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soccermom9 (original poster member #43805) posted at 7:34 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
My WH and I shared erotic fantasies on occasion to make for hotter sex. He says that drinking and those fantasies in his head are what led him to have sex with his masseuse! He said he had it in his mind that I really wouldn't mind. Is this crap or I am really partially to blame for this happening? We talked about the fantasies and agreed they were just that on many occasions before Dday! Your thoughts?
[This message edited by soccermom9 at 1:41 PM, July 7th (Monday)]
Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation
Tred ( member #34086) posted at 7:38 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
Is this crap
Complete and utter crap. What led to him having sex with anyone outside of his marriage has nothing to do with you. Did you act on any of those erotic fantasies?
Married: 27 years (14 @JFO) D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)
Badhurt ( member #41947) posted at 7:41 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
Soccer Mom
Nonsense. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. You might have had fantasies of getting banged by six guys. YOU DID NOT DO IT!!!!
soccermom9 (original poster member #43805) posted at 7:42 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
No i never acted on any of them. He says he wants to reconcile yet how can I when he won't take responsibility for his actions!
Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation
tfkeel ( member #19517) posted at 7:47 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
He says he wants to reconcile yet how can I when he won't take responsibility for his actions!
You can't. There's no basis for it if he doesn't "own" it.
soccermom9 (original poster member #43805) posted at 8:19 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
He is starting IC next week as I am also. no MC yet other than talking with our Pastor once a week. I am unsure how to get this fixed even if it can be. I am reading "torn asunder" and it is eye opening!
Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation
seethelight ( member #43513) posted at 8:25 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
SoccerMom
Personally, I believe your husband is blameshifting.
Don't buy it.
“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit
outtanowhere ( member #39001) posted at 8:42 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
Has he been getting massages for a while or is this something new? I had no idea about happy ending massages until I found out about my husband's sex addiction. He went from these massages to casual encounters with whores on Craigslist.
I also read Torn Asunder. I would caution you that you may have just uncovered the tip of the iceberg.
Me-clueless BS Dday - 2/19/13 "This isn’t flying. It’s falling with style".Buzz Lightyear - Toy Story
soccermom9 (original poster member #43805) posted at 8:51 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
He says it all started 6 months ago and happened 3 times. He has been seemingly very honest but I still have doubts!
Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation
soccermom9 (original poster member #43805) posted at 11:16 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
I am so confused about why this happened! I have only had one thing hurt worse and that was the death of my baby many years ago!
Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation
soccermom9 (original poster member #43805) posted at 11:16 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
I am so confused about why this happened! I have only had one thing hurt worse and that was the death of my baby many years ago!
Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation
Razor ( member #16345) posted at 11:29 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
crap and blameshifting.
Ask *HOW was it ok for him to take the private fantasies you shared together and satisfy them outside the M?*
Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Mercilesslynuked ( member #42997) posted at 11:36 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2014
Yeah, no. Emotionally mature adults realize the difference between fantasy and reality. This is him grasping at the straws. So let me get this straight... by his logic now if I sleep with a (insert whatever roleplay my WGF and I use), I'm justified and it is no longer my fault? My oh my oh my... 
how would he feel if you slept with a (insert whatever roleplay he's participated in)?
Edited for clarity's sake.
[This message edited by Mercilesslynuked at 5:37 PM, July 7th (Monday)]
Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.
D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014
Shockleader ( member #36827) posted at 12:15 AM on Tuesday, July 8th, 2014
Know 1000% you have absolutely no blame in this, NONE, not one speck! Do not ever let him, or some quack potential therapist say otherwise.
I know well the pain, and for me the pain was the worst I have ever endured by far; even the loss of family, but thank God never a child. People who have never been through this, especially with spouses who lie, blameshift, rage, are incredibly cruel and remorseless have NO CLUE of how painful it is... It ain't some Hollywood movie, as many folks seem to believe it is... Until the go through it! Be strong, be tough, and lean on the good folks of SI.
D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 53
Xcheater... Who cares.
One DD 25
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!
The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...
soccermom9 (original poster member #43805) posted at 12:44 AM on Tuesday, July 8th, 2014
Thank you all for your support! I will get thru this somehow!
Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation
sparkysable ( member #3703) posted at 11:39 AM on Tuesday, July 8th, 2014
People do not go to legitimate massage parlors and end up having sex with the massage therapist. They go to "massage parlors" for a "massage", when they know damn well what that kind of place offers for a little extra $, and that's the reason that they go there.
What you are discovering is just the tip of the iceberg. He is giving you what we call TT, which is the trickle truth. Just giving you a little bit of what really happened. Look into it more, and you will find that this story is not what it seems.
D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
mozzchops ( member #42896) posted at 11:51 AM on Tuesday, July 8th, 2014
I call bullshit. Mine also said "sexy novels like 50 shades" made her want to be lusted after and lust after others.
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.
soccermom9 (original poster member #43805) posted at 2:17 PM on Tuesday, July 8th, 2014
I just wish I would wake up and this all be a nightmare and he would hold me and tell me everything is ok!
Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation
soccermom9 (original poster member #43805) posted at 9:06 PM on Tuesday, July 8th, 2014
I agree there is no justification for his actions but somehow in order to make this marriage work we have it get to the "why".
Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation
momentintime ( member #16394) posted at 10:42 PM on Tuesday, July 8th, 2014
He did it because that was what he wanted to do. Your fantasies didn't make him do anything. His fantasies should have stayed just that fantasy, not reality. He needs to own his behavior, he knows deep down it was his bad, not yours.
BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
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