concentrating?"

I don’t do that.

When we ask 'what are you thinking about?' Are you really thinking about nothing? How is that possible?

No, we are thinking that if we TOLD you what we were thinking about you’d kill us.

Did you marry your best sexual partner, or was there someone else who was your best?

After reading the PIV-O posts on the ‘Ask the wommenz’ thread I’d have to say “oh hell yeah”

What are the most annoying things that women do?

Have double standards, fail to truly listen, try to improve us, tell other people things about us we'd rather not have them hear.

How does alcohol affect your, uh, performance?

Not at all. Then again, I’m not a drunk.

What do you think is your best physical feature and why?

I’m sitting on it. Feedback, LOL

What do men think about women with tattoos?

Not my thing, but something small doesn’t bother me. Lots and I start thinking Barnum & Bailey. Then again, I'm old.

Do you guys feel the answers you've given in this thread would have been different if you had been asked these questions in your 20's

Can’t remember my 20’s.

#1 - Make up. Hair done. Nails done. High heels. Fit. Clothes accentuating the goods. Upon closer inspection, not really attractive but eye catching and flashy. Knows how to flatter what is good and minimize what is not.

#2 - No make up. Pony tail. A little sloppy. Upon closer inspection, nice features and the right curves sometimes show up under the loose clothes. Minimizes all features.

What do you think of these two women?

Answer: FFM

(okay, that was actually a joke)

TR

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 2:16 PM, June 30th (Monday)]

Good description Razor

Yes, thanks. That helped a lot

TrulyReconciled, you mentioned double standards a couple of times. Can you give an example? Is it like, where she wants to be respected as strong yet makes you squish the spider? Or something completely different?