SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You have your doubts because good sense tells you that a massage at a private house is inappropriate at best and, sneaky, illicit activity at worst. Red flag!

I'd lean toward illicit. You say his friend told him about this place. I want to avoid generalization but most men do not talk about that great massage they got at the health club. They would however brag to a buddy about the happy ending girl.

Has he ever taken you to this place to prove it's legit? I once got a massage from a private residence that was dual zoned for business. It was legit. Of course IDK if a big tip gets extra service.

But to answer your first question. Nah. FWW showed me twice that her vows don't mean anything. And mine are still good until one of us dies.

Sarah,

You guys need to see a professional to deal with this.

It really sounds like you have a serial cheater on your hands and he is not telling you everything.

Don't rugsweep this. My FWS even went to MC the first time I caught him and lied his ass off and continued to cheat for another four years.

The cheating spouse has to WANT to change and do the hard work to find out what is broken in themselves. No amount of ceremonies will change them.

Good luck.

k9

Yes, my gut is saying there is more to this private house. When I said to him, if I went there I could get a massage too then? He replied, oh I don't know if they massage females. WTF If it was legit then male or female wouldn't matter. Yes I would like him to take me there although I doubt he will. My thing has always been that if it was just innocent, why be secretive about it. He said thinking about it, they may do more than just massages but he swears it was just a massage. I just want to move on from all of this and I am trying but I think this is one last thing I need closure on. I have told him, if anything else happens then that's absolutely it... no more chances ever. No excuses, nothing. Reading through everyones stories and seeing many ddays, how do you get past that. Although, I never thought I could stay with my husband after one or maybe two if this other wasn't just a massage. I guess I just love him too much.

You can just tell him that if you are to consider R he MUST take you to the place where he had the massage. We all know what's going on here and I know it's an awful realization for you. I'm am so sorry for your pain but, I want to reiterate a couple of things.

1- He has MAJOR issues! I understand you live in a small town but, if you are to have a chance at successful R, you both must, MUST get into IC. I said up thread and, will say it again, this will NOT just go away. He can tell you he won't do it anymore and, he will probably mean it but, if he has an addiction he won't be able to. That means this will keep breaking your heart over and over until you have enough.

2 - He is NOT going to fess up to anything that you can't prove. He just isn't. What he has been doing is all kind of wrong and he knows it. He most likely is afraid that if you knew everything you will probably leave him so, he is going to minimize the hell out of what you do know.

I don't mean to be harsh but, it sounds like you must have a history of looking the other way and my bet is that he counting on you to do the same now. I know you love him but, I hope you love him enough to hold him accountable for being the husband he promised you he would be. Unfortunately, left to his own very bad coping skills, he will eventually slip back into his old and familiar ways.

outtanowhere, he said it was just a massage but my gut is saying it wasn't and why be secretive about it if it was only a massage? As much as I want to believe him, I don't and as you say he will think I can't prove it so he won't admit it. I found something today that I will be discussing with him so I hope he admits to whatever happened there fully to save me bringing it what I found. In our town there are a lot of legit massage places that work from home but they have signs and phone numbers to book an appointment. This one apparently you just turn up??? very questionable I think. He said he thought they may do more than a massage but he only got a massage????

I'm not sure about the massage thing, although it sure does seem kinda dicey.

As for the renewing vows thing, I, personally would NOT do it. IMHO, the only thing sufficient would be to D and remarry, to get every trace of the OP out of our M.

The way I see it, renewing our vows would simply be like a band-aid cover for the damage that is always going to be there. Starting over would help to erase a lot of it, although not all. Renewing vows after an A is almost like validating the damage he did and agreeing to make it a part of the marriage now.

I don't know, maybe that's just me.

I get what you are saying, however in your situation, and I have read other posts, I think doing it at this point would be the bow on the present to rugsweeping this thing.

I do think renewing vows is a great thing when you have done the work, and actually healed. To do it now, even with a remorseful spouse, is like getting married and then dating someone.

After infidelity your M the way you knew it or believed it to be is dead. Now you have to start over, and rebuild. It takes tons of hard work from both you and your spouse. It takes years to get this done.

