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HI Cordelia

I understand your questions and pain. I felt just the same. My husbands other party was very very attractive, blonde, very fit and slim. She is a gifted singer and was his 'leading lady' on stage.

It broke my heart. Because like all of the posts above I understood that she was an emotional vampire, but none of that mattered. In the end his actions at the time showed me that he valued her physical attractiveness and availability above all the values I thought we shared.

It turned over and over in my head. I am ok looking, I once was slim tall and had a great figure. For the last 13 years I have struggled with yo yo weight gain and body image. (Mind you so did my H.).

However, I thought he and I were a meeting of the minds. That our values, talents, and strength of character reflected our 'true' connection.

I still, 2.5years out look at her images. I can see by current photo's she is beginning to show her middle age. Still has a great figure, probably still can sing. But she is beginning to look worn by life (maybe by her poor choices).

I just want you to know you have been heard and understood. That I have been where you are now. That it matters less to me now and over time I hope will fade even more.

From the early months (and to some point now) I felt some comfort by allowing myself the time to attend to my health, hair and beauty regime. It helped my confidence. I knew and know it is only a superficial comfort but I treat it like my armour or camouflage. You might have a different armour.

MegM

I think I know why he did it - the combination of events and stresses culminating together - and I think we can fix it - it sort of has been fixed I suppose. Except for the lies and me having to come to terms the fact that he still b@#$dy did it! If only he would come clean I know we could fix it properly, i.e. so that I can stop fixating on it, or at least fixating less, so I can try to enjoy life again.

MegM, I agree. I thought I had that relationship too - we tried to get fit together, re-vamped our diet together, in fact, over the years we mostly spent time in each other's company rather than anyone else's. I feel I need to work on my image and feel good about myself.

MegM, are you reconciled now?

[This message edited by Cordelia at 7:07 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Hi Cordelia

I wish I could say Yes! with an exclamation mark. I don't yet see journeys end. I do trust that we are travelling together - and that means a lot.

For me this is image that works best. The choice to reconcile was the propellant and that reconciling is a verb - an action - like travelling. One day I hope we can say we have reconciled - Like we have travelled. But we are not yet at journeys end.

I do know the choice to reconcile had to be made and demonstrated by us both. I had a number of condition for me to be prepared to take that path. The first was total honesty and full disclosure.

It took us about two - three months of work, journaling and talking (and screaming, fighting, crying, leaving) to get there. It was so painful, Much information I had to completely extract from him, until he finally committed to the truth and spent a full three days with the only exception of sleeping, eating and taking an hour out for the children - to write a complete timeline and narrative for me.

Without this I would not have been prepared to even begin. As painful as all the other choices were the most painful would have been to continue living with his lies.

Every now and then I still trigger and have doubts about wether I have full disclosure. But when I am not in those moments I recognise them as 'shadows' of my trauma - my fear trying to protect me - and fear is not a very good protector.

Anyway - sorry for the long reply.

Meg

MegM, thank you for that. I really feel I need to get the full truth out of him but it is so hard, he is sticking hard and fast to his story. That is why I've been so obsessed with finding out more, getting just something that he can't make up a far-fetched story about. If only I could get his old cell number (he changed it so she couldn't find him, apparently, but she was clever) records. If he phoned or texted before he said he met her, that would be a hard one to make up a story about. Difficult to get though.

Makes me wonder...if someone is beautiful and all that, but her only prospect is a married man, then there must be something off about her.

Character and beauty don't necessarily go hand in hand.

Dear Cordelia

I just to offer you something that was said to me in the very early days. His disclosure is not your responsibility.

I have just had a read over your history of posts to get my head around some of the detail. There are many parallels to our story, including your partner's unexplained panic attacks.

From your posts - I can see you 'know' he has been unfaithful. At the moment disclosure is both his responsibility and opportunity.

You can not do this for him. You hve a lot of choices in front of you. If you are staying in the relationship without disclosure - I think it is important you continue to get some confidence that he is not actively unfaithful at the moment.

But outside of that - you deserve disclosure and you will want to verify it when / if it is offered.

