SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I may not be where I want to be....but Thank God I am not where I was!--Joyce Meyers

Good to hear from you Blake.....I understand the pulling away from SI but I have learned things from your posts....

the one thing I am trying to do more of is to be 'still' and listen I have learned that faith....which is trust....is still in me....for whatever reason this is a journey laid out for me....I have discovered a great love of this new to me all forgiving God....who am I to judge?

I can only change and fix myself...I can only observe the changes in my H and pray. I like others question God but I heard a sermon once touch on the subject of 'WHY ME!!!'

The response? Why NOT me? What makes me any more or less than anyone else? So now I find myself on this journey of faith that challenges me to forgive.

I could not do this alone....I realize I have never been alone....

Peace

Blakesteel, you have always been an encouragement to me, even or especially as you express the struggles you have gone through with all of this.

There are days when I sink to the floor and just weep over what my H did and all of the garbage that has resulted from it - it seems to never end. But one thing that is a constant positive - in spite of it all - is my relationship with God. Without Him, I would have kicked my FWH out on Dday and would have regretted it for the rest of my life. Without Him, I may have completely fallen apart from all of the fallout that has resulted from H's A. But, instead, I remain strong and strangely at peace - on most days. And when I do "lose it", I know He is with me and helps to guide me back to that place of comfort and peace.

From you, I get all of these same feelings and more. You have developed strength and wisdom that inspires and I thank you for it. I understand your need to "cool it" here. But I hope you'll check in on us every now and then.

All the best to you! Your sister in Christ...

Peace be with you Hopeful77. You captured a bulk of my wisdom in that one, simple post.

That "being still" is getting easier for me, made easier by our trip to a third world country this summer.

My wife gave me a sign for Christmas 2 years ago...."Be still and know that I am God." My wife also gave me a devotional by Steve Arterburn. She chose it because it has a nice leather cover...that is the total reason she bought that one. This is the same author that changed my life via his "Every Mans Battle" program....she had no clue about this and, yet, still purchased that devotional.

I don't believe in luck or coincidences. I have a morning habit now where I read my devotional and then read that sign. It sets a calm pace for my days now. Previously it was common for me to use porn at this specific time and then RACE through my day at work. I fancied myself a person with a strong work ethic and did do a lot....but I was not peace FULL.....I was rest LESS.

When I called my Pastor that first DD I got his voice mail. I left a message. He called me back two hours later. I was a mess....total chaos, felt like I was bleeding out. He calmly asked me to go outside in the yard. He then asked me to kneel down...then he started to pray for me. As he did my short breaths deepened....my warm skin cooled.....my muscles relaxed. I wanted to understand how this could be...but lost my interest in that wonderment and just.....felt it.

needsfriendshere....this is a good time to let you know your post resonates with me. I have felt that peace many times but, like you, have "lost it". My pastor says this is how it is to be as we are imperfect people. He says over time, as I mature spiritually, the length of time spent in this peace will grow and the speed in which I can get there will increase. 2 years into this I can atest to this being true.

Still....there is an intensity about me that both serves me well and annoys me! I have such a thirst to know more...to gain wisdom faster!

Be still.

As a boy, when I was still, I would feel the pain of what was happening within my family. My CSA experience combined with the abandonment was very painful. To avoid feeling that pain I was anything BUT still.

I know realize that the only way to heal from that pain is to be still and feel. As I learn to do this I am learning that God truly is there for me as the great comforter He is.

Still.....I spontaneously cry...even 2 years out. I dont like it...but have seen this is healthy.

This trial is unlike anything I have ever experienced...but the related growth within me is unparalled as well.

....still working on that "rejoice in all things" piece to this journey.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:43 AM, September 3rd (Wednesday)]

Why me?

Why NOT me?

And this IS a messge for all to own as there own.

I heard a podcast where a man was asking God why He would allow hunger to be an issue in his community...why He was not doing anything about it. During his prayer time he had his answer....God WAS doing something about it. He had brought this need to the attention of this one man.

"I was God's answer to this problem".

He then went about doing what he knew how and started the ball rolling on addressing this problem. When he ran into an issue he could not solve, another person stepped up and solved it!

There is great potential in all of us.

Satan hates us to know this truth.

Satan would much prefer us to resolve ourselves to the many lies he tells us.

--once a cheater, always a cheater.

--you deserve to be happy at all cost.

--its just 5 minutes a day, porn is not that bad.

--other people can change, I am just not that lucky.

Deception is satans greatest tool. Satan can't make us sin...we have to choose that on our own.

Choices.

How many times on SI does this topic get discussed and passed around?

Choices empower us...choices change us....choices break destructive cycles.

I have prayed to God to remove my free will, my choices. I did this when I believed the lie that I ALWAYS mess things up.

I now see that it is our free will that is the key to our freedom....flip side is that it is also the doorway to our bondage (sin).

And this is what drives my thirst for what it means to live righteously.

Don't mistake my passion for this as wisdom-gained. I am still new at this....but am gaining traction on the narrow path.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:41 AM, September 3rd (Wednesday)]