I would like to give an update and get some advice on how to proceed. Maybe I am not handling this in the best way.
Here is a summary of the past 6 days:
We took the kids on a mini-vacation to one of those indoor waterpark hotels on Saturday-Sunday, and we all had a blast. WW and I talked at dinner, and again after the kids were sleeping, and we felt very close to each other and positive about the future. Of course, no sex because WW apparently couldn't stomach it with the kids sleeping a couple of feet away (wouldn't have phased me--they're 3 and 5).
Going back to work this week has been a struggle. I've been unproductive and overcome with negative thoughts. WW hasn't really done anything to show empathy this week. Her thought process seems to be: "we had a great weekend, we should both be happy now". She hasn't asked how I'm feeling, she hasn't showed much affection, she hasn't initiated sex (it has been 9 days now), and when I have told her how it makes me feel, she has continued to react with frustration. She *has* been reading "Not Just Friends" the last 3 nights, but what's frustrating to me is when she turns the light out, she has immediately just tried to fall asleep. No conversation with me, no reaching out to me with her hand, nothing unless I force it!
Last night it came to a head when she again tried to fall asleep without even acknowledging my presence. I left the bedroom without saying a word and went downstairs. When I came back up I went to sleep in the guest room. This morning I didn't speak to her and she didn't speak to me as we were getting ready for work.
We just had the following conversation via IM. Some background: tomorrow is my birthday and we had planned to go to dinner tonight as a couple to celebrate. (Her birthday is in another week).
Her: do you want to go out to dinner tonight?
me: Not with a wife who only wants to go out of obligation.
Her: I'm really not sure why you are not speaking to me. (Nor can I really get into a long conversation now). I know we're going through a really rough patch. I am a person and I have feelings/problems/rough days too.
me: I don't even know what to say to you that will change anything. You just don't care enough. If I try to express how I'm feeling, all I get is frustration from you. You have given me short, infrequent glimpses of what it feels like to have a wife that truly loves me, that would do anything to stay with me, that sees me as more than a friend, co-parent and part of a family unit. I need to feel more of that right now, but it just isn't happening. You didn't ask me what was wrong last night or this morning because you really don't want or care to know. Trying to repair the destruction you caused within me is just an inconvenience to you most of the time. That's how I feel.
Her: here's how I feel--we had a great time on our trip. We came back home and pretty quickly you were quiet and in a bad mood again. I just feel so deflated, so hopeless, so helpless. I've been trying to focus on reading the book as you have made it clear you'd like me to do that. I know you want to be held and snuggled with but I find it difficult to do that when you won't even speak with me. It's kind of like the PMS episode on Everybody Loves Raymond--when he says, 'this isn't huggable". I feel like you expect me to be upbeat and lovey nonstop. I have bad days too. I need you to be there for me too. I feel so sad, so deflated, so exhausted.
Her: WOW, that is hurtful.
me: How is that hurtful? All week I've just wanted you to acknowledge how I'm feeling and comfort me. But I don't get anything from you unless I specifically ask for it, and then you react with frustration. How else am I supposed to feel? So your explanation is that you don't want to comfort me because I'm sad and mopey and I'm not comforting you right now?
me: I just don't get it. How you acted on June 21-23, and July 5-6 (post D-days) is completely different than how you act on a daily basis. Except on date nights, I feel ignored by you. It's like you throw me a lifeline and bring me back close to shore, then you take it away and let me float back out to sea. The cycle repeats.
Her: (not sure what specifically you are referring to with those dates) I think my mood is a direct reflection of what I'm getting from you. We had a great time on the trip and then come Monday you were extremely down, quiet, and didn't talk to me. Feels like you're pushing me away. you said some hurtful things above-I can't do this at work.
me: You're basically saying that you're only happy and able to give me the support I need when I'm happy. So in other words, you can't help me when I'm down because that's too hard for you. Thanks, I get it.
Her: you are being hurtful. I'm done with this conversation at work. write down your thoughts and we can discuss them tonight at dinner.