SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I raise the bullshit flag, too.

If he was dissatisfied, that's his problem. Did he talk with you about his dissatisfaction? How much effort did he put in to make life better?

If you're truly incompatible and unable to find a way that works for both of you, one of you can end your M. Then you're free to have sex with anyone who will have you....

I think this is where part of your WH's issue is. He doesn't see a SAHM as equal as a professional

YOP u got it. MC said a similar thg

I always wanted to be a sahm bcuz i watched women around me stress out tryg to manage the logistics of jobs, daycare, etc. i told WH that i felt it would help me to b a better wife not havg to deal w all that. WH told me that he agreed bcuz he expectd that not workg would give me the time and flexibility to deal w home, so when he got home i could be there for him

What i didnt realize was that stayg home was MORE WORK! Many of my friends who r moms say to me 'i dont know how u do it', noting that being w the kids all day would drive them nuts. It really is a lot but i chose to do it and i dont complain

I also hav worked part time from home to earn a few extra dollars, and we hav 2 really small home businesses (that i run alone, and one of which HE suggested we start) which demand my time as well. So yes, he isnt acknowledging this part

WH even got mad at MC when we discussd this topic bcuz MC told him 'things change and u just have to deal w that' meaning what we thought stayg home would bring us versus what we ended up with.

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 1:25 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

Sexy lingerie having no affect whatever? Been there.

When I was finally starting to accept that talking was getting me nowhere, I still didn't give up. One day I was at a gift shop and amidst the trinkets on the checkout counter were these little coin-like tokens stamped with the phrase "Good for one roll in the hay". I gave it to my husband and let him know he could redeem it whenever he liked. Two years later we were packing to move across the country and I found it in his nightstand. He hadn't redeemed it once. I threw it away instead of packing it.

If he was dissatisfied, that's his problem. Did he talk with you about his dissatisfaction? How much effort did he put in to make life better?

Yes he did but the responsibility was put on me. When we talk now its about what i failed to do

so when he got home i could be there for him

That's not equal. He has to know that you did just as much work all day long as he did. Why can't he be there for you? That's why it's about being there for each other and sharing in whatever responsibilities are left after he gets home after working hours.

I still believe this is only PART of his issue though. A decent part but only a part. Putting responsibility solely on you for his sexual gratification is not right. IMO just another lame excuse for the A.

How do u continue to try and initiate when u walk into a rm wearg lingerie tryg to get your husb attn and he says 'i have work to do'? What a friggn blow. For someone who claimed to b a freak and wants it all the time, he made me feel like crap bcuz he didnt want me

^^^That breaks my heart for you. I could never have resisted MrsYop if she did that to me. The worst that I did was I rejected her offer three times in a two week time period but I did so out of my own issues. I was killing whatever was left of our sex life on purpose. I couldn't take going through my rejection cycle in between each time we had sex. So I killed it so I could stop my rejection cycle (thought I didn't know then that's what I was doing). I went through a three month mourning period over my sex life and the fact that I had resigned myself to become celibate. I was being a martyr. I was miserable and unhappy.

Notice everything I just said in that paragraph. It was all me me me me me me me me me. There was no US there. I realized how selfish I was being in projecting my being miserable outwards. This is where I straightened myself out and first apologized to my wife. IMO, your WH was/is doing similar things to you. He just doesn't see his happiness as his responsibility, sees it as yours, and is using it as an excuse. I tell you what, I'm willing to bet the farm that if you were a professional and not a SAHM that he would still have this part of the issue and then blame it on you were always working so he had to do the same. When I was a shitty H that's what I would have done.

I still never would have dreamed of having an A though. Again totally on HIM!!!

yop

eta - typo

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:34 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

When we talk now its about what i failed to do

Disagree. You aren't responsible for his happiness. If he was so unhappy, why didn't he divorce you so he could live a life of unadulterated hedonism?

^^ what Tred said

Tell me about it!

How do u continue to try and initiate when u walk into a rm wearg lingerie tryg to get your husb attn and he says 'i have work to do'? What a friggn blow. For someone who claimed to b a freak and wants it all the time, he made me feel like crap bcuz he didnt want me

Eactly, Imissmyhub, that's what the movie "the freebie" describes.

The guy is bored with routine married sex, but somehow blames his wife. Even though they have a great relationship in every other respect.

