SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How does one know for sure what truly is in another's heart?

Of course, we cannot.

But, I think the question is more "good for us person" or "not good for us person".

It is not so much a judgement of the person him/herself, but a judgement of the person's effect upon you and your children.

I could easily, at the time, see that she was a "not good for me person", because her effect continuum upon me was pain and damage to my psychological health.

I made a judgement call about her effect upon our children, which in retrospect, turned out to be very wrong.

Her effect continuum toward the kids seemed that she was a good nurturer and homemaker for them. The insidious effect that I didn't see at the time was how my staying in the home taught my elder son that wife abuse was "normal", instead of demonstrating that a husband should not tolerate it.

I don't think my H is a "good" person, unfortunately. He believes he is such an honest businessman, and he is. The problem is, how can someone be so conscientious about business, yet live with the fact he cheated and lied with ME? My therapist said I was the most devoted person ever, but where did that get me? I work very hard on putting myself first, and I think I am finally getting somewhere!

I also feel to help with answering this question for each individual is to also use your FOO issues. Meaning we many times "fall in love" with someone, or are attracted to someone who is in real life not very "good for us". In essance trying to fix our FOO issues. We could think our spouse is the most fabulous person in the world and put them up on a pedestal, yet our friends and family or people we work with wonder 'what the heck is Susie doing with that guy?' or 'what does Ralph see in that girl, she is so mean' type of thing. Rose colored glasses and all.

So when you ask is someone a good person? I would say that what is good for one person may not be good for another. Our tolerence level of what good or love is based on FOO issues.

I don't know if that makes sense. But there you go.

I wonder the same thing. I can't reconcile the man I thought I married with the man who had the A's. There were 2, one before we were married 8 yrs ago which I only found out about 2 wks ago. The other one was 9 mos ago which I found out about 6 wks ago. He's doing all the right things now, but, as mentioned A's are about lying and being deceitful. I'm in a quandry over this one.

I think that in my case he made mistakes (several) but really it is all one type of mistake...a BIG mistake....people do...even BIG mistakes, but the core person, his soul is good otherwise he would not be able to change himself and work so hard on changing our relationship for the better and helping me as well...

He has FOO and that contributed a lot...it is not his fault he has FOO and had trouble dealing with it...there was a long history in his past, his father's past and so forth that made him who he was and what his weaknesses were...why he decided to act out in this way I guess is not uncommon.

I have lied too. I have done things I am not proud of...I hope others have forgiven me and do not judge me for all my actions...Most of my actions are good...and so are his...yes, a big mistake but human and loving.

A person, a human, is many things, capable of doing many many wonderful things and some not so great...I often think of a great deal of many "good" people who got sucked into WWII and all that craziness....they were husbands and fathers and sons too...well, the whole human race is capable of horrible stuff....but wonderful stuff too...that is just the reality, I guess...

Wish I could live in Disney Land forever...not real life

I struggle with this. In my situation my husband made a couple of very bad choices over a number of years (the others weren't A related, but also involved deceit, lying to me etc) So now I sometimes feel that, had he only made one really bad choice, I could think "he's a good person who made a bad mistake" but the fact that he shows a pattern of bad behaviour makes me wonder if he isn't actually a bad person at heart.

I lean toward "no".

I agree with ItsaClimb. My WH has a long pattern of deceptions, big and small. I "rug swept" how much it bothered me over the years. Never again.

He sees himself as a "good person" who made a horrible mistake. He has never looked objectively at all the deceptive self-talk, the ridiculous justifications for deceit, and especially at his behavior prior to and during the A. He sees what he wants to see.

Good-bad, who the Hell knows. Just not good enough for me.

I know my husband is a good person. He has flaws but out of the 29 years I've known him, there have only been a few instances of him behaving selfishly and without considering the consequences of his actions. Unfortunately, those few times were enormous in magnitude for the damage they caused and have taken much longer to recover from than the actual acts themselves. But I can honestly say that I would marry him again even if I knew how painful those acts would be because, in the grand scheme of things, there have been so many more beautiful and loving acts from him.

Plus, I would never let someone else have him.

I feel that my FWH is a very good (but damaged) person. He was a man of sterling character when I married him. I feel that he is that same man now. But for a decade in between he was untrue not only to me, but to himself. The realization of the depth of his betrayal of me, and his betrayal of himself, is still causing him anguish. I don't think he would be feeling anguish if he were not at his core a good man.