SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Figured out the passcode on her phone.

I don't get access to it much, but she is very confident that it's locked. The code is her birthday. She's a fucking genius.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 8:17 PM, August 29th (Friday)]

Living well really is the best revenge!

She has sent me several texts and said several times recently that she is angry/upset that I seem to be happy while she is suffering over the end of our marriage.

For those of you not paying attention, SHE cheated on ME!

I just tell her that I'm not doing anything to intentionally upset her, that I've just accepted the situation and am working to better myself.

I care less and less every day.

Glad to see that her being out of her mind hasn't changed at all. From a few posts back of yours...maybe there is some truth to trouble in paradise on her end? Not everything she thought it would be with OM?

Did you find anything new on that phone? Or same old crap verifying what you already know?

Continue to stay strong ChangeMaker!

yop

Hey YOP,

I haven't been able to get at the phone. I really only care about her legal strategy now. I can honestly say I don't give two shits who she's fucking as long as she's taking proper care of my kids.

She's off to her lawyer today. She called me to tell me that she is sick to her stomach, has a sore throat and a runny nose. Are these common symptoms of slutitis?

Well, it happened.

STBXWW just came over to pick up the oldest D to take her to visit her Grampa and Nana who are quite ill.

She gave me a letter, which basically outlined all the things she thought I did wrong in our relationship, but finished by asking me to hold her.

I told her that it is no longer my job to hold her. She gave that job away. Go get your boyfriend to hold you.

Anyway, things progressed until she was begging me, and ended with her promising not to stop trying, that she would do anything, and finally with me moving away from her attempt to embrace me.

She left in tears without my D, who was very excited to be going to see her Papa.

She's still selfish.

I really empathize with your kids CM. BTDT myself but was older and understood more.

I know it couldn't have been easy to stand up to her like that but proud of you for doing so. Keep fighting for you and this kids. Your stbx doesn't get it and probably never will. It's probably not the last you are going to see of her behavior. Exe

Stooopid phone.

Expect her to show you more of that selfish behavior. I'm sure as you said before everything is probably not ok in la la land and this may be her back asswards way of reaching out to you as her plan b.

Keep moving forward CM. Proud of you.

yop

I post my journey here now to show other men what happens. What to expect.

I got the old "I never meant to hurt you". I asked her what she thought it would do. Why didn't she ask me if I wanted to watch if she didn't think it would hurt me?

If you are living in limbo, afraid to push her away by being tough and risking it all... take your balls out of her purse and be a man!

I don't want my STBXWW because she's a lying, cheating, selfish slut, but if you want yours... the game plan should be the same.

Time to nut up, or shut up boys.

Hey Change Maker, I don’t post much but your post compelled me to reply. You said that you post your journey to show people how things are done. I believe you acted admirably and I wanted to comment. There’s a saying on this board that the opposite of Love isn’t hate, but indifference. Hate is an emotion, and so long as one get’s emotional during interactions, it can show people that there is something left for them to work with.

I told her that it is no longer my job to hold her. She gave that job away. Go get your boyfriend to hold you.

Now, if this was stated to her as a cold hard fact, and with little to no emotion, then it came across loud and clear to your STBXWW. Think about this for a second. Imagine your fishing, and the prize fish is still in your favourite pond. Imagine that instead of the solitude that a lot of people seek when fishing is replaced by a desire to catch said prize fish. Now, imagine that the bait, which used to get this fish to nibble on, goes completely unnoticed by our said prized fish.

One hour goes by, then another, then another, then after the whole day your lure hasn’t even been touched and all you see are wisps of your sought after prize whipping around said pond nowhere near your lure and how hopeless it seems in order to catch them. What does one do if the best bait in the world doesn’t even stir said fish in the slightest?

Personally, I believe that this is what waywards try to achieve with baiting BS’s. They may try to get a rise out of you be they man or woman in order to see if you’ll bite. The fear rises in them once they realize that the best bait in the country won’t even turn your head and THAT is when they begin to get afraid. THAT is why so many on this board tell people to do a 180 and stick to it, to show as little emotion as possible even if your insides are screaming.

It’s a different timeline for everyone, and while the methods may differ may they be inflammatory or false reconciliatory, the outcome is probably still the same. Will you take a bite and show that they still have some sort of influence on you? By not even flinching is how you take your power back, and that shows them that they have only two choices going forward from this moment onward. It’s put up or shut up and be you a man or a woman, the choices are still the exact same.

Well done ChangeMaker.

[This message edited by mrmaximum at 5:58 PM, September 5th (Friday)]

Well said, Mr. Max.

It was said as a cold, hard fact. No malice. No raised voice. Just like you tell someone at work when something is not your responsibility - go see Fred, that's his job.

Well, I've been feeling much more positive toward her lately. I don't feel the rage and anger anymore. I don't know why.

I am still pissed though about something and I can't say anything to her about it. The VAR keeps telling me that she is bringing the kids home and letting them watch TV from the moment they wallk in the door until the minute she puts them to bed (late). Oh well. Her time, her parenting.

She's very suspicious of my lack of anger and rage. She still thinks I'm banging my lawyer, and I've done nothing to dissuade her from this thought.

ETA: The VAR also tells me that she has a hellacious time getting them to bed because she doesn't follow the routine, and lets them negotiate at every turn.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 11:14 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)]

ChangeMaker - new to your story but catching up on this thread brings back all sorts of familiar memories for me.

