SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

All- I'm new to this site but it seems to be a pretty good suppport system for those who are struggling with the infidelity of their spouse. Its been about 3 weeks since I found out of my wife's infidelity. I struggle with every breathe to cope with the anger and disgust of her actions. I've accepted responsibility that my actions drove her to do what she has done.

A bit of background, I've just come through some pretty uncertain and precarious career challenges. I was looking at the possibility of forced retirement and was under incredible stess to find another career, find housing, traveling to job interviews, etc. During this high stress period I admit I was less than perfect towards my family. My temper was short and I took my stress out on my wife. My actions made her "numb" and she essentially hated me for how I was treating her. While I was away, trying to secure a future for our family, she took the opportunity to sleep with a co-worker. She sought comfort and an escape with him.

We both say we want to try to resolve our issues and are committed to making our marriage work. I'm doing individual anger and stress management counseling and we are in marriage counseling together. Both have been productive and things seem to get better with each session.

However, Im filled with guilt and struggle with every breathe, that I caused this situation. I struggle with the horrible images of her actions. I get triggers of her actions almost constantly. Every time I see my beautiful wife I'm reminded of what she gave to another man. I've tried all if the breathing techniques they teach in counseling and they help in the short term. Sadly, one of the few things that help suppress the images and feelings from the triggers has been to imagine me doing the same acts that she did with another woman; ie cheat on her. It almost feels that if I do the same thing that she did that we are both equally shitty people. I wouldn't have a moral leg to stand on. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but the thought of me cheating on her is one of the few things that helps the negative images and feelings subside. This whole episode has made me have feelings for my wife that I never felt before. I've never wanted to hurt her, but I did by my actions and I want to her to feel my pain by cheating on her.

Any one have experience with similar feelings? I just want the pain to go away, for things to go back to "normal." It almost feels as if I'm going insane. I can't sleep, the episode is constantly in my mind. I never thought I'd feel or know depression but I'm pretty certain I'm feeling it now. Thanks in advance for any insight or helpful words.

[This message edited by djla2929 at 1:43 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

I've accepted responsibility that my actions drove her to do what she has done.

No, her actions were HER CHOICE, and HER CHOICE ALONE. There are countless of us who are mistreated beyond any bounds of reasonability in marriage, even cheated upon, yet do not ever cheat on our spouses.

There are many better choices your wife could, and SHOULD, have made. She could have discussed the deficiencies with you. She could have sought the help of a pastor or marriage counselor. And, she could have even ended her marriage and took responsibility for her own life instead of foisting herself upon you while she screwed around with another man.

Your actions were mistakes which arose from not knowing, not realizing, not seeing, etc. Her actions were DELIBERATE SINS which she chose with FULL KNOWLEDGE that they were WRONG.

There is no commandment which says "thou shalt not make marital mistakes". However, there is one which says "thou shalt not commit adultery".

There are, therefore, very few actions on the part of the betrayed spouse which rise to the severity and egregiousness of cheating.

Any one have experience with similar feelings?

Yes, all of us who are betrayed by our spouses endure the things you describe. In some cases, for years following the affair discovery.

the thought of me cheating on her is one of the few things that helps the negative images and feelings subside.

Yes, I am familiar also with this. The thing about being cheated on which hurt me the most was the rejection and humiliation of it. Feeling like

a "default", a "plan B". Finding another woman seemed as if it would affirm my desirability and validate my manhood again.

However, I am so very thankful that I did not seek

other women. As you say, I would have thereby reduced myself to her selfish level.

While I was away, trying to secure a future for our family, she took the opportunity to sleep with a co-worker.

This statement pretty much sums it up. Your character, while perhaps not impeccable, was nevertheless dictated by UNSELFISHNESS. Her's was dictated only by SELF. Her desires, her concupiscence.

We both say we want to try to resolve our issues and are committed to making our marriage work.

