SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Get the divorce finalized. Move on. Try to keep your kids not hating you. Keep up the IC. Let her hit rock bottom. Without you around forcing her to put on a charade, she will. Down the road, she might come back up from her rock bottom, she might not. But you'll be ahead.

That truly sucks that infidelity has no bearing on the divorce and spousal support. I too am stuck in a dilemma. Although my wife is remorseful and doing what she can to make us be whole again. I have been the soul support for my wife for the past 7 or 8 years. We will be married for 10 years in 2015. It seems in the State of Texas after 10 years of marriage you are obligated to pay spousal support if you are the soul source of income for the other person. It sucks because we didn't choose to step out of the marriage and ruin everything but still have to pay for it.

After reading your story I'm really having second thoughts about my own R with my wife. I don't want to live my life in fear of her stepping out again even though it's not a fear more than a feeling of a wasted effort. I filed for divorce when I found out but stopped it because we are trying to R. I'm really inclined to divorce her before the time is up to avoid having to pay her plus child support which I don't mind the support even though I'd rather have my children. She's said that she would never take the spousal support but she also said she'd never cheat on me too. Just because I divorced her doesn't mean that we couldn't keep working on us it would just mean that I'm not legally bound to her any longer. Sorry to Hijack your thread with this. I guess I need to start my own. I'm sorry for your pain brother. I wish I could do something for you.

Gently…

I see so much codependency in your posts…

Have you gotten any IC?

Have you been to an Al Anon meeting?

What I would fear is that although you might divorce then you won’t detach from her…

It is absolutely part of the thoughts that run through my mind. I think that it would be pretty close-minded if I just simply stated that codependency was NOT a possible factor.

But while I do not believe that this is the case...as least not like it was from D-day#1 to D-day#3...I do agree with you that I have concerns about my "real" ability to detach. Am I detaching? Yes. Am I following the "script" around here, that will continue to help to detach? Yes. But I also know that while I am accepting that my marriage is almost certainly over, I really do want her to get better. I could probably be a little more heartless if we were to be empty nesters, but our one son will be with us for our entire lives....most likely. He needs stability and security from his parents.

Divorce won't stop the world on its axis...I know this. We can both go on, and lead happy, productive lives. But there is work that needs to be done, on each of us, and she is more than welcome to have her concerns about my parenting ability, just as I have concerns about hers. I am sure that this will continue for some time into the future.

As for Al-Anon? It wasn't for me. I went a couple of years back, but it wasn't productive for me. The one thing I did have a background of, was that my father was a recovering alcoholic...his day of sobriety was 9 years before I was born. But he was always active in AA, and I went to meetings throughout my childhood years...although I had no idea what they were really about---then. Today, I can obviously have a much better understanding.

Which goes back to the need for my self analysis---WW is VERY active in her sobriety. We all know that this encompasses more than just picking up a drink---it is about being authentic in all aspects of life. So obviously, she wasn't doing such, but it sure looked to be the case from where I was standing.

Is that the definition of codependency? If it was, then I do need to get into counseling today. But the truth is, I just see myself as someone who put trust and faith where it was unfortunately not worthy. That is where I need to look deeper....IMHO, of course.

jb

do you think she is incapable of empathy? I'm just shocked that after everything you've been through, she could have a LTA under your nose, and then have the temerity to actually ask for another chance? It's just mind boggling.

and what does she say about her comment that she loves her AP? I guess now she says she was confused?

Is she a mental incompetent? Does she not see how horrible this is?

Mike,

It will be the lack of empathy that doomed the marriage. Not that infidelity didn't crush it to virtual embers, but it is what I am now realizing is her lack of ability to know what she has put me through, that will smother the ashes.

It is this missing component to her real remorse.

Is she ashamed of her actions? I believe so.

Does she understand right from wrong? Yes. Didn't stop her, though.

Is she working on bettering herself? Yes, but obviously didn't/wouldn't dig deep enough before.

Did she finally sense my pain, realize that she gutted me, and would never put me in that sort of harms way again? By her actions, I believe that we have that answer.

She works hard on her sobriety, which is an addiction probably stemming from childhood issues. But when she finally opened Pandora's box with infidelity, another addiction, what has she done in the last years to remedy that? She thought if the drinking stopped, then the cheating urges would stop(she was faithful for over 15+ years)...but they didn't...and she KNEW IT WAS WRONG.

In my opinion, it is a total lack of empathy.

After this last discovery, she created a profile here about a week ago. One post----just sad. It is like she doesn't want to deal with this...which is her choice...but a pretty foolish one.

it takes a lot of strength to fight for your marriage when you know you've fucked up again. i think that sometimes a WS just quits. They think, what's the point?

I don't know how she could possibly justify what she did to you after what she already did to you. it doesn't show much concern for anyone but herself. a complete lack of empathy.

i think you need to divorce her. I don't see how you can find happiness and peace with her. how could you trust her? forgive her? call her your partner in life and love? take your time, but go find someone who isn't broken. someone that is worthy.

i wish you happiness.

i think you need to divorce her. I don't see how you can find happiness and peace with her. how could you trust her? forgive her? call her your partner in life and love?