My dday was Jan 2011 - I was the same age as you with WW the same age as yours and my kids were 7 and 4. My WW was just as fucking crazy as yours and all the wavering to and fro was just as you describe and so was the ongoing A.

So I wanted to just say a few things. First up, I am very impressed with how you and handling all of this - wish that I had had your poise and focus. Good job.

Secondly, its a tough game D for sure and you will need all of that poise and focus to hold your nerve when you need to. I played a long game on this - legal S then D later (actually only final early this year). I also played nice and kept emotion out of it. My anger and hurt came out elsewhere - in safe places. The result - I got exactly what I wanted - joint custody of the kids, CS as mandated, no SS and 50/50 asset split. I kept the house.

Third - expect all manner of crazy bullshit from her. She will keep coming back again and again as reality hits. My experience was that it hit in waves, each more serious than the last until she finally started to understand the consequences. This bit is difficult for sure, and you need to stand firm through it all. Sounds to me like you will.

And of course she is angry. You made her cheat. This is your fault for all the things you did or didn't do when you were together. It can't be her fault, because that would make her a bad person and she's not a bad person. This just happened. And now she's losing that power that she needs to have over you. And that's your fault too. You're cheating on her now - with your lawyer!! Fuck me - what a lot of shite. Ignore all of her rants for that is all they are - nonsensical rants.

There will come a time when she calms down, although it may be quite some time in the future. There may even come a time when she sees this for what it is, but I wouldn't count on that (even now after 3.5 years, my XW still blames me). Either way, it doesn't much matter now. Your job is to keep moving onwards.

I climb as a hobby, and there is a point on every route where it gets really hard to stay on the rock. Your fingers ache and your arms are burning. You need to move upwards. Clinging on is not an option - it will exhaust you and you will fall. Keep climbing up mate - you're doing great.

V

I just can't stop laughing at how waywards try to blame their spouse for the reasons they cheat as with her letter, then start sobbing and begging to be taken back. LMAO!!!

Goes to show, infidelity has nothing to do with the betrayed spouse, just the wayward. They have to sort their own sh!t out.

Hey ChangeMaker, sounds like things are going great. That's so good to hear. Just one thing: If you're not going to actually bang your lawyer, mind if I bang her?

She is pretty hot, mhca. You go right ahead!

Mr. Max posted earlier that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. I agree. I have achieved indifference.

Last night, STBXWW came over. We talked about the sale of our house a bit, then decided to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix. That used to be our thing, and neither of us has watched it since we split.

Anyway, the short story is; we had sex. Yes, I used a condom.

It was pretty good for me. No real emotion, just sex. I don't know what was going through her head, and I don't much care. She left shortly thereafter, sent me a couple of texts and that was it. Haven't heard another word.

So much for my model behaviour in surviving infidelity!

I think it's great. I don't care if she goes and fucks the OM today, tomorrow or the next day. She was/is now just a piece of ass for me.

I'm expecting some 2x4's here, but I'm not sure I will care. I am truly indifferent enough about her that fucking her has no emotional impact on me at all. Other than the ego boost, of course.

Hi,

Just wanted to chime in with some pieces from my experiences.

One is a warning. As I read your thread, CM, I notice that you and she are doing the "dance". What I mean is that as you pull away, she will come closer for a time, as she realizes that you're going your own way and stopped chasing her. That's very confusing to a person who wants us to hang on while they need us and often tactics are used to reel us back in. Be weary at reconcile attempts and Be strong.

The other thing that came to mind when I read your thread is that in the state where I live, issues related to money aren't very negotiable, such as child support. Here, it's based on the x's salary and though there is wiggle room, like for a "deal" we made, once the "deal" is done, the child support will be run by the state again. That portion of things won't matter a whole lot in regard to her wishes. It's kind of funky, too, because he's ambitious but rethinking that as such a part of his paycheck doesn't go to him or the OW now.

She sounds like something of an actress, as the x I had is. And it really startled me to learn that if a person had nature/nurture prior to cheating, it all kind of goes out the window as they put in sight their "new life" and leave behind their "old one." Kids are not priority to many leaving parents, though to us stayed parents, it's shocking. Here, the x left kids behind many times until he was "ready" and now is DisneyLand dad, working over time to woo them back.

It's a long and winding road. The day I learned to do the poker face and not speak when he shows up to collect "our" kids was the best of my life with him (20 years). And, the last words my voice said to him, for all time, were "FU"...and I'm not usually a swearing person, but he brings out the very worst in me.

Apologies for the long post and good luck.

House goes on the market today!

There have been no further sexual encounters. I'm just not feeling it. I have other things going on in that department now.

She has indicated a few times that she'd like to talk about us, and that she doesn't want to "close the door", but it doesn't matter. It's over.

I hope this albatross sells quickly so I can get the fuck out of Dodge.

The house is sold! Conditions come off by Friday (inspection, etc, standard stuff).

Our separation agreement is very close to complete as well. I'm hoping to have that baby signed this week.

We have been getting along very well lately, even though we are both sad about what is happening. She has continued to mention that we may get back together later... I just nod and say maybe.

I know there are people on this site who firmly believe in R, but the successes seem very few and the costs too high. If I am ever betrayed this way again, I will pull the trigger on D-Day and end the relationship. Infidelity is a deal-breaker for me. I know this now.

Congrats CM! That is great news!

I'm with you on the infidelity thing. Once was enough for me. I'm not eating the sh*t sandwich. I applaud those that can and do but it is not my thing.