Well, one very big (huge) issue that your wife must resolve is that she will have to stop blaming you for her choices and her affair. She will have to "own" and "acknowledge" that she, and she alone, was the "driver" in that.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 2:05 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

Tfkeel- thanks for the reply. You are hitting all good points and they all make sense. I've read a few articles that mention if a couple seeks to reconsile, the cheated on spouse has accepted the situation and must forgive (and forget?) the cheating spouse. I've forgiven my wife (again, rightfully or wrongfully I feel responsible). I don't believe I can ever forget and we're working on regaining trust. My biggest problem is that if we are to work things out, I'm essentially stuck eating a "shit sandwhich" and she got to have sex outside of our marriage "free of charge." Ultimately, I hope to take the high road and not stoop to that level. I still love her...thought she loved me (but she had sex with someone else..where's the love there?). They say our love and marriage can be stronger after this episode, but that love wasnt there when she laid with someone else. That eats at me too. I know I'm probably preaching to the choir...talking about this seems to help and is therapeutic.

How do you progress? How do you overcome? How do you strengthen a marriage after something like this? It's a tough spot to be in, for sure. Thanks, my friend.

[This message edited by djla2929 at 2:22 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

Wow! Someone's been feeding you a line of shit and you ate it.

You are going to have to start over with your understanding of infidelity. You've got it all wrong.

In the upper left hand corner is a link for the healing library. Read everything in it. Read other threads in this and other forums on this site.

You very well may have an anger issue and IC is always a positive thing to do but her cheating is ALL on her. You are in no way responsible for her behavior. She's a grown woman, not a child.

It's pretty vile that she has you believing this crap. More manipulation. If you don't compliment her tomorrow can she ask a strange guy for a kiss? Can you understand how ridiculous this "your fault" notion is?

Your wife needs IC like yesterday. I hope to hell your counselors aren't feeding you the same garbage and trying to put this on you.

Uggggg! That just is so wrong and so out of line it makes me seethe.

Ok. Even once you better understand the truth of infidelity AND get your wife straightened out about it (this will be immensely difficult to do and she may never get it) -after all that, it takes 2-5 years to heal from this. We are all familiar with wanting to feel normal again. It's not going to happen for a long time, sad to say.

Your wife needs a new job or she needs to move out on her own. She can not continue to be around this coworker without continuing the affair, even if they never touch each other again. Your marriage won't be able to heal if they are still in contact.

There is a lot more but this can all get overwhelming. You already have a lot of work to do to get yourself up to speed on the truth.

I'm so sorry you have readon to be here. I'm so incredibly angry for you for the gaslighting you've been drug through and all the further damage and pain that would have come your way had you not come here and been told the truth.

Keep posting. We want to help.

I don't believe I can ever forget and we're working on regaining trust.

You are correct. You can forgive (albeit, through time and work) but you cannot forget. You will never forget. Your memory will never be erased.

My biggest problem is that if we are to work things out, I'm essentially stuck eating a "shit sandwhich" and she got to have sex outside of our marriage "free of charge."

Yes. That's pretty accurate.

The decision you have to make, over the upcoming time, is whether it is "worth" eating the shit sandwich. Her "free of charge" is in the past, not even God can change the past, so there is little reason to ruminate about the "unfairness" of it.

I decided that my wife and marriage was not worth the gagging. The only reward I would get is that I could be "plan B" to a woman who did not love me

(and admitted it, finally) and to whom I was more of a "convenience" than a husband.

But, that was the case for me, and not necessarily for you. The next 6 months is going to tell the entire "story" for you. Your wife has the same chance mine did, to prove her love and her contrition for what she did.

If she does that, then quite possibly, you might consider developing a taste for feces.

If she is like mine was, that will become clear, also.

Stick around. These boards are slow on the weekends, but some good folks are going to come and help you.

Grrr...those articles sound like crap. Slow down a bit. Things aren't the way you've been told. All of that baloney sounds like excerpts from the cheaters handbook. It's not the truth! In the I can relate forum is a board for men who have been cheated on. Please visit and post there. They are great guys and very smart. They won't lead you wrong and they understand all the things you are feeling.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 2:33 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

It's my opinion that you should hold off on forgiveness for a while.

She's gotta whole lotta work to do before you can grant her this .,

You progress by feeling your feelings. It takes years usually.

Do as much reading here as you can. Does she post in wayward?

It's my opinion that you should hold off on forgiveness for a while.

She's gotta whole lotta work to do before you can grant her this .,

You progress by feeling your feelings. It takes years usually.

Do as much reading here as you can. Does she post in wayward?

Slow down djla. Its only been 3 wks. If you both are serious about R, it is a long hard process. Months and years, not weeks. It is hard work for the both of you, possibly the hardest thing you have ever done. Your wife needs to own her shit and you need to realize none of this is your fault. If she was unhappy then there are many positve steps she could take to make things better, or she coulfd have gotten out of the marriage. Cheating is never on the table as an option.

