SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those that have been married for the length of time, you and I have I is beyond horrendous.

Additional we experience a long time betrayal It is particularly hard to digest,understand and del with.

I gave him every break imaginable I now feel like I'm done and now feel I am his his last resort and plan B and better than nothing.

I feel like if he though he could get a 30 yr old likenis last Ow he would leave me in the dust

I am not willing to be. Plan B.

I'm a nice moral lady, size 6 and in our young days

a hottie. Much more attractive then his OW then and now nut still not hi first choice, or enough.

So I get your anger and disappointment 100 percent

((((Outtanowhere)))) My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved DD.

On the betrayal front, I can relate to so much of what you are feeling and saying as I felt and acted much as you are now. I'm sorry, I wish I had some answers for you. It took me five years to process things and feel somewhat like I was coming back to the person I was before finding out about his years of lying, denying, and deceit.

I'm worn out and just need be reminded that being re molded and transformed into a new person is painful but, hopefully, will make all the difference is going forward.

Keep moving forward, you will survive and you will be altered but strengthened in many ways. I wish you peace as you travel this path.

I so appreciate hearing the perspective of others. It helps to not feel so "abnormal". I'm just so ready for my hostility to end. My WH is sincerely trying harder than he ever has but, like I say, I'm just afraid it's too late.

We are currently going thru bankruptcy so proceeding to D will have to wait until we can get past this. Im so devastated that this is what my future held for me. My family was an investment that was supposed to last a lifetime. I know my children will be supportive when the time comes but, I never wanted to see that look of sadness on their faces that I'm sure will come. I wanted them to see that marriages really can last a lifetime. Now things are just so different than what I had planned for.

I feel like my husband that I knew has died, I am grieving, and nobody knows.

I wanted them to see that marriages really can last a lifetime. Now things are just so different than what I had planned for.

Both these statements strike a chord. I loved my WH will all my heart. My marriage was not perfect but it was solid and warm and sustaining. I loved my life. And it turns out none of it was real. It was all an illusion. That great guy I felt so fortunate to have was an illusion. My marriage was a sham. He said he loved me but didn't. The foundation of my life was full of cracks, and is now broken and gone. And I'm standing here in the ashes of a life burned to the ground.

How can we NOT be a little psychotic after all that?

Krsplat, you make a very valid point. I'm so sorry any of us have to deal with such life shattering circumstances! My head knows that the future will be good again someday. My heart tells a very different story. Maybe if I could just those two on the same page......

That's for your input. I truly need all the help I can get.

I just want to cut a paste so many of these comments and and say, "me, too." Not very original, but true.

When I lamented to my IC about the loss of who I used to be, she helped me see the things I didn't like, the site of denial in which I lived, the rug sweeping, etc. But there was so much I do miss of the old SK. Optimism, and joy are huge. But, the light at the end of the tunnel is that 4.5 years out, I am really starting to feel better. Sucks that it takes so long.

Outta, I'm so afraid this financial crap is going to delay your healing, too.

And support systems are essential. But how can they help if they don't know what they are supporting?

To all of you who suffered the loss of a child, I cannot even imagine your nightmare. To couple that with this betrayal, is just too horrible.

I'm holding all of us in the ****LIGHT*****

Outta, dear heart, I'm here...

Wow, I feel like I could have wrote this post myself. I dont like who Ive become. Even initially after dday I was still ME. Even after finding out about OC, I was still ME. I gave respect and understanding where it wasnt due. Then got spit in my face again by OW. I wonder why I ever let my gaurd down. I am struggling to forgive when forgiveness used to be one of my strengths.

I have not lost a child to death but I do know what its like to not have a child at night. We placed our 4th child for adoption. At the time, I knew it was right but didnt know OW was pregnant at the same time. How could he let me place my child, without telling me she was pregnant with hers. Here I am again, 36 weeks child number 5 and im placing her again. Even though its the right decision I cant help but feel extreme anger at fws for this.

A few years ago, i would have thought adoption would be the hardest thing I would ever deal with. Today though, its not. That doesnt mean it isnt hard. At least though I HAVE A CHOICE. I didnt get a say at all in what fws has done. I didnt deserve what he did to me.