We didn't have an official renewal of vows, we did have a private (just us) event that was planned where we wrote our promises to each other for the future. It wasn't really a renewal of vows, but a these are things that I promise to you from this point forward. It was wonderful, peaceful, and healing. But we didn't do this until after a year of R.

I'm also afraid your interest in renewing your vows shows an inclination towards you wanting to rugsweep. It's not appropriate right now, ESPECIALLY if he wants to do it.

I don't believe him when he says the private home thing was just a massage. PP are right, massage at a private home is shady. (After I saw a guy for a legit massage at the office several times, he suggested his private home since it was closer to where I lived. He was the best masseuse I had found to date but I never went back. Creeped me out.) He couldn't look you in the eyes. Now, he will staunchly protect that story.

It's impossible to know if he is remorseful at only one month out.

I know you are in pain. I know you want some sense that it's over or your pain will get better but there is no healthy way to do that this early on.

Please don't mention vow renewal to him. It would advertise your desperation to avoid the hard work of R. If he's not remorseful, and only going through the motions, he will seize upon the opportunity to start jerking your emotions around with manipulations aimed exactly at your weak spots.

Slow down. You can not rush real R.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 10:32 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]

We renewed vows after I found evidence that my SAWH was seeing prostitutes. We renewed vows 4 years after dday. 2 years after the renewal, I'm planning our divorce. This is way too early to think of renewing vows and I unfortunately believe you only know the tip of the iceberg with regards to your WH's activities. A massage at a private house sounds like sex with a prostitute. Admitting contact with 2 sex workers sounds like many, many unadmitted encounters with other sex workers. My husband confessed to paying for sex with 3-5 sex workers in 2008. Now, he currently confesses that it was more like 10+. And I'm sure he's still lying. I'm so, so, sorry. Please focus right now on getting tested for STDs and bringing healing and sanity to yourself but right now this man cannot be trusted. What he's saying doesn't make sense and it likely is not true.

Thankyou for the replies. For those that haven't seen other posts, he eventually told me the 'massage' at the private house was a happy ending one. I knew it wasn't right.

As for renewing our vows, after listening to everyone here and thinking about it. I don't think it would make a difference... if he can't keep to our first vows, why would he keep to the second lot. So that idea is out the window.

I'm so sorry. I'm glad he admitted what happened though.

I am glad you decided against it at this point. Maybe down the road things will be different but you don't have to make that decision now.

I suggested renewing our vows in Vegas. I wanted to get married by Elvis. That is the sort of whacky thing we used to do. This was during the A, before I found out. After the A he was all gung-ho about doing it. Nope. Never.

sorry - didnt see the stop sign

[This message edited by finallyfree2011 at 1:34 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]

I told my husband, "No, I won't renew my vows with you as I never make the same mistake twice"

finallyfree2011, I would like to hear your result of your renewed vows. I'm happy to get a private message from you seeing you cannot post to this section of the forum.

My husband and I renewed our vows on our 14th wedding anniversary. We got new rings and had the ceremony in front of our church congregation and our children and grandchildren. We plan to start counting our anniversary's as if we had never been married before. It was his suggestion to prove how serious he is about recovering our married life. Making a clean start makes sense to us.

3 1/2 years out.

I am sorry to sound so negative & cynical.

I have been married twice/taken vows with 2 men, & both of them cheated on me.

I know that there are exceptions -----in fact, the faithful men on this site give me hope for humanity. But, obviously, to many people, vows mean nothing.

I took my wedding ring off & handed it to WH when he would not stop contact with OW Slunt , & I put it back on when he stopped contact, moved back home, & we decided to try to R.

I have never broken my vows, so why would I take them again-----just so WH can take them again? They obviously meant nothing to him the first time,so why would this be different?

I still am not 100% sure that I have the entire story from WH. He has been doing *some* of "the work" in finding out "his whys", & I am waiting patiently to see if he will do any more.

(((sarahstar)))

I know you are looking for something to make this better, but just wait. Wait & watch. He can say anything---words are cheap. See if he really does the hard work.

Give this some time & watch his actions.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:25 PM, November 22nd (Saturday)]