SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with everyone else, Tigaress, and also feel huge sympathy with you. My cheating husband ran out on me, too, but after 23 years of me not trusting my gut. I didn't do the strong thing like you and kick him out when he told me 'he was seeing someone else' - instead I begged and pleaded for our marriage and our family. That was a terrible mistake. And after he left I bombarded him with texts, voicemails, emails... YOU, in comparison, have been so, so strong, and that gives me great confidence in your ability to get through this. Your husband is obviously a massive jerk, unworthy of any attention at all. Abandoning you AND HIS BABY? You won't feel like this, possibly not for months, but he's given you a free pass to a happier future by so clearly showing you he doesn't care. Please please not only don't contact him but work on forgetting that he exists... and see a great, great lawyer to make sure you rinse him thoroughly for every penny to support you and your family.

It was so energizing to hear all your empathy and encouragement. Although now on day 7 after my husband contacted me the last time, I am really down. Hard to motivate myself to do anything even though I would really need to study for the next exam. Instead, I'm just sitting there or watching TV. He has not contacted me, he has not asked about the baby, nothing. I just got another sizable bill for baby's medical costs (he's totally fine now but had a bit of a rough start) and I have to figure out what to do by myself. His mother saw photos on FB and texted 'how are you doing, baby looks so happy' and I wrote back that I was not doing well at all and that the financial problems were getting worse. She saw my response (Whatsup shows the two little check marks) but did not bother to comment. By now, I don't expect any support from him or his family anymore but this is still dragging me down. What can I do to pull myself out and get back to the many things that need to get done... it does not help that I'm still struggling with my pregnancy weight and am feeling completely unattractive.

His mother responded. She will help with baby's medical costs. It's a relief but at the same time a reminder how horribly unsupportive the person is who actually SHOULD be helping ...

I'm glad she's says she will help. Don't expect that to last though. This is another level of the betrayal. Parents of unremorseful ws's frequently stop contact with the bs and eventually open their home to the ow. Not always does this happen but far more often than it should.

You are doing as well as can be expected. The 180 doesn't mean you aren't hurt, just that you don't show that to him. It takes a long time to detach. Keep your chin up.

It's funny, I just commented on another post and by writing my comment felt that I was kicking my own butt. I'm so glad to have the support of all of you amazing people here on this site. And in addition to receiving support from you I find it helpful in my own 'recovery' process to try to provide support to others who are in the same situation. What a great place this site is :-)

He wrote. Ten days after his last communication. A week after the promised day by when he would send me a long email with his thoughts about the affair, the future etc. Obviously I didn't get such a mail.

All he wrote was one line via Facebook message: "missing baby and baby mom" - nothing else. Now, what should I do? Please help ...

You continue to do NC. He didn't contact you so there's no need to respond and even if he did contact you, I'd suggest staying NC.

I know that you want him to fight for you, to show he cares, and to become the man you deserve. I'm sorry that all he is showing is that he likes to act like he's making progress, but he isn't. The FB post is just a facade to make himself look better. There's no substance behind it.

This is so hard :-( somebody on SI recommended the book 'The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity' and I'm reading it right now. I am totally high on Hopium. I'm a terrible junkie. Just the fact that he sent me this one line is making me want to see him in a different light, the way he likes to present himself. And earlier my mother said 'he is probably very ashamed and embarrassed that he still doesn't have a job'. And I feel sorry for him and forget about all the nasty things he has done to me. Or I think that he did them while he was lashing out in pain. I think I'm a hopeless case. Still have not responded to his Facebook message but I keep looking at it ...

Step away from the facebook.

He hasn't DONE anything. One emotionless phrase on facebook! Where's the explanation? Oh yeah he doesn't want to do that. How about working to resolve your issues so you can then rejoin the nameless baby and baby mom? Nope, can't be bothered.

Plus....really?? Baby and baby mom. You aren't a hootchie, your his wife. He didn't even say wife. Like you're some sort of baby accessory.

His distant meaningless phrase a is a fishing attempt. It has nothing to do with you except he hopes you'll get in contact with him and supply some ego kibbles for free. He's finding himself short today and he knows you good for a quick fix. Unless those other girls reply to the phrase of love he left for them first. Then he doesn't need your reply.

So go ahead baby mom. Reach out to this romeo and let him know how flattered you are to be named by parental duty only in his phrase.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 9:43 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

BtraydWife, you're right. Did you recommend the book to me? It's brilliant, thank you. One thing that gnaws on me is that she wrote 'the endless pain of breeding with a fucktard' - so it will never, never end :-(

Rationally, I get it that he does not care for me, maybe even despises me. He has never been particularly warm and in the end he was straight out verbally abusive, a couple times even in the 'grey area' of physically abuse. But I've never been in a relationship where the guy treated me particularly well so this is tremendously hard to try to break out of my pattern.

