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[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:01 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

he has had testosterone test and blood work done...I honestly think its more mental with him:'( its been a hard go...but I love him...im just not well right now either but thank you for the advice!!

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[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:01 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

I hated myself and became suicidal.

But I am past the suicidal. My husband did forgive me from the confession. Completely and has never raised his voice or anything at me. He has made me feel even more like scum at times by his amazing love and kindness. It was like a healing balm that stung for a long time. I wanted him to call me names and punish me.

But then I stopped looking at myself like I had been in that way. I want to be a good wife to him and though I can't change what I did I can control what I do now. And what I focus on.

H is glad to have his bubbly wife back (with much better boundaries!) and I am happy most of the time. I told H about the 2-5 years thing and he shrugged and said "no one told me".

We were recently at an even attended by xMM and H chatted with him and completely unnerved the guy. My huband laughed about it because he said it didn't bother him at all.

Hang in there it will get better.

The no sex has driven us apart for years..I seem to need it and he doesn't...says he needs to feel a "connection" and I do try and give that to him..but I need sex to feel connected...so it's like a ring of fire I cannot escape from. EVERYONE loves my husband... I wish I could just accept this one major flaw and move on but I'm so sexually charged:

This describes the dynamic between my husband and me almost to a T, so you are definitely not the only one! And it is something that we are going to need to address in therapy. I have the same thing where I love my husband to death and so does everyone else, and everyone was so happy when we said we were getting married. But the no sex has hurt me terribly. My H also doesn't have a problem with testosterone or low libido. He just says that he needs the relationship to be in better shape before he can have sex. He said this before the affairs, but now obviously I worsened the situation by doing what I did.

Thank you both for your posts...I am feeling better to know I am not the only woman out there that has been "wayward"...I feel so much shame and remorse..and fear. I fear that my ex.married man will someday contact me again...even though he ended it weeks ago and we have not been in contact..he knows where I live as well as personal details of my life...I live in fear that things are going to smooth about him leaving me alone even though HE made it clear he wanted to break things off and work with his wife on their marriage and family. I am hoping he will never contact me again.. I still have his number in my phone and for some reason I cannot delete it?! I know I need professional help asap..problem is I work a lot, but I do need to find a therapist asap! I am afraid MM will contact my H...I don't know if my fears are rational. I just want things to be OVER. I still haven't decided if I need to leave and start life over...I hate the fact that hubby will probably never look at me in the same way ever again..I don't want him to think "cheater" every time he looks my way..I don't know if we can move forward from this:(:(:(

Can you block his number from your phone? I know on my phone there is an ability to block callers. Maybe you can call the cell company and ask them? And ask them how to delete it.

I am struggling with the same feelings, like should I just leave and start over immediately. Straying is completely my own fault, but it seems like the sexual issues I have with BH are writ awfully large. However since my D Day was only this month, I think that any decisions regarding staying or leaving are very premature. The dust has to settle. We have just started MC and I am still trying to find my own IC. It is an extremely time consuming process but I think it is a crucial thing to get done at this point. I advise that you get you and your H into MC as soon as you can and a counselor for you as well.

[This message edited by healingjourney at 9:35 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

I agree with you healing journey:) I am waiting for the dust to settle as well. My H and I have had a roller coaster relationship our whole time together...I do love him... but I am very sad that we don't have a "passionate" love... I so desire that!! But we never have.. we have more of a "best friends" thing going on..and it has always hurt me. I have had some passionate relationships in my past and I feel like I need that! I've threatened divorce way too many times to count and I'm just wondering how we can ever get over crap like that...I'm a passionate person so when I'm depressed and low I really am and when I'm angry/confused or hurt..I make it known and "divorce" pops out of my mouth often. I'm so confused as to what to do...so confused. On one hand I love him very much and could not live without him and on the other I want to find "PASSION" and a love like no other...but the thought of starting over alone scares the hell out of me. I've told him we should separate and he doesn't want to...always tells me he will get help and that things will be better...oh this life!!! SO CONFUSED!!!

I get that exact kind of confusion. When I look at my BH I get such a knife in my heart because I love the guy and am very attracted to him and am so sad that it wasn't/isn't felt in the same way on his end. I think he may have had those feelings at one point, but my anger and feelings of rejection over being ignored sexually and the fights that we have had over it have taken their toll on him. So it is a cruel pattern that has gotten entrenched and keeps repeating. My affairs besides getting those needs met were also surely some form of subconscious revenge I am ashamed to say.

