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There is absolutely nothing about what youre feeling that is crazy. If it is, then 90% of us on here must be. Whats real crazy is the experience we've all been forced into.

I struggle with the same thoughts. A year later and I think about that horrible time. Every single day. We are trying our absolute best to move on, but at this point the ball is in my court.

She is regretful, she is remorseful, embarrassed, etc. I do not believe it will happen again but the fact that it did is like it was yesterday.

Im thinking its a form of ptsd.

This sounds like a really postive thing for you, sisoon, and I am happy for you- you're a great dude.

I wish I had something meaningful to give you...you are such a source of strength to me!! I'm not sure whether it makes me feel better or worse to know you still think about it every day at 3.5 years out but it makes me feel a little less crazy!!

I do know what you mean about the sickness part. I definitely try to remember that when I get overwhelmed with what happened.

I'd say I have done something like this, and worried that I was compartmentalizing or dissassociating or something. But I do kind of put his AP in the box of "other sexual partners." Instead of it being labeled "Ginormous Betrayal", it is now labeled "Shit That Happened That Doesn't Involve Me."

This. It sounds like this is where you are. And where I hope to be someday. It sounds healthy to me Sissoon.

But I might be crazy too!

[This message edited by 918Mama at 12:46 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Don't get me wrong - logically/intellectually, I know her A was a terrible betrayal; it just doesn't feel that way any more.

I'm very surprised.

I'm not surprised.

You are focused on the *now*.....not who she was *then*, but who she is *now*.

You will never forget what happened in the past, but the actions of *today* work to mitigate that.

You are a kind and forgiving person, sisoon. There is a great deal of love that oozes from you and PS. You aren't crazy at all.

I understand this, especially the 'sickness' part. My H was ill, the As were a huge part of his illness. I'm not there yet, I have a lot of healing to do still, but my empathy allows me to see that this was an illness in him rather than him being a cake eater. I don't believe all As are the result of illness, but there was suicide risk and self loathing in his as well as a sense of self punishment. His illness almost killed him, Dday was his chance to survive and get treatment. I see our lives as a before and after because the changes in him have been huge, but I'm still dealing with the knowing I was living with a monster part of things...one day I hope to be where you're at, so no I don't think you're crazy....I'd rather know how you got to the point where you could separate those times. I've often tried to imagine that these people were no different than OW in his past before me. Obviously this doesn't work for many reasons (betrayal being the biggest). I hope to one day be able to see this part of our lives as a new beginning as well, a new better chapter.

Thanks, all.

I've thought of this type of thing as 'reframing', but it certainly could be classed as 'rewriting M history'. I think reframing is one of the best healing tools available; in fact, I don't see how one can heal without it.

At the same time, it's got some risks - it's easy to lose touch with reality, which is why I wanted feedback from the experts.

I don't think I'm in a 'BS fog', though. I know what my W did, and I know I hurt a whole lot for a long time.

I think gonnabe put the name on it that I need: living in the 'now'. My W has acted remorsefully ever since d-day. We're both showing our love for each other, showing we're in love, and dealing with issues as they arise. W still carries around a lot of the fear and self-hate that enabled her A, but I'm willing to bet she won't betray herself or me again.

If you're crazy, I must be a blazing lunatic. No, seriously, my grandmother used to say that you have to be a bit crazy to be sane. I never got that; now I totally get that. Enjoy your new committment and best wishes!

[This message edited by deena04 at 8:12 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

Personally, I think this is what healing looks like. It isn't healthy to walk around for years clutching one's pain to them like a prize they can't let go of. I refuse to do it.

I love the shelf with the box that says "Shit that happened that doesn't concern me." I am going to go make some space for that box right now!