SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Absolutely cheating in my book. H's A was with a stripper that took him home with her, boinked him, and gave him an STD that he ever so kindly passed on too me. Nice huh? There is absolutely no reason for any married man to be in a strip club EVER!

it's really not unlike when you ladies get roped into going to some home sales party for overpriced junk you really don't want.

This comparison is absolutely staggering. So me nibbling on a baked goodie & talking about baking stones at a Pampered Chef party at which only other moms are present is the same as going into a titty bar and having a woman strip & do her best to arouse me sexually, and possibly even having her dry hump me until I cum into my shorts, that's the same thing.

Good to know.

I can think of much better ways to use my money than to pay someone to pay attention to me.

This just made me rethink my position on MMOs and why I pay 15 dollars a month to troll general chats.

I should probably re-examine some personal life choices.

I think a lot of women are really naive about what goes on in strip clubs. Educate yourself ladies. Some of these places are "full service" in the VIP room.

I think a lot of women are really naive about what goes on in strip clubs. Educate yourself ladies. Some of these places are "full service" in the VIP room.

Yes, exactly.

A lot of strippers will do anything for a buck.

They will meet the guy in the parking lot and if paid enough will behave like a prostitute.

Not all, but enough.

I could go to a strip club, have a few drinks, and watch, if business required me to do so, and I would not consider that cheating. I could maybe stuff a bill into a G-string.

I got a really nasty review from a shit of a client once because I didn't take him to a strip club and buy him some sex. (Boy, that was a stupendously stupid project for a stupendously stupid Fortune 500 company!)

A lap dance crosses the line for me.

I bought a drink for Busty Russell once, when single, but no touching.

I've seen some burlesque, and I'd take my W to that. I guess this isn't the place to memorialize my experiences, though....

Lots of things to think about here for me...like I said this was just brought up last night. We are still sorting through boundaries and what our marriage had been previously as we rebuild our shattered lives. We actualy are doing well, but this was an area I kind of forgot about other than mentioning on dday list of boundaries no strip clubs which he agreed to.

I guess I never realized how often he went. He told me last night a couple of times each year. This is confusing to me because I really had no idea. I know he went for a couple of bachelor parties and frankly I wasn't nuts about that at the time and I believe I did tell him so. But obviously during his affair and actually in years prior I don't think he really respected my feelings much anyways. But, things have changed. So I guess we now need a COMPLETE conversation about strip clubs, what happened, how often, how much money was spent, with whom he attended, where, etc. It's all so sleazy to me. I'm learning that the man my husband was was sleazy. I'm glad he has recognized this too.

Yes, this would be cheating to me. I didn't know he went. He hid it from me. I thought he was at work. The fact that their was a lapdance makes it even worse. Thank you for all of you input.

Find out the names of the clubs. There are ways of finding out what goes on there.

It is not. It wasn't, when I thought that FWH was being upfront with me about when he went and with who. But when he started stealing money from us, setting up an account that he could use to go get dry-humped by his EA Stripper, or anyone else around if she wasn't in, and then started going on the internet to watch CamGirls strip and screw themselves, and on and on and on, no. It's not fricking OK with me. And it never will be. Because he lied to me and he had sexual AND emotional contact with strippers.

Comparing women sexually enticing you, grinding on you, and perhaps screwing or giving you a BJ to being bored out of your skull with a Tupperware party is one of the most out of left field dumb things that I've read in this forum. That's the kind of statement that I would expect from a new wayward in the wayward forum.

Pre-A I would have been ok with WH going to a strip club but NOT okay with a lap dance. I would consider that being unfaithful.

After A I would consider going to a night club being unfaithful. As another poster said, I realize now how flimsy WH boundaries are and see the potential for very bad things.

Prior to DDay, I didn't care about strip clubs. My husband went to one maybe once every other year. It was always as part of a bachelor party event thing.

He did tell me he got a lap dance once and that made me uncomfortable. He said he would no longer do that. it did not strike me as "cheating," but it did cross into unacceptable to me.

Now... post affair. I am not sure how I feel about any of that.

I think context plays a role in why i viewed it as ok for him to go. We had talked about it before he ever went and after he went (he's been like 4ish times in 9 years), and he always said it made him uncomfortable but it was one of those "one of the guys expected to go" type social things. He didn't spend much money, never did online porn, etc. So it wasn't a pervasive part of our lives and didn't seem to be something he enjoyed or wanted to do. I still believe, even after the affairs, *that* kind of sexual activity - porn and strip clubs - is not his "thing" or what he's into. I'd likely feel very differently if it was otherwise.

I am a guy but i still cannot understand why some guys want to go to strip clubs and make fools of themselves in front of their friends with girls that cannot stand the sight of them. I have been on business and after the first few minutes of naked women around, it is a pain in the ass to not even be able to sit there and drink a beer without being accosted every ten seconds for a lap dance or to go into some room and spend some ridiculous amount of money to sit there like a statue with your hands out to your side like an idiot while some girl grinds on you.

