SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ten days ago I found out my fiancé has been cheating on me for the past month. I hastily pulled the plug on the relationship as this is the second time I've caught her, and her personality fits the serial-cheater profile, to a tee. The risks seem to great to continue at this point. I stupidly thought she loved me enough that she could be loyal - that I was better than all the exs she had cheated on in the past, and that she wouldn't risk loosing me. Anyhow, I have some questions about recovery:

How much should I know about what went on between them? Seems foolish to drag details out, but maybe it would stop some of the mind movies. I often wake up at 5am haunted with questions that set adrenaline running through my blood, and there goes my good night's sleep. Furthermore, how can I forgive her for things I don't know about? Should I even bother with forgiveness? Seems like forgiveness would make my life easier, too.

Love. I'm still in love with her, I suppose. Hard to tell though, a bit numb. What do I do with those feelings once the numbness has passes? Luckily, I'm able to leave town, move away, so she won't be able to try to recover the relationship. But that also means I'm going to be lonely in a new place without friends, thinking about what I lost...

Reading from this forum, and others like it, has given me solace for the past few days. Thanks for sharing, people.

Splitter

I too was cheated on by fiance. With 5 of my friends.

It was a long time ago.

You pulled the plug.

So say good bye and move on. Anything she could tell you only hurts you.

She is broken.

Go find someone who is whole and wants to be loved only by you.

HM

So sorry this happened. I would just walk away if I were you. My WH is a serial cheater and I too thought I would be different. 10 years and one child added to the mix and he has been cheating the whole time! I should have run while I had the chance. Now I feel like I have to R because of our daughter. Knowing the details will not stop the mind movies, but I understand the compulsion to hear the details. I am currently struggling with that as well. You will be ok. Leave. Find someone worthy of your love.

At this point, new information doesn't change the fact that she is a bad risk and a broken woman; you may feel it would help solidly your decision, but it sounds like pain-shopping. We all get that urge but it's not productive. You know that you deserve better, and that as much as you love her you can;t change her into someone safe to love; truly, that is enough to walk away with.

Make a clean break, go strict NC, get IC for you, work out, take time for yourself, and you will pass through the pain into a much better place. I really resisted moving on for a while, and tried to reconcile (I didn't know the full truth or have the backstory you do), but once I worked on letting go the healing really did begin. Allow yourself to feel everything that comes up an to mourn the loss, but take it as an opportunity to start over and rebuild. Once you move and feel ready, you can try local meetup groups in your new area, or finally focus on a hobby or skill you've been interested in acquiring. It is hard to see something so painful a an opportunity but you would have suffered so much staying with this woman; now you have a chance at something so much better.

Hey Splitter. Happyman is right. Unless you are trying to reconcile, learning more details are only going to make the mind movies worse. In fact anything you take to her about is only going to cause YOU more pain. I have gone no contact with all of my exes (including my ex fiance) immediately thereafter. I know it's tough to do. The best thing you can do for yourself is to settle anything that's outstanding like finances and what not and then immediately cut her out of your life completely and for good.

Then take care of yourself. Find the things that you enjoy in life and make yourself happy. You don't need her to do that for you. Then when you least expect it, another relationship will blossom. Heal yourself first and get as much distance as you can. You are in the grieving process. Very sorry for your loss. It does get better.

yop

I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.

If you pulled the plug on the relationship jut move on and do not ask her about the cheating.

Get away from her and don't look back. You will only be hurt more.

The pain will not be worth it if you are not trying to reconcile.

If she is a serial cheater you probably don't want to try to reconcile anyway.

You did the right thing pulling the plug. Now move on.

Wow, thanks for all the support, didn't expect that to come so fast! I guess I feel like my imagination is always worse than reality, so learning about things like actual frequency might lessen the pain - demystify the situation. But yeah, probably a waste of effort since I wouldn't trust what she has to say anyways. But re forgiveness, can't one forgive without reconciling? I don't want to be with her ever again, but also don't want to harbour any hatred towards her, especially since we share close friends. I guess this is probably the still-in-love self talking, and just forgetting about it is a more realistic goal.

Thanks again.

