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Thank you lefttoolate... you are right about everything you said and you sound very insightful. You are right I need to seek HELP ASAP...I am suffering way more than I thought I could ever?! I know I caused a great deal of pain and I don't believe I deserve a forgiving spouse. You are right when you say my sexless marriage should not be a priority right now...HELP should by my priority because I'm dying inside. Thank you:)

Breezy, I will agree that it's good to focus on yourself, figure out what's going on in your head, and what part you played/are playing in the dynamics of your marriage.

I noticed a few other threads you started and some dynamics that seem to cluster in common, in situations where women have affairs during sexless marriages.

In one thread, you write that your husband doesn't want to know. Isn't asking questions about what you did, doesn't want to talk about how you are reckoning with yourself. Is that right? I think a lot of times for women whose husbands are checked out emotionally/sexually, they are frequently met with that same response, which in its own way can be incredibly painful and rejecting--feels like he doesn't even care enough to get upset, and doesn't care about your own upset at yourself. Does that sound like what's going on?

I ask because in a different thread you write about how hard it is to delete your APs number, even though he didn't mean much to you and is well out of your life. I think that hit of validation is so strong, so meaningful when your husband feels so completely checked out that it's hard to get rid of the reminders that it happened at all....

Any of that ring a bell?

If so, if your story's like mine, there's a lot to unpack about the dynamics of your marriage, how you got to the point where the sex was gone--not all your fault, but a two person dance and you played a part in it... Lots for you and he to work on individually and together to get healthier...

shattered reality. ..you hit it right on the head! BH is really checked out..says he could handle affair #1 because of previous pornography use (I freaked out because I was newlywed at that time and it crushed me that my husband chose images over me ect.) he reports affair #2 broke his heart but doesn't show much emotion ect. and he doesn't want to focus on it!? I would say 3/4 of my heart wants to move on...but BH says he wants to stay married ect...but if im 100% honest my ♥ isn't in it anymore...14 years together...gambling addiction...pornography...affairs...its been a rocky road and sometimes I dream of starting fresh without all the shit...seems so long ago when we were deeply in love...it hurts...Lots:-(

I keep coming back to this thread because it really feels like I could have written it myself...hi again Breezy Bear.

What Shatteredreality said about the BH not asking questions about the affairs really touched a nerve with me. On D Day my BH told me that he wanted to put a tracking app on my phone so he could know where I was at all times. I readily agreed, but that was almost a month ago and he still hasn't done it. And I am honestly annoyed at that, it's like he doesn't care! I was eager to be tracked because at least it would show he cared.

I also know that he used porn and masturbation was his preferred way of expressing his sexuality--all of this was pre-affair.

There is no pain like a sexless marriage, especially when you are the high-desire female partner.

My BH is definitely checked out. We only talked about the affairs on D Day. After that he didn't want any more discussions.

He also expresses his pain somatically. Either he's got a headache, a stomach ache, neck pain--about a million physical reasons why he could never have sex with me or talk to me about anything that is not superficial.

Now that we are post-affair, all of these dynamics are still in place, except worse. I hope that MC can help to fix this. We just started, but I am not feeling very optimistic today.

[This message edited by healingjourney at 10:09 AM, August 1st (Friday)]

Hi healingjourney! I know it sounds like our partners are very simular!! BH and I slept apart last night...I am so depressed I couldn't bring myself to work today so i'm at home sad /confused and feeling hopeless...its awful. Im going to find a MC today! chin up healing journey...you are not alone!

Hi Breezy, sorry to hear that you were so sad that you couldn't go to work but am glad to hear that you are looking for an MC today. So far my BH and I have been to 2 MC sessions. I had to drag him to the first one, but I am glad I did because by some miracle he actually liked the therapist and didnt complain. We have only scratched the surface, and I went to another IC last night and I felt the connection was good so I will continue with them as well.

I am just struggling massively today and I really really hope this gets better. I too am extremely confused. I feel piss poor and guilty about what I did, but I also am just so damn mad at my BH for so many things and I want to scream at him for refusing to engage with me on the problems.

