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He said he feels under threat and watched all the time. That's a red flag to me now. He says he hasn't done anything wrong, another red flag.

I told him I need to know what she said, how she said it or if she said anything. There's no evidence of a call or txt from her. Just him saying no more messing around.

I said he should call her or or I will.

He's thinking about it. Another red flag. I can't let this one go. I have been lied to again and he refuses to understand how important it is to me that he works this stuff out. I thought he was further along than this.

Your counselor is wrong. Men and women who have cheated even once shouldn't have their own personal opposite sex friends. They simply can't handle it!

Thank you, it was a crazy comment from her. I'm watching her next time to see what happens then I may look for another MC. She pretty much told him his behavior was ok! And I was overacting!

Your H is not showing remorse at this point. I don't even know if he is showing regret. And he certainly hasn't changed. You need to decide what you are willing to accept.

No "friends" of the opposite sex, thats a privilege that you give up when you choose to have sex with someone other than your spouse. He shouldn't be texting her in the first place, the one thing I have learned from this horrible situation is trust your intuition. It never lies to you.

Thank you everyone, I'm not very good at responding to everyone's comments sometimes but I appreciate them all.

An update on the things that didn't add up for me:

1) I can't find the txt where she is saying she doesn't want to speak to him again. No evidence of a call or voicemail call either (could be over a 3 days period).

I have messed up before when I got the phone records wrong. But I now have DrFone which has been really good for looking ata deleted txts. It didn't show up and so my worry was he had volunteered the message rather than respond to hers.

He txted her and asked her to resend it, she didn't but she said she had made the comment because of WBF's behaviour last year.

2) What stories? He says he hasn't told her about his A because he is embarrassed and ashamed so there must be others.

Turns out he DID tell her about the A in January this year. This was THE LIE - although he says he had forgotten he had told her.

3) We have been together 6 years so she knew he was "with" me anyway. I have met her once, years ago and just briefly.

See 2)

4) If she did send the txt saying she didn't want to speak to him again, why doesn't he want to know more? He says he is going to leave it at that.

I reckon he DID remember that he had told her about the A and so couldn't explain this one at the time. Her responses to him asking for the txt to be resent indicates she's not upset with him, just doesn't want to hear about his A.

5) He knew her as a friend before me and says nothing ever happened between them.

He also explained to her that I was concerned something might have happened between them. She said its not her style to date attached men.

So I am feeling better that he contacted her to get clarification for ME, and I have the answers.

The procrastination and defensiveness I am not happy about and so it will be an ongoing thing to resolve.

This is how a lie, however small, throws the whole picture off and makes craziness. To learn that the truth is easier, quicker and kinder is a tough one to get through to Ws.

[This message edited by KatieG at 9:39 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

Gently Katie - He had so much time to get with her to make sure they got their stories straight. I wouldn't believe on word of it.

He is NOT remorseful.

He doesn't get it.

He is NOT doing the work to own his shit, all he is doing is the bare minimum to allow him to continue to have you, and then as soon as you relax he will go back to old ways. Hell he was already fishing.....If you think contacting this woman, or any other is anything but, you are fooling yourself.

You need to seriously exam why you want to stay with him. Why you think you don't deserve the same level of respect, honesty, and transparency you would give anyone else.

I would quit wasting money on MC, and start spending it on IC for the both of you. You to help you break your codependent thinking and habits, and him to start to own his shit.

(((and strength))))

Thanks tushnurse. Your post sounds harsh but I know you are pushing me and helping me.

I do expect more from him and that is why I had to get to the bottom of this one, I won't give up fighting for the truth - because that's what I deserve,

I have told him I want respect and for him to think and behave like my BF not a single man. He has admitted that he was behaving like a single man for most of his life.

If he wants me - which he does - he needs to live by the rules I have laid down. I have to gauge for myself what is a dealbreaker and getting the truth on this one wasn't a dealbreaker for me. Yes he lied and tried to cover up - he regrets deleting the txt, but he didn't go the next step and tell me he had deleted it - he waited until I found the others. This is what I don't like and this is what shows me he is not there yet.

I'm not ready to give up on the relationship. But when he said he had had enough of feeling the pressure from me, he was prepared to end it. I accepted his words and felt relief. But I knew he didn't mean it - he was acting out of desperation to stop the noise. I can recognise this and I am prepared to help him and us to really work it out.

He still thinks cheating means having sex with someone else and I have explained that I am not just talking about cheating, I am talking about being open, honest and intimate with each other. When this recent crisis took place I did not feel safe with him. I wanted to go a safe place with people who love me and can support me. I was desperate too.

We are both acting out of fear and I get that. But I want to work on it. I told him staying together and working things out is harder than splitting up.