That is why I am on this current path. I know that I am damaged goods in the trust department in any future relationship, but I would have to figure that it would be at the lowest with my WW. No one else has had a chance to cheat on me yet, so hopefully they get some more latitude. I don't know---I am just thinking aloud. It still ticks me off that I am even in this situation.

What the hell kind of a sponsor does she have?

Any decent one would have called her on her shit.

Maybe you should let her sponsor know sobriety is also about honesty good grief!

Not all spouses cheat. In fact, despite the variable stats on the internet, most don't. Please do not set your current course by some vague,fear,of the future.

She is, for whatever reason, a serial,cheater who rejects the gift of reconciliation. Not all people out there are that way. Most do not even need the gift as cheating isn't in their play book.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 8:23 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

Tom,

The changes that she has made since the discovery last week:

--Changed sponsors. She acknowledged that she must not be truly working the steps, and needs a hard-line sponsor. He other sponsor was aware of her cheating, but how much do I blame her? It's WW that is not being honest with herself.

--Changed IC counselors. This is a no brainer, and really ticked me off, because her counselor "understands" that an affair may be necessary in a poor marriage. Thanks Mrs. Counselor, for not calling WW out on her shit.

--Went to private confession at church, and is going to spiritual counseling. WW used to be very involved in church, but has withdrawn several times over the last 5-10 years. While she is confused, she is looking for guidance/answers.

--Joined SI. This is a joke, or rather a spit in my face, and I let her know this last night. My opinion, at least from where I stand, is that she in doing virtually nothing on the infidelity side of her addiction(s). She made a profile, and one half-assed post....which is now buried somewhere among the 4th or 5th page in the wayward forum.

I told her that in my opinion, she has doubled-down her efforts on sobriety, hoping that it covers all aspects of her life(which in my opinion, could be possible). But my issue is that all the effort is there, because I believe that she is so focused on sobriety, and "knows" what that entails....while ignoring the infidelity at the same time. She said that she does better in person to person counseling, and that SI did not really work for her. I claimed bullshit, because she never gave it an effort. If it meant that much, she could investigate SA counseling. I am not calling her a sex addict(but anything is possible), but if she feels that she needs person-to-person counseling, why hasn't she investigated this? Why not try SI, or any thousand of support forums out there? She said that she doesn't do well with the computer, and the typing, but she sure as hell did well with those scumbag websites and hookups.

What I have said before on here, and told her again last night, that it is her total lack of empathy that amazes me. I told her that her drinking was extremely damaging to our family, but her infidelity just crushed me...and she knows it. So she either doesn't care, or doesn't understand how to attempt to make amends. And that is a tough pill to swallow, although I can see it, and have to accept it. As stated before, there may be codependent traits, but I will not go down with this sinking ship. I have a life preserver in hand...and am getting ready to jump off.

Not all spouses cheat. In fact, despite the variable stats on the internet, most don't. Please do not set your current course by some vague,fear,of the future.

I believe this to be true, but there is no way that I have endured the trauma that I have in the last 5 years, and can walk into a new relationship with blind faith. If you can, you are a far better person than I will ever be. I am just being realistic.

Just my thoughts,JB -

I'm all for helping your spouse through the worst. But my take is when your spouse is repeatedly stabbing you in the heart and back in the process, that just tells me he/she doesn't want the help from you. On the flip side it's been said that when you attempt to save someone from drowning, you throw them a life preserver or any other objects that will help them float. It's up to them what they do with the tools to survive. If you go in to save them, they use YOU to float and drag you down in the process.

So is she "using" you to try and get better, or does she even want to get better at all? Is all that effort there for your sake, or hers? It seems the only way to really know is to remove yourself from the situation and observe the outcome. Is her "effort" a way to placate, negotiate, or reinstate the M?

I also understand being stuck in a situation where D is a costly outcome. All I can say is even trapped wolves will chew their own foot off to be free because the sacrifice is worth the freedom. The fear is in being trapped in a bad situation more than what you will lose in the escape. It is about surviving after all.

and yeah...it's all easier said than done.

Remember, even though I am giving much detail about what is going on in my home, I am busy detaching. I am not in any full-blown-to-save-the-marriage-or-spouse stage, but am merely giving as much detail as possible. I hope that this helps others in the future.

I have another attorney consult later this week, and am really going to do the detailed sitdown this weekend with WW about a single mediated divorce. There is no reason that we can't get to a reasonable agreement...or it will definitely work out to her disadvantage. I will try to be fair, but I will not chew my own leg off---I will raze everything to the ground if need be....guaranteed.

Jb,

I'm so sorry. I feel sick reading through this. I don't understand how someone could cause this pain to their worst enemy much LESS their spouse. I'm hanging on day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. My emotions are on a runaway train. I'm sure yours are too. Sometimes I think the term codependent is coined for those who truly believe for better or worse really means for better or worse. Some of us don't throw in the towel because someone else thinks you should or that it would be easier. I love your heart and your honesty. I think you're a very special person who deserves happiness. Whatever that means to you and whatever choices you make.