And for some guys to spend the rent money or money for their children doing that is absolutely NUTS!

So if you have to wind up there for business and tell your spouse I do not think it is cheating.

And if your husband or partner constantly has to go to strip clubs I think there is an underlying problem that needs to be addressed.

Not ladies, I will get blasted for this, but I also think that if you feel this way then it is not OK for you to be going to male parties with male strippers with guys bouncing their junk in your face and your girlfriends grabbing their dicks, and i also think there is something wrong if you on a regular basis, not only infrequently,you need to get dressed up in your skimpiest outfit, and go off with your girlfriends to a club full of horny guys and be grinding on the dancefloor with strange men in a drunken state

or be entertaining strange men who sit down at your table while your husband sits at home.

Inside with mandms.

My final A was at a strip club. I absolutely intended to go, but never intended for what happened to happen. I had every chance to stop it, and dint, it was my choice and I acknowledge that.

I got a lap dance, that turned into a hand job with a bit of oral for lube. Talk about having enough opportunity to stop...I negotiated the pride for her to continue and then had to go to the ATM to get more cash for it.

I had been to strip clubs before and never done anything like that, but now I think that kind of thing happens ALL the time.

So I agree that your boundaries are what you set for yourselves, so if you want to visit one, by all means, go, but for me, I will never set foot in one again.

Just $.02 from a WH...

Not ladies, I will get blasted for this, but I also think that if you feel this way then it is not OK for you to be going to male parties with male strippers with guys bouncing their junk in your face and your girlfriends grabbing their dicks, and i also think there is something wrong if you on a regular basis, not only infrequently,you need to get dressed up in your skimpiest outfit, and go off with your girlfriends to a club full of horny guys and be grinding on the dancefloor with strange men in a drunken state

or be entertaining strange men who sit down at your table while your husband sits at home.

Totally agree with you.

FTR, I've only once ever been to a male strip club, and that was to THE one & only Chippendales. I was in my early 20's and single. It felt lewd & disgusting, honestly. I could not look much of the time, did not touch anyone, nor did I tip anyone. Once was enough. Also, I never went out dancing with girlfriends when I had a boyfriend or husband at home. That's single behavior, and unless I was single I did not act like it. I've never asked from a partner what I was not willing & able to give of myself.

You go because you have to.

We are talking adults right?

Nobody has to go anywhere. In 2014 any business pushing for a client to go to a strip club would, IMO, be primed for a sexual harassment suit...

It has to do with boundaries.

After an A, a person's boundaries really need to be set up better if the marriage is going to survive.

I found out after dday my xwh also went to strip clubs w/o my knowledge. Then I got someone to get into the hard drive on the computer and he was doing all sorts of searches and talking sex with people on Craigs list.

I am of the mindset that when my FWH is conversing with a member of the opposite sex he should not be saying anything he wouldn't want me to hear. So.....in a strip club he sure better not be DOING something he wouldn't want me to see.

He doesn't go to strip clubs. I don't go see the Chippendales. Boundaries.

He does go on golf trips with his male friends. I don't trust all of his friends, but I do trust my husbands boundaries on these trips...we have plenty worked in believe me.

I go on girl weekends with my old college roommates. I have to say if they wanted to do something I was not comfortable with or just didn't want to do.....I can very easily say, "no thanks, I'll hang out with my book tonight." And if I found myself doing that more than once I wouldn't go on the weekend.

It's all about boundaries and respect for each other. Respect is a huge word in my relationships with others.

I agree with the comment about being on the porn continuum.

I had a big issue with my wh going to a bachelor party after the discovery of the affair. If he wants me to buy into his whole sex addiction "excuse" as a contributing factor for why our marriage was in the toilet (abandoning me in every sense in our marriage), getting defensive and pissy about me not approving of him going to a bachelor party is not helping - him, me, our marriage...anyone. He still maintains that stripclubs are not in his arousal template, but it's still about objectification of women and avoiding intimacy with your partner.

ETA: WH has said in counseling that he makes fun of this friends who are at strip clubs because it's just a bunch of women trying to take your money. LOL. His affair wasn't much different. Over the course of 2+ years his AP got well over $50K in travel, jewelry, wining and dining. It's just a difference of $50K + in 2 years or $1000 in one night. Seems like it averages out to about the same.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 10:22 AM, June 27th (Friday)]

Interesting, before the A I would have said no - we both used to look at porn together and we would talk about not restricting each other in any way. Being together is a choice, sex is just sex, and all that.

Now things are different. I think this is cheating - especially if I don't know about it. But its to do with boundaries and also intimacy avoidance. To spend so much time looking at porn and talking about fantasies was totally avoiding intimacy between us.

This is a big thing for us now, especially given our old attitudes. A cup of coffee with another woman would be cheating let alone lap dancing!