So glad you have found yourself here, it will help you make some positive steps. Read everything you can in the healing library (share with WW) and get a couple books. I found NOT JUST FRIENDS t be extremely helpful. Good luck and best wishes on your journey. Keep posting

Btrayedwife- thanks for your thoughts and words. To clarify, she cheated with one of my coworkers:/ I've since moved jobs so I'm not in contact with the guy who was giving it to my wife. If so, I'd probably be in jail. I can totally understand how her actions are hers alone. But it feels as if I hadn't acted the way I did this would have been a non issue. I know, I need to get that notion out of my head...

In our 13 years together (3 dating, 10 married) this is the first instance of something of this magnitude or of cheating. She has the number for her own individual counseling. I'm just waiting for her to schedule an appointment for herself. I consider it lithmus test of her commitment. We shall see...

Thanks again, everyone.

SMSA- thanks for your words. I know it's only been weeks...I just want to feel normal again but from everyone's experience it seems this will be a long journey. I'm willing to take the first step and hope healing comes sooner rather than later. Thanks again, my friend.

Djla -- does your wife know that you feel responsible for her cheating? If so, what's her position on that?

IC for you would be a good idea if you're not already seeing someone, as well as MC. Learning ways to cope with the roller coaster of feelings and hearing that you're not really crazy is very reassuring. And keep reminding yourself that while you're not perfect and your marriage had flaws, you didn't make your wife cheat on you. The A wasn't about you. That was totally her decision, her escape from life. You will have to remind yourself again and again and again. She has to own it and do everything she can to help you through this and figure out why she did it so she doesn't do it again.

As Winston Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, keep going." Welcome to hell.

Later- thanks for the question. She is well aware I feel responsible and to be honest I was a bit of an asshole (apologies for the colorful language:). I did create a pretty tough environment for her. I wasn't verbally abusive, but I was short tempered, condescending at times, and just unpleasant (not my typical happy go lucky self). We've been working the angle that we've both made mistakes. We jokingly divvied up the responsibility for the episode 65 (hers)/ 35 (mine). I think that maybe overly generous (trying to make light of the situation:)

Questioning- thanks for your words. I'll use them as my new mantra. Ultimately, it pains me that I created an environment that made her want to find an escape. Btw, I love the Churchill quote.

[This message edited by djla2929 at 3:38 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

Don't disappear on us. People,here who have been there and done that can and do offer very valuable advice based on hard experience.

And, read rough other threads, including those on the earlier pages ( the numbers at the bottom of each page). They are often more complete stories of surviving infidelity. You get a certain perspective by doing so. Affairs weren't invented yesterday, and the patterns are similar.

Have you checked,out Healing Library yet? It's above Dr Phil. The FAQ section is especially helpful.

Sometimes this happens when our life feels completely out of our control and the pain encompasses us. We reason with ourselves about how we can prevent it from happening again. If only we do this, or as long as we don't do that...

It gives a sense of control. The truth is that we aren't in control, at all, of how other adults behave. We can't make them do something and we can't prevent them from doing anything.

You were in the same marriage, certainly not feeling as close to your wife as you have in the past. Why didn't you cheat on her?

Lots of times people say, that's not the kind of person I am, or I'm married and that's wrong, or I have higher standards for myself. Even now in all this pain, and even with fantasies of a revenge affair, you haven't cheated on her.

Whatever it is that keeps you from cheating, that's what is broken inside of her. She has a "why this happened", probably more than one of them but none of them have anything to do with you.

The problems in the marriage, that's what she used to justify her actions, are merely excuses. They aren't her why, and while addressing issues in your marriage is always a good thing, doing so will not prevent her from cheating again. She has to uncover and resolve her whys for there to be any security for you.

Now she probably doesn't really have an idea of what her whys are, that's what makes blaming marriage issues so easy for her (actually almost all cheaters). If she knew what was really going on within herself she would have had the option to address them. It usually takes a long time in IC for them to even come out. She's skillfully denied, kept hidden, or was completely unaware of these issues.

She has to accept this is true. She has to be motivated to face and work through her issues. She has to want this. You can't do it for her. This is usually difficult because an affair is a poor coping mechanism for whatever her whys are. If she was capable of facing these issues she probably wouldn't have had an affair.