It is early days - you don't have to make any choices right now - but you can't do his work for him nor make his choices for him.

Protect and look after yourself Cordelia.

Meg.

Ow2 is "pretty" in my husbands words. He found both attractive but would look through ow2s pics all the time and get then on snapchat.

It s another hit on my feelings of my husbands worth for me. But realistically, it doesn't matter how pretty you are if youre a shallow, empty, selfish, family destroying slut.

The OW is a direct opposite of me. I am 5 foot, 100lbs, size 3, natural blond. I am German from my dad's side, with Native American on maternal side. Because of the PI, I knew a lot about the OW before coming face to face with her. While she is well put together, dresses very well, she is not 'beautiful.' She is tall and athletic with no boobs. Upstairs there is nobody home as I understand from both the BH and my EX that she knew nothing about world affairs and really couldn't carry on a conversation. But she didn't need to. She was easy and convenient and she didn't look so spiffy and put together upon confrontation.

My waywards OW Is no looked, and not to toot my own horn, but I am way more attractive than her. And I had the opportunity to tell her that when I confronted her in her driveway. I said "He's f**king you, your f**king ugly!!!" ....took back a little of my power if for only a little while. So to answer your question. I absolutely feel better that she's ugly. And I also felt pretty good asking my husband "Is that tue best you can do? You f**k that?" (with a look of disgust on my face)

if she was beautiful, I'd feel worse.

The OW is exactly my age, very normal looking. Of course I have done all the comparisons in my head and though I am normally a teeny bit insecure I can rest assured he wasn't with her because she was prettier, smarter, kinder, a better person or had a better body.

My favorite lines in the confrontation the three of us had a couple weeks after DDay:

I asked, "Is THIS what you want? THIS?!?"

FWH, crying, with snot hanging out of his nose, said in front of her, "No! You, my wife of 29 years, the one I love, is what I want, not HER!"

I yelled, "Why should I stay?" And he replied, "Because you promised you would give me another chance!"

I have to revisit that moment sometimes to remember she heard that out of HIS mouth. It helps.

She seemed pretty humbled.

For me this is image that works best. The choice to reconcile was the propellant and that reconciling is a verb - an action - like travelling. One day I hope we can say we have reconciled - Like we have travelled. But we are not yet at journeys end.

I appreciate this quote. Thanks!

You seem focused on the "blonde" aspect. There's no correlation between hair color and beauty to my knowledge. Personally, I prefer brunettes and your husband probably does too if he married you.

I wouldn't focus on her looks. None of us are the prettiest, most handsome, slimmest, best dressed, etc. There's always someone out there better in someone's highly subjective opinion. Marriage is about commitment, not about the constant search for a better, younger, slimmer model. If your husband doesn't get that, he doesn't deserve your love and respect.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 10:54 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

My situation is strange. My H had a ONS with a coworker and felt horrible immediately after....felt even worse after giving me chlamydia. He HATES the skank now.

But before, he was attracted to her. Very much. In fact in 21 years together she was the first woman that really pressed his buttons. She is very attractive, 13 years younger than me (she was 27 and I was a few months shy of 40), no stretch marks or cellulite, she was a fitness buff and had won contests for her body.

He had an acute attack of stress at work and she was right there to offer an escape. I know for a FACT that if it had been anyone else, he wouldn't have gone through the sex act. He loves me very much, was very happy in this marriage, and is a man of strict integrity. SHE struck at a very weak moment and it only worked because she was very attractive and my H was very into her (physically, nothing emotional at all).

This tears me up. I will never feel like he really is into my AGING body again. I know what presses his buttons....and it isn't aging women. So while I know he loves me, I also know men are visual and attracted to YOUTH. This sucks!!!!!!!

And I don't suffer from low self esteem. I feel great about myself....I just have huge doubts that my H thinks as highly of me as I think of myself. I know I am wonderful inside and out and am a much better human being than that skank.

