SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been several years since my D-day, and I've seen lots of advice to tell the OP's spouse.

I have not done that, for one (perhaps cowardly) reason: he has XXX video footage of my WW. She told me initially that it was just her alone, and it didn't show her face. After several cycles of TT, she revealed that there was a lot more activity in the footage, and it had her face but not the OM's face.

My big fear with this is my kids. My nightmare is having a friend of my son saying, "Hey, look at this video! Is that your mom?"

What do you all think?

I'd be letting the man's wife know what's up immediately. For all you know he's shown this video to all of his buddies. Guys like that get off thinking about their conquest. If you don't want your children watching it one day then expose this son of a bitch. He's been thinking all this time he's gotten away with it and has a trophy too. Beside that the man's wife deserve to know about the piece of shit she's living with.

His wife needs to know.

I understand that fear and you're justified in your thinking. You have every right to protect your children. Before you tell his wife I would also see a lawyer and have a letter drawn up stating that he is to turn over every copy of the video and if he "leaks" it to anyone or anywhere you'll take him to court and/or have his ass arrested.

My big fear with this is my kids. My nightmare is having a friend of my son saying, "Hey, look at this video! Is that your mom?"

Many states are now enacted laws against the revenge posting of pictures and videos. In Colorado, they arrested some guy for posting naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend. And the charges against this guy are no laughing matter either.

You might check into your state laws. The law in Colorado just went into effect and this guy is the first to be arrested.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 8:22 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]

My big fear with this is my kids. My nightmare is having a friend of my son saying, "Hey, look at this video! Is that your mom?"

What do you all think?

I think if was gonna post it somewhere he already has.

I still occasionally worry about the same thing, but it's out of my hands, been out of my hands for many years, and I've borrowed enough trouble.

I understand protecting your kids from repercussions by OM.

But are you really protecting them? He might have already have posted it someplace. You're (you and WW) leaving him in control of something potentially dangerous to your children. You're also trusting him to do the right thing and not upload it someplace where your kids could find it. If he were trustworthy he wouldn't be having an affair, making sex videos with another man's wife while married!

The only way to make sure it isn't leaked is for you to make sure it's destroyed. Legal ramifications will help.

Good luck!

K

Wow, Scammed, what an awful list on your profile. ((Scammed)) Have you considered that what she has told you about the video is not true - that she is saying those things to protect OP? I agree with others here - tell the spouse.

I agree with the others. Time to let the cat out of the bag but do it wisely. Protect the rights to that video and make sure that the BS knows who her husband really is. She has a right to know.

A small, tangential thought about protecting your children:

Talk to them about porn!

It's hard, but be courageous.

Explain that a lot of what is out there is coerced from young women who have been told they will be "models", homeless / "disposable" street kids given food-shelter-drugs-attention, trafficked women & children (less from grown men, but yes, them too), as well as stuff stolen from people like your WW.**

Please, please, please, teach your kids there's a lot more to these images than just sex. There's abuse of power and money, drugs, threats to tell loved ones - unsavory things they don't want to be in the loop with.

No need to mention Mom. It's d*mned unlikely they would ever see her... I reckon the chances are one in millions.

You'll be doing your kids AND exploited people a HUGE favor.

** Yes, I understand that not all porn is made this way, but I'm betting a lot of the free and cheap stuff is. Ethics and quality production costs money and bad people are not in it for the art.

What a horrible possibility. Still, sharing that video would be illegal in many states. He could get in serious hot water.

My DDay was 7 years ago. I was told OM's wife was mentally ill. There was no way I knew to verify that and I didn't want to harm another innocent person (they divorced so the mental illness was probably a lie). I do regret not informing her.

The BS needs to know.

Thank you all for your advice. I have decided to tell the OM's wife.

I think you are making a good and respectable choice, Scammed. Please keep us posted on how things go.

I told the OM's wife about her husband's relationship with my WW. You'll be shocked, shocked to find out she knew of multiple affairs he had had, but not this one that lasted almost a decade.

This news was a cannonball to the gut for her, but we ended up meeting face to face. She was quite open about her struggles with her WH. And at the end of our conversation, she had a request: she wanted to meet face-to-face with my WW.

I told her that even though my WW owed her a face-to-face conversation, and so much more, there was no way she would do that. My WW has a strong love of personal comfort and hates open conflict (which is part of the reason she would love nothing more than to have me forever drop the subject of her infidelity). I did tell her I'd ask the WW, thinking this would be just a formality.

However, the WW actually agreed to meet her. So we met at a coffee shop and started an incredibly awkward encounter. Thankfully, the OM's wife didn't scratch my WW's eyes out or disembowel her on the spot, but she mainly wanted to know why the affair occurred. My WW explained multiple times that flirting gradually turned into heavy flirting, and that turned into a PA. And the WW emphasized that the cheaters were the only people at fault, and their spouses did nothing to deserve the pain they have. And my WW repeatedly apologized for her actions, and acknowledged that saying "Sorry" doesn't alleviate the damage. The three of us had this conversation for more than an hour.

It turns out that the guy my WW saw as an alpha male has fallen a few letters down the Greek alphabet. The stud with the six-pack has turned into a dud with a spare tire, and the life of the party now lives with his parents, keeps getting fired from his jobs, and needs rehab. And, oh by the way, his addiction and treatment of his wife has led his teenage children to openly call him a loser to their friends.

And that was when the meeting turned surreal.

The OM's wife grabbed my WW's hand, cried more, looked her in the eyes and said, "I forgive you." (After more than five years since D-day, I myself have never uttered the words "I forgive you" to the WW.) And she added, "You need to fight for your husband. You don't deserve him."

As a bonus, the OM called, and his wife decided to talk to him. And she got to tell him, "Guess who I'm having coffee with right now! Your girlfriend of nine years and her husband!" He spent the next five minutes swearing it was all lies and he had never done anything with my WW. And he spent another ten minutes proclaiming it was all my WW's fault.

My WW has a long, long way to go if she wants to be anything but a temporary live-in nanny that I sleep with. But I cannot deny that when she actually met the OM's wife, she showed a lot of courage. Maybe this can be a turning point.

It's late, so I wrote a reply that wasn't relevant.

Sounds like it went very well.

So many times i spot unremorseful behavior here and try to point it out, but I think your WW did great, owning her responsibilities for her actions, letting the BW know it wasn't her fault, etc. It sounds like she's done some growing and working on herself.. Must say I'm proud her

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 11:27 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

Now that the exposure is over be prepared for the OM to go on a revenge rampage. Its obvious he's a dickhead loser. And being that he has videos it gives him a bit of leverage. Personally I'd lawyer up now and be prepared should he take the tape public. If he does all you can do is fight back legally. As Uthred said he most likely has shown it to his buddies and uses it to boast about his conquests. Being that his life is in a downward spiral he most likely will want payback for informing his BS. The good news is that it will be fairly easy to finish him off now that he is going down the shitter. As for your WW its just another consequence of her piss poor choices in life. She has to live with the drama she herself created. Protect your kids as best you can brother. Now that you have informed OM BS turn your attention back to your WW. She is the one betrayed and broke vows to you. Its all too easy to concentrate your attention and anger on the OP instead of where it belongs, and that's with your WS.

Damn.

I bet all of that was extremely satisfying.

Oh to be sitting at the next table when all that went down. Hah! The OM's wife sounds frankly amazing. I hope your wife takes her words to heart and fights like hell for your marriage.