You did not cause her to have an affair and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it either. Likewise, you can force her to face and resolve her issues. That's all on her too. You can be supportive but you'll be needing her support in helping you get through this pain she has inflicted on you.

She needs to be compassionate with you since she's the one that put you on this emotional rollercoaster. She needs to put changes in place to make you feel safe while she addresses her issues. That's a pretty tall order and throw in MC to address the marriage issues and the two of you won't be feeling normal for a long time.

But with hard work from you both you can make progress. You just both have to be on the same page.

It's easier for her to blame you than it is to take responsibility for herself. Until she does so though, you are unlikely to get anywhere with your healing.

Oh tensions might die down and you could start enjoying each others company again. But unless her actual whys are faced and work on them begins there will be a situation that comes along and you will realize nothing has really changed.

What your wife is doing is called blameshifting, gaslighting, and rugsweeping, and it is guaranteed to prevent things from ever getting better.

You didn't cause this, and you can't fix her. You can't R alone. It doesn't matter how much you want this, if she doesn't want to do the work, then it's not going to happen.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 3:51 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

Like others have said, stop blaming yourself for getting hit by the truck. My husband has had periods of being a complete jerk to me during our marriage (incidentally, often in conjunction with him cheating on me) but that did not drive me to sleep with anyone else.

You have just been severely traumatized. It's huge and it's important. Take a break from the madness of it all, do something for yourself. Go to gym, get a massage, go to a concert. Whatever makes you happy. You are probably feeling very impulsive...pay attention to it. I know the feeling of wanting to hurt your WS or retaliate...but don't forget that you are not the kind of person they are, you are better. Even if things don't work out between you two, you will know that you did not fall to your WS's depths and betray them.

I found that reading (Not Just Friends and others) helped me process and cope a little bit. I'm also in. IC, which was also helpful.

Just a couple of thoughts to add -I am in agreement with everything that has already been said so I will try not to totally repeat.

1. You will never forget, so stop trying to make yourself do that. I am 7+ years out, we are fully R'd, but we still have convo's about it. It is part of who we are. It can't ever be forgotten. Would you ever forget a broken arm? It's the same with a broken heart. It won't hurt so much any more, but it will always be scarred.

2. It is said that an A is more about what the WS wasn't giving instead of what they weren't getting.

3. Regardless of if she goes to IC, you should go to IC. Put MC on hold. You can't build a M with two unhealthy people, so start with YOU. Your accepting of her blame shifting would be a place to start. My WH tried to tell me he felt like a paycheck to me. OK, well then what did that make me? His maid? His nanny for the kids? Personal chef? Because that's how I felt, but yet I didn't choose to cheat. See how this works?

Whether you R or D, you owe it to yourself to be the best/healthiest you possible.

4. Our M was shitty. No doubt about it. But I was in that same shitty M and I did not choose to cheat. He did. IC was a requirement for me to consider R as what happens the next time our lives get shitty (cause they will). Your WS needs to learn boundaries, coping skills, etc. She needs to figure out why she chose cheating as a way to cope with - in your words - and asshole H. There are a litany of other choices, so why an A?

5. And just a caution - don't be surprised if you don't know the whole story. I had the most remorseful WH in the world, until I found out I didn't. The after he *swore to God* that I knew it all, I was sure I did, until I found out I didn't. Not saying this is your destiny, but it's rare that a WS divulges the full extent of their secret life in the beginning. Tread carefully, with eyes wide open.

It's a 2-5 yr process to heal and then a life long process of learning to live the new life you have discovered, either together or apart.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 4:21 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

the cheated on spouse has accepted the situation and must forgive (and forget?) the cheating spouse.

First of all, like everyone else has said, this is NOT your fault. Period.

Your wife is getting the free ride at home now. She is at fault. She made the choice to do what she did do.

No you do not have to forgive and you will never forget. Forgiving is nice, but you will never ever forget. The BS (betrayed spouse) never forgets.

What has your wife done to help with the situation. Has she been totally honest with you?

Are you sure the affair is really over?

You have ever right in this world to see all of her emails and text and to snoop if you feel the need to.

Many times affairs do not stop, they become better hidden.

This is all on your wife.

Get her the book Not Just Friends for starters. It is time she take full responsibility for her actions.

Has your wife said you were the cause of her affair??