Lots of sympathy to both of you. It's a really hard position to be in, knowing you screwed up and having to own it, but also realizing that some other dynamics have to change. As always the only person you can really change is yourself, you know?

Two books that were really helpful on our journey were The Emotionally Unavailable Man by Patti Henry, and Love Without Hurt by Steven Stosny. Actually both books have sections for women and sections for men... Ultimately it's been helpful for both my husband and I to read all of both books, and for both if us to work through all parts of the Stosny book.

The big thing I learned, and that my husband attests to through his involvement in a men's group, is that a lot of men really just do not have a handle on emotions. What they are, how to recognize them, how to navigate them. This was shocking to me because I assumed every person had this kind of capability as part of basic functionality but it's apparently not true. This is probably true of some women too but we are generally socialized more to handle emotional stuff, to at least know it's there. But just because someone doesn't know how to deal with this stuff doesn't mean it's not important, it's just having an effect under the surface. Stuffing emotions and denying that they are there can seem "mature" and "reasonable" in contrast to someone feeling emotions strongly and getting upset--the trouble comes when all that stuffed emotion bleeds out in destructive ways, passive aggression, disconnection, checking out. In another recent post in Wayward, someone wrote that her husbands IC suggested just "putting his feelings in a box and shelving it," something like that, but after a few glasses of wine the anger spills out... Ouch.

Really hard for guys to even recognize that this is an issue, they're so used to just not playing in that playground, so to speak. And then to have to acknowledge really painful stuff, and admit ignorance and inability to deal with it, is also a huge challenge to get around. Both those books deal with this in very compassionate and clear ways.

My husband now marvels that he feels calm in the face of my strong emotion, but it feels totally different than the calm he felt when he just tuned it out, checked out. Now he's more grounded in his own core value and knows how to navigate his feelings as well as be in presence of mine. It's like night and day...but it's also been several long and very painful years to get here. Wish I could report otherwise.

As for my own part, lots of examining of how I came to marry a man who would check out emotionally... My tendency to take on responsibilities beyond what should be reasonably mine, the limits of self-reliance, control and giving up control, how becoming parents played into all of this, lots more. Much for me to work on too--including that his checking out really was not about me, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. Ouch,

Anyhow--The guy part was a really tough nut to crack, so closed down like that. I've seen this pattern repeat multiple times in WS, a female WS who confesses and owns it all and her checked out H just shuts down more. Really hard to know where to go with that, so I'm sharing how it went with us.

Thank you Shatteredreality. My BH has admitted he checks out when I am strongly emotional and he accuses me of being emotional or having a tone, even when I know I don't.

I feel like I, and the marriage, are an EPIC failure. I have so much despair today that I can't keep it together and I don't even know where to turn. I can't go to a counseling session every day and I'm afraid to bring my emotions to him. He doesn't want to read anything on the subject, he just told me that going to MC is enough for now. He told me that he "doesn't do well around a depressed person," so I can't talk to him on any real level, and he told me that to help him heal, he essentially wants me to act like a geisha. Be nice, be cheerful, give him backrubs, initiate pleasant conversations, and come up with things to do. I have been trying to do this as best I can since D Day but I am just so mad I am having trouble keeping it up because I am so low on resources and some days I just want to leave, like today. And to be honest, I just miss having sex. I won't cheat again but I hate my husband for the way he withheld sex and made me feel like garbage. I have never felt so confused and alone in my whole life.

[This message edited by healingjourney at 3:19 PM, August 1st (Friday)]

aawww healing journey...I feel your pain!! Wish we could go for a coffee together!

Healing journey, I hear you loud and clear. I wish I could give you a big hug.

I recommended it in that last post, but I'll suggest it again... That Stosny book in particular has a really, really good technique for getting a handle on yourself when you're really angry, upset, desperate. He calls his method HEALS and I'd link to something but I don't think there's a really concise explanation of the thought process online, I may look tonight though. Anyhow, strongly recommend, as much for getting yourself grounded and in a better place as for anything that could help your husband. I got a lot out of that book for similar reasons, feeling angry and like a big failure in my marriage. It's such a hard, hard place to be. You are not alone.

