SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He spent over $15,000 going to all kinds of these places and claims he never did the deed. That it was just a massage. I know more about these places than ever. I even called the police after I found business cards in his wallet, CL postings he printed out, phone numbers in his phone. I am sick inside. We are in MC but my gut says things went much further than he will admit at these places. He also had/has a major Internet porn thing going on. He starts his day looking at various sites, chatting, then gets ready for work.

Any input? He says he will "stop" and is going to SAA. I have my doubts as he has not turned out to be the person I thought I married.

Married 10 years

DD 2/2014

The calls to police about the AMP/Asian Massage Parlors were met with laughs. They will not go after them because they say they do not have the money.

The calls to police about the AMP/Asian Massage Parlors were met with laughs. They will not go after them because they say they do not have the money.

So they do more than.happy ending massages at these parlors? Ugh I feel sick and am now imagining he did more at the parlor. (I know of one parlor, but he admitted to body massages and blow jobs from hookers).

I feel your pain. So, so sorry. :(

Removed

[This message edited by somebody at 11:18 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

Hi What, I can certainly understand your concerns $15,000 is a lot of money he didnt spend that overnight looking at porn or having a normal massage. He obviously has been doing this for a while. I think you need to get a hold of the credit card statements and call the places that appear on them and find out what kind of establishments they are. I would be banning him from internet porn and from going to those places, and tell him you will give him the massages and see what his reaction to that is. I am sorry but I dont believe that he was NOT having sex at the massage parlors. I think the whole truth is not out yet. Get yourself tested for STDs. I for one would not be happy with my H doing any of these things. How much longer can you put up with it?

Seriously? $15,000.00 is a lot of money to spend on such sexual activities and not having sex. That's so absurd it's hard to absorb. There is not a snowball's chance in hell that the story is anything like what he is trying to get you to believe.

He has been busted and is shell shocked that you actually found out. Now he has to scramble to make up some complete bullshit in hopes you will buy into something you desperately want to believe.

Just breathe. It is exactly what you think it is. I was exactly where you are a year and a half ago. Looking back, I wish I had made him leave just so I could catch my breath and collect my thoughts. My guess is that he has become addicted and you are now facing your future with an addict if you choose to stay with him. It's hard. As another wise poster said once, it's not even *normal* infidelity. Run, don't walk to IC and DEMAND that he go too. A trained professional should evaluate him for sex addiction but, right now, just breathe and read up. It's mentally, physically and spiritually exhausting so just focus on you right now. It shouldn't matter right now what he wants. It should be all about you!

Take care

^^^^what outtanowhere said

People who really get "just massages" go to real, licensed, therapeutic maseeurs. AND they. Tell. Their. Spouses.

You are both shocked. His secret is out.mfor him, he's scrambling to diffuse the damage in ways he's always done to cope: more secrets, lies, hiding, gaslighting, etc.

For you, the shock relates to confronting this man's dual identity: the husband you know, and the dark person.

Find an IC BUT please vet the IC. Ask him/her first their take on things like porn's capacity to damage a marriage. Too many IC's seem to take a "boys will be boys" stance, and you do not need that shit right now.

You cannot control or change him. That's the shitty, sad, desperate news. But you can protect yourself AND define what you will tolerate in your life.

Finally, here is a link to the sex addicts thread here:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=531356

You will find kindred, co passionate souls there,mfacing similar crisis' as yours. Even if you aren't ready to call him a sex addict, the people there will understand your plight and pain.

((((Hug))))

*******this may be triggering for some -- sexually explicit *******

My husband went to these brothels aka massage parlors. About 160.00 per transaction (usually 80.00 for massage, then 80.00 "tip" for extras. As far as I know -- most places are happy endings only -- meaning hand jobs. I have heard of other places offering oral and more. My husband had a secret credit card that listed his business address instead of our home address. Demand a credit check done right before your eyes. You need his ssn and his permission. You will see where the money went. It will show if he took out loans too. Mine did.

Don't bother calling these places. They won't tell you what they offer over the phone. A lot of them are word of mouth. One he went to was a HAIR SALON that offered extras. Not. Even. Kidding.

There are websites that guys go on to rate the massage parlors. Usually listed by state. You can easily look up the names of the places he has been to and see what "services" they provide. Be prepared -- it is creepy, slimy & disgusting -- reading about what these (mostly) married men have done.

I am so sorry you are here. You will get lots of great advice here.

Oh my. Look, outtanowhere is exactly right. This cesspool that has been opened up in your life is gut wrenching. You are in shock and battered. It will affect you both mentally and physically. You MUST practice self care at this time. Take care that you sleep when you can, get exercise...just walk if you can't muster the energy for anything else, and eat if you can. Start to take back control of your life; start by seeking medical testing for STDs. MC is okay, but my strong opinion is you'd do better with individual counseling right now. (Him too....but he's not my concern right now). Next I would seek advise from an attorney to find out exactly where you stand legally in the event of separation or divorce. It isn't the right time to make any big decisions right now, but you will feel empowered by getting all the info you need, and begin to take care of yourself. It's your job to do so, as he has failed to do it.

Yes, you feel 'sick' , because this is sick behavior. You are living with someone you don't really know...it's beyond devastating.....and all of us on SI have experienced your feelings to a certain degree. You're going to be alright What, you really are. It's just an awfully long painful road. We will be here for you.

Oh, and yes, I called the police and wanted them to arrest the prostitute my WH went to, and they burst out laughing at me too. No more pornography in my house though. None. I can't handle it, and obviously neither could he.

Don't bother calling the police. Truth is, everyone knows these 'massage parlors' are thinly veiled prostitution houses but the cops aren't going to run there and drag everyone out in cuffs just because your husband was stupid enough to blow $15,000 of MARITAL ASSETS on getting some cheap thrills.

