3 years and 9 months ish past d day.
We're doing well. Buying our first house, and have agreed to start a little family once we are in our new home. I would never have dreamed this was a possibility.
She's moved on from the affair I think. Sorted herself out. Grown up. Lots of counselling, lots of reading. I still have to police her boundaries every now and again because I am still so much more conscious of them than her, and boundaries are still, and probably always will be, a much clearer line in the sand for me, but we talk about it when it happens and we agreed a plan going forwards. I think I the top of the slippery slope is a little further back for me so I police myself even more passionately.
I have mostly good days, and the odd bad day. On good days I am a new person. A little scarred I think, and a little bitter about life, but altogether a more grown up and thoughtful person. On bad days I am grumpier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I run, swim, and basically try to work it out. We do argue, but we talk them out, and we both try new strategies for bringing arguments to a close rather than escalating them. The days of trying to "win" arguments are done. We spend more time together, and are enjoying each other's company.
The AP made one final move to rebuild a connection with us through a 3rd party, but after I explained categorically to the 3rd party that I would simply beat the AP unconscious on sight before giving him the the opportunity to speak, the AP subsequently moved to the other end of the country and is out of our lives forever. A breach of NC, but one done with discussion and agreement, and it had the desired result.
In the last three years we have seen the death and rebirth of our marriage. We've lost both our cats, including my little kitten that kept be going in the darkest times, a grandmother and a father. It's been a tough few years, but we are seeing sunshine now.
So I guess you CAN survive infidelity. You don't get over it. I think I'm changed for life. Mostly in good ways, but I'm not care or worry free any more and I will always miss that. I also love my wife dearly but sometimes look at her and remember those times with intense sadness. I know she feels and always will feel a remorse that is beyond my sadness. She gave away her soul, and knows a little part of her can never be reclaimed, a little part of our relationship will always be somewhat tainted with sorrow. So, you don't get over it, but you can go through it. If there are two of you, and if you hold hands through the process, grit your teeth, and kick the shit out of life together. It also never ends. People on here ask "when does it stop". The pain lessons, but never completely goes away. The attention you have to give your marriage never stops. If anything you learn to give it more and more.
I've found myself dwelling on the marriage vows many times over the past 3 years. The vows in the UK insist you "promise" to love each other. You "promise" to be faithful and loyal. If it were easy, you wouldn't have to promise. If it didn't take active work, you wouldn't have to promise. Marriages take work, and that's the big lesson I've learned from this.
the insides our our wedding rings says "never give up". that caused me a lot pain in the early days. Now it is a mantra to live life by.
[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 3:56 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]
