In my case, we had an infant daughter and Crazz mother had passed away the year before. Our pugs both had severe health issues, one of which required surgery. We had no help with DD, and therefore had ZERO time for each other.
He turned to alcohol and isolation as a way to cope with his mother's passing instead of leaning on me, which I encouraged him to do to no avail.
He decided he hated his job, and there just so happened to be an insecure, loose woman at his place of employment who wanted his attention. It was the perfect storm.
I agreed with the above words and it is very similar to my own situation.
What marriage is perfect? What life is perfect. Good marriage partners work through the tough times together.
In my situation, yes I was distracted and distant due to my father's sudden death and my out-of-state mothers ensuing illness.
His dad had died a few years, before, and he was still sad about that, too.
We also had children with health issues and several years caring for our beloved but elderly sick dogs. They both lived to be older than average because they were both cared for and adored by the entire family.
I took care of the dogs, though, mainly.
My wayward even left me home alone to attend to one of our a very ill dogs in order to go out with his friends.
We had a little tiff about that, because even with a special harness, it was difficult for me to lift the dog to take her out to relieve herself.
Still I relented and let him go out, in the end. I relented mainly because he became peevish and I did not want to upset the dog by arguing.
When the dog started going downhill very rapidly, I had to call a neighbor to help me bring the dog to the vet because she weighed 130 pounds and I could not lift her into the sport ute myself. I weigh 110 pounds.
My wayward also was unhappy that he had not yet advanced further in his career, but so was I with my career.
Even worse, we had relocated for a better job opportunity for him and that really made my career prospects more trying.
We were BOTH facing crisis. I chose to dig in and work on my family, just as he chose to cheat with a coworker. We have a choice when we are faced with adversity.
You can't blame life events for our subsequent choices. Remember, when things were a total mess, YOU stayed faithful. That was your responsibility, and you succeeded.
Exactly, when things were "totally a mess" as normally happens in any long marriage, we remained faithful. Our spouses chose to use escaping reality as an immature coping mechanism.
A good spouse is suppose to be their for their spouse through thick and thin. They shouldn't be out dating.
One marriage counselor couple we saw, after months of counseling, told my wayward that given the background he and his wife had compiled on our marriage, and that with all things considered I had more reason to need to escape from reality than he did.
Yet, I chose to remain in reality and to deal with it rather than find relief in a fantasy relationship.
I can see when reading this board that the faithful spouses of many waywards had just as much reason to need to escape yet chose to face the adversity in an honest way.
In the end, too, I really did not believe that things were ever that negative between us. We never held grudges after a fight and he always said he loved me before going to sleep, as did I.
He seemed happy, and we were very affectionate with each other until he met the OW.
After meeting her, his entire personality seemed to change. And that is when he started rewriting the marital history in his mind.
So please pardon me if I bristle when a Betrayed spouse attempts to take too much responsibility for the rough spots in a marriage.
All marriages have rough spots.
End of rant.