I've thought quite a bit about insecurities after reading this thread. Once I realized how insecure my BS and I both felt about ourselves, it became a bit easier to listen, tell him my own insecurities, and recognize how that "giving" of information and time makes me feel less insecure about myself. Breaking the cycle of negativity with loving words can make a world of difference after d-day. Insecurities run deep - they come to the surface in the form of escapism and an angry tone of voice during any and every situation. Everything from how to spend money, to how to feel loved during sex, to what to wear to bed, and a million other daily tasks...it all can make us feel insecure. By trying to understand the escapism and anger as stemming from feelings of insecurity - do you think you would be able to break the cycle? Am I making sense? It's bedtime...

BreezyBear, Shatteredreality and TheWorstCase--thank you all so much for the support. Reading these posts this morning brought tears to my eyes. I can't tell you how much I deeply appreciate it.

BreezyBear, I hope you are feeling better today. I am having coffee right now by myself--would be so much better with someone who understands what I am going through!

Shatteredreality--I ordered the Stosny book. Thank you again for all of your advice and your insights. When I have tried to describe my marriage to friends, they look at me so puzzled. That makes me feel hopeless and I want to feel hopeful, otherwise I will just give up.

TheWorstCase--I know that we are both insecure and very vulnerable at this point. I had always been a reasonably confident person but unfortunately the dynamics in my marriage have really rattled me, and my current situation of being almost past childbearing age and desperately wanting a child but not willing to have one now in the current state that my marriage is breathing down my back. My BH is insecure as well though of course he keeps this well hidden. But yes I am doing my very best to break the cycle of negativity. We have to build on something,

I still feel like dying...it has been a month already since I confessed ...im still dying inside and my partner seems to be ok...looking forward to MC on the 13th...I feel really dead inside:'(

Breezy! Was wondering how you were doing! Glad to hear you have an appointment!

I am feeling the same way unfortunately. We have now had 3 sessions of MC and while they have been helpful, the MC also told me that she thinks we have a long road given how uncomfortable my H is expressing his emotions. He told me last night he doesnt want me to talk about the affairs or any deep subjects, that he's sorry I am feeling this badly, but he doesn't want to hear about it because it gives him "a pit in his stomach." Told me he wants me to act normal and try to do fun stuff. This is so hard to do. Of course sex and any kind of affection is out of the question for now. I know I put myself in this position but I just wish I knew how to deal with it better! I was deprived of sex and affection before and I don't know how I am going to deal with this now.

Hi healingjourney! Hang in there..hopefully things will improve. I have lots to deal with..addiction..I'm having surgery in a few months.. so there is a ton to focus on and alot is up in the air..I'm not making any major decisions about our marriage until the dust starts to settle...even though I have so much pent up passion and energy and I feel like I want things sorted NOW I know things are going to take some time...it is hard. I feel so much and I am trying hard not to turn to my vice!! I don't have many "healthy" habits/activities in my life to focus on...I need to change that!! Best wishes:) Hang in there... I'm feeling pain ++ too.

Breezybear, I have the same problem with the pent up passion and energy and wanting to fix everything now. I know I can't. And you are wise to let the dust settle, that is also what I intend to do even though it is very hard. My emotions and needs are palpable. It drives my H nuts.

I can barely sit still. The thing that helps me the most these days is lifting weights.

Good idea Healingjourney...I need to find something too..the pain lately has been unbearable and I am turning back to my addiction to cope..it has been awful... but i deserve it..if only life had a rewind button, wish I had a slight inkling of the ramifications of my actions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breezy, There has been a lot of great advice and books recommended. I'm still reading and rereading them. I know you said you have surgery in a few weeks and you have a history of addiction. Talk to your doctor about it. Knowing that will help them and you. I have taken care of patients with addictions and I know how concerning it is for them. There are some great pain control options and that may help decrease your anxiety. I wish you the best. I know you're working hard and I really admire you.

Thank you Scarlett..I appreciate the support..I am going to step up recovery..I need to, I just don't feel mentally well, my head is so clouded..I am on several meds already..but we are starting MC soon and I hope this will be a start!