I still don't think you should separate now in the immediate aftermath of this. I have seen it all over these boards that 6 months after D Day is a good amount of time to let pass before making a major decision of that sort. Put your energy into getting a counselor and helping your BH heal.

I understand completely...the rejection and the nights of crying myself to sleep because he had no interest in me that way. The pain is awful. We never ever kiss. When we are intimate, it';s quick and then over...for another month or two or longer..we don't talk about it. He doesn't seem "into me" at all, we are more like roomates and it HURTS like crazy. I need physical love and like you said ...I think I was so sick of being sexually rejected I had the first affair, and when that man just used me and dumped me after one time...I tried to find a more meaningful connection and then my next affair was very short lived- about a month.. and it wasn't great at all. I couldn't get "out of my head" and I knew I was doing wrong so I never enjoyed it and was not even attracted to the guy but he was majorly to me so I went with it. Then he quickly dumped me to work on things with his wife and family. I am just feeling lower than low and I deserve to. My guilt is magnified knowing that my husband has never been with another woman in his life besides me and he reports he never wants to...I feel like a loser in life...it's pretty bad, so I am going to seek counseling! Honestly though being married and rejected sexually all the time is awful..it is so painful.

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[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:29 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

We are also roommates, and it feels terrible considering we haven't even been married very long. Before the affairs, whenever I would try to give my BH a kiss, he would push me away with some excuse. I have cried myself to sleep many times since I have been married.

I don't know why my BH wants to stay married if he doesn't want sex with me. When I tried to talk to him about this before the affairs, he would either clam up, blame me for the issues, or promise he would change and then do nothing.

I am still optimistic though that counseling can help us. I feel that I owe it to both of us to give it the best shot I can. If I left now, that would have its own scary fall out. D is obviously not off the table yet, but I think we are at least doing something about it by doing the MC.

[This message edited by healingjourney at 10:49 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

ExWH you may have a point...wow hurts to read that but you may be right about the passion thing...my H seems to have no passions/desires for me. I know the pain of being pushed away healingjourney...that happens to me when I try to kiss my H too..he turns me away..he actually constantly uses "I don't feel well" ...hurts A LOT. I need to find a counselor though asap as I still feel like I'm dying inside. I'm so depressed and going through alot of other issues right now as well:( My life is complicated...but I have made it so.

Breezy, my H also always said, "Can't you see I don't feel well?" when I would try to kiss him. Or I got accused of having bad breath or wearing lipstick. The point is, there was always some seemingly minor reason why we can't be intimate. Those minor things all added up.

For awhile I thought it was me and kept trying to change it. Then I began to see maybe it wasn't. And then I was just too angry and had the affairs.

And now, due to my infidelity, now sex and any kind of intimacy with my BH is out of the question. But as always, I am looking on this as a growth opportunity. I am being honest with myself and my partner and making an effort to pray, attend church and just all around try my best to be a better person. That is all I can do. I am extremely grateful for this forum.

Please, make getting help your #1 priority.

[This message edited by healingjourney at 1:15 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

Coming in the conversation a little late to say that you are definitely not the only woman who has ever had an affair, and there are several women here who have stepped out as a way to try to cope with a sexless marriage. That was a big part of why I strayed. Not a good solution but also a very human response to a really difficult situation. (In fairness there are also women on SI who struggled with sexless marriages and were devastated to find that their husbands were having affairs.)

I think being a woman and the higher desire partner is it's own special hellish form of mindf*ck. BreezyBear I think you hit on it, we all have this idea that guys are always going to want it. When your own husband doesn't it's just devastating. Michele Weiner-Davis of Divorce Busting fame (I think that's even the source of the 180!) is one of the few people I've found who write about it:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michele-weinerdavis/sexstarved-wives_b_5339269.html

She makes a great point, many many guys DO NOT want to talk about it if they are the low desire partner. The frequent suggestion on SI, to talk about it or go to counseling, almost always have been tried and found totally ineffective in these cases, you two women are the latest examples of that too. In my case, with the benefit of MUCH hindsight, MC, IC on both sides, we came to understand that my husband was so conflict-averse and so unable to deal with anger and resentment that he developed textbook passive-aggressiveness--which meant for a long time that when I asked for something, it was a certainty that he would see I wouldn't get it.