((((outtanowhere))))

Your post resonates with me so much, as it does others clearly.

I think it's ok to feel the way you (and I) do. I also don't think any timeline should be forced on any of us to feel better, to forgive, to get over it, etc.

If someone broke into our homes and stole anything, we would feel invaded, insecure, upset, ANGRY, along with a host of other emotions I'm sure. A break-in is minor compared to the crap we are dealing with.

Our spouses, with whom we made vows, willfully robbed us of the life we thought we had. They have obliterated the sense of who we are, who we've been, and for many of us, they have robbed the future we thought we had to look forward too. There is no "right way" to feel about this.

I was married just less than half the time you have been outtanowhere, and I feel exactly as you do still and I'm just past 2 years from DDay now. I can't imagine how much harder it must be for you especially when you combine the financial trouble as well. There is no "right way" to feel and it sure as hell is understandable that you feel "cynical, bitter, and suspicious". TIME: it really has become a 4-letter word to me lately but I believe it's the only thing that really helps us through this. The evidence for me is that despite how I feel today I know I'm far better than I was even a year ago. 2 years ago I didn't even think I'd made it through this.

Considering our circumstances, I just don't think there is any "right way" we should be feeling nor should there be a timeline for us to get past it either. We all have to process our lives being turned upside down/inside out and deal with whether we will strive to repair it or forge ahead to build a new life for ourselves, in our own way and in our own timeframe. It just sucks so badly that we were forced into this turmoil unwillingly and unknowingly by the one we loved and were supposed to be able to trust above all others.

outtanowhere, I really wish you the best and hope the better days come sooner and more often for you.

Again I thank you all for your comforting words. This site no doubt has saved me from a different level of hell.

SK, I just don't know what to say. You have been my guide for SA 101. you have lit the path for me so that I wouldn't fall into the same pits and make the *common* mistakes that most newbies make as they walk forward dazed and confused. My brain knows the reasoning behind what I have to do, it's just everything in me rebels at the idea that I have to change gears now this late in life. Thanks for staying by me.

Determined-You have no idea how much I admire you for the strength it takes to place their child up for adoption. Those that can make that decision are surely some of the strongest women out there. I know that has to be so very difficult to come to that realization but, I also know that her new parents will be eternally grateful that you could place her needs above yours.

Pjk, you've hit on some major issues. Part of my recovery when D died was learning that there was no timetable. I like measurables tho so that was a challenge. I know about how long it takes for a wound or a broken leg to heal. I know the general recovery times for certain surgeries and/or illnesses but, there is no way to determine how long this process should take. What I didn't have to deal with before was the lies and the level of deceit and betrayal. Its just a whole different ballgame.

I had a talk a couple of nights ago and, I told H of my fantasies. I wanted to be able to care for my parents as they live out the rest of their years. They are mid 80's now and are slowly declining. I wanted to have Grandmother Camp in the summers keeping the grands and teaching them the things my grandmother taught me. I wanted to go to the Grand Canyon, Mt. Rushmore and Maine for the annual lobster festival. It's hard to even think that any of it will happen now. I've worked for 35 years now and, there is really no end in sight. My fantasies will remain just that, fantasies.

I'm so resentful that I am in this place. H lived out his crazy freaking fantasies when I was at work. His work had fallen off and he found himself with more time than he was capable of handling. I was responsible and played by the rules, worked hard, paid my bills on time. I know it will just take time but, I'm just tired of dealing with it.

I learned a long time ago that life is not fair. I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways that I actually feel guilty for dwelling on these things. I feel like I'm trying to stuff everything I own into a linen closet. I can't get the door closed before it all comes tumbling back out.

Outta- I'm a little late to this post, but if you're still checking responses, I am here with you too. I feel similarly to you...it's a sad place to find yourself at this stage in life, having played by the rules and given the best you could to all that was important to you.

I lost my first husband in an accidental death in my late 30's. Left with 2 small children and shaky finances, I firmly believed that I had endured my worst 'life trial'. Not to be. Blindsided again by discovering I'd been living with a 'stranger' who had hidden a habitual pornography habit from me for 23 years, and was recently (1 yr) been caught with a prostitute. I've felt at times very guilty for naming this trauma the harder to emotionally recover from. I mean, after all, my beloved first husband was dead for crying out loud....how could a self-centered, debased, reckless act compare, and be worse than, a death. But it has been for me. Dealing with an accidental death, while the pain is as deep as it gets, was not purposefully perpetrated. The infidelity was....all the way.