Cordelia, I can relate to a few things you've referred to. The suspected OW in my case looks very similar to me, but is a few years older and short. I'm 5'7" and my WBF prefers petite girls because he's like 5'10". Anyway, I've always felt sexy at my height, but I noticed since I started dating him 4 yrs ago, I've become insecure about my height, knowing his preference for petite. (He's also completely denying any wrongdoing and I have some proof and disclosure from someone close to him)

I agree with others that infidelity brings out insecurity regardless of the attractiveness of the OP. But there's an extra sting if the OP is very attractive. ((Hugs))

Sara

Maybe this will make you feel better. My Dday was in 2006. I wrote a post similar to yours. I thought she was beautiful - she was. 11 years my junior.

Now... she's 30 and I'm 41. I take great care of myself and work out. I am happy and feel/look great. I saw a pic of OW the other day and I was SHOCKED. She looks horrible - aged, huge, acne all over her face, hair limp and gross.

ya just NEVER know!

Cordelia, please also just know that hardly ANYONE has unflattering pictures of themselves out on the internet. So, whatever pics you are seeing usually them at their best. I'm not denying that there are good looking OW/OM out there, but...

Also know that it doesn't matter. I can say with all honesty and based on the opinions of others, every OW I dealt with in my life was not as attractive as I. I have been called "beautiful" in my life, but have been very socially awkward and shy (and still am a lot of the time). It didn't matter, didn't keep me safe from being cheated on...

There is a possible OW in my current M (by the help of other posters here, I'm starting to consider that it may be more of a boundary crossing situation rather than A). But anyway, she is much younger than I, but I can honestly say for being in her prime she is in like the bottom 10% of attractiveness. Dumpy, no boobs, no butt, big feet like a platypus, scrawny legs, no lips, beady eyes...lol well anyway...you get the picture. But she NEVER allows a picture of herself that is unflattering to be put on FB or anywhere, I have seen her have people immediately take down ugly pics of her. Her posted photos are very carefully posed and chosen by her, it's become obvious. There has been twice where I saw a semi attractive pic, and felt insecure about it, but then, someone else would post a real pic and I'd remember how she must take great pains to get a decent profile pic!

The OW in my first marriage, was a little younger, had slightly bigger boobs than me, ok hair, but a very what I consider unattractive face-snaggle teeth, droopy eyes and what was most unattractive? Her mopey, woe-is-me, poor little rich girl schtick. Well I guess it worked with my exWH. But, admittedly there were guys who commented that she had a nice body.

There was another possible OW of my exWH also, now I will say she was very pretty and I felt like she was prettier than I. I do not know if he had an A with that one, but I do know there was a lot of flirting and making a point to see each other ever day. Her looks did bother me immensely at the time, but divorcing him cured that Funny, I saw her not long after I divorced him, and unfortunately she looked great and I happened to look like shit that day. And you know what, I did not care at all. There was a time a scenario like that probably would have sent me into a depression.

I'm sorry you feel this way. Maybe your WH AP is gorgeous, I don't know. But for every gorgeous OW in the world, there is a gorgeous BW somewhere else in the world going "what the fuck??" when they see who their WH has taken an interest in. You really just never know. It's about two things: A WS willing to cheat, and a AP willing and available to do so with them. Looks does not make a WS cheat nor does it make a beautiful person more likely to be an AP.

OWs are ugly evil mean spirited people and it doesn't matter what it looks like on the outside. You have so much more going for you than that and you are being authentic when you hold your head high.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:43 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

I saw a pic of OW the other day and I was SHOCKED. She looks horrible - aged, huge, acne all over her face, hair limp and gross.

ya just NEVER know!

Don't ya love seeing that kind of thing?

, I've become insecure about my height, knowing his preference for petite

ah yes, this...first exWH made me feel self conscience about several things by making it clear what he preferred albeit he was subtle about it. Things about myself I had never really even noticed before...not just looks but things about my personality as well...

OW was my age and meh. She is also a royal bitch. She was my friend so I can say this with complete honesty. She was downright mean to WH. I looked at her facebook and she has not aged well either. She is thinner than me but has a lot of wrinkles. I am much prettier but that makes me wonder why he would almost throw his family away for that.