SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out in early May that my H was/had an affair. I received a message on FB from a friend of the OW telling me what was going on. I confronted H and he admitted it. Not happily o even willingly. He seemed very sad and embarrassed about what he did. The affair ended about half a week prior to the message I received. It was ended by OW.

H and I talked a lot over the next few days. I asked for details, I wanted I know how many times, how long, why, etc. He said he came clean on everything to me. Then 2 weeks later he admitted that for years he had flirted via texts, and had 2 sexting incidents. I was shocked because 2 weeks before he said he told me everything. Fast forward to beginning of July. I received yet another FB message from OW's friend. She said OW told her she was pregnant and it was H's baby. I asked H if this could possibly be true. Another detail emerges then, that there was one time they had unprotected sex. This was said after I was told there hasn't been any unprotected. It later turns out that she isn't pregnant. It was just a tactic to try to get me to kick him out. There hasn't been contact between the 2 of them. H seems remorseful but it's these little (i think big) pieces of truth that keep coming out that I'm mad about now. I feel I can't move forward if these things keep bubbling up.

H says he wants to R. He loves me. All the things that I would imagine he would say and feel. I just do not understand why I can't be told all the truth in the beginning.

Anyways, I haven't told anyone the whole story so this is just a way for me to get it out there and vent a little.

I'm so sorry.

It is very common to not be told the full truth at once. Which of course means that you may still not be getting the full truth, unfortunTely.

Have you gone to get an STd test? That should be a priority. Also, is he being transparent with his devices/email account/finances/phone bill etc.? Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Has he sent the OW a NC letter? Why was she trying to get him kicked out if she supposedly ended things?

Both of you should get IC (individual counseling)--you to cope with the emotional trauma, him to figure out what is driving him to seek external validation, and how to fix it.

You don't need to make any big decisions yet. Just take care of yourself.

I should have added that yes, STD checks have been done and are fine for both of us. That was the first thing I asked him to do and he did it the next day.

As far as OW, the only contact (that I know of) has been through this friend to my FB page. I did a little research and am pretty confident that it was actually OW contacting me, lying of course, about who she actually was. I nipped that one in the bud and we will see how long she does NC. H sent a NC to her the morning after the DDAY. He offers to be transperrant, but there is a part of me that wonders if it will really do any good. He was sneaky before using some sort of Internet text messages and doing a good chunk of this during work hours.

Well you are doing great at handling this to start with! Even if you feel weak, know that you are showing strength and grace.

It's true that in the end you can't police a WS (wayward spouse) into faithfulness. If they want to take an A underground, there are always ways. And building up trust that the A hasn't gone underground will by necessity take time. The best thing is to watch his actions, not his words...there is no magic 'tell', but true remorse is usually pretty distinct from false remorse. Ie there will be no blame shifting, no justifying, no anger over your needs as you cope.

It's important for you to remember during all of this that if he doesn't step up you will be okay without him. And to figure out what your boundaries are and build up your strength so that you can show him consequences if they are broken.

Was the OW a coworker? And is she married? Her BH should be told if so. That would help protect you from the A continuing.

[This message edited by norabird at 12:04 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

OW is not married and not a coworker. H had put a profile up on some site to meet people and that is how it all started. OW knew he was married with kids and told him she wanted more. H said that it wasn't going to happen and that was how it ended.

It's awful to know they are willing to jeopardize their family life for something so banal and seedy.

Others will be along with more wisdom and advice later. Having a backbone is the most crucial ingredient for a BS, I think, since it enables you to keep the power--it makes you able to walk away from the M if you aren't given what you need to heal and to trust. And you seem fine there! So self-care and an understanding that this is going to take a lot of time to process is next on the list. IC is really going to be a must for your WH. But if he is remorseful and you don't find this a dealbreaker, know that R is possible.

pieces of truth that keep coming out that I'm mad about now. I feel I can't move forward if these things keep bubbling up.

I'm 9 months out and ^^I am STILL learning crap every week. Something will "strike me" that my WH minimized.

true remorse is usually pretty distinct from false remorse.

^^And my Bullshit Meter was malfunctioning.

But it sounds like your WH is behaving as others would predict. He wants to "protect you from further hurt" and/or not fully admit to what a cad he was.

But you're still early in the process....perhaps this will turn out okay for you.

What happened to you is so common I fact it probably happened to all of us here. I found out about my wife's affair on my own and when I found out about that affair I found out about another one. A month rocks by and I know she still lying to me and another bomb gets dropped on my head, she's had a third one. That sent me back to the Stone Age on reconciling with her. I'm still here and struggling to do it to this day. I sometimes wonder if there's more but she knows that by telling me now would most certainly end us for sure.

I guess I am seeing that it is common for the WS to hide the facts of the A out of fear of hurting or not knowing how the BS is going to handle the information. My brain just has such a hard time accepting that this is how people, especially your own S, decides to treat their loved one. I do not understand the logic behind my own situation. And that is so frustrating.