Forgiveness is a choice. You can forgive if you want to. If that makes it better for yourself. Forgiveness from what I understand is about you and letting go. Not about her. I however, cannot forgive in my situation and I choose not to. Someone around here recommended a book to me on forgiveness that I just purchased and haven't read yet called How Can I Forgive You if you are interested.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Can-Forgive-You-Courage/dp/0060009314

yop

Detach, separate, quit all contact, and any other synonyms you can think of. You know she's a liar and a cheater. Do you expect her to be truthful? You won't learn anything of value communicating with her. Just don't do it. You don't need any more trouble than you already feel, which feeling will fade, btw.

The odds of her saying something to hurt you exceed,the odds,of her being self-reflective and honest. You seem to be expecting the latter. Ain't gonna happen since in her world everything she does is necessary and perfect and not her fault.

The fact that you share mutual,friends is meaningless. You're better of simply ignoring her than worrying about how many times she slept with Mr. X or Y or Z and whether she's telling you he truth about it.

Friends ask what happened? Tell them she chose to be with others and you chose not to be in a multi person relationship, so you called off the engagement and hope she finds her happiness elsewhere. (This is a very polite way of saying " fuck that cheating bitch).

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 11:34 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

Another book I recommend that addresses forgiveness is Living and Loving After Betrayal by Steven Stosny. Focus on healing yourself and yes, I think you can silently, internally forgive at the end of the process; but right now, you don't need to do it.

I am almost six months out from my second DDay and I have let go of the anger and hate almost entirely. I am not sure I would go so far as forgiving what was done to me, but I pity the brokenness that led to it and I am grateful that I have learned from the experience. I do not think I ever 'need' to fully forgive but I feel good to have come to a place where it is possible to release the bad feelings. Let that happen with time and for yourself alone.

It took me around two or three years to forgive my ex the first time she cheated on me. (Seems like a long time - a character flaw of mine is that I hold grudges!) This time I feel much less angry about it, though. I remember last time having moments of pure rage where I envisioned doing bodily harm to the OM. Now I just feel more sad. Perhaps because I cut the relationship off, or perhaps because I'm more accustomed to the feeling of betrayal, I dont know. But maybe this is a good sign for me and my recovery.

If you already pulled the plug on the relationship, why do you need to torture yourself with the details? You can't unlearn the details.

If you're moving forward, just focus on you and don't let her haunt your thoughts.

There are "easier" and "harder" ways of dealing with infidelity, but they all hurt...and take time to work through.

I do personally believe that your fastest path to recovery is to have minimal, if any, contact with your wayward partner. No new contact = No new hurts.

And I am not recommending that you go bury your head in the sand, and wait for things to get better. You should definitely be proactive in your recovery(reading books, staying very involved here on SI, etc). Like it or not, personal recovery takes time and effort from yourself. You may not wish to do such, but it will be well worth it in the future.

You have two questions. One is about forgiveness. Forgiveness is great. I recommend it. BUT-- you don't have to involve her in your forgiveness. You would be setting yourself up for drama and more hurt. Just recognize that she has personality defects and is broken. Feel sorry for her and the very hard road she has in front of her. Forgiveness will follow. If you keep in touch with her forgiveness might be almost impossible because of new hurts.

On the finding out more about the extent of the most recent affair, your curiosity will dissipate in time. Nothing she tells you will be helpful for a multitude of reasons.

Splitter

You should be thankful that you have caught her again and have gotten out of this mess before you got married and it became more complicated.

She is a serial cheater and everytime you get weak or have bad thoughts, think about how it would be to be married and everytime you leave the house of she is not around you that you are wondering what she is doing behind your back.

Not a great way to live your life.

Everyone is saying to more or less cease communication with her. It's true, she will only find ways to twist me up, either begging me to come back or getting mad about how I'm handling the situation. Good thing I'll be 3000 miles away in two weeks, should make it easier for me.

You're a smart man, Splitter.

Even though it may not feel like it, you've been given a gift. The gift of sight.

Someone up there was looking out for you and got you out of this mess BEFORE you married her and had kids and financial entanglements and all the other trappings of marriage that make it so hard to just leave.

I think deep down, you realize what a gift this really was.

Stay strong. You're doing very well.