I think he's a real dope if he thinks for one second that you're going to believe he spent all this time and money at massage parlors but was a little choir boy and never crossed the line. What the hell color is the air on HIS planet?

This is pretty much the same as going to prostitutes. But he's still lying to protect himself. You can't even begin to reconcile with a liar, so right now that would be wasted effort.

When he decides to get HONEST, I guess then you'll have to decide exactly what your limit is and if you want to put in the effort of forgiving and reconciling with him.

Good luck to you.

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here.

Forget your husband for a second. Please get yourself involved with COSA. There are telemeetings if you aren't ready to do a face to face meeting yet and there is a Yahoo group, too, where a lot of women give each other support. Here, on SI, in the I Can Relate section you will find a a Spouses of Sex Addicts thread that has a lot of helpful info, especially at the top of the thread.

Now to what happens at AMPs--everything. There are legitimate ones and those that offer sex, up to and including full service vaginal and anal intercourse. I am so sorry but the amount spent alone suggests that your husband has been engaged in sex at these places and possibly more than the run-of-the-mill manual stimulation.

Please, get yourself tested for STDs and get yourself support. You are among friends here.

dupe

[This message edited by determinata at 1:10 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

dupe

[This message edited by determinata at 1:09 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

I'm sorry to have that happen to you. I hope you can stay strong through this whole matter. I know sites like Rub Maps has lot of those men who commit affairs.

I am stunned at how frequently he went to these places. Sometimes he went 2-3 times a week. And if I was working late he would come home then go out again for some more "fun". He never said a word EVER. He claims it was never cheating, he always loved me, he compartmentalized it all. The Internet porn, the massage parlors, the CL postings. Now he is going to SAA. $15,000 remains gone. Never to be found again. His sister said his dad was a player and I know he was very close to his dad. Now he is doing his best church boy act but I do not buy it. I am sure he will cave again. It was 4 solid years he did all this. He even set up a match.com acct. different age and city "because he wanted to see what came up". What more lies come up I need to brace myself for.

I sincerely hope that you both are seeing a certified sex addiction counselor. I promise, this is as serious as it gets and you both need to be learning how to go forward. For him, he needs to learn what motivates him to seek out and pay for sex with strangers when he has a wife who most likely has been longing for an intimate relationship with him for a very long time. Make no doubt about it. It IS addiction and he will have to be VERY determined to live a sober life from now on. It is extremely hard work and there will slip ups that can be devastating.

For you, it is all about helping validate all those feelings you have had over the years buts couldn't put your finger on. All the times he assured you that things were "just fine" and, since you desperately wanted to believe that, you did. You have to learn to detach from him right now or you are in for more heartache. This is something I didn't understand for a very long time as it seemed counterproductive if you are hoping to stay together. You really have to look at him as someone you don't really know because, sadly, you don't.

You are however, keenly aware of what he is capable of and, that my friend, is where our souls can be crushed. You are not responsible for any of this even tho I'm sure he is helping you believe the contrary. This was most likely present before you even knew him so, please don't buy into the notion that if you had only been this or done that. It's not about you!

You will learn more and it will set you back a few paces. Another good reason to see the CSAT sooner rather than later so you can start learning how to deal with the information.

Please get into counseling. The vets here tried to tell me that anything less than a CSAT was a waste of time and, they were right. Due to financial barriers we went with a Christian counselor who is completely in the dark about this insidious addiction. I think I should charge him for the education he has gotten since I've been seeing him!

It's seriously mind twisting in every conceivable way so, please, take care of yourself. So many things are hard to understand when you are just beginning this road but, it will make sense later. Try to trust the ones who have gone before you. They truly have your best interest at heart.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 3:10 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

(((WHAT1675)))

I am so sorry this has happened to you. My husband went to these places for many years. Today he is a new man and fully remorseful, transparent & present. But it took a long time to get here. 1st dday he minimized, went for massages & HJ or BJ, for a couple years. We went to MC but she was awful, told me to draw a line in the sand & move forward & he continued to lie & lie by omission & blame the marriage. He read "how to help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair" & things got better, especially in him understanding my pain & triggers. We were working on us...

2 yrs. later, last summer at this time, I found some more info, told him I need total honesty to be married & got the full truth. They do anything at those places. We have both been in IC since last July. He has been vulnerable & shared things from his childhood I never knew. I can only imagine how hard it is to admit something so terrible you have done.

He has not cheated since March of 2011 & been truly working on himself since last summer and our relationship is beyond my dreams. I am the strongest I ever have been. I still feel pain, but no longer the knives in my chest, but an ache, sadness that will always be a part of me.

You will survive this. I recommend IC for both of you, you to help heal from this trauma, him to find out why he would do this & to work on himself. Boundaries- no massages, full transparency, ect. You have access to phone, computer history. He should not be defensive or blame the marriage.

I'm so sorry, my heart is aching for you because I have been there.

But you will be ok. Drink water, exercise, eat clean. Journal and write here

(((WHAT1675)))

[This message edited by forgivingnow at 3:25 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:48 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

Nikk, besides your post being incredibly offensive and insensitive, it doesn't belong here on this forum.

Those of us here are trying to deal with the discovery that our partners have violated the sacredness of our marriages and don't by any means appreciate your not so subtle suggestions that somehow this has happened thru some fault of our own.

Unfortunately you sound like you are completely buying into the absurd notion that any woman who who charge you for any kind of sex act actually has any interest in you other than your wallet.

You should be posting in the wayward forum if you want to share your *wisdom*.

We aren't buying it.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 8:01 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]