No. They don't withhold information because they're not sure how their BS will handle it. They withhold info because they don't want to face the consequences of their behavior. So they hide and lie.

Im sure there is more to his story. When they swear you know "everything," but you find out more...either on your own or from a 3rd party...and they swear NOW you know everything...until you find out more...again, not from them...there is always more to tell.

What is he willing to do to R?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I agree with all of the above posters. My Dday is still very fresh, and I am still finding holes in the story. My husband insists he did not have his first affair until after I developed a medical issue that made sex impossible for a while. I went back and looked at my calendar, and it wasn't true. The story I have been told by him is a whitewashed version, I hope to get more clarity in MC.

WS lie, even when caught red handed. Just count on it and you will not be disappointed.

Thank you for all the thoughts to consider and words of encouragement. It truly does help to put things into perspective.

H is trying to show me that he's serious about our Marriage through actions and words. I am just not trusting yet and still have my doubts. I was fooled before so it's hard to let myself believe him. Time is the only thing I can see of helping that.

You never get the full, honest truth out of them on D-Day. They usually only admit to what they absolutely HAVE to.

As time goes on, more truth leaks out. Some of them lie so much to cover their asses that they forget what lies they told and trip themselves up during conversations. Others don't always remember everything they admitted to, so they might leak something thinking they'd already admitted it - and they hadn't. Sometimes, more evidence comes to light and they're forced to admit yet more they'd withheld.

I don't think you ever get the full, honest truth. Most times, they're looking to whitewash everything, blame it on anyone but themselves, claim the OW was the aggressor, try to say they couldn't complete the sex act or they 'threw up' after having sex (that one is particularly hysterical every time I read it) and the list just goes on.

My advice?

Schedule a polygraph test for him and watch him squirm.

Seriously, google "polygraph test + your town" and look at the results. There should be a polygraph office within 100 miles of you. Most tests range from $300-800.

Since your husband is so eager for you to believe that's he REALLY told you the whole truth this time, I would imagine he'd jump at the opportunity to finally prove it to you by taking a poly. It's the perfect way for him to show you how wrong you are in suspecting that he's still not being honest.

.....right?

WS feed us trickle truth because they are afraid of the consequences..

Infidelity in marriage is such a life changing matter..Some WS realize right away that they are at high risk of being thrown out of the house, and being served D papers afterwards..

The WS correctly imagines that he or she will spend the next decade or so working double time to keep up with SS, CS, etc..This is the picture the WS sees that motivates him or her to cake eat and TT..

Many WS want the A and the thrills, but they are not courageous enough to go thru divorce...WS wants the comfort and security of home to be available and accessible for when they are done playing...

I am sorry, I may come off as cynical, but I feel that most WS will try to find the easiest way, not the best way or honorable way to deal with their infidelity..

So you have a truly remorseful WS? Make him prove his remorse..

The poly is a good start..

Also a WS can put his/her money where his/her mouth is if he or she claims to be remorseful and no lies are being hidden

Full cooperation with a post nup that weighs heavily in your favor in case divorce comes into the picture..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:52 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

Like most others, my H fed me TT too. It was a truly terrible experience and caused so much more damage to the M than just the A alone. Has your H read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair? I highly suggest it if not. That book really marked a turning point for my H. Immediately after reading it, he poured out the truth. As horribly painful as it was to hear it, it was so necessary because I knew he was lying before but I couldn't prove it.

Your H needs to realize how much more damage he's causing by lying or omitting things. He is not protecting you or himself. In fact, he is only making things worse and making it harder for you to ever trust him again. Every new revelation is putting you back to square one and causing more and more doubt.

I also requested a timeline--when, where, what lies he told me to get out of the house, etc. That helped clarify some fuzzy points and my H was faced with the reality of what he did in black and white. It was very hard to read it but I equate it to ripping off a Band-Aid.

You are right not to trust your WH right now.

He has broken your trust and with his continued withholding of information it only erodes the trust even further.

Trust is earned and trust is lost by actions. He has lost your trust by his behavior and choices.

It will take a LONG time to truly reconcile and heal from his affair. 2-5 YEARS on average. Saying your sorry and "recommitting" to the marriage is a start but it doesn't erase the anguish, hurt, betrayal, and uncertainty.

Tell him every time you discover something else it starts the healing process over but it becomes and even bigger hole to climb out of because he has lied (even by omission it is lie) again.

If you wouldn't have received the FB message do you think the affair would have actually stopped?

Your WH needs to get into IC and figure out how and why he allowed himself to cheat in the first place. Without that knowledge and understanding he is most likely to repeat the behavior.

If he was on sites to meet people are you sure this is the only OW?

Would your husband agree to a polygraph? This might make you feel better if he answered all the questions YOU have.

Good luck and tread lightly. Rarely, if ever, do we ever know the whole truth. It is simply to ugly for most WS to admit. To the BS or themselves.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:31 PM, July 14th (Monday)]