The next suggestion--divorce--is a whole lot easier to say than do, especially when there are kids in the picture.

I would not recommend having an affair as a way to break that communication log jam, but I do have to say that in my marriage trying to talk about problems (including but not limited to sexuality) was fruitless and marriage improvement books were blown off. The A and it's aftermath blew things open enough to start to make change. Been a long awful road, and believe me I wish the changes we have made could have come about any other way--but my many efforts to do so were unsuccessful.

All by way of saying--stay, own your actions, and get both of you into IC, then MC. Good luck....

C'mon, BreezyBear, you're on the Wayward forum of Surviving Infidelity! Yes, the shame, the guilt, the sadness, the fear - they are overwhelming. And you are the only one that can make it stop and make your life work for you. But complaining about a sexless marriage is not going to do that, now is it?

Apparently, you've tried to work with your husband to fulfill your need for a sexual connection. Now, it may go a bit far, but I'd like to suggest that you've let him cross your boundaries in that respect. So it's not that surprising that you've crossed boundaries yourself. You don't even seem to recognize them. Now, your husband was not willing or able to work towards fulfilling your (pretty basic) need, yet you did not draw that to the conclusion where you decided that your need was reasonable and you should take reasonable measures to fulfill it (like severing the contract that keeps you in a relationship that doesn't fulfill your need). Instead you stayed married, and went behind your husband's back to get some need met. Having your cake and eating it too, I'd say. You've made a pretty big mess of it.

So, which is more important to you - having sex or having your husband? Because it seems to be his decision, not yours, whether you can have both, and so far he's not meeting you anywhere near the middle. That's his right.

Please, get your priorities straight. That may not be easy, especially since you have an addiction to cope with as well. Some help, like a good therapist and a psychiatrist, will make a lot of difference.

~L.

[This message edited by leftoolate at 6:59 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]

Shatteredreality, thank you so much for this response. I think my husband as well is very conflict averse and uncomfortable discussing hard subjects like this, and he has also seemed to deny my needs as a way of getting back at me--I am talking pre-affair. I talked about our isssues until I was blue in the face, and have been met with cold stares and criticisms about my delivery, timing or my tone of voice.

The MC is a start and I will do the best I can. I honestly don't know if I can bridge this gap. I still go to bed alone every night.

Dear Lefttoolate...I can honestly say I do not understand your post...this is a SUPPORT forum... and I want to talk about my sexless marriage. I love my husband...and I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it to? I guess I do not recognize things in my marriage, that is why I am on this support forum! For guidance/support/ppl that have been there!

Hm, I meant to be both clear and supportive, but that obviously didn't go too well. Sorry about that. Let me try and clarify.

You , BreezyBear, are in a sexless marriage. You would prefer to have a satisfying physical relationship with your current husband. So far, he has not provided you with the sex that would fulfill your need, even though this need is quite reasonable and you two have spoken of it repeatedly. This is what I take from your posts, aside from your obvious distress. Correct me if I'm wrong, of course.

You stated that you went outside your marriage for sex, since you couldn't get it within. That's what I mean by having your cake and eating it too: having the marriage and the sex as well. The mess comes from having those two things with different men, without adapting or severing your marriage contract first. Again, please correct (or ignore) me if I'm wrong.

I honestly don't expect your husband to start fulfilling your sexual needs right now. That means you have to take some serious inventory of your values and priorities if you want to live the rest of your life with integrity. 'Getting real' is not easy. At least it wasn't for me. And I didn't have to deal with a sexless marriage or much of an addiction while I was dealing with my own issues and helping my husband regain his footing after my betrayal. That's why I suggest some serious help, since you could be dealing with some serious personal and marital demons.

From my perspective, your sexless marriage is not your most urgent problem right now. Your own emotional and mental healing, support of your husband's healing, building trust between you if he'll let you, making yourself a safe person and partner- those seem to me to be far more urgent. Probably, once you get into healing, a sexless marriage will not be something you accept anymore. And by that time I hope you'll both be better equipped to come to a solution to that particular problem.

~L.

eta final touches, accidentally hit submit instead of preview, and edited again to remove a very confusing 'not', sorry

[This message edited by leftoolate at 4:17 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

I am pretty sure being a cake eater refers to people who are getting sex at home and from an AP. People who have affairs with no real marital issues. Of course others disagree but maybe that is what breezy objected too.