I understand your last sentence as 'do not respond', right? Because I would love to send him a nasty response about what he's thinking about one stupid sentence after so long time etc. But that again would provide 'kibbles' and give him centrality ...

You are married to this man and have a child with him; you catch him being unfaithful to you and your new family, and he contacts you after 10 days on Facebook? What is he, 12? Shut off Facebook. Post no pictures. And by all means do not contact him. And then, try to stop thinking about him. Think about yourself and your baby, because he surely is not. Also, think about what you wrote "maybe he even despises me". My guess is that he really has no self-esteem and is somewhere deep inside, terribly shamed and embarrassed. As he should be. And doesn't have the courage or integrity to face you. Even his mother must be ashamed of this DB. Look, I know how traumatic and shocking this is for you, but it is also very revealing. Please, please get some support for yourself. Friends, mother. Anyone but him. He is bringing nothing to the table right now. Stay strong.

I'm glad you understood.

I'm sorry he is still disappointing and hurting you by not stepping up and doing what he needs to repair this mess. He seems so callous.

Be aware this is fishing and hoovering. He's going to ramp it up so eat your Wheaties so you can be strong for the next one.

I was not the one who recommended the book but it sounds like a good one.

I understand the need to bitch him out but you are right to think that would validate him. Bad attention is still attention for an attention whore. It's best to stay NC. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 12:01 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

So ... I hope this is not getting old. Today my husband contacted me again. He reached out for his parents who have decided to provide a bit of financial help with my son's health care costs. I have not responded to his FB message and I responded directly to his mother after the email today. He ended his email with "I still love you" and I cried like a baby. How long do I have to ignore his messages? What's the next step?

First, block him on your FB account. Flat-out block so that he cannot contact you there at all.

I responded directly to his mother after the email today. He ended his email with "I still love you" and I cried like a baby. How long do I have to ignore his messages?

What email? Did he email his mom and she forwarded it to you or are you still talking about what he said in the FB message?

I realize that you are hurt and sad. But what kind of lazy coward spouts off that kind of crap by email, ffs, and expects it to work?

You need to ignore his messages forever unless one of them says something that pertains to your baby or a financial matter.

Sad update: I saw communication between him and his ex. She asks if he'll fix things with me and he responds by saying that I'm emotionally distraught and messed up and that monogamy is a stupid idea. I'm shaking and close to a panic attack :-(

I think he might have written this because when his mother texted me and asked how I was doing I honestly responded that I was not well at all and spending hours crying. I guess I should stop saying things like that and from now on show a strong face?

[This message edited by Tigaress at 12:29 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]

Tigaress!! I've seen a lot of your posts and have to tell you how much I respect you. You don't think you have a spine! Really?!?!? I think you are kind and compassionate. Regardless of how the M plays out, you bring alot to the table. Someone will appreciate that. There should be more peoe like you

Listen, as much as it hurt to see that, who cares what he thinks. He has to say you are crazy so he can keep believing his crazy behavior is acceptable. It's called projection and it's normal unremorseful wayward behavior. They accuse you of the very thing they are doing.

How else is someone suppose to act when they discover the info you did? He surrounds himself with people who agree with him or don't challenge his behavior so he can still hide from the truth. The truth is he is fucking up royaly. You have done nothing wrong.

He can say he loves you till the cows come home but it's meaningless noise until he treats you like he loves you.

His words are not your truth. They are only used to justify himself. His lies are tools he uses to make himself feel better. If he actually took a good hard look at himself he'd have to admit to too much damage. So he throws you under the bus instead. He's weak. You are strong. I know you don't feel that way right now but you are.

Look how everything has been dropped on you to handle and you are doing the best you can. You are strong enough to reject his delusions and backwards validations. It hurts terribly, but it's because you ARE strong. There are far too many equally broken women who accept being treated this way. You are stronger than that.

You have the one thing that will never betray you, or use you. It's the one thing he can never have while lost in the fog. You have truth. Nothing he says changes that.

Thank you BlueBlueEyes and thank you again BtraydWife.

It just upsets me so much... yesterday I had a day when I felt as if I was thrown back in time . I remembered all the things that happened when I met him until right after we got married. I missed him really bad. He sent me an impersonal email ... but he has not sent me any other emails (I mean other than impersonal) for years. And then today I see that communication. And it drives me crazy that I KNOW these things but I can't say anything to him!

I also really want to say / write something like 'do you want to fix this marriage at all'? But I'm not doing it because you all told me to stay quiet. But it's driving me nuts ...

[This message edited by Tigaress at 1:50 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]

Tigress, I should not speak because you have more of a spine than I do. But I want you to know you have support. If I did not misread, his email said monogamy is stupid. You do not want to be with someone who feels that way. As long as that is how he feels, he will always cheat. I am praying for your strength. Take care of yourself.

^^What Hurting said!!