No matter what we are going through in our experiences with infidelity – it is fairly impossible for someone to know exactly how we feel. No two situations are exactly the same. It's not a matter of who has it worse. – It is just different. But we can hopefully empathize with each other and provide support for each other.
It is extremely difficult for someone to understand what a truly sexless marriage is like. Not a situation where you don't have sex for a few weeks or a few months or even a year or two. But a situation where there is nothing sexual or physical between the two of you – for year after year after year. As a couple of other posters mentioned – not even a touch on the shoulder, holding hands, and for me – not even eye contact. This type of situation takes you far beyond the "I'm horny and he won't satisfy me" feeling. I personally equally it with "failure to thrive" – where an infant suffers, and in some cases even dies - from lack of physical contact and any kind of real connection.
I believe that, for individuals who are basically psychologically sound, the issue of a sexless marriage seems almost like a "no-brainer". "All men want sex" - "if they're not getting it at home they will get it somewhere else" - "it is grounds for divorce".
My husband has been severely disabled and in a wheelchair for over 30 years. He was disabled when I met him. Despite this – our sex life was very fulfilling to me, and I think to him. But I do not believe that my husband is psychologically sound. When kids came – and with addiction issues from their birth mothers – and we experienced multiple family deaths in a short period of time – he started with pornography, then online with strangers, then a prostitute.
It has been seven years since his physical infidelity. I don't need to tell any of you how badly I have been hurt. For my husband, his shame and disgust in his own behavior has rendered him completely uninterested in anything sexual. Even during our hysterical bonding – he was not totally into it. He seemed amazed, but less than as enthusiastic as I would have thought he would be. Don't get me wrong – I am not making excuses for him. But his disinterest in all things sexual is not defensiveness, or a pity party in my opinion. He is not psychologically capable at this point of dealing with what we have faced – and in some cases what HE has made us face in the past few years.
So, I am saying all this just to express that I believe – in some cases – it is a serious psychological issue – not always a selfishness or revenge, etc. Sure, we suffer during this time. All people want physical intimacy and connection – especially with a spouse. And divorce is certainly an option.
In our case, I believe that my husband has "given up" on real happiness in his life. We are 60-ish and I believe he is just living out his life until it is over. At this point, for me, it is no longer about who did what to whom. I have no interest in "walking out" and finding happiness elsewhere. I am a grown woman – advanced age – responsibilities with kids and family - And no matter what he has done, my husband cannot function daily without assistance due to his disability.
I am making every attempt to get my husband to get some help. This is what I have chosen – but I am not suggesting that others need to do the same.
I just wanted to suggest that a sexless situation is not always a matter of defensiveness, revenge, blame shifting, etc. Sometimes it can be that the offender can be so devastated by their actions that they too are emotionally too distraught to functionally "normally" - especially if they have other issues as well.
I wish you well.
