SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((((Skan))))) my heart is hurting for you.

I hope somehow we can all find peace, but I'm fairly sure, for me, it's a long road, and will be a long, long time a'comin.

I think Dixie is on to something in that part of the rage we feel is directed towards ourselves because we want to desperately to have the pain subside and we wonder if we left would it? Or we wonder if we are making the right decision by staying. Or, we wonder if settling for less than we deserve is abandoning ourselves?

Ooh. Funny you bring this point out. I just wrote to my H the other night and one of the things I expressed was how it is said how brave it is for a BS to stay after infidelity. They know how torturous the path they are taking is yet they commit to it. They face the toxic poison that has been spewed at their marriage and soldier on. That, to me is the description of a hero. I see that in so many here in SI. So many brave men and women fighting for their marriages despite the devastation they MUST face to do so. Yet, when I think of myself I don't feel brave. I dont feel strong or courageous. I feel terrified.

So as to your point Dixie and Rachel, that is often where my anger sources from. There are times when I feel so angry to be IN this position. How dare he do this to me. (I know, he wasn't even thinking of me...its about him, yeah, yeah.). My anger is over being here in this place right now and for all I will have to face in the months and years to come. God Damn It! it's not fair and it pisses me off. There are times where I have sort internal temper tantrums initiated by some random irrelevant thing and I realize almost immediately why I react so strongly. It's that I feel so out of control, and I hate being out of control. I hate the feeling of not knowing how to feel better. I relate to Rachel's comment about that abyss. While comfort and kind words are wanted they can't erase the pain. Generally my anger eventually melts into sadness and that is the part I share with my H. I feel embarrassed for my craziness and ashamed for not having a better handle on my emotions.

I relate what I am feeling at those times to what a 2 year old feels like when they throw a tantrum. They do it because they aren't getting what they want and dont have the skills to work through those intense feelings and handle it differently. That's me. When it happens it's a twisted ball of tantrum anger. But you know what they say, anger and sadness come from the same place. Some days we just feel it differently and express it differently.