He was just bored with sex with the same women ,and wanted variety. So even when she tries to be seductive, he rejects her by refusing to get it up.

BTW, the Wikipedia description of the movie suggests a happy ending, but it's really an up in the air ending about whether or not they will stay together.

There is NO EXCUSE for having an affair. I have tried and tried to rationalize it for my FWH's sake, but I can't. Our issues were somewhat different, but if he had said those words to me (above), I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure he didn't stray...

I agree there is no excuse for having an affair. To my mind people manufacture reasons to have them.

They create problems in the marriage, or rewrite the marital history to make reasons to have them.

Just like the husband in the movie "the Freebie." He is bored with sex, but blames the wife, no matter how hard she tries because he WANTS VARIETY, but he won't admit it to himself or the wife.

My own wayward, finally, did admit in counseling that there would have been nothing I could have done to stop the affair once it was in progress. He said he was bored with life in general.

He now says, he wishes he had romanced me the way he romanced her. Instead he admits that he manufactured problems by doing things to create the problem so that he could justify the affair.

he wishes he had romanced me the way he romanced her

I wish WH did too. It would hav made all the difference. I know for a fact he ordered hundred dollar flower bouquets for her from 800flowers (thought out in advance) but i got the $20 bouquet out of the supermarket fridge (last minute). Not that the dollar amt matters, just how much more he thought of her; when im here managing his life i get the scraps

Im gonna search for that movie on netflix

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 3:22 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

My husband and I haven't had sex in 9 years- yep 9 years. Betrayed- yes I feel betrayed. Have I cheated- no I haven't.

I haven't read the article- but I do feel betrayed. He isn't meeting my needs- emotionally, physically, or mentally. I know the road we are on is headed for divorce- it's just a matter of when I am able to. Until then I will live with the feelings of betrayal.

Even with 9 years of no sex in the marriage- I can't bring myself to cheat.

This is a load of crap. Marriage is a committment. If I remember correctly, "for better or for worse." That said, there are physical reasons why people (men and women) can't have sex - accidents, medications, or just plain age related issues. If this occurs to one partner, does this mean that the other partner now has the right to an affair? There is far more to a relationship than sexual needs.

It has been many years since we had sex. I don't remember the last time that we had sex. My marriage is sexless. I haven't cheated. My husband has been having at least emotional affairs for years. I do not believe a sexless marriage is a reason to cheat. I have tried talking and counseling. I haven't yet divorced and don't know if I ever will.

The sexlessness of our marriage nor the emotional affairs are the reason I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed because he refuses to work towards a mutually satisfying solution. He refuses to have sex or stop the affairs. He expects me to accept this lifestyle.

However, the sexlessness is worse for me than the affairs. That is because the sexlessness means it is depriving me of satisfying a biological drive. Masturbation doesn't satisfy the drive for intimacy. The affairs are emotionally painful, but my biology is stronger than my psychology.

I'm only responding from my experience. I do not expect others to feel the same.

I agree with gutfeeling that the partner withholding sex must look at themselves as part of the problem that has evolved in the marriage. Yes, people should talk first, be honest, work on improving the situation. Not doing so is cowardly. Being rejected sexually is very impactful. I think we may tend to minimize that sexual rejection because it is...well...'sex'. We wouldn't minimize withholding parental love and to me sexual love connects us with an essence of who we are...that then is rejected? Not good. My WH totally rejected me and it has taken me down some dark roads. I often wonder if his kids can feel what goes on between us and if it will affect them some day--in that way a sexless marriage in perhaps silent ways, could deeply deeply impacts the next generations own experience of joy, sexually and otherwise, in life.

I was hesitant to reply to this post because it brings up many issues for me. Its funny how we tend to shy away from the posts that are just a little too close. They are probably the posts we need to respond to the most. The posts that help our own healing.

I was in a sexless marriage for 19 years, and I just didn't understand. I didn't understand what was wrong with me, what was broken in me that caused him not to want me that way? I did everything I possibly could think of and none of it mattered. Not only was I in a sexless marriage, I was in a marriage devoid of any physical touch. If I sat next to him he would move. If I touched him he would throw my hand off him. We discussed it, we went to counselors, I talked to friends. Their response? Well, you have 6 kids together so it can't be that bad (sex once every 7 or 8 months, for 2 minutes WOO HOO!!! Lucky me, I hit the jackpot. And that was just to shut me up).