What we are grieving now Outta, is the loss of what should have been. What we had expected our lives to look like. And see, there's just not a lot of time to rewrite the story. I, like you, simply wanted the financial security to peaceably enjoy my grandchildren, treat them to some memorable but simple vacations, live in trust with my WH, and be proud of him. My WH's hid a lot of things from me, his predilection for pornography and whores , plus his financial irresponsibility. It's hard, but if it's any consolation, you're not alone.

We admitted we were powerless over sexaholism - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him

12 step groups are traditionally faith based. The most successful addicts are those that embrace the first three steps quickly and unconditionally. SAFWH struggled with this. At first I did not, and tried to help him see my POV.

As a kid and young adult I was clear in my strong belief in a higher power although unclear on the nature of that power and frankly, indifferent to the nature. I just KNEW that there was something bigger than I. Recently, I'm having trouble with the concept. But that isn't my point here.

I have been given some advice several times as I've been stuck in this miasma of resentment and pain. People from ICs to laypeople have talked to me about the importance of prayer and "letting go, letting God." That is very hard for me. I like to be in control. And I doubt my own importance to a God who needs to fix this nasty world. But, you know what? I've seen the results in recovering addicts who work the program. And there is a reason religion is useful to so many people. I have decided that I have to give up control and try this.

Outta, your faith is so much stronger than mine. I know it won't solve all your troubles. But why not try it? Maybe the comfort will bring you a measure of peace.

Love to you, girl.

Gotmegood, thanks for telling me your story. You are right. It is the deliberate nature of what caused this pain to begin with that is so hard to reconcile. The sneakiness, deception and gas lighting (that just totally pisses me off). It is the death of a relationship as we knew if but, also clouded in suspicion and doubt. I've wondered how I could have coped with this if I had to learn of these things after he passed away. That would have surely been the most cruel outcome however, he did plan to take it to the grave. I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone so, while its good to know I am in the company of like minded folks, it make s me incredibly sad that any of us are actually here. Thank you for reminding me that I have the rest of my *club* to lean on.

SK, H is VERY involved in the SA program. In fact, I've worried that he may have traded his other addictions for it but, even so, I'd rather deal with this one. He is trying very, very hard but, someone said in another post that maybe it's that I can't forgive myself for still being here. Other than the hell he is enduring because of my bipolar personality, he really suffered no consequences but, that too was my choice. I just feel like outing him will only hurt our family more in the long run in ways that can't even be predicted right now. He is self employed (as of today) and is heavily dependent on his very influential circle of friends for work. I know they would be disgusted and most likely would never speak to him again so, what little wok we have now would most likely go away. Like trying to find a corner in a round room.

I'm praying that God's will be done and I'm trying to prepare myself for the fact that may look very different from what I'm hoping for.

I think it's kind if like being carried out from the shore by a rip tide. You are being swept out further and further by the second. You have to stop freaking out and remember to start swimming horizontal to the shore until you get out of the current and then you will be able to swim back to shore. Feels like I'm swimming but, now the sharks are circling.

It's so hard to imagine the day I will look back on this and note a the huge transformation in myself. I know it will come but, it just seems a long way off.

Thanks everybody for letting me get that out!

I beg to differ.. what you are experiencing is a normal, healthy response to a horrific psychological trauma. If you did not act this way, there would be something wrong.. in fact that actually *would* be more psychotic! You should actually be commended for the great amount of self-control you're showing for not going ballistic on someone(s) with a meat cleaver.. so give yourself some credit.

But the truth is.. there is nothing more 'psychotic' or sociopathic than the behavior of a cheating partner.

One of the best quotes in the world, that applies to us especially: 'Insanity is nothing but a sane response to an insane situation.'

Insanity is nothing but a sane response to an insane situation

Whoever said that surely learned it the hard way. Thanks cosmic. Maybe this is just the effects of trying to convince myself that this wasn't a deal breaker in the first place.