I am having trouble continuing....I don't know. Its just really, really hard to be in that position. It really messes with your head. It really messes with you if you need physical intimacy in all its forms to feel loved. It still messes with my head....it fucks you up. I thought there was something wrong with me...I must be ugly. There must be something wrong with my body.... (I am 110 lbs, 5'5, d-cup and dated all the time in college...) yet I just knew, just knew that it must be me, right? Because if I was pretty, if I was sexy, If I was enough, then he would want to touch me....it.fucked.with.my.head.

yeah...I don't know.. subjects just to close. Sorry I couldn't add much to the discussion.

Lostly, believe me I understand how you feel. I've been married over thirty years and most of them have been sexless in the most literal sense of the word. I think my WS affairs are also sexless. I have used a VAR and key logger and have found no evidence of sexual activity. My WS seems to adore me, but sex is something he does not want and therefore we do not have it.

I too tried for many years to figure out what was wrong with me. I felt it was something I was doing that caused our sexual problems. My WS always told me it was not me but that was all he was ever willing to say on the topic. I had IC but never MC because he refused to go.

I'm sorry that you have had a similar experience. I know how painful it is to be constantly rejected. One of the things that has caused me the most pain is when I obviously excite him and he still rejects me. I will never understand why we have a sexless marriage.

quizical, Lostly, RuckedUp, and anyone else that I missed that's in a similar situation, my heart breaks for you. That's a very painful crime and so sad. I don't know what to say. I don't give out these virtual huggy things lightly or very often...

(((((quizical, Lostly, RuckedUp, and anyone else that I missed)))))

I feel for you. I know it's almost impossible to not think that it's you but I hope you know that it is not. It's really a reflection on your H's. Really it is.

yop

I often wonder if his kids can feel what goes on between us and if it will affect them some day--in that way a sexless marriage in perhaps silent ways, could deeply deeply impacts the next generations own experience of joy, sexually and otherwise, in life.

Yes I do believe this.

I remember my mom making a cryptic comment to my dad when I was small - something about how he didn't do what "other husbands" do. I can't remember the exact wording now, but as a child I held onto it and pondered it because I didn't understand it. So I puzzled over it until I did understand it.

In my own marriage, we went through a long season (pre-affair) of him rejecting me sexually and me taking it extremely personally. In fact, even now if we don't have sex regularly, even though things are otherwise good, I take it as a personal condemnation of my attractiveness and my worth. Even though there could be a completely different set of circumstances at play. I do think this is related to how my mom and dad interacted.

In our case, our sex had become very mechanical. I have never been adventurous in that area as we did marry very young (18 & 19). He is my one and only. So everything I know I learned from him. He has asked many times to try other things, but I have built a wall and would not even entertain the idea. I knew that is how my WH wanted me to show love to him (physical touch is his love language). I just could not do it as I still have the wall up.

My IC and I have determined that I have to bring this wall down and that is our main focus. I tend to jump into non-relationship things to avoid intimacy and I have to stop that or I will never have a successful relationship with anyone.

Now to say that my sex issues caused his A's. No I do not think so, that is really his issue to deal with. But I do think getting to the roots of our issues will open a whole new intimacy that we have never had in our almost 29 years of marriage. I am ready to get deeper into therapy. We are really still the two teenagers that got married so many years ago. My IC said it was intimacy immaturity and we need to figure out how to grow into an adult sexual relationship.

Just wanted to share a bit that I have learned about me. My IC is great...she really has me thinking about me!!

When we talk now its about what i failed to do

Blameshifting, pure and simple. Sex needs focus and energy. Being passive has a place, but your H owes focus and attention to both you and himself.

Why not dump him?

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:19 AM, July 11th (Friday)]

My H said no to sex many times early in our marriage--so I should have had an affair, right? Now he's disabled and sex is difficult--so I should have an affair, right?

I see real therapists saying lack of sex is a legitimate excuse for an affair, but that's like saying the lack of a raise at work is an excuse to steal from the company. Integrity shouldn't be contingent on the actions of others. How you treat someone you supposedly love shouldn't depend on whether you got some action last night.

Yes, a sexless marriage is a serious problem and can be grounds for divorce but it will never, ever be grounds for an affair. That's just blame shifting and the therapists who say otherwise should be ashamed of themselves.

[This message edited by PeaceLove187 at 10:41 AM, July 11th (Friday)]